This Is It!
by Whatuwant15
Summary: Fresh from Mayfield House is at Cuddy's door. Will his dreams come true? Has he changed enough or will he screw it up? Has Cuddy opened up enough to meet him halfway. And what about Rachel? Mature S /complex writing, some House, Wilson and medical chaps.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

House has been told he can't see Cuddy while he is Mayfield as the doctors feel it may be a distraction. They feel he needs to accept and articulate his feelings for Cuddy and deal with his guilt about the deaths of Amber, his father and Kutner. By the last few weeks of his stay, he has addressed some of his issues. Even though he does admit he loves Cuddy, he can't articulate that he should have any plans about her, because he does not feel worthy. After months of not seeing her, he is feeling more insecure. He simply feels he cannot make a decision in a vacuum. He has to know how she feels. He signs himself out of Mayfield and by train and taxi ends up at Cuddy's door with the suitcase he took to Mayfield.

He peered through her window. It was late, after 10pm, but after only a brief hesitation he extended his cane to give his signature knock. She is cuddled on her sofa with a cup of tea, a briefcase and a laptop open on the coffee table in front of her. She looks startled for a moment, then jumps up recognizing the knock and runs to the door, flinging it open. Well, the haste was encouraging anyway, he thought ironically.

"House, what are you doing here? Your release date isn't until next week.

"My release date is whenever I choose since I voluntarily signed myself in," he retorted, hating the fall into the expected snarky pattern, when all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms. He'd missed her more than he had ever thought possible. Had he but known it, his intense hungry stare was revealing. It made her tremble with a desperate desire spiked with anxious, anticipation.

"That doesn't tell me why you are here?" she tilted her head back, her chin jutting aggressively, as she gave him a challenging stare from ice blue eyes. The move tilted her neck, it's arc reminiscent of the strong ,yet fragile ankle arc of a pointe ballerina. It's pale sacrifice contrasted against the dark curtain of curls like a work of art. Any illusion of a painting was almost instantly destroyed by the revealing pulse fluttering in the base of her neck. Its vulnerability drew him, almost vampire like, leaving him no refuge from his need. It rose from his core but became trapped in his own throat and could be neither released nor contained.

"Why do you think I'm here?" he responded. He was sure Wilson had told her about his delusion, even though he claimed she had guessed most of it.

"I don't know." House. "I'm not a mind reader." There was angst in her voice that sounded more like frustration than anything else. They needed no telepathy to synchronize their thoughts for their minds had been trained to reason together through similar experiences and the yoke of their working relationship.

Wilson had reluctantly told her about the delusion, making sense of the fractured conversations from that morning. It was like the colored shards in a kaleidoscope, showing to each of them, the picture they had expected to see. Deflection and denial had led to delusion and at the very least this part was as much of her making as it was of his. She had gone through weeks of self flagellation and had come out the other side. Guilt was not a useful emotion was her mantra but she had to admit she spent the most time thinking about what his delusion meant. 'Just say it!' she thought so violently, she wondered if she hadn't said the words aloud, but she had not.

Silent seconds ticked by as their gazes locked and after a moment, his breath streamed out as if he had been holding it. This is where he always got stuck, in the admission, in the admitting. There were no more hallucinations of Amber to deter him and he would confess to her this feeling, he swore silently to himself. Better the sting of rejection, than the fool's gold that was hope. "This is it! Make no mistake where you are. The waiting is over... " The lyrics of this song had been replaying in his head on the train and it was weird, that repeating it now, is finally what got him unstuck.

"I needed to see you." he admitted hoarsely, knowing more was needed.

"Why? Are you worried about work?" She had no connection to the words, they were something to say, but her eyes had gone from smoke blue to deepest sapphire, from challenge to entreaty. This was reminding her too much of that other night when House had come to her office seeking help and just stood before her with no words. That in itself should have told her something was very wrong, because when had House ever entered her office and been wordless. "I told Wilson..."

"Hell no, it's not work," he negated, impatiently running his hand through his shorn hair. He had almost said 'If it was about work, would I be here in the middle of the night?' But the truth of it was that it was something he had done many times, the medical puzzle all important, all consuming. But he could now acknowledge that those night time visits and phone calls had been as much about the puzzle that was Lisa Cuddy. Work should be his priority tonight, but it wasn't. And even though his doctor at Mayfield, had encouraged him to reach out for what he wanted instead of just making do with meeting basic needs, in this moment, even his logical mind could no longer distinguish into which category Lisa Cuddy fell. She was not air, nor water, not food, nor shelter, but she had always provided these things for him. It was no doubt that the time without her had propelled this journey. But now that he was here, he felt breathless, dry-throated, and shivering with an ache in his belly that threatened to cave him. At least it wasn't the leg. He was on a new pain regime that included a new drug and of all things, acupuncture, and it worked at least as well as the Vicodin especially when combined with physical therapy.

He was sure this mad rush through the night to hover at her door like some pathetic peeping Tom was not what his doctor had, had in mind. This trip had taken a lot longer than the time he had come over on the motorcycle, but the extra time had not made him more sure of the outcome, just more determined to ask the question. To ask, because he could do no less, the lack of her, the loss of her, was so intertwined with his loss of reality that he still felt an overwhelming need to act, to make it real, in order to regain any life at all, so this time he would not turn from her door, or hold back his need like a coward. The problem was in order to ask the question he would have to give some answers... The hollow fear he felt was so real it made his teeth ache, but it was only a blip compared to his first months away, when his mind had played back images both real and imagined until he almost wished for a return of Amber and Kutner to drive her out of his head, if not his heart. But this was a new day, and there was no hope unless he became unstuck, just a change in one step in the sequence of events. An idiot is someone who keeps doing the same thing and expects a different outcome. He might be gifted in many things but in this one thing he was a moron. He thought his shrinks had predictably referenced his father in his inability to escape from the trap, but he was his own man now and his father was dead. He was no flying Dutchman, doomed to repeat disaster. He counted the events of the day like beads in a rosary, even as his subconscious requests for forgiveness acted as a talisman against further harm. He had actually signed himself out, instead of just walking out, and even though it was a week early he had at least followed protocol going through the paper work and submitting to the final counseling session. He had thought of calling Wilson but had decided to get home under his own steam. He then stacked the adjustments from his old behaviors, like a mason cementing bricks to a foundation.

He dropped the suitcase on her porch with a bang that seemed to wake them both. It was so simple in the end. He planted his cane firmly and took one decisive step over her threshold. There was no wobble, or limp, for in that moment the portrayal of a man made whole was no more or less a lie than the barbs he had used to keep her out. He stopped inches from her, meeting her eyes with a sudden resolute calmness that was like the eye of a storm.

As Cuddy felt his body heat radiate scent to her, she took a breath and the visceral wanton desire curled in her, tightening the spasm of muscles in the pit of her stomach. She flushed, her head turning, suddenly wanting to look anywhere else but at him. Then as she remembered the last time she had looked in his face, her head swung back, her gaze locking on his.

It had literally felt like a bomb went off in her office that day. She had held his face and willed him to be okay, even though the lost look in his eyes had told her he was not, even before the words had been pushed from his lips. She had been so afraid for him and for herself that day, the fear of his loss was like a punch to the solar plexus and silent prayers had filled her mind. She had bargained with God and even considered self sacrifice, as through her eyes she offered herself in the vain attempt to hold back the darkness of confusion from his. Moments before she had been blindingly angry, but as she realized the ramifications of what was really happening, it had exploded her mind like a super nova, making the tumult of the morning diminish to the size of a dust spec. It was like watching someone you loved fall over a cliff or be washed away by the sea. A helpless out of control feeling, it was almost like a death.

She remembered making it through the wedding in a fog, saying all the right things, and making excuses for the absences of Wilson and House. She only hoped the people playing with Rachel did not notice the shaky hands of her mother. She had left the reception early no longer willing or able to maintain the mask and when she had gotten to her car her tears were so blinding she could not get Rachel into her car seat. She had sat there in her car for over an hour holding Rachel tightly, the drops, hot and silent as they slid down her face. Someone you loved...

"I missed you." he breathed in a kind of surrender, his eyes spearing hers with intensity as his pulse counted out the seconds to her response.

"House." that was all she said just his name but it went through him like a sword. As always it held demand, but suddenly he also recognized the beseeching need. Had it always been there, or had the months apart been as hard for her. "Why are you leaving your suitcase outside?" she asked, allowing one last deflection to break that silence that was so heavy with desire. Even though her eyes were glazed with tears remembered and renewed, her voice was restrained, as tightly controlled as her emotions. Her fear was as big as his, perhaps even bigger.

"Didn't want you to think I was trying to make good on my question to you the morning before Mayfield." he admitted with that heartbreakingly wry twist of his lips.

"Question?" she murmured, searching his eyes and then gasping as she remembered his question about moving in together. "You weren't serious!"

"I was! But I was also crazy. Does that scare you?"

"Crazy, crazier. She said wiggling her fingers in the air beside her ears. "That's you, and probably always will be, to a degree." she teased, wrinkling her nose. "It's never scared me before."

The slight pull of his mouth to one side showed that her irreverence amused him, there would be no tip-toeing around his trip to the looney bin. She would mock him just as she did about the leg and he loved her for that. It gave him courage to persevere. Time for another step...

"Perhaps not scared you, but it certainly put up a roadblock. And that was even before you got Rachel."

"House your crazy is the roadblock. You never wanted to let anyone in, especially me. It didn't scare me. It's just that I could only afford to get so many barbwire cuts at a time."

House shook his head, looking at her skeptically. "There's more to it." He said pointing his cane at her accusingly, before spinning it to the floor to tap out the beat to his words. "Fi fi fo fum, I smell the fear of another human." He intoned, mockingly. "If it's not my crazy that scares you. What is it?"

It was her turn to hold her breath. "It's not your crazy, it's our crazy together, that scares me."

"Ah, you mean the enabling?"

"Yes." She bit her lip. "It's not healthy."

"Ah you mean, letting me cheat from you in school, creating a department for me, letting me be just psycho enough to cheat death most of the time, perjuring yourself, giving me the Ketamine,exposing yourself to a hostage situation and saving my life more times than I'd like to remember... I've probably failed to name even half of the things."

"Tip of the iceberg." she agreed, getting lost in their unique twisted banter.

"Sounds like you are a woman I need to keep around by any means necessary. I'm willing to do joint therapy at Mayfield as long as we can share a room", he teased. Now that he had some control over his own fear, dealing with hers was easier. Maybe he did not deserve her, but she did deserve a chance at the occasional glimpse of happiness and he was beginning to think like Wilson, that they in their dysfunction were each other's last best hope. He only had to convince her.

"About Rachel, House."

"I know." he said hanging his head, knowing this was the thing that could end all hope. He gathered himself and looked up to meet her eyes. "I'm more sorry than I can ever say that I ever spoke those words to you. Who am I to call anyone a b*stard, even though I was legalized by my mother's cuckold. It fits me just as well and in more ways than one."

"That night you were over the top and of course now I realize why, but it was not so far out of line from you usual fair. And after all I shared with you... how I bonded with her, those special times when you held her, House. How could you?" There was a break in her voice. " What you said is bad enough, but I'm more concerned with what you feel. I might be able to take most of the crap you say, but I have a child to protect." Hearing his bitter words about his own family should have increased her fear, but conversely it was an amelioration. Perhaps because his ability to admit these things was huge and she knew this conversation was one they would revisit.

"Rachel is my daughter House, emotionally and soon legally. The adoption will be final in two months. So I need you to understand that I'm committed to her, she is a helpless being and she is my priority. To ensure her health and happiness, I have to ensure my own and I won't compromise that, not even for you. Can you accept that?" she asked firmly.

"Yes, he bit out briefly, with the seriousness of a vow. He wished his own mother had been as focused and it only made him respect her more. "So where does that leave us?" he asked.

"Be bold House. You are in everything else, but this." She challenged him again, wanting him to step forward and claim her, trying to show him with her eyes that in this moment she wanted this thing between them more than anything else in the world.

Be sure Cuddy," he countered "Be very sure." His words had the low guttural tone of an emotional dam with a slow leak, that would soon give way.

"I am." she said. There was no doubt that with this man she wouldn't get the fairytale she had wanted, but if she met him half way, perhaps she would get what she so desperately needed. She stepped towards him, standing on tiptoe to wrap her arms around his shoulders , before sliding them even further to the back of his neck. It was an embrace of mutual passion and possession. on her part, it spoke of months of toss and turn in her bed by night and the stretch of rubber bands between stressed fingers as she paced her office by day. She was suddenly driven to put an end to his hunger as well as her own. They did not kiss, but nuzzled, her face feeling his thicker stubble as he moved his cheek against hers and they inhaled each other as a calming, honeyed bliss momentarily coated the rawness of their passion.

"I missed you too. So much," she breathed the words, tears beading her lashes as she offered him her mouth. He had no hesitation in claiming it, their kiss like a mating, the only sounds their raw rhythmic breaths and the incessant sounds of crickets. When their lips briefly released for air, Cuddy noticed that the door was still wide open.

"House, bring your suitcase in and shut the door," she commanded.

"You're letting me move in?" He exclaimed incredulously. The goofiest smile on his face.

"You're on probation House, at work and at home."

Her controlling tone sent the excited blood running to his face and to other areas of his body as he obeyed with alacrity, not letting her go as he reached back with his cane hooked the case's handle, dragging the suitcase in before slamming the door behind him. From outside the door we hear House's voice.

"I'm not due back to work until next week. Why don't you take off?"

We hear the laughing intimacy of Cuddy's response.

"House arrest!" he said with a delighted laugh. "Great idea, so where's your handcuffs?"

Then the plaintive cry of a baby pierces the night...

"Ahmm, Lisa."

"Yes, Greg", her voice called, already further away as she left him to get the crying child.

"Perhaps we should, maintain separate spaces for a while...

"All or nothing. Dr. House." she called sassily down the hall.

"Oh cr*p!.", he exclaimed, but his voice was smiling.

After all it was a much better offer than calling the Make a Wish Foundation.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

House had settled in on the sofa while Cuddy went to check on Rachel , but it had been a while. He suddenly wondered at the silence, the baby had stopped crying which meant that Cuddy was probably feeding her. He hesitated, but got up painfully from the sofa, it was no time like the present to conquer this particular demon. He went into the nursery to see Cuddy sitting in a rocking chair with the baby curled against her chest. How quickly she had switched roles from would be lover to mother. As he looked down at her, he saw her rub the down soft black whorls of hair on a head that had been almost bald when he left.

Cuddy as mother suddenly felt very real and as she looked up at him, her eyes even unconsciously went from soft to wary. He had missed this soft side of her that was only reserved for the child sleeping in her arms. He had once been privy to that amazing warmth, admitted into this inner circle. He had come very close to destroying that which he wanted most. Even though she had let him into her life into her home there was a wariness about her now that he was in the nursery and he knew that it would take a while to regain her trust concerning Rachel, a long time before that mother protecting her cub look would go away. It was hard to believe he had access to it all.

"Why did you say it House?" She asked. "I have forgiven you. I know you were not well, but there had to be something there, something underneath." Her eyes were suddenly wounded and he knew he had a lot to make up for. And as they continued to stare at each other he knew they were both thinking about the day several months before when she had let him witness her little miracle and in his sickness he had not cherished it.

****************

House limped boldly into Cuddy's office pausing for a moment as he saw the carriage close to her desk. Cuddy hadn't brought Rachel into the office for weeks.

"A visit from the wizened one, to what do we owe the honor? Nanny problems?"

"My nanny is taking a class on Tuesdays. What do you mean, wizened?" Cuddy replied indignantly. "You haven't seen her in over a month."

"Are you kidding me? Don't I get the baby cam shots shoved in my face every time I come up here with the oh so cute images of Rachel doing every thing from finding her big toe to bath time fun. By the way, in some states you could be prosecuted for child porn."

"House!" she reproached narrowing her eyes in a quelling glance. "You haven't seen her in person," Cuddy insisted as he came forward to peer into the carriage at the sleeping infant.

"My has she grown. So that must mean you're feeding her." House exclaimed dryly. "Actually, I'm here to discuss another sleeping beauty. The 16year old girl that presented with vague neurological symptoms had a seizure this morning and is unconscious with limited response about a 3 on the RLAS scale. We've run all the standard tests, MRI, EEG, Cat Scan, with and without contrast. I'm suspecting an infection and want to do a brain biopsy."

"House, I am not letting you cut into this girl's brain because you and your team can't figure out what's wrong with her. Is Chase paying you for referrals so he can assist on cool surgeries to beef up his resume."

"Keep up," House snapped his fingers in her face. Chase's trust fund days are pretty much over since Daddy left almost everything to the new wife." Cuddy arose and led him away from the sleeping infant so she could yell at him in the quietest voice he had ever heard.

"House, I don't care who was disinherited or who lost a fortune on the stock market this week. This is a young girl and you are not cutting into her brain unless you show me you've exhausted every other possibility."

"You may as well call in the transplant coordinator, cause by the time we run all those tests she'll be brain dead and you may as well start harvesting organs. "Brain biopsy is hardly a cool surgery."

" No, just a risky one. House, the answer is no. Come back with a different question and you may get a different answer."

At that moment House's beeper went off. He returned the call.

"Run the second batch of tests. Why? Because our fearless leader is as usual supporting the "candy a$$" approach, meanwhile a girl dies. Just run the damn tests." he growled into the phone before clicking closed the phone. At his growl a whimpering cry came up from the carriage as Rachel opened her mouth and screamed in protest.

"Now look what you've done." Cuddy protested reaching toward Rachel and shushing her gently as House came closer, she picked the child up cuddling her as she nuzzled into her breast routing for a nipple through the lace of Cuddy's low camisole top. Cuddy tried to deflect her, lifting the child up onto her shoulder to pat her back with comforting little rubs and taps.

"Why are you still here House." she asked defensively, the quiet yet forceful demand in her voice, in contrast to the embarrassed flush across her cheeks, but he had noticed everything.

"Oh My God" House protested in amazement stretching his eyes. "I thought you'd been looking a little hormonal recently like you did when you were on IVF. Breast and back are blooming. So either you're putting in a bid to become the next Octomom or you're taking something so you can go into the dairy business." House could barely say it and he looked horrified. "You cannot breed so you must feed." he intoned. House eyed her breasts possessively his face pulled in exaggerated disapproval. How can you be so stupid, you're playing with your hormones and risking your considerable assets to bond with a baby that's not even legally yours."

"House, this is not your business, but I am not taking hormones, I didn't have to. I'm just eating estrogen rich foods and taking a natural supplement. Now please leave unless you want to see something, that you seem to find revolting and please lock the door on your way out." she exclaimed trying not show she was a little hurt by his attitude. As Rachel gave another hungry cry, Cuddy allowed her to slide down once more to the comfort of her breast as she walked over to the window and began closing the blinds. Something about this ritual reminded him of the IVF treatments and the twice daily shots he had given her. He was suddenly frozen in place a sudden lassitude coming over him as he sank into the chair opposite her desk and watched as she took a towel from her diaper bag. "House this is not a peep show," Cuddy insisted as he pulled a lollipop out and stuck in his mouth with a pout, acting as if he had been denied his favorite desert. House got slowly up and Cuddy occupied herself with Rachel and the towel not looking up until she heard the door click. She was surprised to find House coming back toward the chair on the other side of her desk.

"House.", she chastised him as Rachel seized her moment, the avaricious mouth closing over her nipple, giving a delighted coo of triumph as she began to suckle. Cuddy looked quickly down at Rachel, never able to take this new thrill for granted, but quickly looked back up at House. Their eyes collided as she realized that House had, had a ring side view and he was looking not at all revolted. He sat back in the chair the lollipop in his mouth and as she continued to glance between him and Rachel, she was overwhelmed with intense emotions some of them opposing, but strangely all one. It was like the bonding that usually happened between her and her child had reached out to envelope House as well. It was tender blissful moments of tactile give and take between mother and child and since she had started breast feeding she felt more than ever that Rachel was hers. It was something to do with the direct provision of sustenance, that made her feel as possessive as if Rachel had emerged from her body instead of just feeding from it. She began arrange the towel for modesty and at House's moan of protest , she looked up meeting his eyes as another emotion suffused her, a more sensual one. As he watched Rachel feed greedily, the lollipop was gone, but his mouth remained slightly open, his expression one of awe and perhaps a little envy. When Rachel went to sleep on her breast, Cuddy gently lifted her back up to her shoulder and began to pat her gently to burp her. She rose to her feet to pace the room as she sometimes did while burping and was surprised to find House beside her offering to take Rachel.

"Are you sure", she asked with a laugh in her voice remembering when Rachel had spat up on him.

"It's okay. It's fine. Her stomach is a little more developed now. And they say prepared is armed, so hand me the towel he said. "If I feel a ripple in her tummy, I'll turn her your way." House took, the infant, surprisingly natural as he threw the towel across his shoulder and then the baby, his large hand covering a vast expanse of her back as he massaged a satisfyingly large burp from her, before putting her back down in the bassinet still peacefully sleeping.

He turned to Cuddy. "So how long have been you been breastfeeding "he asked.

"About three weeks," she replied.

"Not so much spitting up, now" he guessed.

"Yes, her digestion, is better, but I have had her on breast milk for a couple months

but I had been getting expressed milk from my sister."

"From your sister? Are you kidding me? Isn't her kid almost three?"

"Two, she amended, but she's still supplementing me as I don't make enough milk yet. She's tickled to find something she can beat me at and the milk is just icing on the cake. She considers she won because she had the first grandchild and it was done the natural and proper way with a husband and nine months of gestation."

"And now she's going for nine years of lactation. Anytime a child can walk around and ask for milk in a sippy cup, it's long past time for it to be done with breastfeeding."

"I hope you don't plan to follow in those footsteps?"

"No, I love this time with Rachel, but I think the first tooth is where I'll draw the line." she laughed. Secretly a little thrilled at his possessive tone.

House's phone went off again. He talked to Foreman for a few minutes. Gotta go, the girl's bleeding from her ear. He strode toward the door and when he reached it, he turned back to look at Cuddy he would never forget the experience he had just shared with her. Thanks for letting me stay. After the last twenty minutes I may just go out and advocate for the Leche League." He joked as he left to get an update from his team.

Cuddy was surprised that over the next several weeks, House became a regular Tuesday lunch time visitor and even more surprised that she let him. It was like some forbidden secret tryst and yet they never discussed it. House did not even discuss it with Wilson. Even for him, he felt it would be perceived as creepy, but he could not stay away, Cuddy was like a different person during the breast feedings. Warm and soft and oh so womanly, the opposite of the controlling demand of her usual attitude toward him. On the third Tuesday, House went in her office and was surprised to see the carriage was not there.

"No, Thumbelina ." He teased.

"No, my Nanny has finished her class." Cuddy had automatically got up when he arrived and went to close the blinds, before she stopped, realizing there was no need.

"Oh, he said not realizing he sounded disappointed.

"If you miss Rachel, you're welcome to come by to see her, House." Cuddy said gently. Cringing as she thought he might feel she was trying to get him to her house. She faced the window, still fiddling with the blind closure when she felt House move behind her, so close that she could feel his body heat and smell the heated masculinity boosting his cologne. She tossed her head in the usual wild filly fashion, her dark curls dancing.

"Rachel's cute as rug rats go, but if I came to your house I'd be coming to see you." He breathed in her ear."

Cuddy turned on a dime her breath almost coming in gasps from her parted lips as their gazes locked. And then he was moving away turning toward the door.

"House", she said his name, not in the usual quelling or reproachful way, but almost in entreaty.

"You can let me know whenever you're ready to give me that invite Cuddy."

And yet she never had, not until tonight. House sat down on the footstool next to the rocking chair and put his hand over the hand Cuddy held against the baby's back.

"Cuddy, what we shared was beautiful. I never meant to say that."

"But it's what you really think. You think I only got Rachel to make myself feel better, and I can't say you are totally wrong, but don't all parents have children to make themselves feel better. And I think in the end a child will teach you more than you ever expected to learn."

"I never said you were the only one, 90 percent of the population seems to have kids for the wrong reason."

"I know you are possessive House, but having Rachel does not mean, less room for you, less attention perhaps at times. I think having her has made me perhaps not feel better, but be a better person. Now that I have more, I can give more." She tried to open up to him and describe her feelings about Rachel knowing he was not the only one who needed to work on giving up barriers of self protection. He leaned down and kissed her hand which moved suddenly from Rachel's silky locks to his shorn ones, stroking gently. After a moment, she murmured that Rachel was asleep.

"Can you put her in her bed," she asked him. The fear and wariness pushed from her eyes. House took the child carefully and instead of holding her in the crook of his arm he put her up against his chest almost just as he had when he had burped her. She was much bigger, than the last time he held her and obviously thriving in Cuddy's care. Rachel stirred nuzzling into the side of his neck and wrinkling her nose at the touch of his prickly beard. The difference of touch and smell was too intriguing and briefly she opened sleepy navy blue eyes and stared straight into his eyes and smiled.

"Oh cr*p!" he said for the second time that night. He saw her for the first time as little person in her own right. There was curiosity and intelligence behind the eyes. He tried quickly to close the walls around his heart, having one blue eyed dark haired beauty resident there was enough. He held her until her heavy lids fell shut, then gently lowered into the baby bed and covered her. He felt Cuddy at his side and turned to look at her teasing.

"Are you sure she's not really yours", House queried to the sweetly smiling Cuddy. "She may not have started out mine, but she is mine now", Cuddy said with a possessive warmth that was directed toward him as well as her daughter. She believed what she said. Loving Rachel had given her greater capacity to love. It had made her braver and had made her hold on during those months when it seemed half her life was gone with House locked away. Right now, the old Cuddy would have been dithering about what people would think, what would the board would think, what would Wilson think and even House's team. Of course , she had thought of it briefly, but she did not allow it to control her actions. In this moment she knew House had come to her first and right now this thing between them was more important than anything else. In this moment of clarity she knew exactly what House needed and she was bound and determined to give it to him with no doubts and no restrictions.

Cuddy reached up to slide her arms around his shoulders and gave him a warm loving kiss that was spiced with the promise of sensual delights to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Are you hungry?" She asked, even though it was late, he had been traveling for at least a couple hours..

He shook his head. "I would not mind a shower.", he said glancing at her meaningfully. She laughed up at him, a coy smirk curling her lovely mouth. He was thrilled to see the flash of happiness in her eyes, thinking in satisfaction. 'Yeah I did that.', and another thought of how much more he wanted to see there and how good it was to hear her honest laughter and have her look at him like that. Like he had the potential to be a positive force in her life. There was hope in her and the word in his mind even felt strange, but he could acknowledge that it was infecting him as well and for a change he was not bothered by the fact.

Cuddy gave House, a terry robe, two fluffy blue towels and matching bath cloth. She resisted meeting his suggestive looks, as she showed him where things were in her en suite bathroom. She could not help but notice the interest with which his eyes roamed across everything as if he was hungry for any sources of knowledge of her, and she could not help feeling a ripple of excitement at the thought of his quizzical mind being turned loose in her bedroom. She could have taken him to the guest room, but each step she felt was creating a web of intimacy for them. And it wasn't as if he hadn't been there before or hadn't been avariciously seeking her always like a hunter tracking prey.  
She went to the kitchen and got some sparkling cider, two glasses, and fruit and cheese plate which she always had on hand to nibble on. She took the whole back to her bedroom turning off lights as she went.  
"I knew you were naked under there." he said as she approached the bed where he sat watching her intently. He grabbed an end of the belt on her satin robe and used it to tug her toward him, until it untied. She loved the way he worshiped her body, his eyes alight with the unfettered need usually repressed with daily jokes, and not so sly innuendo. He continued to pull her toward him, by the silken edges of her robe. He rested his head against her stomach, for a moment before turning his head in a burrowing nuzzle sniffing her scent, his scruff prickling the tender curves of her torso. House's lips and tongue, became her world shrunk to a two inch section of her own skin. Her body only existed where his lips and the tip of his tongue met the pores of her sensitized skin. The moist, textured probe drew sensuous circles of delight starting from her rib cage and moving up to her breast and then back down. His tongue circled her navel and just at the point she thought he would begin to explore the mysteries of her inny, he dragged his tongue lower still to flicker along the edge of a space that had recently been bikini waxed. "Life guard Cuddy." he murmured huskily raising his head to pierce her with his blue eyes. She was suddenly taken back to that time on the plane coming back from a conference, when everyone had thought they were sick.

"You never forget a thing." she murmured in awe, her trembling legs making her feel as limp as room temperature celery.  
"I certainly don't forget anything about you. Say my name like you did on the plane." he rasped.

"Like I'm angry and hysterical." she replied, barely following his words since her body now had a mind of its own. She only wanted to sink on to the bed with him and abandon herself to the magic of his tongue. "Yeah, just like that." he retorted "like you're hysterically angry with a need only I can..."

"House," she moaned beseechingly, when his hands slid under her robe, to look for other rounded treasures. He supported her back as her desires arched her body like a tightly strung archer's bow. Her unconscious dance and the voluptuousness of her sighs gave him a smile that made his eyes dance and his mouth hang open, his tongue at the ready.

"I do have a need, and only you can fix me. Dr. House." she said naughtily, back as he continued to tease her and never satisfy the aching bubble of hunger building in her core, she did exactly what he wanted, shrieking his name and biting him as her body began to glow with sweat and her most intimate rivulets flowed south.

"Is this better?" she asked shrugging from the robe as he finally pulled her toward his lap.

"Better than what?" he asked huskily. "Better than the first time, better than the thousand and one fantasies I have had about you since. Oh God, yes!" and with that he tugged her onto her bed, and quit withholding the satisfying thrust of his long rough tongue which probed her every orifice like an explorer, flattening and pointing with a versatile flexibility that left not one stone unturned on his mission to reclaim all the territories in the lush country of memory and dreams that was Lisa Cuddy. His tongue scaled peaks, and valleys, to the quickening rush of her moist divine gorge. Her cries as she was sent spiraling out of control was all that he could ask for, as her thighs trembled and she arched her body toward his in an epileptic spasm that revealed a primal desire beyond her control. Her nails dug into his back and he gave a gasp of pain mixed with pleasure.  
Her hands gentled sliding possessively over his shoulders still wanting more, still needing the essence of him. Her hands followed the hair harrowing down his chest, leading her to the silky engorged hardness, that throbbed in her hand in pace with the beat of his heart. House gave a guttural groan as she fondled the length of him. "No, he moaned, "wait", I want you. I want to be inside you." he said sliding up her body as her legs pretzel around him ,opening her to accommodate the length of him within her honey slick sheath. There was one mind blowing thrust then two and on the third she was matching his rhythm, when again the cries of an infant layered over their love cries, freezing them in their race to completion. He would not release her, continuing for several minutes until he was done, but he could tell her mind was no longer with him and his efforts produced a thin crust of satisfaction instead of the rich full bodied one he expected. He dragged himself from her "Go." he said and she could not help feeling dismissed as she quickly grabbed the nearest robe which was the one he had been wearing


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

When she got to Rachel her cries had attained a heart breaking intensity that was not normal, something was wrong. As she walked into the yellow nursery, she was too distracted to even turn on the light, using the light from the bright night light that cast a golden pool across the floor to the crib. The loud cries had stopped, but she heard the snuffling cries of Rachel consoling herself as she turned her head and sucked her fist. Cuddy reached down to pick her up and almost recoiled at the heat radiating from her. She was burning up. "Oh sweetie", what is wrong she whispered in concern picking her up to comfort her with cool mommy hands as she raced to the light.

The doctor in her was no where to be found, she was just as panicked as any new mother, as she found the baby thermometer and took Rachel's temperature. She was flushed and her left ear was cherry red and hot. An ear infection she thought, but was still concerned at the temperature of 102. She had had a little runny nose earlier that day, but not much of a fever. She found the baby's acetaminophen and administered it to Rachel hoping it would soon bring her temperature down.

House walked in the room behind her looking over her shoulder and listening to her concerns. "Did she have repertory symptoms?"

"Just since this morning, a little runny nose, no fever this morning but it's 102 now. What are you thinking RSV?"

"No, not the right time of year is it? Could be any viral, that's gone to her ears. Although in the ear it could open the door to bacteria. Has she had a sore throat? How's her appetite?"

"It's been okay, maybe a little off," she confirmed.

"Do you have an Octoscope?" House asked.

"Yes, Cuddy confirmed, wondering why she hadn't thought of it. She went to the draw of the nursery table. Both she and House checked Rachel's ears and only the left was a little inflamed.

"Give the acetaminophen time to bring the temperature down and then if you are still concerned in a the morning, you should take her to the hospital and get a culture, but you know it's not much you can do but let it run it's course and give fluids."

She nodded, knowing all this, and appreciating that he was explaining it all like she was any other worried mother instead of acting like she had been rendered an idiot. She turned to him even though grateful for his understanding, she wished it could have started a few minutes sooner.

"Don't give me that look. I'm a selfish pig, I know. Does that a surprise you?" he said spreading his hands out in apology. "We were so close," he rasped" I didn't think another minute would make that much difference."

"You were close." Cuddy said shaking her head. "It seems like the noise itself, would have distracted you."

"Noise?, he said stretching his eyes. Your noise was pretty much deafening. It's been over twenty years and I haven't forgotten."

"House," she protested trying not blush and refusing to be distracted.

"Don't be embarrassed. Me likey," he said suggestively, knowing he was very much using distraction for both of them.

Cuddy gave a long suffering sigh. House, was House, he hadn't been magically transformed, and she would hate it if he had been, but it didn't mean she didn't want him to try to be his best self in certain situations. She put her hand on his chest as calming touch and looked directly into his eyes. It was similar to the quelling look she gave him at work, but it had a certain softness as well as a request for discipline, which caused him to respond subconsciously.

"There are times when Rachel just comes first, House. Would you say a minute or two wouldn't make that much difference if a smoke detector went off, or if a patient was coding?" She did not want to belabor the point, House was perfectly capable of understanding, it was just a matter of how much he wanted to.

"Not all of this is on me. You could have insisted I stop, especially if you thought her cry sounded different than usual."

"You're right," she said, glancing down for a moment and accepting her responsibility. This is new to both of us. I guess I didn't want to ruin it for you, but I did anyway."

"You had definitely left the building", he said touching her cheek with his finger. "That's what it's all about for me, you being there, not just your body. But ruin it, mission impossible. " he said huskily and this time the look in his eyes did cause her to blush.

"This has been twenty years in the making, you wanted fairytale perfection, I just wanted you."

She leaned against him kissing the base of his throat in a tender way. It was nice to have someone to lean on, to turn to when she was stressed or worried. It was mind blowing that the person that usually caused her stress, could now help disperse it as well. In that moment as she relaxed into House's arms she felt herself giving in to her need to depend on someone and rejecting the voice that said 'you can only depend on House in spots'. As long as they were in one of those spots right now she could lean, and she had to admit it felt very good. But she knew House, had been through a lot, and she wasn't giving him a free pass, but she would need to be careful, this was going to be a balancing act.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" she asked.

He shook his head "No let's cuddle on the sofa," he said leading her toward her living room. "Next time we are in bed, I'm going to need at least twenty minutes of your undivided attention. They were on the sofa for a few minutes, when House looked towards her fireplace. " I didn't get a fire.'" he teased his mouth pouting.

"No you did not just go there, Greg House.", she insisted indignantly. She was surprised he would bring up the time he had interrupted her date with the Lube guy. Although to think House would maintain any boundaries at all was just plain foolish.

"What you didn't hear me" he challenged. "Where's that Octoscope."

"You didn't need the fire", she retorted, poking punishing in his chest.

"You just always have to win an argument Lisa Cuddy," he shot back, "But as long as you do it by saying the right thing. It works for me." he smiled as he pulled her onto his lap. Positioning her on the side of the good leg. " Doing the right thing would work as well. No, bed right now but I can think of something else you owe me."

he said archly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Cuddy was just wheeling Rachel out of Peds when she ran into Wilson. It was 6:00AM, a little early by both their standards and both greeted each other with surprise.

"Patient?" Cuddy asked.

"Yes, a five year old, Leukemia." Wilson responded, in hushed tones, as he examined Cuddy closely. Is there a problem with Rachel?" he asked, concerned.

"She had a high fever, I brought her in for a lab, just as a precaution."

"Results?" Wilson asked racing through.

"Just an ear infection she said sheepishly. I'm going to collect some paperwork so I can work from home."

"I know all first time Mom's are jittery, but isn't your nanny studying to be a Peds nurse? I'm sure she can handle an ear infection. Unless your real reason for going home is to have a play date with House."

Cuddy gasped. "How did you know?"

"About you and House? He called me from your land line at 400A.M. this morning and left a message on my phone. He said he was with you and it was real this time. He said you guys were moving in together. That can't be true?" he said, raring back on his heels and raising his eyebrows skeptically.

"It is true." she admitted firmly.

"Cuddy, is this insanity catching? It's certainly leapt from House to you and I'm feeling like I need to be wearing a mask and gloves just standing here talking to you."

"Well, that's harsh. I know it seems crazy but I..."

"Seems crazy!" Do you know what kinds of things were going through my mind when I heard that message. I thought he had lost it again until I saw the number and then I was considering whether I should dial 911 for a S.W.A.T. unit."

"Let's not discuss this out in the hall. Please come to my office and calm down." Cuddy said with an ultra reasonable tone that made Wilson feel even more frustrated. He gave her a minute and then followed her into her office, barely allowing the door to shut behind him before he launched into a tirade.

"What the hell were you thinking, even spending the night with him less known telling him he could move in."

"Wilson, I know you've been involved with House, with both of us, but it's really not your business." Cuddy responded still too reasonable but with an added coolness.

"I really can't believe House told you, but then again, I guess the more things change. The more they stay the same."

"Cuddy, I know you must be under the influence of some powerful endorphins right now, but wake up! House called me because he wanted proof that he wasn't having another delusion. Not just proof for me, proof for himself. He is still that uncertain about his sanity and you think you should move him in with you and your child."

"Okay, Wilson, you need to keep your voice down, or you'll wake Rachel. I know it doesn't sound sensible, but you are overstating the case. Yes, House went over the edge, but that was almost four months. He did get help there. When he came to my house, it was hard for him, but he was different, so open, for House. He was determined to reach out this time and there was no way I could say no, no way I wanted to. "God Wilson!" her tone had gone from cool to emotional in seconds. "I thought about how I had not listened to him before he went away. I thought about the delusion, and then I stopped thinking..." Her voice had a mixture of such joy and sadness that Wilson was struck silent with awe.

"I wanted to stop thinking Wilson, and jump over that cliff with him and we would share the fall come what may.!"

"You love him." Wilson stated as a fact and Cuddy did not even realize she had nodded.

"I wanted to show him total and unconditional acceptance."

"But you have Rachel at home, Cuddy and at work you need to be objective enough to help him get back to his job." His voice had gentled to understanding but the worry and concern were still full force.

"I can still be objective at work and I will make sure Rachel is okay."

"God, do you hear yourself? You're going to cut your self in half and play House at night and be objective enough to prevent being played by House during the day?"

"Yeah, good luck with that! You are not super woman Cuddy, you found that out when you first got Rachel, remember."

" But it's great now with Rachel." She reasoned. Wilson, you were all for this. House and I both had your fingerprints on our backs."

"Before House ended up in a mental institution, yeah. Maybe it was a mistake, your not visiting him there. Perhaps it's not real for you."

"Look, Wilson, it is all too real to me but House and I are also very real. You don't know this but we do have some history. I wanted to be done with the perpetual dance we were locked in."

"So you and House have a history, you've tortured each other for two hundred years, through three reincarnations. Why am I not surprised? Please do tell?"

"If House hasn't, I won't." She said turning towards her window to look pensively out over the grounds for a moment before turning back to him in renewed challenge. I think House was fine with the way things were with us before I tried for a baby. He was too afraid to make a move himself, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. He was fine with being locked in this subterranean relationship where nothing was ever expressed. I think we realized that even fighting each other was more exciting than being with anyone else. Maybe it took Rachel to shake him up. Or perhaps, I think House has to be a little off balance to be vulnerable enough to let me in."

"Off balance or unbalanced? Euphemisms! That's not like you Cuddy. Or maybe you have to be this guilt ridden to let him in. Do you think he'll appreciate that. Do you think he won't figure it out?"

"It's not guilt, Wilson. Maybe it's me thinking, enough already, that maybe the hesitating and second guessing was making us both crazy. Maybe we just need to commit and work out the details as we go."

"So you decided to move him in and like a game he starts out with the whole ball of wax at 100 points and get demerits for every time he messes up?" How many demerits, when he says something mean about Rachel and how many when he drinks scotch all night and wants to play his guitar while Rachel is sleeping. How many when he leaves his clothes on the floor? What's the deal breaker? When he drops below 20 points. Need I remind you, the devil is in the details."

"I prefer to think that is God in the details."

"That might work better if more than half of the team believed in God."

"You know Wilson, no matter what House tells you that's something you can't know. And if you think I caught House's insanity then you certainly caught his cynicism. I don't know how you can go from the cheerleader, to the palm reader, holding the death card, all in the space of few months. Yes, House has been through a lot and so have I. I haven't seen him in months. Rachel was a baby when he left and now she's crawling and close to taking her first step. And yes I do care about him as a man more than I care about him as brilliant doctor."

"If you do, you should recognize he's a man first Cuddy. Insane genius, yes, but in the end, he's still a man, and it's bad enough that you're his boss, but right now he doesn't even know if he'll be able to practice medicine so he is coming to you with nothing. And he has to depend on you to help him get anything he manages to get. You think that's not going to bother him after the initial high wears off?"

"Just stop it Wilson." she insisted. Tears on her lashes. It's never bothered him before. He came to me. He wanted this."

"Just like he did before he went in? Don't get me wrong, I think House cares about you, deeply. I know he does, but don't let yourself be used as a Vicodin substitute Cuddy, just because he has anxiety about getting his life back."

"I don't think he wants his old life back, I think he wants more. That's why he came to me, before we had to go back to the work routine. I certainly hope you don't talk to House this way, because he needs you as a friend, but if you will be spewing negativity, it won't help him at all. If you are implying that House is using me..."

"No Cuddy, not consciously, but you've always been his problem solver and he needs to develop some muscle to solve his own problems. Please don't prevent him. I am House's friend, and I'm yours, that's why I wish you could have reassured him and waited. I hope if you go ahead with this you decide to keep it secret, because with the whole thing that went down before he left, people will be watching to see if you're objective and if you're living with the guy you are not going to be able to fight for him at work."

"We haven't had time to discuss that, but I don't want him to think I want to hide our relationship because I'm embarrassed of him either. I am not a pushover Wilson. Believe me House has developed some skills. He convinced me."

"Lisa, you certainly have painted yourself into a tight little corner. I hope it ends up being worth it. I really, do." Even though his tone was still full of censure, there was a sudden softening when he realized how much he had upset her. "Look some part of me is glad you and House finally stopped playing games and can admit you need to give this a chance. It's just the timing I have problems with. And know, I'll get over this by the time I talk to House. I have to support you two, even if I think this thing is a ticking package with red and blue wires sticking out of it."

When Wilson left, Cuddy walked over taking and giving comfort by passing her hand over her child's still warm brow wondering when the second dose of acetaminophen would kick in. She collapsed in the chair behind her desk feeling as flustered as the infant had been earlier. How could something that felt so right, be wrong. But it was true that at work their relationship would make it harder to help House, but she had no time for regrets. She quickly gathered the folders on her desk. For a moment she looked at the high shine of the wood surface smiling her sensuous secretive smile. "Yes, Wilson it is worth it." She murmured as she packed the files into her briefcase and wheeled Rachel towards the door.

She was in the car when she called House, feeling strange about checking in with him and letting him know Rachel was okay and she was on her way back home. She could tell it felt strange to him as well. "So I will be at home today. She said suggestively. She heard a brief hesitation in House's voice." It's okay between the ear infection and the acetaminophen, she'll probably sleep pretty well for the rest for the day except for feedings.

"I found I have a lot to do around here he said. The maid came several times, but the piano needs tuning. I'm waiting on the guy."

"Are you okay, House? she wondered about him being in the place where he had had the delusion.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Have you talked to Wilson?"

"No, have you?" he shot back.

"Yes," she said succinctly.

"Oh, he said.

"Oh, is right." she replied. She knew he was trying to make sure he was okay by having a witness, but he had not called Wilson to corroborate and Wilson had not called him. She almost made the turn off the highway which would take her to him, but then she decided against it. She knew House would need his space sometimes and she did want to get Rachel home. She just realized the combination of Wilson's words, House's hesitation and the frustration left by their coitus interruptus was creating doubts and uncertainty in her and probably in him too. She wanted to be close to him and be reassured, but she resisted. House would not appreciate clingy or overprotective.

Meanwhile House, was just finishing up with the Piano tuner, and after Cuddy's inquiry, decided to call Wilson for lunch. He had dared not ask Cuddy, what Wilson had to say about their starting a relationship. Nothing good, he'd imagine, because as much as he had been for it before, he knew Wilson probably thought they were putting the cart before the horse and he should work on getting his job back in first. He didn't want Wilson's negativity voiced between them. It needed to stay outside of who they were together.

It was good to be on his bike and he deliberately left his place a little early so he would have time to make a run, he unconsciously found himself turning in the direction of Cuddy's hearing that suggestion in her voice when she said she would be working home for the rest of the day. He paused in front her house for a moment and wondered for a minute what would happen if she peeked out her curtain at this exact moment. He smiled, and thought he would be calling Wilson and canceling. But he didn't get off his bike, and Cuddy didn't peep out the window. She needed time with her daughter, and he had to give it when he could, because he knew even if he wanted it to be different, last night wouldn't be the last time he showed himself as an utterly selfish b*stard.

Wilson had arrived before him, and as he approached him at the bar, he told House he had gotten a booth. They had hot wing appetizers and House got regular corn beef and Wilson Pastrami.

"So I understand you ran into Cuddy this morning. You tried to scare her off me." House ventured, trying to give the impression they had discussed it so that Wilson would spill the goods and Wilson fell promptly into the trap.

"I did not mean to be hard on her but I think you guys should have been more realistic and waited until everything was settled at work."

"Look, Wilson, It was my doing, I went to Cuddy. And I have no regrets he said with a satisfied smile."

"House, it's great that you are taking charge and going after what you want. Frankly it doesn't surprise me, since after the delusion, you chose Cuddy over the mystery. But it's easy to throw a cup a way when you have one to piss in and you could literally end up without one. It's just that you both have a lot of hoops to jump through to get back you back in the saddle at work. Your probation means, no prescribing, no supervising and you'll need approval for everything."

"You think we're doing everything a$$ backwards. I know that Wilson, but your approval is not a requisite of this friendship. I wanted to connect with Cuddy first, if she believes in me then everything else will fall in place."

"House, Cuddy is not going to give you any extra favors because you're in her bed. Au contraire..."

"I'd thank you Wilson to leave Cuddy to me." His words were harsh, but his tone was not.

"I'm just warning you that even if she wants to, the board is watching her, the confusion before you left was tamped down quickly, but her detractors on the board have grown stronger, and my position since I have been back is not as strong as it once was. Cuddy has to be very careful now. For both your sakes."

"I've got it Wilson, stop worrying so much, I'm expecting next time I look up to see you sporting a twin set and pence nez." He said with a smirk that made Wilson involuntarily grin back.

"So you and Cuddy?" Wilson probed slyly, wondering if his friend would be as forthcoming this time as he was after the delusion.

House just shook his head. "We had a dress rehearsal for this remember? This time I'm keeping my mouth shut. If I screw this up I'd rather do it alone. I don't need your help."

"Gosh, Cuddy was more forthcoming than you."

"I doubt that," House shot back.

"Well she did tell me about your history." Wilson bluffed.

House laughed. "Jimmy, you are not that good. I play poker with you." House retorted. "Check Please." he called to the waitress.

"You're paying?" Wilson asked in shock.

"Heck, no! Thought about it, but that reaction was pay off enough. And since you're worried about me trying to change too much, too fast, let's keep our social contract status quo. "Fist Bump." he called to Wilson holding his fist in the air.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

When Cuddy arrived home, she had put Rachel down, making sure she was covered properly and the thermostat was adjusted. She ran her hand over the baby's length, lightly patting her padded bottom, smiling and thankful that it had not been anything serious. Considering Rachel's birth and first few days of life in the that abandoned house with homeless drug addicts, she had always been a little afraid that some underlying condition would reach out and take her daughter. Then her next fear was that she would be developmentally delayed from being oxygen deprived and left for dead. She was just short of OCD in checking Rachel's development and she continued to be ahead of the curve on her physical and mental development. Cuddy had finally begun to feel a bit of relief from that worry after eight months. She had been finally able to exhale about Rachel's health.

She was now so in love with her little girl she could not even remember what life was like before her. It was one of the things that had gotten her through the last few months while House was away. She loved everything about Rachel from her delicious baby smell, to the expectant way she looked up into her face when she came home as if she had been waiting for her all day. She had been worried that their bonding would stop or that she would turn to the Nanny, when she had to return to work so soon but this hadn't happened. She knew the way the baby reached out for her when she came home that Rachel still new she was mommy and she was the center of this little girl's world. In the last couple months, she had begun to giggle and try to talk enthusiastically at people that she saw frequently. The little squeals of excitement and satisfaction when she discovered she could do something new struck her heart with delight and pride. She knew House would not take long to see how important Rachel was to her and she only hoped that it would inspire and not threaten him.

After a last check of the baby monitor she gone downstairs to spread her work before on the living room coffee table. She was checking on departmental budgets before they went for board approval and also working on the hospital's five year strategic plan. The strategic plan was something that usually took months and was not due for board approval for another two months at least. She was procrastinating and she knew it and it was not like her. The last folder in her briefcase made her pause and rub her temples to relieve the tension. The file was labeled with a very familiar name; it read Dr. Gregory House disciplinary action/reinstatement. She put the folder down with relief when the phone rang.

She was not completely surprised to find out it was her sister Linda on the line. In a way Rachel had even helped her with the relationship with her sister, reawakening their childhood bond after years of rivalry and misunderstanding. She began to think it was true the saying if you did a favor for someone, you ended up liking them better. Her sister had opened up to her again, after she had asked her for assistance in providing mother's milk to her newly adopted baby and surprisingly her sister had bonded with Rachel as well. Perhaps it fed Linda's desire to be needed and to feel superior but she almost liked her sister again. She no longer needed her sister's help in the provision of milk, she had enough for Rachel and had begun integrate her diet with soft foods, juices and some cows milk. During the weekly deliveries and pick-ups of breast milk, the sisters had gotten used to talking and sharing tips on childcare. Her sister immediately asked why she was at home today, and Lisa, was glad to talk to her about Rachel's illness.

"Yes, those upper repertory infections can frequently, go to the ears, but being medical you probably are far less panicked than I was with Davey in the early days."

"No not really." Lisa admitted to Linda. When Rachel is sick I'm just as panicky as any other mother so I took her to the hospital so they could confirm what I already knew." she laughed sheepishly into the phone.

"There's nothing wrong with that Lisa, you are allowed. Sometimes no one else can understand the feelings you have for your child not even your mate." Linda sounded a little down, and though Lisa was not feeling like listening to confidences from her sister today, she could not ignore the wistfulness in her voice.

"What's the matter Linda?"

"Ah, you know I've started weaning, Davey? Well, it's hard for me, and Steven is not being at all sympathetic. I never realized it before, but I think he is still jealous of the bond between Davey and me."

"Steven is jealous of Davey?" Lisa asked carefully keeping the sudden interest out of her voice.

"Well, yes of course, many men are, the reality is the couple dynamic is going to change when you have a baby and a lot of men think they are prepared for it, but when the reality hits it quite an adjustment. And I realize that and have tried to be understanding, so why can't it go both ways . Why can't he understand, I'm committed to do it before he turns three, but I might need some understanding, and I might be a little sad about it. You are so lucky you don't have to deal with this part of it Lisa." she said.

"Yes, I am lucky." Lisa agreed, glad that her irony was lost on her sister. She got off the phone, wondering how long before she shared her new relationship with her family. Her sister did visit more frequently now, so she could not keep the secret forever but she was in no rush to tell.

Cuddy once again picked up the file she had abandoned for the phone call. She had received the document stating that House was cleared to return to work, after drug rehab, behavioral mod program and new pain management program for his leg. The story they were selling was that a combination long term Vicodin use, drug interaction with Ambien, and emotional stress had led to hallucinations during withdrawal after a cold turkey attempt to self-detox. Even though they had down played it as much as possible, the hospital lawyers had considered it advisable for him to voluntarily surrender his license after he checked himself into Mayfield. It was not a bad idea as it prevented any further disciplinary action on the part of the New Jersey medical board. It would have had to be reported by Mayfield or even by her herself in any case and it was better for him in the long run to have voluntarily surrendered it.

Getting his license back would be another matter. House had an above average number of malpractice suits on his record and while not singularly actionable by the medical board when taken all together it might be a tough prospect to get him back into the full practice of medicine. Right now it was on the level of a suspension with probation for at least thirty days. She sincerely wondered if House could control himself long enough to prove his rehab to the medical board and even more importantly to the board of directors at the hospital. Choosing board members had always to her seemed very much like playing a game of chess. She paid a lot of attention to who was chosen and felt she always had the confidence of the majority to push through the projects she thought were important. Since House's announcements in the lobby she had felt that balance shift and regrettably she felt she had lost the support of a couple people she had relied on. She felt it was only temporary, but unfortunately it would have direct results on any voting that would fully reinstate House after his suspension was over.

All in all, there had been less fall out than she had expected because House had frequently made comments like this so most people assumed it was House being just little bit more over the top than usual. She had not even told his team the extent of his problems. She felt they only needed to know how long he would be away and that when he returned he would not return to full medical practice for a couple months. She knew his current team and past associates, were not satisfied with her answers, and were probably doing some digging of their own.

She had warned them, that no speculation about his condition among themselves or with other hospital staff would be tolerated, but she wondered how much they would really listen. It was up to House to decide how much his team would know, and she would enforce whatever his decision turned out to be.

She had plans to have him take over as a lecturer and consult on the most difficult cases that the current diagnostics team led by Foreman still had to struggle with. They all were good doctors, but House was House, his brand of genius was rare, even among the gifted. And the team was dependent to a degree on his leadership and his ability. It had been good for them to test their wings in this way and thankfully no one had died who could have been saved, but there had been some very close calls. It would be crime against humanity to let House's knowledge and instincts go untapped. And it would be and equal crime against the man to deprive him of the exact puzzles so suited to his problem solving abilities. Even though all of her was wrapped up his regaining his position, both professionally and personally, she also knew there were battles she could not fight for him, internal demons, that only he could gain control of.

All she could do is offer her support, she knew it was not the best decision for them to move in together, but for them both it seemed the only decision. She was extremely moved that he had come and opened himself to her, and she could not believe such a major step could be a bad decision. Of course she had to give him his space and she intended to, but she also felt she had to show him she wanted to be fully committed. That she had that faith that he could live up to a relationship with her.

She doubted that House would be back in time for lunch it sounded like he needed some time in his place and she thought that made sense. She had sudden idea about taking dinner over to him. Her nanny was nursing student which made flexible hours pretty easy for her, it had been one of the bonuses in her favor when Cuddy had hired her. She had called the nanny to have her come over and take a full day starting at 3:00pm. She ate lunch buckled down to attack some of the work she had brought home but found it hard to concentrate. She had checked on Rachel took her temperature, changed her and fed her. She was a little lethargic, but had given her mother a little smile while she was giving her a bottle of juice. She was now sleeping soundly, the fever was gone and even her ears were less inflamed.

Cuddy forced herself to go back to her work when all she felt like doing was day dreaming about House and the tongue bath he had given her last night. She heard her self moan aloud, and knew the only thing better than reliving the memories from last night was making new ones. As soon as the nanny arrived, she spent some time going over Rachel's medication and feeding schedule, including more juice than usual.

Then she had showered, sprayed her self with scent and put on a simple indigo slinky knit dress, and killer high heeled pumps. It was a bit obvious, but she knew he would love them. Then she was on her way to him, making a brief stop to pick up dinner at the Thai place near the hospital knowing it was one of Houses' favorites. She felt like a homing pigeon, she had made herself give him space all day, but now she was on her way to him the soft yet naughty smile on her face was good indicator of her plans.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

There was no response when she knocked at the door, but she found the key just as it always was above the ledge of the door. She opened his door calling his name as she went in. She expected to see him sprawled on the sofa, or even at the piano, but his living room and kitchen appeared empty. Concerned, she went back towards his bedroom, remembering the times she had come here while he was away. Ostensibly to check on the place, but really to soak in his essence. She wondered what he would have thought if he could have seen her creeping around his place as he had hers when her handy man had fallen off her roof .

She was at the door of the bedroom when she heard the water running in the bathroom. When she got to the door of the bathroom she discerned it was the shower. She would join him, the thought came quickly, and feeling delightfully sensual in her skin at the thought of shedding her clothes and joining him in the water. House must have heard her heels on the floor, for when she opened the bathroom door, he had pulled the curtain back and was watching her with a delighted welcoming smile. She began to slide her slinky dress down over her hips and soon stood before him in only, a black bra, thong, garter belt stockings and the ultra high black stilletos. Her dark hair and pale skin made and dark stockings made her look like Playboy's Femlin sketches from the magazine, all she needed was the long black gloves.

"Come here." growled, demandingly.

She shook her head in denial halfway between teasing and serious. " Not yet. You will get me wet." she complained pouting her lips.

"Ah, I though that was part of the plan." House said pursing his lips and eyeing her with such wicked meaning that she knew he was not talking about the shower. He was on the opposite end of the tub from the shower spray and yet sparkling drops of waters still beaded his shoulders and glistened like trapped diamonds among the darkly gold hairs of his chest. Unconciously she drifted near him and his strong arm snaked out to grab her and pull her against him. His hardness and strength and yes even his dominance was stealing her breath and as her arms circled around his shoulders, she was no longer complaing about being wet.  
"Too bad you can't leave those on he said nodding to her stileto sandals as he released her just enough, to let her kick the heels off, only using the wiry strength of his supportive hand. She stepped into the tub, still wearing her undergarments and there seemed to be nothing strange about it. She felt as if she was hypnotized into divining and fufilling his deepest desires. All the years of fantasy, including dreams, hallucinations and down right wishful lustings had left their trace in the air for her to pick up and act upon.  
She stepped into the misty world behind the curtain while he continued to stare as if committing her to memory or retrieving a fantasy for comparison. Then he reached over to slide the shower curtain closed behind her. They were sequestered in a world of moist hot sweetness, and it was all around them and flowing through them as she felt the strong length and breath of him, the hardness of him that was all male. She so badly wanted to be crushed against his body, but just as she went to eagerly move against him, he held her back and bent to kiss her mouth in hungry possession. His tongue made a slow foray into her mouth, gliding against her teeeth and at her responsive counter thrust, it became a deeper rythmic probe that had her moaning as he slid his hands around her to unhook her bra.  
"God Lisa." he murmured against her mouth. "It is so good to have you here." His mouth wandered down the wall of her chest, following the water down the slope of her breast creating a futile dam with his tongue, his hands swept up her torso to cup the undersides of both breasts, their ripe fullness overflowing his palms. As he squeezed her tender milk engorged curves, her knees almost buckled and he supported her, his hands gliding to her back to finally catch her up against him exactly where she longed to be. She felt her breast leak a little and blessed the fact that they were in the shower, not knowing how House would react with this reminder of Rachel here even now.

He turned to get the soap and began to lather her body with long intimate strokes. His hands glided over her shoulders before smoothing down to the small of her back and then lower, sliding, first the thongs and then the garters and stocking from her body.  
Last night, she had got hers so tonight she wanted to make sure he was satisfied. She quickly went for the shower gel squeezing a glob in her and begun to return the favor watching him shiver as the cold gel touched his skin. She began stroking his chest, making delightful sudsy swirls in his chest hair and then going lower, but when she reached for the hardness below his waist he held both her hands in one of his. "Giving you pleasure is my pleasure," he insisted. "I have been thinking of you all day and how good it was. Meanwhile you've been worried about last night." he sounded almost accusing. " Why, am I not surprised? When did you ever understand what I need? This is not just about sex, Lisa. Touching you, smelling the lovely scent of you, holding you and tasting you, was all I ever dreamed of last night. Was the interruption frustrating as hell? Yes! Did it turn me off you? About as much as my selfishness turned you off me." He took her hand slid it to his aggressively throbbing member. "Judge for yourself," he groaned biting the tip of her shoulder, his body aching with need for her and her alone.

Cuddy slid against his body, she did not want to put stress on his leg, by making him support her, so she wrapped herself around him climbing his body shamelessly and supporting herself by putting one foot up on the tub rim and holding on to the the towel rack as he entered her. Further foreplay was rendered unecesessary as she offered him her honeyed core that throbbed as achingly as the silky probe that in delving dredged her deepest desires. Their guttural groans mixed with ephemeral sighs, spinning the strong and tender thread, a mixture of desire and tenderness in a repeating cycle until it became hard to tell where one ended and the other began. They were left leaning against the tiled wall gasping, the water streaming down their bodies for a moment, before they changed position, she turned to cling to the pipes against the bathroom wall. The water and soap made their bodies slick as he move up behind her and she gave herself to him like a bitch in heat, her mouth open with deep whimpering moans tasting the water. Far from drowning, her thirst was an unquenchable ache. As they joined, their bodies made slapping sounds only slightly muffled by the pounding of the shower as her trembling thighs and spasmodically tightening sheath brought forth the surge of his final explosion within her. She was moaning, sobs racking her body as she leaned against the central tub faucet,her heart pounding. Then she felt him pull her back up against him. The lean hardness of his body and his ribcage against her back, his heartbeat was added to hers..

"We were made for each other." he murmured in her ear, his hands gliding possessively over her abdomen.

Later they ended up on the bed recovering, she was still teary and was struck dumb by what he had said. It hung in the air and she did not want to say any words or make any sound that would make the magic disapear like smoke. He must have felt the same way because after his amazing words, he too was silent, at least for a while. He pulled her against him and pulled a sheet and light blanket over them, his breath sending a warm tickling breeze that created a desert cove in the hollow between her chin, ear and collar bone. The next words that came out of his mouth startled her.

"How's the bed, Goldilocks? he asked with a smirk, tugging on her dark curls.

"What? She just gaped up at him, in astonishement.

"You know, the girl who broke into the three bears' house and tried out everything from the beds to the porridge, haven't you started reading Rachel this stuff. You need a refresher."

"Did you mind me using the key today?" she asked.

"No I don't mind, we can trade extra keys if you like." He dropped the words in, almost too casually. I just want you to know, I know, it wasn't only today." He stated, smiling mischeivously as realization dawned and she started to look uncomfortable.

"I did check on your place a few times while you were at Mayfield." she admitted, diffidently looking at him through her lashes.

"I'm sure you were just making sure the maid dusted and changed the sheets before I got back." he said loudly and she knew the jig was up.' His eyes were twinkling."

. "I only told her not to change the sheet the first week, she said, blushing to the roots of her hair.  
"Relax, it's nice to know you can be a creepy little stalker too. It makes us a good match.", he said grabbing one her hands in each of his and stretching them over her head as she squirmed. "You know how I knew?" he asked, his mouth trying not to curl up in an incredible smile.

"How?"

"A$$ print." he said succinctly. On the couch too." he continued and could not control the smile nor the little bark of laughter any longer. "Now tell me?", he said with a sexy moue of his lips. "Exactly, what you were doing here on my bed?" he asked and his voice had lost the amusement and become husky with innuendo.

Cuddy shook her head in denial to what he was thinking and when she opened her mouth he covered it with a brief sensual kiss. "Feel free to lie to me." he whispered against her mouth, continuing with a succession of teasing pressures, before his tongue slid between her love swollen lips.

When she woke up in his bed he was gone and she could here the sounds of the piano, so she knew he was not far away. She stretched luxuriously enveloped in his smell and the scent of their joining. She felt achy but satisfied and happy she let her mind drift with the music from the was very beautiful, a song she had never heard before. Suddenly, she felt she wanted to see him playing it as well. She slid off the bed pulling the sheet with her and padded quietly into his living room. She paused at the first sight of him in only his boxers sitting on the piano bench, his concentration complete, as his long sensitive fingers moved over the keys with a dexterity that thrilled her.

She could only see him in silhouette in the darkening room and as she moved closer, she moved toward the a lamp.

"Don't turn on the light, I can see fine." he told her as he continued to play. "Come here." he demanded the intimacy of his voice drawing her to him to be side on the bench.

"What are you playing?" she asked.

"It's something I made up. Do you want to hear it from the beginning?" he asked.

"Yes, she said quietly. There was a stillness in the room. When he turned to look at her, the final rays of a dying sun found the the last blue that looked like sky in the light of his eyes. The silent communication between was amazing and yet neither reached out for the other. This connection included the physical but it was beyond it. It was so much more, yet neither was quite willing to give it the three perfect words it deserved.

"It's for you and Rachel, I composed it the day of the Simchat Bat." As he begun to play, the music soothed the remembered pain in her that was still left from that day. The multiple misunderstandings and deflections stacked up so high that neither one of them could acknowledge their desires even to themselves. The music was lovely it had a Jewish folk sound but she also recognized the strains of "Sunrise, Sunset", "Have I Told You Lately", "You Can't Always Get What You Want", and then a unique part she realized he had composed from scratch. She had a mental picture of him sitting here that evening his only company Vicodin, Scotch and the piano. Meanwhile across town she had been in a room full of people and her focus should have been on Rachel but all she could do is hope against hope every time there was a knock on the door. Tears slid silently down her cheeks and she sniffed as House's fingers suddenly stilled and he turned to look at her.  
"I did want you there." She admitted. I just didn't think you wanted to be."

"Hey," he said awkwardly his hands cupping her face as his thumbs made a vain effort to catch the tears. "I did finally figure that out, but I didn't want to make you and your guests uncomfortable. You wanted me there, but you actually needed to have your family and friends accept Rachel as your daughter."

"So you knew, you knew I was getting ready to ask you when we were on our way out that day?"

He nodded yes and she felt it, even though she could barely see him now.

"Then why did you stop me? I needed it from you too, House, I still do." she accused suddenly convinced that the minute deflection she had sensed as she had begun a final invitation,had infact been real.

"Cuddy," he crooned her name in the tender way she rarely heard. It made her close her eyes like a well stroked cat. "Because you see things as they are and you see things as you want to them to be, but what you fail to see, is the huge gaping chasm in between. We'll need boots, picks, ropes and a lot of patience, but the journey is going to an adventure" And he took her mouth in hungry yet emotional union, before holding her until it was totally dark in the room.

"Can we eat now?" He whined.

" How do you know I brought dinner?" She answered, her question laced with laughter on his certain descent into the mundane.

"I smell Thai." and I think I'm going to need some fuel for later."

"You're still the man with all the right answers." she whispered back. She kissed him briefly, reaching out to turn on the light.  
"No, I'm the man with you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Dr. Gregory House dismounted from his motorcycle and headed toward the main entrance of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He entered through the lobby for the same reason he had driven up on his bike. He was not intent on hiding. He had left here in bad shape and had damaged himself as well as the people he cared for most. He would be damned if he would slink back through a side door, he could care less, what most of these people thought, but he had to care about the thoughts of the people who had the power to banish him.

It was a different feeling for him, for not even when he had been threatened by Volger and then Tritter, had he felt his life so hanging in the balance. Why? Why now? Was it because now he felt he had something to lose? He and Cuddy had only been together for a week, but there was such promise. Unbelievable, he thought his mouth twisting ironically. Even though words like promise and hope were not a part of his vocabulary, they now whispered seductively to him. House walked confidently into the lobby, helmet in hand and boldly met the speculative gaze of Nurse Helen. He barely limped and only carried the cane out of habit. The physical therapy, acupuncture and new pain meds were working well, but he knew he would only get out of it what he put in it. He only needed the cane when he had a long distance to cover. House, stared back and her gaze dropped when he asked for his mail. She told him Dr. Cuddy was holding his mail and House gave a non-committal nod turning on his heel and going towards Cuddy's office.

That morning she had left while he was still in the shower and he could not help but feel a bit abandoned. He had a feeling that before they met at work, she needed to distance herself to transform into Dr. Cuddy, Dean of Medicine and the House-tamer. He could not find any blame for her in that, he must be such a trial. Suddenly he could not help a small smile at the knowledge, that she could hold on for so long and give so much at the prospect of so little return. She was like a flowering Cactus in the dessert, blooming and sustaining it's life against all odds. His smile was not one of triumph, but one of relief to know that it would take a lot to make her give up on him, even if he was not worthy. And even if he mustered the energy to try beyond his natural bent, it would be a puny effort in return for what flowed so naturally from her to him and to Rachel. His brilliance may have drawn her in just like hers along with stunning looks had first drawn his eyes so many years ago, but they were so many years and so many levels beyond that even now. Her profile was like the notches on a key that had the potential to unlock him, not just his heart but his soul.

His mind was an unceasing, seeking cauldron, of toil, always lit, burning itself up if not out, it was strange that the same person who could so challenge him and knew so perfectly how to scratch the itchy spots inside his head, was the same person that could soothe him to a quietness, so he became more than a quivering avaricious brain, but a mind, body and soul as well. She could make him restless with ardor and puzzling and then give him rest in the sweet waters of her desire, and affection. She was in fact his answer, under his nose for so long while he searched in vain, curing others and never himself. Perhaps it was the hell hole that was Mayfield and the absence from her, which had given him the clarity of vision to see it, and step to her finally.

She had left coffee for him and half a bagel with the marks of her small keen teeth on one edge, still warm from the toaster, but he dreamed it was from her mouth and so ate every morsel licking his fingers hungrily for traces of cream. As he headed toward the door, he saw the nanny standing there holding Rachel as she did every morning for Cuddy's kiss as she ran from the house. This morning she had left before Rachel was fully awake. As he approached the door, Rachel made a ,spastic jumping movement reaching for him, smiling, squealing and drooling in delight.

"God, we must really have your Mommy teach you about playing hard to get,", he said eyeing her dubiously before offering a hand instead of his cheek. "Oh, I forgot, she doesn't do that too well herself these days." he was basically murmuring under his breath, but he could tell by the Nanny's vain attempts to control her laughter, that she had heard much of what he said. He was developing a reluctant affection for Rachel, but he was by no means willing to play Daddy or substitute Mommy for that matter. As he disengaged his hand and continued toward the door, he made the mistake of looking back, bright blue cerulean, met dark shining sapphire and he was given pause at the intelligence that stared out at him and stabbed him, paralyzing him for a moment. She actually looked as if she felt she had been slighted, her mouth had crimped around the edges, until she realized she had regained his attention. The pouting lip, she had definitely learned from Cuddy he realized with a flip of his heart.

"Mmmow, Mouthse." she squealed urgently and he stared in amazement, and the nanny gurgled with laughter. Your name is like her third word, after ma ma and bye bye," the nanny insisted.

"That's what you get for listening to adult conversations, kid." As funny as it was, he didn't think he would like Mouse as a nick.

"Can you say Doc?" House asked gently, letting her reach for his chin and the fascinating tactile sensation of his scruffy beard.

"Daah, Doc." Rachel repeated obediently.

"Doc," he insisted, wondering if it sounded too much like Da, with out the hard "C"on the end. She seemed happy with her acquisition of new vocabulary and jumped excitedly in the nanny's arms again squealing it repeatedly and grinning so much he saw the white spec in the middle of her bottom gum.

"Is that a tooth?" he asked curiously.

"Yes it is. Our girl is very advanced, she crawled early and she can stand now almost without support. I think she will walk soon, definitely before she is one year." said the Nanny bringing the baby closer, and that was all it took, she launched herself at House like a limpet and gave him the wettest soggiest kiss imaginable. House wiped his face, trying not to smile as he made it finally out the door, for what she lacked of her mother's technique, she more than made up for in enthusiasm. And in that moment he knew his heart had a target on it and this very small girl was a skillful archer as the arrows had hit very near the bulls eye today.

He found himself at Cuddy's office door and without hesitation, he knocked, briefly, before opening the door and striding in.

"Please have a seat Dr. House." Cuddy said with the utmost formality and even knowing this probably was how it would be, he was taken aback by the ultra formality and felt chilled, until he noticed another party in the room. "Have you met, Dennis, Warwick from personnel?" she continued, as the man stood up to shake his hand.

Why the hell was he here? She hadn't needed to do this. House thought, grumpily. He had come in with the best of intentions but now he was just plain irritated. It was bad enough that he had to go through this with out having a third party here. Why was Cuddy protecting herself to this extent, the board members didn't have a spy cam in her office. They could have had a professional talk without him.

He barely focused as he heard Cuddy explaining that he was on probation and had been relieved of his duties as head of Diagnostics, after his license was restored by the new Jersey Medical board, his full reinstatement as head of Diagnostics would have to be approved by the PPTH board. His new duties would be lecturing third and fourth year students in Diagnostics and he would also be available as a non-practicing consultant to the Diagnostics team. He would have be back in his own office and sit in on DDX, but would have no supervisory duties.

House signed several papers, and Cuddy asked him if he had any questions.

"Yes, but I prefer to have a talk without personnel present if you don't mind." House said caustically.

Cuddy blinked, but thanked the man sitting in the second chair in front of her desk before telling him he could go.

House waited until the door closed behind the man and turned to look back at Cuddy his eyes narrowing.

"Was that really necessary? Why didn't you just have some security up in here too. How much protection do you need to protect you against the crazy doc, never mind the fact that he's been sharing y..," House bit off his words at Cuddy's horrified expression. He shook his head, wanting to apologize. He was about to screw things up royally. What was wrong with him?

"House, what is wrong with you?" She said firmly and coldly. "That's the reason I had Mr. Warwick here. I wanted to keep things professional. I thought it would be easier with someone else here. Easier for both of us."

"You said you were going to treat me like any other employee while we are at work. So why don't you do that. I didn't have to sign those papers until after our talk. I have hired enough over the years to know how things work here, Cuddy."

"Look House, this can be hard, or it could be a little easier. It's up to you." She said firmly in her Dean of Medicine voice, looking him directly in the eye. "Now do you have any questions about your assignments. You have an Instructor and a TA for your lecture and your Advanced Diagnostics Practicum."

"Okay, I admit I was a bit too angry to listen. How many classes am I teaching and what's this Advanced Diagnostic Practicum about?"

"I think you will like this House, it's five of the most advanced highest ranking third and fourth year students that have an interest and have some how shown a gift for diagnostics." They'll be able to shadow, diagnostics, they will be able to see the live DDX on a monitor set up in the conference room across from your office and give their suggestions. You'll also get to pick a student out of you lecture to join in if you find someone you think should be there."

" Sort of like Jr. fellows? Sounds annoying to the team doing the real DDX. I think it's fine as long as they can't interrupt the real DDX."

"We'll work something out. Perhaps they'll just be able to send text suggestions, like a text to a laptop computer. We have most of the equipment set up and the class has met for few lectures already but no labs. We'll have a trial run today as Diagnostics does have a patient. I'll bring the file up. Welcome back House." She shook his hand and smiled. "I hope everything goes smoothly today. We need you here." Cuddy was trying her best to ride the line between being supportive and personal.

"Don't tie yourself up in knots unless you think the board may have bugged your office. Oh, by the way your daughter smooched me today." He said wanting to throw her off balance and knowing she would not be able to resist talking about her child.

"What?, Cuddy looked shocked and then gave an involuntary smile at the thought of House even allowing it. "You got my goodbye kiss."

"I could give it back, if you like." his voice a little husky. "The Cuddy women are just susceptible to my charms I guess," he quipped, walking toward the door of her office. "So are you coming up?" he asked turning toward the door.

"I'll be right up in a minute. Why don't you introduce yourself to your Advanced Diagnostic students and settle back in to your office. Foreman was using it briefly, but he's now across the hall. Oh, here's your mail. I had my assistant weed through most of it, some of it pertained to the Diagnostic department that's been filed in the knew cabinet in the your conference room. Anything that was professionally yours alone I had her file by category and date in this file. She said handing him an accordion file full of correspondence. Mostly they are requests for you to speak at a conferences and take part in a mentor programs."

"You mean it's trash." he replied., looking as if he was going to heave it toward her trash can. Her warning look made him think better of it. "So who's conference room is it mine or Foreman's."

"It's the Diagnostics conference room. Foreman is the acting head of Diagnostics right now House, but you still have your position, when you prove you are ready for it. Please don't get in a pissing contest with Foreman. It will not earn you points with me or the board. Make no mistake about it House, getting your license back from New Jersey is going to be a cake walk compared to convincing the hospital to allow you to practice medicine here again."

"I still have tenure". He said on an exhaled breath, "you'd still need the whole board to get rid of me."

"You are right House, they can't fire you, but they can certainly sideline you. You don't seem to be happy with the thought of lecturing and consulting for a couple months, so indefinitely would certainly grate. There's something else you should know. Dr. Hadley is off the diagnostics team, at least temporarily. In the mean time she will be the assistant professor for your diagnostics lecture and run the labs."

"What the hell happened? Ah, she had to accept lover boy as her supervisor," he nodded.

Cuddy briefly wondered if that was a dig at her and then dismissed it as her being too sensitive.

"She reports directly to me as well, since you've been stripped of supervisory duties, but I thought you would prefer to work with someone you know. You've proven a lot to me in a week House," and her face softened briefly. "So I really want to believe you can keep your nose clean for a couple months so you can get back to doing what you love."

"Even a couple of months, is beginning to seem like a really long time." he admitted honestly. He did not want to let her down. Hell, he didn't want to let himself down, but already he was feeling like he had on a straight jacket made from hair shirt material. He had barely been here for an hour. It did not bode well. Her tone soothed him momentarily as he walked to the door. He paused at the door turning he gave her a last lingering look, knowing it would probably be the last personal moment they shared for the rest of the day.  
He arrived in his office, and could not help smiling as he walked to his desk and picked up the gray and red ball. Everything was just as he had left it. His lamps, his chair, the elbow lamp, on his desk even seemed to be crooked at the same angle. Trust Foreman to leave no trace. The thought was father to the man as he saw Foreman walk into the conference room, start to take off his jacket and then register that House was in his office. Foreman walked over and stood at the door and awkwardly, then stuck out his hand.

"Welcome back, House." Cuddy told me you'd be in today."

"It's good to be back. House said wryly. "At least one of us is telling the truth."

"It's not a lie, House, If you've been away getting off the pills and getting your head straight. It will be better for all of us." Foreman, said trying to cover his concern with skepticism.

"Not better for you, you finally got to be leader of the pack for more than five minutes. I've heard you've done well. I would expect nothing less. It's got to be hard to think you could soon be back in the same spot."

"Look House, with all due respect. I report to Cuddy, I haven't to you, in a few years now, so don't count your chickens..."

"With all due respect, thanks for minding the shop. You may be the man the hour, here in diagnostics, but you can never be the man of the House." Only one person can fill my shoes, others can only go buy similar ones in a smaller size."

"Well, the Dean of Medicine may have discovered that smaller size shoes can run just as fast without the big dramatic footprint. So we'll have to see how it shakes out. I think we both got some things we needed over the last few months so no matter what happens I don't think things will ever be the same again."

"You are right about that, since you got rid of a member of my team while I was gone"

"House, you don't have a team. Some people thought you were too closed off House, I'm not one of them. I think we both prefer action. Save the talk therapy for those who appreciate it. Okay."

"You know what your problem is Foreman, you've been Cuddy's snitch for too long. You are so afraid of being the risk taking crazy that I am, that you can't even follow your gut anymore. You end up being in the middle ground that makes you no good too anyone."

"Neither Cuddy nor the board have any complaints, can you say the same?"

" What about 13 and Taub? You think after playing slap and tickle with 13 for months you can turn around and put your foot down as her boss and she's going to appreciate that."

"I guess you would empathize with Remy, since you are sort of in the same position, aren't you?". Foreman asked, throwing down the gauntlet of the speculation running rampant in the hospital.

"We're not discussing my personal life, we're discussing you as it pertains to a patient you let die while you were distracted with 13. If you want to know about our boss' sex life. Why don't you ask her? Or would you prefer that I tell her you're interested in playing reindeer games."

"Why do your eyes look green all of a sudden." Foreman said with a laugh.

"Look House, the patient had Cirrhosis, even when we fixed everything else, we couldn't get him a liver transplant. We couldn't play "shrink the liver" again, that's a one-shot game. 13 was being insubordinate, but she is your problem now, since she is an instructor under you for the next three months. Cam and Chase are back helping me with DDX. They should be here any minute."

At that moment Taub, came into the conference room. And was quickly followed by Cam and Chase.

House was congratulating them on their wedding when Cuddy appeared with the file. Cameron hadn't had a chance to say anything, but she was looking at him as if she would try to find out how he was a the earliest opportunity.

"Thirty year old female, seizure, loss of consciousness, dypsnea, altered mental status, no history of any chronic disease blood work looks normal EEG, shows the results of the seizure, but nothing unusual."

"Cuddy please don't feel like you have to go across the hall and watch with the students, I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunity to spy at another time." he quipped. Cuddy gave him a quelling look as she handed the file to Foreman and walked toward the door. "I'm trusting you all to be able to share the sandbox."

"If that's a sort of euphemism for playing well with others, haven't we always. I even brought toys, I still have my balls." he said tossing up the gray and red ball."

Cuddy shook her head and exited as House turned back to the team.

"Seems like old times." House said sitting down at the table. "Except for Taub that is. What is he, the mascot?" But that was not the only thing that was out of sync, he thought as Foreman walked over to his white board and started the DDX


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Foreman held out the chart to House and began to write symptoms on the white board. Seizure, loss of consciousness, dypsnea, altered mental status, no history of any chronic disease blood work is little off, perhaps some more tests, and a normal EEG.

"Any history of epilepsy, head injury?" asked Chase.

"Not in her history, but it's kind of sketchy, Cameron, would you mind, getting another one from her. She has a fiancé and her mother outside her room and they could probably give you some information as well." Foreman asked.

"Was there a tox screen." asked House, casually. MRI?

"Yes, on the tox screen, negative for drugs. Taub could you do the MRI, we'll look at it before we decide about contrast.

"Check for any history of cancer or chemo, particularly blood cancers." House suggested.

"What are you thinking?" Foreman asked curiously.

"Some chemo drugs can cause seizures, it's a rare reaction, but find out if she's ever had it. If she has, call Wilson in for a consult. He should be able to tell you about the drugs." And with that House rose and went across the hall to his Advanced Practicum students.

By early afternoon, Lisa Cuddy, had looked every where for the pain in the a$$ doctor, that took up so much of her time and energy. She had sat in on part of his lecture, and found him a lively fascinating speaker as always. He had spent the first half of the class going over unusual symptoms that pointed to disease. Like smell of ammonia or fishy breath, indicating liver problems, or urine breath kidney problems, or different smell of certain infections, like pneumonia. He gave then as reading a few journal articles about the use of dogs and artificial snuffers in disease diagnosis. He also told about symptoms that patients report as precursors to disease or events like a pain in the ear cartilage before, sometime days before a stroke, or crease in the ear lobe or the clubbing of fingers as predictors of heart disease. As always he used the Socratic method calling for answers from the students in the room. She knew he had taken the whole lecture period and even stayed a little over for individual questions, according to the report she had gotten from Dr. Hadley.

"Dr. Cuddy, I do appreciate still having a job," said 13, "but I was hired to be an Assistant Professor and take the bulk of the paper work and administrative tasks of these classes. I did not agree to take this job in order to keep tabs on House or become his handler."

"Perhaps you didn't read the fine print carefully enough, . Keeping track of your superior falls under "other duties as assigned" and since you are reporting to me, you are required to do anything I ask that is reasonable under your terms of employment. Failure to do so will have consequences you will not like."

"If I have to become a narco, rat fink, informant like Foreman, just fire me now." Hadley exclaimed, hotly.

Cuddy, looked at her with slitted dangerous eyes, but felt her own anger subside suddenly, as she recognized the girl was very upset and it wasn't about her job at all.

"Hadley, whatever problems you are having with Foreman, you will be doing yourself a favor if you keep it out of the workplace."

Hadley gave her a look like she wanted retort, but as she met Cuddy's warning stare she bit back her response.

"So how are the students liking the class so far," she asked," giving Hadley time to collect her self.

"These students are overachievers, so of course they are eating it up with a spoon, especially the Advanced Practicum students. They even beat the real DDX by a couple minutes on a couple ideas this morning", she said, triumphantly.

"Healthy competition is fine Dr. Hadley," she said firmly, giving her a knowing look, "as long as it remains in perspective and the students have the proper respect and deference for the team. I think you are a good doctor; I did not want to loose you but please don't make me regret rehiring you."

Again 13 almost looked like she wanted to say a smart a$$ remark and Cuddy quelled her with a forbidding stare.

"Fine, but the Dr. you most admire in Diagnostics, doesn't defer to anyone, so do you want to train students that do."

"Yes I do, I want to train students that can distinguish when to buck authority. Not to blindly disrespect people with years of accumulated knowledge and experience to offer. Good afternoon Dr. Hadley." Cuddy said dismissively. "If you see Dr. House please let him know I would like to see him." Hadley nodded and left.

Cuddy went back to her office. She had checked all of House's usual hiding places except the jogging park. She paged Wilson. texting him. She hated to enlist his aid after his negative attitude, but she knew he was in this up to his neck, and just as invested in House's success as she was.

Meanwhile, Wilson was already with House sitting at the table in the jogging park.

"Why are you avoiding Cuddy?" He asked.

"I'm not avoiding her; I'm avoiding the mindless busy work she has assigned me."

"Mindless work? You seemed to be enjoying giving the lecture when I glanced in this morning?"

"Yes, but I have three lectures a week, and at least one lab a week with the advanced students. Thank God, 13 will be taking most of those."

"Better than pottery and clay sculpting at Mayfield, surely."

"Didn't know it was an either, or. Are you suggesting that if I don't conform, it's my only alternative."

"No not your only alternative but you do realize that a certain amount of conformity will make you look like an adult in Cuddy's eyes."

"What makes you think I'm trying to impress Cuddy?"

"If you weren't you wouldn't be with her."

"If she wasn't already impressed, she wouldn't be with me. Catering to a woman is your modus operandi, not mine."

"Well the only thing your recent dates were expecting is cash, check, or charge, so the expectations were pretty much set. And the others had expectations so low, they probably thought it was a gift if you smiled."

"If ain't broke. Don't fix it." House agreed. "You impress, I just press." he insisted with a smirk. "You may have more practice, but mine tends to stick longer."

"Well I could see your methods were working for you, by the trash can full of dear John letters, you never sent. No, wait those were just receipts from hookers."

"As surely as your skills are demonstrated by the number of alimony payments being deducted from your check each month." House snarked.

"But you did fix it, House. Mayfield was the fix and whether you admit it or not it helped you change just enough, to get Cuddy to take a chance on you."

House shrugged, lying back on the table and looking up at the sky, not wanting to admit that what Wilson said was true. And the hardest thing was he was going to have to keep making an effort to maintain what they had. It was worth it, but it wasn't easy. As he thought of her a flood of hormones hit him and he smiled a faintly love drunk smile.

"I've been good all day. I think I'm allowed a break. Maybe I should develop a smoking habit and no one would complain."

"House, you are supposed to be letting go of addictions, not claiming new ones. I guess you wouldn't be you without some whining and pouting." Wilson said with a long suffering sigh. "Cuddy should be used to it by now."

"That's what I'm talking about. Managing expectations."

"House, it's different with Cuddy, now. Women have higher expectations from a mate than from a friend. Your old habits are not going to cut it. No matter what you have been led to believe, Cuddy is by no means low maintenance."

"Whew! You are telling me! Talk about needy." he said out the side of his mouth. " You think she's demanding at work. I can barely keep up. She should be glad to let me rest up for later."

Wilson gave a laugh, shaking his head at House's antics and at the same time trying to clear it of any naughty images of his boss.

That was when Wilson's pager went off.

"Ruh-roh! It's Cuddy! Don't tell her you found me." Wilson looked down at the text message, grinning.

"What does she say? House insisted. His lazy smile gone as he leaned over Wilson trying to see the text.

"She says, 'if you are at the jogging park with House, tell him to get his "a"-double "s" back to his office and at least pretend he is working."

"This park is still the last place she looks, but she thinks of it quicker. Time for me to find a new spot."

Wilson, quickly texted Cuddy back.

"Have you had lunch?"

"No," came the answer.

"House would like you to join him in the park for lunch?"

"Doesn't sound like House." Cuddy's text came back.

Then suddenly House's phone was ringing. As he went to answer it Wilson forestalled him.

"Wait, you've just invited her here for a picnic lunch."

"What? What did she say?"

"She didn't believe me..."

"Ha! my woman knows me. Don't go inflating her expectations..." he said answering the phone.

"Hello mistress." he answered in a deep baritone.

"House, don't think you can get me to forget, the things you have done today, by suggesting some kind of..."

"So you just pooh, poohed my romantic gesture," he said loudly, smiling with satisfaction at Wilson. "Cause you know if it had been me, it would have been afternoon delight at my place and Mickey D's drive thru on the way back to the hospital." he teased.

"House!"

Wilson laughed as he heard, Cuddy's protest.

"For that, you can treat me to lunch there. Between you and Wilson,," I expect a movable feast. I'll be there in 15 minutes she said as she hung up the phone.

House was left holding the phone, with a stunned look. "She's coming. Now put you money where your mouth is. You have 15 minutes to get us a picnic."

"I wouldn't have mentioned it if I couldn't deliver." Wilson said flipping his phone open and dialing as he walked toward the parking lot. "I'll be back in 15 minutes."

When Wilson left, House once again reclined on the table a lazy smile playing about his mouth as he remembered the last time she had found him there, and how he had wished she would bend to him in an upside down kiss.

He had timed the opportunity to view her approach so perfectly that he turned his gaze towards the hospital at the exact moment when her distant figure came into view. Even seeing her approach from so far away kicked his pulse up to a faster beat, and he thought helplessly about how he had indeed given up one addiction and already replaced it with another. It was not smoke, nor drink, powder nor pill, yet all his senses were engaged in this new addiction that was Lisa Cuddy. As she got closer, he sat up, his racing blood, no longer allowing the indolence of his recumbency upon the redwood table. His hands dangled as his rested his elbows on his knees and tried to look as cool as if he was smoking a cigar.

She stopped in front of him and stared down at him in censure and challenge, even as he presented an aloof non-caring pose, that masked. They said nothing for a few minutes just sharing a gaze that played out their conflict of wills, demanding release for their heated frustrations. 'Damn she was sexy as hell.' He would always like teasing her to a frenzy of emotion, no matter whether it was negative or positive.

"House, it seems as if you could at least get through one whole day, trying to act like you give a damn."

"What did I do that was so bad. I did everything you asked of me." he insisted.

"Yes, just the bare minimum, House. You are supposed to be available to the Diagnostics team for a consult. You can't disappear for hours at a time."

"My beeper was on, they could have sent me a message at anytime. Just stop it," he insisted suddenly.

"What?" she asked

"Worrying." he shot back

"Well one of us should be and it certainly isn't you."

"Damn right. Its not me. I am a little to heavy to walk around on egg shells." With that he reached up to smooth the frown line between her brows. "You need to relax," he said softly in the special voice he reserved just for her. "And since you've nixed the afternoon delight, I guess we'll just have to pig out on whatever Wilson brings."

Cuddy smiled, she couldn't help it. He was so incorrigible, and if the truth be told, even though his behavior today did not quite live up to what she would have wanted, it exceeded his usual excesses by a mile. At that moment Wilson pulled up with his car and off loaded a basket of food, an MP player with speaker and a blanket. Even though they insisted he stay. He seemed relieved when his beeper went off.

"It's your team, he said to House, not realizing he had still given their ownership to his friend. It seems the patient does have Leukemia, and bailed on chemo two weeks ago. I think the meds were probably the right call. I'll go check it out and let you know if we need your help."

Trust Wilson, it was indeed a moveable feast, including a roasted Cornish game hen, spiced shrimp, Asparagus, Gruyere cheese, Greek olives, Red grapes, chocolate covered strawberries and Baklava and a White Zinfandel, even glasses were included. Cuddy spread a red table cloth and the food. And some how they ended up eating greedily from one plate, feeding themselves and each other with equal fervor, forks and fingers flying. Until they both fell back, full with gluttony and unrealized passion.

"God, I have to sleep now. Nap time," he said after they had packed all the food away except the chocolate covered strawberries. He laid upon the picnic table and closed his eyes easing his cap over his face.

"House, we have to get back to work now", she said firmly coming around to his head and leaning over him. It was one of those Indian summer days and she was surprised when he had stripped down, he was wearing of all things a blush pink t-shirt, that threw its color on his cheeks and the arms folded behind his head. It made him look as if he had just awakened from sleep. The image floored her as she took his cap and leaned over him, her eyes even with his chin. His mouth shared the rush of pink as it peeked out of the longer salt and pepper beard, which had been thicker but well trimmed since he returned from Mayfield.

"Don't look at me like that." he said huskily, as she put a chocolate strawberry to his lips.

"Like what?" she insisted.

"Like when your face goes soft and your eyes go cross-eyed and I know..."

"Know what?" She whispered, rubbing the strawberry insistently against his lips to force them open and discourage talking.

"That you want to kiss me." he said biting the strawberry in half and chewing it hungrily.

"Want to or going to?" she asked silkily, leaning down to get a taste, by retrieving the last bit of strawberry from between his lips with her tongue. The smoothness of chocolate fused with the pink, sugar stung flesh of the berry.

"Since we are not in the hospital and you're not shy, I'm thinking it ends up being the same thing." He said thankfully as the privacy curtain of her dark curls fell softly around their faces, tickling his chin, cheeks and throat. He inhaled sharply waiting quiesantly for the ravishment of her mouth's landing, as it slid on his in the upside down kiss of his longing. Her divine lips held the power of a struck match and the resulting fire drew his aching moan up from the soles of his feet, as his hands reached up tangling in her hair to hold her closer, before cradling her small head tenderly.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

It had been almost a month since House had come home from Mayfield, almost a month since they had started their new living arrangement which was pretty much living together but not. They usually spent most nights together, four nights at her place a couple nights at his. About once a week he would spend the evening at his place usually on poker night, but more often than not she would wake up at some odd hour of the night and find that he had arrived home and crawled into her bed. He no longer seemed to want to sleep alone, and she had to admit that she didn't like it either. Her bed had been lonely for years, and for many of those nights, she had lain on the left side with the big empty space beside her, and thought of House and their time together so long ago.

Their dynamic had always been the perfect mix of heat, emotion and intellectual stimulation, perhaps that was why no other man had ever quite measured up. For even though House had always been closed off emotionally, when he let himself get close, especially when they made love, she could feel the tenderness in him as easily as she could feel his blood coursing through the map of veins and arteries under his skin. As a memory, some of the details of their first night had blurred a little over the years, like the smudging of a well handled photograph. She had been a little buzzed that night, so a little fuzziness was not surprising, but the feelings engendered were as freshly poignant now, as they had been the following morning.

Since they had finally given in to their desires and renewed their connection, her hunger for him when he was not there was a visceral thing as if one of her own limbs had been ripped away. They had not confessed their feelings aloud, but it was all there for them and known if not expressed. She could not believe how well things were going between them. Sometimes it scared her a little, this much deep joy seemed fated to bring the evil eye upon them.

It was like this relationship had been there waiting for them from the beginning and all that needed was the tissue to be torn away, just as the virginal membrane protects a structure resident in the body from birth. Now that the barrier of fear was gone, there was familiarity and the actual relationship that had been in place for years was there to provide their structure. They were not starting from day one. They had a history and it showed in the relationship in mostly good ways.

They had started doing things together instead of wanting spend all their time in bedroom romps. He had actually come to the country club to watch her play tennis though he claimed it was only for the outfit. And then afterwards he had challenged her to a game table tennis, and solidly beat her. Even though she was not the most obsessed video gamer, they had meeting of the minds in the new Wii games Cuddy had bought and though Cuddy was the champion in bowling, House could soundly whip her in everything else in the summer sports package. She loved to listen to him play the piano for hours and even an rock or blues riff on his guitar. Some of their communications habits had to be relearned and that was an ongoing process.

They still often argued at work, but it lacked the acrimony of the past and even in the middle of the most heated discussion, the clash of eyes, the sudden curve or pout of a lip or the reluctant dimple, revealed that they looked forward to extending the heat of anger into the heat of passion. Even the more divisive arguments just opened the door for delicious makeup sex that would come sooner rather than later because neither could deny each other that connection that burned like a bright blue flame between them.

House and Foreman stood in Cuddy's office arguing pros and cons of a risky procedure for a patient with suspected Pulmonary Embolism, secondary to the problems on presentation. Foreman wanted to give him Ventilation PerfusionV-Q Scan, where as House wanted the riskier, but more definitive Pulmonary Angiogram.

"D-dimer showed elevated levels. No history of Deep Vein Thrombosis. Results of leg scans were negative." Cuddy announced, reading the file. "What about using a helical CT Scan? It's faster and more conclusive than a lung scan and not as risky or invasive as the Pulmonary Angiogram. It's quickly becoming a standard in diagnosing PE." she suggested excitedly.

"Fine." House agreed. "You just love that middle ground, Cuddy, but in this instance, it's pretty clever." He admitted with a gleam of admiration. Cuddy smiled back, glad to be appreciated and to be able to quell House's quest for answers at all costs.

Foreman had just hung up from ordering the tests, when both he House received simultaneous pages on their beepers. House brought it up to his face to squint at the incoming text from Chase. He and Brian, House's star pupil in Advanced Practicum had been caught exiting a patient's apartment. Chase had made it cleanly away, but Brian was being held by an overly zealous security guard, who wanted to try his own interrogation techniques before even calling the police.

Chase was in contact with him by text and so far he had told the security guard nothing, not even his name and he had discarded all his ID information before accompanying Chase. Foreman and House's eyes met and Cuddy intercepted the glance immediately wanting to know what was wrong.

"Patient." House answered abruptly as both men did an amazingly synchronized spin on a dime and headed towards the door.

"What is going on? If the patient was suddenly worse, you would have just told me the problem instead of tip-toeing out. You're acting like two guilty school boys that sent a base ball through the neighbor's window and are trying to escape before anyone notices." Cuddy came around from her side of the desk so she could get right up in their space.

"Out with it, Foreman." She demanded with a steely glance, noting his shoulders had squared defensively, and his eyes had gone dark and cagey. She suddenly had a stray wisp of sympathy for Hadley as she held his stoic gaze, not backing down.

House looked on, amused that she had Foreman in her sites and not him. He suddenly wondered how the time without him had gone between these two. After a full minute of silence Foreman caved. What else was he going to do, just like House, career-wise he owed Cuddy his present and his future. The difference was he did not have as much leverage against Cuddy as House. 13 might have Foreman's interest, but Cuddy definitely had his balls.

"Chase got caught doing a home inspection," Foreman admitted, well actually it wasn't Chase, but a student Brian Taylor.

"Is he in Custody?" Cuddy asked.

"Not Chase, but the student is," he admitted..

"A student, One of your students?" She shot at House with a raised eyebrow and at his nod she continued. "From the Advance Practicum class."

"Yes," House admitted.

"Since when are we allowing students to do illegal home searches?" She demanded and even though her voice had barely changed decibel, it had the shrill urgency of a smoke alarm.

"For that matter you have never allowed anyone to do them, just turned a blind eye and if I remember, correctly, didn't you yourself participate in one at your handyman's house when he fell off your roof."

"That was a highly unusual case House." Don't you dare throw this back in my face, If I ever was blind it's because you put a poker in my eye. But things are different now House, and I shudder to think I'm unleashing your undisciplined ways on a another generation of medicine. Perhaps the Advanced Practicum was a mistake. If this kid ends up in jail, we are both toast, do you get that." she bared her teeth and was in his face glaring.

"You did say shadow the diagnostics department." House reminded her dryly, knowing he was waving a red flag at a bull, but unable to resist a final jibe. He had learned one of the keys to their relationship was that even though he loved riling her, when it was about something serious, when she was really angry, it was better for him to use calm reasoning, rather than fight fire with fire, but sometimes he still tempted fate.

"House you are due to get your license reinstated in less than a week. You are so close. My God, this could ruin it all. Derail everything. Something this stupid. You need to stay out of it. Let Foreman handle this. It's his department."

"Fine, make me the fall guy." exclaimed Foreman a disgruntled grimace, marking his usual mask.

"Foreman, if you wanna be captain, you have to be willing to go down with the ship." Cuddy retorted, pointing her finger at him the animated movement of her head adding emphasis.

"I'm the Captain? Really? Recently, I'm beginning to feel like the first mate again". But I know you are always going to go out of your way to protect House's a$$ even if you have to hang the rest of us out to dry. "

"That's not fair Foreman, don't stand there and act like you haven't been given second chances by this hospital and others who could have taken you down. Just your fiasco with the drug trial could have lost you your license and your job. Yet you didn't loose either, so don't pretend you haven't been protected. House advised you and 13 or things could have ended badly. So why aren't you willing to do the same for him."

"House's advice cuts both ways."

"Perhaps you depend on his advice too much then. I'm going to explain this to you Foreman, because I don't like your tone. In my position, I'm like a coach, I have a quarterback on injured reserve and one ready to play who's had a few bumps and bruises. We are in a play-off game with a major team rival. The opposing coach has just sent in his jumbo offense package and these muscle players are gunning for the quarterback. Am I going to send in the guy with bruises, or the guy has a broken tibia, and isn't due back in the game for weeks?"

"You sound like House." He shot back, with a knowing eye roll, making sure the full force of his innuendo went into the look."

" If you can't handle it, I will get the lawyers on it."

"All the lawyers will do is turn it into a front page news story," House intervened. Look either we could stand here arguing with you or retrieve the kid before he cracks," he said laconically.

"That address, sounds familiar 2357 N. Hill Rd. House ruminated. "Ahh," he said in epiphany, pulling out his phone.

"Funny, it's familiar to me too, it's a big condo complex. Hillshire Towers, I pass it when I take the short cut to the Harris Teeter."

Cuddy was surprised when House gave her a sudden side long glance. She had noticed his light bulb moment and was surprised when he shoved his phone back in his pocket.

"Is it familiar because you pass it every week or have you visited a resident there? One of your computer dates maybe?," he wise cracked, looking furious and Cuddy really had no idea why.

"House," Cuddy gasped. House still made the occasional remark about her in front of the team, but this was the first time he had said something she considered skirting line since Mayfield.

Using her distraction, House limped out of her office, and quickly dialed a number. It was the PI, Lucas' number. They had not ended on the best terms after House had discovered he really was interested in Cuddy and had made a few inroads, including at least one meet that he knew of. Perhaps there had been a real date, at his apartment. He tried not to get distracted by his sudden blinding jealousy. He would find out the truth of it later, right now he needed the guy's inside knowledge and he was relieved when he picked up right away. The man answered the phone, and luckily he was at home and knew the security guard in question.

"I think, he regrets not getting to serve duty at Gitmo, so he will be in no hurry to call the police. He's having too much fun. By the time he's done, it will probably be the student who wants to sue."

"Can you get him out?" House asked to the point.

"Don't worry he owes me. As long as the police haven't been called, consider it taken care of."

15 minutes later, Lucas called back and said the student had been released, and to expect a bill. House agreed, in the past he might have told him to send it directly to the Dean of Medicine. In this case he didn't want any excuse for contact.

"Student has been released. You can breathe again" he said.

"How?"

"Don't worry about the how."

"The student is back with Chase they are on their way back to the hospital." Foreman added looking down at an incoming text. "I'm returning to the patient and since they found nothing of note. We still have one and he's getting ready to die." He said finally exited Cuddy's Office.

Even though House had not known of student involvement or of the home search, it was his student though he would have never admitted that he felt responsible. About the license, he felt it was on a conveyor belt toward the stamp at this point. New Jersey did not even require him to show up to get it reissued. Cuddy was being an alarmist. There was something he did want to talk to her about however, so he lingered even after Forman left.

"House, Who did you contact, Who lives there?" Cuddy asked and why did you make that remark, about the computer date.

"She didn't miss a beat, did this woman, and even though he was miffed to be nailed to the wall 95% of the time by a mind that kept pace with his, sometimes he wished he had a little more leeway. But there was no way he would exchange her challenge for a woman like Honey who while engaging, was really for temporary entertainment only.

"Your boyfriend the PI, House shot out, deciding to shock her with direct confrontation.

"My boy.."" and she actually giggled. The oh so serious Dean of medicine, who had minutes before been talking about innovations in diagnostics, law enforcement, lawyers and medical boards was now gurgling like a giddy school girl.

"Oh, my God," she said imitating his stunned look, in voice and expression. "You are so jealous Gregory House." She purred, her mouth curving in that secretive pleased smile of a woman that just had her man's possessiveness proven in spades.

"I haven't seen Lucas for months, and I think you were closer to dating him than I was."

"So how did you know where he lived, huh." House challenged with a pout.

"I don't know House, maybe it was because I had to pay the man, maybe it was because I like to know where all my stalkers live, even if they are only aid proxy." She continued her eyes twinkling.

"You did date him though." he baited her trying to provoke her to spill the truth.

"House, that was before we got together, and therefore, none of your business." she shot, back never planning to give him any satisfaction on the question.

"Just wait for his next bill," he said raising his eyebrows.

"So what did he do?" Cuddy asked.

"He lives there, knows security, so he got the guy released. Do you need to know everything." He countered.

"Not every thing, just everything you know," she retorted, enjoying this.

"Not happening." Vampiress," he teased.

"Perhaps Foreman's right. Maybe I have been spending too much time with you."

"You are the one that requires the separation between professional and private, so don't provoke me." he said moving even closer to her. Their breathing increased as they stared at each other having a non-physical intercourse so complete that they were both on the point of a climax, when House's beeper went off.

"Patient crashing. Gotta go."

"This might be a good time for you to pull a rabbit out of the hat, House. Once your license is reissued, I'm going to put your reinstatement on the agenda for next month's board meeting."

Later she was surprised to receive a visit form Wilson. Even though they were friends, Wilson rarely came to her office just to chat, there was always a point to it. Periodically they held strategy sessions about the board, since the were usually on the same page, he had become a strong ally on the board along with several others, but she trusted Wilson enough to discuss strategy and she knew that he wanted House to get back to medicine as much as she did. She asked if he had been getting a read from people as to how they felt about reinstating House.

"Not officially, I thought I'd wait until next week when he officially has his license back."

"Yes, that's wise", said Cuddy, knowing she was impatient. "I won't say he's been an angel, but he's been flying under the radar as far as any rules violations. He's giving his lectures, consulting in Diagnostics, he's sober and attending therapy sessions." What else can they say? He does have tenure." She paced the room anxiously stretching a rubber band in her hands.

They have to let him come back. I'm also working on a survey of donors to see what was their deciding factor in donating, and so far the results are coming back really strong, for world renowned Cardiology, Oncology, and Diagnostics departments. There is actually space allowed to write in any particular experts that come to mind and I think House is going to come out well. An independent research company is conducting the survey so no one can accuse me of skewing the poll."

"Great idea Cuddy. The other thing you need to be aware of is Foreman."

"What about Foreman", Cuddy asked even though she knew what was coming.

"He's grown used to the power, he's handled himself well. He deserves a to be rewarded in some way for holding things together until House can get back. And if you don't throw him a bone, I think you are going to have a problem."

"I know, I really started noticing that today and you are right I have to think of a better role for Foreman when House comes back.

"What you a may not know is that Foreman has a mentor on the board. He's become close to Greenfield."

"The head of Neurology? He retiring."

"Not before the vote. So you think that may affect Greenfield's vote?"

"It's possible. It's very possible."

"Hmmn, we haven't selected his replacement. Do you think Foreman would be interested or is he committed to Diagnostics now?"

"I think it's time you had a talk with Foreman. Not to change the topic but does House talk to you about his therapy sessions?"

"No, Cuddy said looking sad for a moment, "He's barely talked to me about Mayfield. One night he had a nightmare. He said it was about being locked up in solitary. He told me about being restrained." She shook her head as she suddenly stood up to look out the window, blinking back the tears. Even though House had opened up tremendously, there were still things he did not talk about, things he locked inside himself and would not share and even though she understood it, it hurt her. it was like defrosting something in the microwave and finding out it still had an icy core.

"The reason, I asked Cuddy, is I don't think House has told his therapist about you. At least not about your current relationship" Wilson said hating to be the bearer of bad news, but having to get it all out.

"What makes you say that?"

"I asked him. He deflected." After all this time even House's deflections speak to me. So I thought you needed to know. He needs to talk through everything in therapy."

"You're right of course. I'll talk to him tonight." Right before Wilson left her office he turned back to see Cuddy stroking the desk in front of her as if seeking reassurance.

****************

That night House got home late. She had long since bathed Rachel and put her to bed. She had stopped trying to wait dinner and had put his on a covered microwavable plate in the fridge. She knew they were still searching for answers for the patient and there was no telling when he would be home. His curiosity and commitment made him stay there even when he didn't have to. As a consult he could have been here at home with his beeper on. She did not begrudge him this time, contrarily she was glad he was picking up the threads of life and the puzzle was what made life worthwhile for him. She hoped that he was beginning to have other things and that he would trust that he had them but it would be a long slow walk she reminded herself. Finally a 1:00AM she decided she had to lie down. She had dozed off when she felt his body slide in the bed behind her, spooning to her back, his arms sliding possessively around her waist to give her a squeeze.

She accepted the embrace, in passive delight, pealing back the layers of sleep. This felt good, but she wanted to talk to him, so she turned over to face him staying within his embrace.

"House?"

"Hmmn?" he said kissing the side of her neck. He had not wanted to wake her but now that she was he was not wasting a second.

"Did you solve the case?" she asked.

"Yes! Sticky Platelet Syndrome.

"Good," she nodded. "Wait House, we have to talk she said firmly as he began trying to divest her of her clothes.

"Whets wrong?" He said.

"Have you talked to your therapist about our relationship?" she asked trying to be direct.

"Wilson," House groaned in anger. "He's the original gossip girl, I don't know why I keep him around."

"House," talk to me." she pleaded. And hearing the vulnerability in her voice, he stilled.

"I thought it was supposed to be a secret," he offered the excuse as if hoping she was sleepy enough to accept it.

"House, that's why we go to therapists, to have someone to tell all our secrets."

"That may be why others go. I go because I have to, in order to get my job back."

"What is it? Are you embarrassed of our relationship?" At his silence she continued. "Do you think your doctors will object to our getting involved so soon? "

"I don't know," he said. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone." he said seriously. "I wanted to keep it just for us."

"And Wilson, and the nanny, and probably most of the diagnostic team has a pretty good idea, though we have been careful."

"Cuddy, I didn't want some shrink's dirty little mind and fingers probing all over us. Can you understand that?"

"I'm beginning to, but when Wilson first told me. It felt as if you were still trying to keep this as some secret fantasy that wasn't a real part of your life. Like you weren't taking it seriously. Now she was the one who was glad for no lights as she revealed her vulnerabilities about their relationship."

"Cuddy," he crooned her name finally understanding he had hurt her. This part of my life, the part with you in it is the most real. This is not a game to me...it is very serious."

"Okay House, then you need to tell your therapist about us, because if you feel this is as serious as your addiction, as serious as your pain, as serious as your issues with your father, as your inability to deal with Amber and Kutner, then it's serious enough to talk about it. And bottom line if you are not telling the therapist the truth about your life, you may as well not be going."

"Okay, okay, next session. I will talk about us." satisfied?"

"Promise House."

"If I promise, what do I get." he asked huskily, before claiming her mouth.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

You should be able to tell your secrets to someone, even if it's not me." she continued, not yet ready to submit to his sensual expectations.

House sighed in frustration, wrapping her tightly to him, not giving her the words she wanted, but an embrace that sought to communicate by touch, the kind of soul revelation she needed. They clung together in the velvety darkness like two small children afraid of the monsters under the bed. Knowing, but with differing degrees of awareness that the seeds of their mutual destruction, rested within them, seeds known by any other name, were in fact their secrets. The fact that many of these were not consciously known or had been unconsciously buried beyond awareness made them in fact more dangerous, not less so.

They had made love, by candlelight, by daylight, by night light and by moonlight, but very rarely had they made love in total inky darkness. Seeking to reassure, yet not able to see, he brailed her like a blind man. His fingertips, feathered so lightly across her waxed smoothness, that she could feel the tread of his fingerprints against her skin. Deprived of one sense, the others became more heightened. All was scent, touch, taste, and sound. He lightly whisked his hands up her throat, his long fingers finding the hidden hollows under her jaw, and behind her ears. He imagined in her youth, that these places had elicited giggles, but now, a tickle deep enough to hurt laced her skin with ripples of pleasure edged with pain and caused her to writhe beneath him, biting her own lip to distract from the dizzying sensation It set up a silent trembling that was the precursor to the well spring below her waist.

He tilted her delicate chin to the side, his mouth moving to her ear to slowly lick the rim of cartilage, the twirl of his tongue down her spiral as delicate as a water dappled finger playing music on a crystal glass goblet. Cuddy heard her siren song emerge, operatic in strength, but more melodious then her usual earthy moans. Her cries fluted the darkness with blind wonder turning every sound into a three dimensional melody., She waited in shuddering expectancy for the thrust of the wet, wild, willingness of his tongue in the tightness of her auditory canal. It would muffle the sound of her own keening hunger. Since he was the one who had introduced her to this craving, so long ago and left her with a yearning so rarely indulged and never in quite the same way as his way. In one night, he had imprinted her in many ways, while not necessarily perversion they were in fact, their version, not to be duplicated by any other pairing.  
They were quieter than usual, almost bound by the heavy velvet darkness, pressing and binding them like invisible restraints on their mind and action. Consequently, their movements and sounds were slow and quiet, long, lasting and lingering across every nerve ending and slowly building and stoking with each divine stroke as they worshiped the physical beauty of the other.  
His hands trailed under the curves of her breast, and oh, so sensuously climbed to the top, circling it's circumference, his fingers the point guard preceding a triumvirate of sensations, beginning with the humid winds of his breath, which whispered across her skin in incantations and prayers to an unknown god, her magic making him a believer for moments at a time. Then came the sweeping prickle of his unexpectedly soft beard and then the percussion of seeking muscled lips as they rained a moist, syncopated rhythm around the aureole of her breast and captured between teeth at once savage and slavishly gentle. His athletic tongue tipped, pranced, probed and pressed with such avaricious energy continuing its devotions, sliding down her torso with lapping desire to quench his thirst, each taste bud on its own desperate mission to find the flavors of her skin and it's secretions.  
Her breathing became ragged and it was as if she tried to hold back the high pitched cooing noises that finally begin to climb up her ribs and fly out of her mouth like doves released from a cage. He caught her winged utterances, as they emerged from passion bitten lips, bruised to a crushed magenta plumpness, groaning as they came out with a yelping nip against his mouth, that had him echoing her in startled sound as highly pitched as hers. His hand sought the sources of her passion churning her sensitive flesh to accelerate the cycle of desires created and assuaged in a never ending loop. He manipulated her by the skillful rotating sweep of his long artistic fingers, which knew so well the right touch for so many different instruments, the piano, the guitar, the harmonica, none of these as rare or gloriously rewarding as the woman he held in his hands strumming her deepest emotions to the quivering twang of life.

"Greg," she whimpered, the first time she had called him that, in throes of passion, and it was as if the deep silent passion would squeeze from them a deeper vulnerability, that seemed to flip their skins so they were a throbbing pulse of pink pulp on the outside like barely born skinless creatures with sealed eyes. Knowing the heat signature of her call and the glistening sparkle of her webbed streams of desire, he was ready to join them in a way that finally had her screams piercing the dark, begging for more and at the same time a cessation that would freeze them in time forever. A crescendo of :"Greg, Greg, oh. Oh my God, yes, more," fell from her lips in shameless demand, as her moist sensuously undulating body, milked, his very essence in way the her brain could not.

"Lisa," he sang her name, in ululation, "Lisa is love," he groaned in admission, bowing his head, to nuzzle her, picking up the scent of her as he tasted lips that had been salt stung by tears. Her final sob sucked him into the vortex of mutual submission to the power and the vulnerability of their unspoken love.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The next morning Lisa Cuddy, left her warm bed, disentangling herself from the long strong arms and legs pinning her. House had made it all the harder to get up by seducing her into a another round of lovemaking so she was rushing like a maniac to make an early finance meeting. She did have his words to keep her warm. "Lisa is love." he had said last night. She closed her eyes in bliss as she brushed her teeth in the bathroom mirror. It wasn't quite a declaration, but she would take it. She knew she had to have patience to allow House to open up to her, even now. Sometimes it was hard, but she would get these little treasures that were indicative of his feelings and they were enough to keep her engaged.

"I guess, I don't get any breakfast this morning," he said lifting his head up to squint at her as she returned to the bedroom.

He looked so sexy with one of his legs trailing from under the cover that, Cuddy had to avert her eyes as she sat down on the edge of the bed to put on her stockings. She found that she was much more likely to wear stockings rather than pantyhose now, because House so adored watching as she put them on and even more so gliding his hands against the silk as he took them off. She loved dressing for him, she always had and she knew exactly instinctively what he would like.

"You pretty much eliminated that possibility by keeping me in the bed too long" she retorted.

"Watching your large fresh buns running around naked is much, much better than a bagel," he replied. "I'm sure I can get Wilson to feed me."

"Just make sure it's breakfast and not lunch," she advised. "You need to hit the shower now, if you want to breakfast with Wilson."

"Okay, Ms. Bossy pants, "he cracked, suddenly throwing the covers off and sitting up. He was totally nude and Cuddy smiled in delight, unable to look away.

"Stop ogling me you insatiable woman," he replied reaching over to run a hand down her stockinet leg with a leer.

"I'm not missing my meeting." she said gathering herself up and giving him an ice princess stare.

"I could so make you miss your meeting." he bragged. "but I'll have pity on you today." House began massaging his leg for a minute before attempting to stand. The pain management program was good, but mornings were still hard sometimes.

"Ha." she shot back, knowing he was teasing but not wanting to get close enough to him to give him a chance to prove it.

"I think I'll take a bath instead." He said finally getting up and finding a robe. "Sorry to ruin your fun," he said but the nanny is due any minute and I wouldn't want to start any Hand That Rocks The Cradle action up in here." He quipped.

Cuddy giggled so hard that he ended up snapping a towel at her butt.

"It's not that funny, he replied. It's not like I haven't had some appeal for the younger set."

"That's true, but she has a boyfriend that looks like Ashton Kutcher on steroids, so I think you're safe."

"Funny, I didn't hear you moaning "Ashton, please don't stop" this morning. He said giving her a punishing kiss before disappearing into the bathroom.

Cuddy looked down at the urgent messages as she came out of the finance meeting. Two messages were from the nanny. One was from House. Everything seemed fine with Rachel when she left, but she felt a sudden urgency as she listened to the voice mail. The nanny said there was a fire in her apartment building so she had to go back home right away. She had called the back up sitter, who should be there within a half hour. In the meantime Dr. House, was still at home and had agreed to wait for the back up sitter, while she went back home to see if her apartment had been affected. The message was time stamped for 8:35AM that morning. That was two hours ago.

"Oh my God," Cuddy exclaimed not realizing that she had said it aloud until Wilson, who had left the meeting right behind her reacted to her panic.

"Is something wrong?" asked Wilson concerned.

"House is alone with Rachel," exclaimed Cuddy, striding down the hallway and leaving Wilson in the dust.

Wilson watched her pace; her usual hip sway in full effect, but since his friend had marked that territory for sure, he felt a little guilty about noticing. After years, it was a hard habit to break, but he was weaning himself. Instead, he focused on her panicked fluttery movements with the hand not holding the cell glued to her ear. She impatiently punched the down elevator as she listened to messages.

House's message made her grimace, roll her eyes, and exclaim "Idiot." Once they were on the elevator, Wilson moved in close enough to hear House's words, trying to suppress his smirk.

"So I'm Mr. Mom, now, I'm Mr. Mom, right, Cuddy," House's voice came through the phone. "Just because I don't have my license to practice medicine yet, you think you make me your nanny. You so owe me Lisa Cuddy," he chanted in glee. "I would demand your first child, but I've already got her. Muhahaha." He gave a loud evil laugh. "I'm going to take all the time between now and when the sitter comes to write up my list of demands. I'm sure it's going to involve amnesty of all past clinic hours and a limit on new ones. Hmmn I've got to think… And if I change a diaper, well it's just wide open then. It will be up to and including s*x on the desk in your office. If it's a number 2, it will be during regular business hours," he crowed. Cuddy hung up looking exasperated but amused.

"Are you going home?" Wilson asked, curiously trying to pretend he hadn't heard the s*x on the desk remark. He didn't think House, or Rachel needed rescuing, but he wondered if Cuddy did.

"No," Cuddy replied, dialing the number of the back up baby sitter.

"Hi Megan, so glad you could step in on such short notice. What's your ETA? You're stuck on the turnpike, behind a multi-car pile up? Yes, I heard about it, most of the serious injuries went to Princeton General but we've got a couple of victims in to the E.R. a few minutes ago, no major injuries. I understand it's been tying up traffic for a while. The ambulance had a hard time getting through. That's why one person was medivaced."

"No don't worry about it. I'm sorry you're trapped in the mess. If you are worried your car is going to overheat, why don't you pull off at the next exit and wait it out or you could even go to a gas station and see if they can help."

"Yes, I'm sure as long as you make it by noon. A good friend is there. He's a doctor, so he should be able to handle everything, even the teething problems she's been having this week."

"Oh Cuddy, you two really deserve each other. How evil are you?" Laughed Wilson, wagging an accusing finger at her.

"Don't ask that question, Wilson, unless you really want to know the answer," she replied with a devilish grin.

"I want to know," said Wilson all agog.

"Well, according to Rachel's schedule. House should have fed her cereal this morning, and according to her digestive clock, he should definitely be changing a loaded diaper any minute now."

Cuddy gurgled. I'm going to see what I can catch on the cam. This is just too good to miss."

"I'd love to join you," Wilson said, "but I got a patient to see. Does your cam record? Cause I'd love to get some blackmail pictures."

"No Wilson," she said shaking her head, "I may need these pictures myself, but I would be glad to let you see them," she called after him as he left the elevator to go to his office.

Meanwhile at Cuddy's residence:

House had finally cleaned Rachel up after eating and looked at the glops of food, that still adorned the floor, wall and ceiling of the kitchen debating on how much he would leave for the sitter to clean-up. They had had fun, he had mixed the cereal with milk in the bottle, but the strained peaches had ended up everywhere. Instead of the sleepiness she usually displayed after Cuddy fed her, she was raring to go. It could have been the airplane noises and monster truck play by play, he had given during the meal or perhaps because he let her play with a couple pots and pans, while he popped his own bagel in the toaster. Rachel had loved the loud clashes she was able to make by banging the pots with a spoon and banging them together. He actually thought she might be a bit musical because she was able to imitate his rhythm. Ta- ta- tee- tee- ta," He said counting out the beats, and waiting as she repeated the beats back.

"Whoa, you are going to be a little prodigy." he said impressed. He then wrinkled his nose at the little grimace and grunting noise that Rachel was making. "Oooh Noooo, he groaned. If you are going to do that, I'm going to put you in your bed for a minute, while I come back and clean up the kitchen."

PPTH Dean of Medicine's office:

Cuddy went to her desk unlocked her computer and logged on to the baby cam. There was one in the nursery, and one that was portable. The portable one was off, but she turned on the nursery and saw Rachel looking expectantly at the door as House came in and she jumped up and down in the crib holding the railing." Doooc" she called, giving a smile of drooling delight.

"Oh Rachel, you are ripe." House said stretching his eyes and shaking his hands in horror, even though there was a dimple in his cheek. I am not even going to be able to pretend to ignore this until the sitter gets here."

"Peeuw. He said holding his nose. " I'm going to call you stinky. Or maybe skunk. Rachel Le Peuw, that's it. Yes, your Mommy is going to owe me big time."

Unbelievable to the woman watching, he started singing as he got things ready.

"Name of street, na baby, funky, funky Broadway. Down on Broadway, there's a night club, name of night club, funky funky, Broadway." He played air guitar as he acted out the song, first made famous by Wilson Pickett. He quickly prepped the changing table. He must have been watching her more than she though, because he knew exactly what drawer everything was in. Then he picked Rachel up out of the crib.

"Stankeee, you are one stanky little girl." he crooned, making loud sniffing noises as he laid her down on the changing table and quite efficiently untapped the sides or her diapers and used the diaper to sweep most of the waste away before putting in the trash can near by. He wiped her bottom with wet wipe, Used another wipe to distribute cream. Held her two ankles together, lifting her bottom as he slid the fresh diaper under her, deftly folded it through her legs and quickly fastened the new diaper.

This display was so adorable to Cuddy, she could barely stand it. He was actually teasing Rachel, and she loved it, not understanding that he was insulting her when he said the words in such caressing voice.

Wilson knocked briefly on Cuddy's door before he was bidden to enter. He closed the door behind him and stood transfixed by her expression. She was leaning on her elbow, one hand palming her chin, a pinky finger over lips curved in a heartbreaking smile. Her face was glowing and so full of love that a light seemed to be emanating from her. It made his own heart beat faster as he looked upon the beauty of a woman who was beginning to believe, her deepest longing and her destiny, could in fact be one. He had watched Cuddy looking at the baby Cam many times and he had never seen this particular look. He came around to her side of the computer and saw House in the final moments of changing Rachel and he was singing.

If Wilson, had been shocked at Cuddy's look of bliss, his head practically spun on his shoulders seeing his cranky friend singing a lullaby, only it wasn't a lullaby.

"Wiggle your legs now, baby shake your head. Do the shing-a-ling, now, baby. Shake, shake, shake. You don't know, now baby. Doing the funky Broadway". House crooned, strumming the little girl as if she was a guitar. Rachel was giggling and looking at him adoringly very much like her mother.

At the same time, both Wilson and Cuddy felt a clutch of fear. Cuddy, silently warning her daughter when you give your heart to this man you will never get it back and Wilson, feeling happy and envious and afraid for his friend all at once. The closer to heaven he got, the further the fall down and House was no where near strong enough to survive such a drop.

In the middle of both these dire thoughts Rachel began to cry and Cuddy noticed House had stepped out, probably to go to the bathroom across the hall, and before he could get back Rachel was screaming her head off. House took her back out of the crib and asked what was wrong and she began to cry louder. "

"What's wrong?" he said looking at her curiously. "You've been fed, you've been changed, there' no pins to stick you."

"Rachel, Rachel What's the matter?" he asked, looking in her eyes, reminding her of her own attempts to bond with the child several months ago.

Cuddy was tense for a minute. "She's been teething, I think that's probably it." she said reaching for the phone to call House.

"House ran his hand over the baby's forehead frowning, little, warm excessive drooling, fussy," by the time his hand ran down by her cheek, Rachel turned there wet mouth to capture a finger gumming furiously.

"Oh," House yelped. "Teething". He said with an ironic smirk. When he finally answered his ringing phone. "Oh Lisa Cuddy, your gigantic, rotundas a$$ is mine." He said into the phone.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Later that afternoon, Cuddy looked up from her work as House entered her office. She had been expecting him all morning and she was trying hard to control the gooey feelings bubbling up in her like hot caramel. She wanted to jump him right now, she was so full of emotion for the softness he revealed to her daughter. She would not tell him she had spied, if he was not ready to share his affection for Rachel, she would never force him. Just knowing it was there was enough for her.

She remembered too how Wilson, had admitted that House had been seeing a psychiatrist before Mayfield and he felt his confronting him about it, might have contributed to him quitting his therapy. Yes, it was best to wait on House's own sense of timing in revealing himself. Eventually Rachel herself would out him. House did not help in quelling her amusement by putting on his worse grumpy persona ever.

She did have to admit he looked a little worse for wear, there were orange and white stains on his shirt, and what looked suspiciously like a clump of oatmeal in his hair. Cuddy was very hard pressed to keep a straight face.

"Dr. Cuddy, may I have a private conversation, with Mommy Lisa please." He asked collapsing in the chair in front of her desk as if he was weary.

"Go ahead, House, I already talked to the sitter. It sounds like you did a great job. Thank you so much." She said in warm, pleasant but still slightly impersonal voice that she used in speaking to Rachel's caretaker.

"Your daughter is a bad seed and you should give her back immediately." He pronounced tapping his cane on the floor for emphasis."

Cuddy, eyed him sternly, knowing if he had said such a thing to her even yesterday, she would have been upset and angry. Now she knew it for an utter lie.

"House, you did not have to stay the whole time if you just said you refused on the first message. I would have come back home after my meeting or called the emergency sitting service. The backup got caught behind the pile-up on the pike."

"Yes I know, and she said you told her to take her time. Have brunch, get her car serviced. That I could handle it! Why didn't you just tell her to have a spa treatment and show up at 5pm?"

"Well you did handle it House, aren't you proud to know I trust you with her?" she asked being ultra reasonable and trying not give in to the laughter behind her fake clueless smile.

"The question is should you have trusted me with her. Not only did I get every baby fluid, waste product and goo known to man on me. She bit me. I might need to get tested for infection." House whined, giving her a pitiful pouty lip, as he held out his finger, trying to show a redness that she did not see.

"Don't be a wimp, House," exclaimed Cuddy no longer able to hold her laughter, she leaned on the desk trying to control her merriment.

"Oh you find this amusing do you? This took a toll on me. I have my list of demands here." He said pulling out a type written sheet that had 5 points listed down the page.

"You can have that copy, I have memorized them by heart."

I want amnesty on all past clinic hours. The slate should be wiped clean.

I want 13 to take half of all clinic hours that are mine for the foreseeable future or as long as she lives, which ever comes first.

When I get reinstated by the board, I want all diagnostic fellows senior and otherwise to report to me and to me only.

I want afternoon delight at home or at work, a minimum of 4 days a week. I want sex on every horizontal surface in your office and mine during regular business hours.

"Is that all?" Cuddy quipped back, the edges of her lip curling down in fake menace.

"Yeah." for now." He sat back in the chair and began to unwrap a red lollipop.

"Did we or did we not agree that our personal relationship and our private one would remain separate."

"I did, but under duress." he countered.

"Well you can't do favors at home in exchange for favors at work. So that eliminates all but part of item number four." She said drawing a line through each of his items.

"Wait a minute, that's not fair. No wonder there's always employees picketing outside this hospital. You have unfair labor practices."

"I'm open to your negotiating some things at home." She momentarily smiled every time she said the word home to him, because even though he maintained a separate space they were all but living together.

"You could ask for a few months off from taking the trash out? Oh, I forgot, you don't do that," she exclaimed in exaggerated realization holding her hand up to her mouth. "What about the yard work. Oh, you already got a break on that. Cooking? No. Laundry? No. Cleaning? No. So do you really want to talk about unfair labor practices?"

"Hey, I cooked my own breakfast and Rachel's today and I cleaned up the kitchen afterwards."

"Okay, I'm going to make sure you get a gold star for today, House."

"Come on, Cuddy, you pay people to do most of that stuff and since you make the big bucks, it's only fair you should. If we stay hooked up long enough I could go for palimony."

"Thanks for the reminder, I'll call my lawyer tomorrow." she returned.

"You didn't say no to the afternoon delight item, "he said with a devilish grin.

"You just got here House. Let's wait until tonight she said with a smile.

"My place?"

"No sitter," She moued, "besides, I want to check on Rachel. She tends to run warm when the teething is really bad."

"You knew about the teething," he said pointing an accusing finger in her face. The sitter said you told her Rachel's been teething all week. "He accused. "You could have warned me Cuddy. You set me up."

"If you had not been playing your Guitar with the head phones on for the last few days, you would have heard her and known about the teething."

"Well, if you are feeling neglected we can make up for that at anytime." He teased back with a grin.

"House, if we are supposed to be keeping our relationship secret, you may want to change your shirt. Do you have an extra one here?"

"No." he responded.

"Well, let me see if I can get that spot out." she said going over to stand at the door of her bathroom, her arm extended up in a unknowingly sexy posed as she leaned against the jam."

House looked at her as if she had lost her mind his big eyes actually made him looked scared. Cuddy was calling his bluff and she had noted he had locked the door behind him.

They stared at each other for a while the air getting thick with a growing desire for each other and for the forbidden.

"Do you want me to take my shirt off ."he asked huskily, striding toward her and starting to unbutton his shirt. Now suddenly he had turned the tables on her and as she retreated into the bathroom, he followed her in, closing the door and pulling the shirt off and handing it to her.

She took the shirt not speaking, and turned the water on the sink, she tent poled the stains and carefully put it under the cold water using a dab of the liquid soap.

She could feel House's warmth behind her and she suddenly looked up to meet his eyes in the mirror. She could barely breathe and she cursed herself for hoisting herself with her own petard. They were playing with fire, they both knew there was no way they should be doing this, no way they should even put themselves in this position, but they couldn't leave and they couldn't speak. Cuddy continued running water in the sink, the sound of it falling as constant as the rushing in her ears. It was as if they were magnetized

She could feel the hairs rise on the back of her neck as his breath fanned across her nape.

Strange, as forbidden as this felt to them, it also felt very comfortable, like their, morning ritual which often included sharing a bathroom just because they wanted to.

"Why did you have the contractors put a bidet in here?" she asked softly, glancing up to meet his eyes in the mirror once again.

"No, the real question is: why did you keep it?"

"The same reason I kept the desk." she replied.

"So you knew it came from me. I wondered?" he said laconically, his body suddenly tensing.

"I tried to thank you." she answered her face closing up right in front of him.

"I know they say intention is everything, but in certain cases a bit more is needed." he said dryly.

"I came to your office and you had some blonde hooker hanging around your neck." She shot back, succinctly, her voice suddenly sibilant and whispery, like the sound of a snake, sliding over ground and giving it's warning before a strike.

"What? She actually saw his shock and then his realization. "She was an actress, not a hooker, I hired her as a joke on Taub and Kutner."

"An actress?" Cuddy said skeptically, giving him that raised chin look of challenge. She partially turned her body to meet his eyes head on.

"Well she was an actress that day." He said with a slow smile. "So that's why I never heard anything about the desk. Nothing happened with her. I think you owe me an apology and a belated thank you," he said bending down suddenly to catch her mouth.

His mouth, his tongue his muscled chest under her wet hands. It was too much, It was just too much. Their kisses were long and thirsty, like teenagers in their first make out session. Her tongue arrowed into a point, glanced over his moustache, tracing the deep Philitral dimple from his nose to lip. He lifted her up on the sink and her legs wrapped willingly around him.

"This is wrong House." We can't do this here. It's crazy!" She whispered fiercely. Trying to control the noises of yearning that were emanating from her throat.

"Shh," House said covering her mouth, trying to quiet her noise, and then suddenly realizing the noise was coming from elsewhere. Someone was coding, and it was as nearby as in the clinic. House shrugged back into his shirt, buttoning it quickly, ignoring the wet spot, and trying to control his breathing. Cuddy hopped down from the sink, straightening her skirt. When they emerged from Cuddy's bathroom, she called the clinic to see what was going on.

"Well the only way we'd ever be able to ever accomplish that is if you had a muzzle or everyone in a 50 ft. radius was suddenly struck deaf." He gave her a slight smirk and teased. "There is a sound proof here?"

"Not happening House." She insisted her unruffled calm once more in tact.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

House had finally told his therapist about their relationship and the therapist had asked her to join them for the next session. House met him in an office where he saw patients once a week, it was half way between Mayfield and PPTH, but still a long drive. She tried to get House to tell her what the therapist had said about her, about their relationship, but he was pretty tight lipped. In fact, he seemed down right jumpy about their appointment. So instead he reflexively attributed it to her.

"What are you afraid of "the big bad mean psychiatrist is going to censure you for having a relationship with the nut job?" He had snapped.

When it came to the day of the appointment they were both a little nervous. As they climbed up the steps to the offices which where located in a red brick building designed in faux Georgian style. House hung a little behind her, not because of the limp, nor due to the reluctance, mainly to appreciate the view as she climbed the steps in her charcoal grey, pencil skirt.

"It's not like it's the Justice of the Peace." House snarked, catching up with her in time to open the door for her to step through.

Cuddy gave a snort, giving him a half annoyed, half amused side glance. In a way it was like the Justice of the Peace. Even though they remained in secrecy at work, this submission to even one joint counseling session was declaration that they were in fact a couple, in some official sense, and it's significance was not lost on either of them.

Cuddy was not sure how she felt about House's therapist, he was part of the infrastructure at Mayfield which had managed to keep them separated for so many months. She could kind of understand if had just been just at the beginning, but not for the whole time.

House introduced her to his therapist William Joseph, for what would pass for pride in anyone else. She couldn't believe he was acting like a well mannered professional introducing his significant other and then he screwed it up.

"Dr, Lisa Cuddy, my boss at work and want to be boss at home." He quipped.

The therapist laughed and reached out a hand, he was a tall dark-skinned African –American with a dynamic commanding presence. Now she understood this man's prescience had authority, plus an intelligence House could respect. He might actually be time enough for House, Cuddy accessed which made her feel good about his therapy experience, but not so great about her own.

"Dr. William Joseph, but please call me Bill," he introduced himself holding out a hand. Lisa uttered a wry polite greeting, her guard momentarily disappearing at his honest amusement as she shook the therapist hand.

"I hope you're not offended Dr. Cuddy, may I call you Lisa."

"Of course," she nodded as she took one of the chairs he indicted in front of his desk. "If I was going to be offended by what he says, it would be pretty much a permanent state of being," she responded.

"But he has offended you at times, and worse, a few times." the therapist continued, leaving Lisa in shock. Well he didn't waste anytime jumping in, she thought. But he had been in therapy with House for almost six months, he probably knew everything about her, from House's view of course. He seemed to sense her shock and sat back trying to ease her.

"I want to make this clear this is not couples counseling. I just felt it was important to talk to you both, especially in the light of this information being withheld previously. I may ask to meet with you both a few more times, but my patient is Dr House and even though the family dynamic is important, I think his indivual coping strategies with pain, drugs and emotional stress is my priority. I think he is fit for duty, mam, but there are a lot more quality of life issues we could tackle and I'll be here as long as he want to continue coming."

"It is very significant that you have both agreed to come. Congratulations to you both, that in itself tells me this relationship is important to you. Although I would say couples counseling would not come amiss. It's not my specialty but I do feel that there are counselors that could help you. I can give you a few names. Even with just one or two sessions or a weekend retreat, it would probably really help with communication."

"God no. Why do we need a couples' counselor when we have Wilson." House offered sarcastically out of the side of his mouth.

"That's exactly why we need couples counseling. " Cuddy responded.

"His three failed marriages is hardly a recommendation, but he does have varied experience and enthusiasm." House returned dryly.

"So tell me a little bit about the history of your relationship. How did you met?"

Cuddy and House glanced at each other for a moment but the therapist nodded at Cuddy, "I've heard House's version already, now I'd like to hear yours."

"Okay," Cuddy returned taking a deep breath. "We met in college. Michigan. I was an Undergrad, pre-med and he was finishing up medical school. We met the first time at the tennis courts. I was playing a match with my roommate, when House came with a buddy of his to use the courts. Instead of waiting quietly, he started giving us a hard time. Actually he was pretty obnoxious." But she was smiling as she said it, and even though her answers to the therapist were a little abrupt, in her head, the memories flowed and even though her eyes looked down as if searching or making a careful selection of what memory she would reveal, a small smile played at the edges of her mouth as she slowly began to look almost dreamy.

House was looking at her intently even as the therapist watched House with equal intensity. There was no doubt there was a powerful magnetism between these two people. When he had first asked the question they had shared a brief amused glance, but now they seemed separate again. Lisa Cuddy was looking more shuttered, while House watched her intently as if he was almost willing her to look up and meet his eyes. Bill Joseph expected him to reach out and touch her to get the connection he wanted, but he didn't. At first he crossed both long arms at the wrist and rested them over his knees which were also crossed, but his eyes remained fixated on Lisa Cuddy's face as if he would see through her skin. Then like a pipe smoker who could blindly stuff, tamp and light a pipe, he slid his hand in his inner jacket pocket and came out with a red lollipop slid the paper off with the merest whisper of sound and slid it in his mouth, his eyes never shifting from her face.

That had done it, even that sibilant barely heard sound had Lisa Cuddy glancing up and meeting House's eyes. Yes, very powerful attraction and deep emotional connection, but also fear, repression, control, and boundary issues. It seems in places they were overly connected, which caused them to choose space, sometimes inappropriately. They seemed at times overwhelmed by their own emotions, in some ways it seemed as if their relationship had gotten stuck in those college years.

Cuddy remembered it like it was yesterday, the white hot heat blazing down on the tennis court, and they were 30-all. Cuddy was serving, when the boys came, one tall and lanky, with dirty blond longish locks, and a rumpled appearance as if the clothes he wore had permanent storage on the floor. He had an outgrowth of stubble on his face as if he had just pulled an all niter. His companion was a couple inches shorter with as swarthy, faintly Latin appearance.

She knew who the tall one was of course, he was notorious among the medical and pre-med students. He was the brilliant, irreverent, Greg House, who had been kicked out of Hopkins's for cheating and in spite of his disrespect and rules breaking attitude, had garnered near worship from students and reluctant admiration from clinical professors for his diagnostic skills and his genius in solving for **X** in any medical equation. He had an ego, the size of Lake Michigan, but the students felt so controlled in their regimented lives with no time but to become pale drones in libraries, hospital corridors and science labs, that they worshiped the rules breaker. Cuddy was not immune to this even though, the most stringent controls in her life were self-imposed.

He was a guy who could close down a party, play sports, have a string of girls, infact have a life and still manage to get the grades to stay at the top of the class. He was almost a mythic hero, and sometimes she wasn't sure if the tales of his exploits had been embellished in the retelling. This was her chance to find out. After she made her game point she came to the fence to grab her towel and take a drink of water. "Hi," she greeted, looking curiously up at him, "we'll be done soon. There is a bench down there." she said to him, pointing further down the court on the outside of the fence. Not showing the sudden shyness she felt as he gave her an appreciative look up and down. His eyes were incredible she noted. They were a gorgeous ice blue and very quick and alert. They seemed to delve into her soul. Wow, she felt if she had been knocked out in that first glance and she struggled for breath, that she hadn't lost while playing a rigorous game of tennis in 80 degree heat.

"No worries, don't rush. I'm enjoying the view," he said eyeing the shapely tanned legs sticking out of the ridiculously short white tennis skort. "The sounds aren't bad either," he added meeting her eyes once again with a twinkle. She shifted her eyes away from that lightening contact. A "coup de foudre" the French word for love at first sight, literally meant a bolt of lightening and that's how she felt every time their eyes met.

"What sounds?" she asked feeling a little befuddled, dabbing her hot face with the towel. 'Could she have heat stroke?' He was tall and lanky, but there was a wiry strength about his arms and chest that was definitely athletic and his hair which a slight tendency to curl was almost hanging in his eyes.

"The sound you make when you hit the ball." he said once again focusing on her face with an amused interest as a tide of red washed up from her neck and she gave a disgusted, indignant snort and walked away. And he laughed. He actually laughed at her. What a jerk! With that motivation, she returned to the court attacking the ball with increased vigor winning the game in 10 minutes flat. Rebecca her roommate wondered why a relaxed friendly match had suddenly turned into a grand slam. She apologized as they left the court and House and his partner entered. She avoided looking at him and of course he wasn't letting her get away with that.

"What a cute little outfit", he called after her. "How often do you girls play?"

Her roommate who thought his friend was to die for had paused and turned to tell him, when Lisa nudged her with an elbow of warning. Seeing the by play Greg had followed them out of the gate.

"Come on, I was just teasing, don't hold a grudge." He turned to her friend.

"I'm only asking for my friend Ben," he said nodding towards his friend, who waved shyly and started to walk toward them. "He's an undergrad pre-med transfer and doesn't know many people yet. Perhaps we could get together for a doubles match?"

"We're freshman, Lisa's pre-med, and I'm psychology," Rebecca volunteered.

"Pre-med huh, "he said looking at her with increased interest. "I would have thought Art History."

"Why?" Lisa couldn't resist the bait even when she knew it was going no where good.

"You are just too young and cute to be stuck in a lab with a dead cat."

"I guess you think it would be better to be stuck in a dark room with a hundred hormonal jerks telling me I've got Mona Lisa smile and Venus di Milo's..."

"Yep, I agree, Venus has nothing on you," he said deliberately ogling her breast, plus you've got both arms and a mean backhand. I'm at the medical school myself..."

"I know who you are." Lisa interrupted rudely, irritated at herself for giving away the fact that people talked about him, and that she cared enough to listen. "And to the contrary, I have no problems at all imagining you stuck in a lab with your own personal cadaver. Poor cadaver."

"Okay, Lisa? "he said her name laconically, rocking back on his heels as he quested for her last name with a raised brow.

Cuddy had given an indignant toss of her head remaining resolutely mute.

"I'm sure I'll see you around." seeming more amused and intrigued by her behavior, than not. He was probably used to girls falling at his feet because the bad-boy image.

"Not if I see you first." Lisa had mumbled under her breath turning on her heels and leaving her surprised friend in her wake. And he had laughed again, that abrupt cackle that sounded like a rusty car.

The next time she met him he had known everything about her including that she was a 17 -year- old freshman, having skipped a couple grades in elementary school. From then on he had called her jail bait and seemed to love to torment her and treat her like she was 12. As hard is it was to think, because he had been so disrespectful, but she began to miss his original admiration. It had been the first time a man in his twenties almost ten years her senior had looked at her like she was a woman. Even though their friends were dating, they didn't see each other that frequently, sometimes she felt he was deliberately avoiding her. So she had gotten her roommate to pump his friend Ben. And he said House was closed mouthed, he didn't let anyone in, he had lots of admirers but not many friends. Ben said he called you a jailbait, heartbreaker once when he was drunk." Rebecca continued. "I've seen the way he looks at you some times, he likes you, but he feels you are too much younger than him."

So the next semester, she had managed to wangle her way into his Endocrinology class as an audit. She didn't have the prerequisites to officially take the class. She had to get three professors to write notes for her to even audit, that was not hard since she was at the top of her class, and had gotten most of her introductory science classes over by advanced placement, and starting college during an accelerated honors summer semester. Once she was in his class is when their friendship had really began. Where the codependency began. They ended up in the same study group and he would tutor her, he had taken the class before. The semester he was dismissed from Hopkins. But strangely enough when it came to taking test, he would often glance furtively at her paper. She remembered confronting him about it once.

"I know you know this stuff, you're helping me, so why do you need to cheat, are you trying to get thrown out again?"

"Most of the time I take test really well, but sometimes, I have a hard time focusing. I think it's you." He pouted at her. " I have to glance at your breasts every every ten minutes," he teased. It was the first time he had said something sexual since that first day, and she blushed looking away from him and then quickly back.

"You are such a jerk. I don't know why I put up with you. Don't involve me in your next cheating scandal. You may not mind if you end up having to get your degree from a Med school in the Grenadines, but I would. Okay." she said indignantly.

"Because you want me to be your tutor. " he shot back.

"I don't really need a tutor," she returned. "I could manage with just the study group."

"Just wait to you get to advanced Biology, Anatomy and Chemistry, you are going to need me then." he challenged her with a sensuous curve to his mouth that let her know his meaning. Why after treating her like a kid for the past year, he was suddenly flirting with her again. Of course, it was because she had dated one guy more than three times, she didn't know how he knew, perhaps he was getting information from her roommate Rebecca.

She blinked when she heard the therapist give her a prompt. " I know this may be a little sensitive, because you're bound to have different versions of it, but how did the relationship end?"

This time the therapist noted they did not glance at each other and they both shut down. It was predictable, no one liked to talk about the end of a relationship no matter how long ago it was, or how young they were at the time. He wondered if perhaps he should have asked Lisa Cuddy, to see him alone, because for the first time she looked not only uncooperative, but almost wild with fear. Her eyes searching the room seemingly for a route of escape. Like a bug caught under a glass.

It was too late to undo this, thought Bill, because there was House her mate the man that loved the mystery above all except perhaps this woman, was looking for all the world like the little boy who was holding the jar down and noting the bugs wild gyrations with interest. House would have his answer, whether now or later. Here was better Bill thought looking at the small almost fragile woman with some sympathy, at least he would give her a safe environment into which to confess. He had no idea why he thought that, he did not think House dangerous to anyone but himself, but right now she looked like a woman with a secret she would die to keep. No, his judgment had been off, this was not typical at all. Why would he expect anything to do with Greg House to be so?


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Dr. William Joseph decided that Lisa Cuddy needed some breathing room. "You look a little pale Lisa, do you need some water, or tea. Do you need, the ladies room, my assistant can show you." And then suddenly the assistant was at the door and Cuddy was following her gratefully out of the room.

House gave him a what did you that for look.

"Come now, House, she was looking a little overwhelmed. She needs a break. You are enough for me as a patient I don't need two."

"Is it unreasonable for me to want to know what ended us all those years ago. Perhaps it's the same thing that kept us apart for so long."

"I think what ever it was that you also had your part in it whether you realize that or not so please keep that in mind. You are together now, that's the important thing, surely, and if you care about her more than the puzzle which is what you admitted. Then you won't make this more difficult than it needs to be for her."

"Geez, you sound just like my friend Wilson, I told you he had the makings of a good therapist." Both men stopped talking as Cuddy reentered the room with a cup of tea, and the assistant asked if anyone else wanted a refreshment and the therapist had her bring tea and coffee shortbread cookies for everyone. He chit-chatted for a few minutes trying to relax them both and when he noticed Lisa's shoulders were not up at her ears and House had leaned back in his seat, he asked her to continue.

"Well, it wasn't some great romance from the beginning, there were sparks, but we were more like friends," she said hesitantly.

"With benefits," inserted House.

"That was only that last night." She replied indignantly

"Only because you had a buzz."

"I only had cider, someone must have spiked it. It was my 18th birthday. I was in between boyfriends and Greg, invited me to come on this outing. I knew he didn't believe much in celebrating birthdays, so I was surprised mostly because after we finished Endocrinology, he had switched to the Sunday testing option for his quizzes so he rarely had the whole weekend free. This time she looked up as briefly remembering something pleasant. The camping sounded like an adventure and she had been excited about going.

*****

It was the end of October the weekend after homecoming. They Wolverines had won against Notre Dame, and people were still in a party mode. In a couple weeks in would be Thanksgiving break and they would be in the home stretch before finals. A group of mostly med and premed students were going to pick apples in an local orchard and sample some cider and have a barbecue and sleepover at the farm.

Students had brought tents and camping supplies. They had driven in his car, she had a sleeping bag but no tent. You can share my tent." he said almost too nonchalantly. "Or if you don't trust me they are making part of an out building available for those without tents."

"Trust you, Greg House, not a chance." she had quipped back, giving him a sideways glance.

"You don't think I could sleep with you in a tent with out trying to jump you?" He asked grinning, as if he thought it a compliment she thought him that frisky.

Her eyes flashed up at him. Their eyes catching fire as they thought about the one night they had given in to their simmering attraction and kissed. They had been at her desk and he was tutoring her. He was quizzing her on Glucose Metabolism Pathways for a Bio-Chem. test. And she had just successfully remembered that the Pentose Phosphate pathway generates NADPH in step 1 of the reaction and by step 3 of the reaction Glucose 6 Phosphate is broken down to Ribulose 5 Phospate. It was 2:00A.M. The only thing good about taking Bio-chem and auditing Endocrinology in the same semester was that a lot of the information overlapped.

When she had yawned he had leaned over to give her a hard kiss, saying he was trying to wake her up. Well that had worked, but the kiss had quickly gotten out of control culminating in him scooping her up and on to the desk and sliding between her legs. They had kissed long and hungrily, but she had broken it off when she felt the hardness beneath his belt.

"We're both dating other people, House. "What do you want from me?"

"I would have thought was pretty obvious", he replied, running his fingers through his hair.

She had told him she needed more than that and that he had to go. She had closed the door behind him with a sense of regret. They had chemistry, but he had to come to her with more than that. That had been last semester. Now they didn't see each other quite as much because they were not in the same class, but she did get him to come tutor her twice a month even though she didn't need it. Having someone to study with helped make the long hours in her books not as laborious. They both knew she didn't really need the help, but it was a game they played to spend time together.

"You don't seem to be big on self control." she quipped.

"Oh, you've helped me with that. " he returned with a wry twist of his mouth.

"How?" She looked at him not understanding what he meant .

"Oh, you are so organized and responsible, some had to rub off." he shot back.

"Ha, me influence you? Not likely," she sniped, but she had the feeling there was a double meaning there she wasn't quite getting.

The orchard was incredible, the stretch of rolling green lawns, with large golden bales of hay and the irrigation pumps in the distance. The most beautiful thing was, the rows and rows of apple trees laden with fruit. It was a huge spread and as well as the orchard, there was a cider mill, horse back riding, and an Inn. It also seemed there was a pumpkin patch in full swing and during it's season they offered strawberry picking as well.

They followed the signs to the north field which was close to the Inn. It was where everyone was supposed to meet up. They were early and they decided to go horse back riding and join up with others later for the group picnic. The horses were a good way to cover large amounts of ground, and Cuddy could not believe the beauty of it they crested a hill and looked down at the farm laid out before them looking too neat to be real. The smell of apples, grass and hay was all about them and the smell of the horses. There was a time when she was 11, that she had taken lessons and actually gotten as far as jumping, but then her desire to make the stellar grades to get into the best colleges on the fast track took over, and she had only been riding a few times in the last couple years. She realized then how very much she had missed it. House was not a bad rider, he had a more western style, where as hers was English and she was glad they had horses that were trained in English and western style. She accepted a hat but not a crop, glad she had worn sturdy low boots with her jeans.

As they turned their horses back toward the stables, she began posting, and her horse was off like a rocket as she yelled back. " The last one back to the stables has to take care of both horses." House's horse broke into a gallop minutes later and they were off to a race across the fields on the backs of strong muscled animals. The ride ripped the breath from their lungs in a way that was the most exhilarating sensation she had felt in a long time.

At least so she thought until House had helped her dismount after their arrival back at the stables. She kicked free of the stir-ups and grabbed the front of the saddle preparing to dismount, when she found him standing beside her horse, waiting for her to slide down into his arms. There was such electricy between them as their eyes met and held. As his large hands spanned her rib cage, she wondered if he could feel her accelerated heart beat. He held her for a moment before allowing her to slide down to the ground. She stayed trapped a bit too long between the warm muscled bodies of man and horse. Her breathing was totally out of control, you'd think she was the one who had made the mad dash across the fields and not her horse. But it was then, looking into his eyes that she understood very clearly that things between them had changed. 'Oh my God, this was a date,' she thought almost swooning as she lifted her face. Just as their mouths were about to touch, they heard the loud voices of the stable hands approaching and swiftly drew apart.

They made use of the showers and changing rooms that were available before finding the group of twenty plus students having a barbecue and picnic nearby. There was a lot cider and other forms of alcohol, mostly beer. It was good to be with the group breaking the tension between them. During the course of the day, they played badminton and went apple picking down the long lanes of trees looking like green tunnels with light filtering through, dappling their faces. Even though they were with others, they always seemed to be alone and occasionally he reached for her hand and swung it between them. She could not believe this was Greg House, he was more relaxed and a lot less cynical than the House she knew. They even went on a hay ride.

Most of the students there were paired up but the ones who weren't ended up playing some form of spin the bottle and people started disappearing in pairs. She had started to wonder what she was getting herself into but there was warmth in her chest and she felt sort of glowing and loose limbed, the tight control she usually had on her emotions was lifted. It was her 18th birthday and she should be able to celebrate. And Greg House was looking her in that particular way again, the way he had looked at her when they first met.

Although they could be loosely termed as friends they didn't really socialize that much outside class, study group, and tutoring. Sometimes they would be included in a group going out to a party or meeting up at one of the pubs near school. That was mainly because her roommate and his friend were dating. From the time she slipped off the horse and looked into his and knew what this weekend meant, her heart began to race as she knew she would soon have a decision to make ,was she going to share his tent or not?

She had rinsed a shiny Jonathan Apple off with her water bottle, taken a bite, and was about to take a second when House grabbed her wrist.

"So are you going to let me have a bite," he asked. And the whole symbolism was not lost on her and he was waiting for her answer now. She thought she would have more time, as she raised the apple up to his lips her eyelids lowered, lashes shuttering her eyes, for a moment as his wolfish teeth cut into the apple in the same spot she had chosen and her lids flipped up, opening wide. She was trembling as he gently ran his fingers through her dark curls tugging almost roughly.

"Be sure."

"Do you think I'm a child?" she challenged tilting her chin up at him.

"Hell no, most of the time you act old enough to be my mother, but you're not. Thank God." And he leaned to kiss her passionately the taste of apples and anticipation mingling on their tongues. They went back toward the group to gather round the fire toasting marshmallows, smores, and hot cider, and the rest of the couples began to drift off by two's having staked a corner while a loud raucous group stayed by the fire singing silly songs that became more and more bawdy as the night went on, but she and House had wandered off and instead of immediately going to the tent they walked among the orchards once more, the trees forming an arch of heavy bowed greenery above their heads. For a moment they paused against the Hayride wagon, and as he drew closer she leaned against him stroking his shoulders.

"You are not drunk are you?" he asked quietly, suddenly stiffening under her ministrations.

"No," she said,

"You've got a buzz though, did you get the spiked cider."

She shrugged feeling all the anxiety and control removed from her. It felt like her brain usually tight and judgmental had expanded to include the wide expanse land and even the arch of trees and the bowl of stars above them. She gave a soft sensual smile as wound her arms around his neck

"What do you want?" this time he was asking the question, and she tried to focus as she knew the question was important, but she was suddenly shy. She wanted to say, 'I want you to love me. I want to be your girl,' but what came out was different.

"I want to wear your graduation ring "she said, remembering he had put in an order for his med school graduation ring.

"Okay," he said with out hesitation. "It'll be too big, but I'll get you a chain for it." He continued, nodding his head in agreement. "As long as we don't have to wait until I get it." He finally whispered as his head lowered.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

"We' re both available right now, I'd call that perfect timing." And she nodded looking up at him. "I want you in worst way. And I have for a really long time."

And this is as romantic as it gets from Greg House, she thought standing on tip-toe to meet his approaching mouth. As he began kissing her again, she was slowly seduced by the sweet, gentle foray of his tongue as it licked her bottom lip as if she was candy, before sucking it gently into his mouth, and quickly releasing it, stunning her with the sensuous lap at the inner skin of her lip before delving deeper, gliding against her teeth and beginning a mindless spinning rhythm that had such tenderness and passion so inextricably entwined, that it would be difficult to separate it. His hands were on her back supporting her extended position and in that moment there was such seeking thirst in his kiss that she wanted to cry. Then in a gathering intensity of passion, he was lifting her onto the hay wagon and she slid backward until she felt the wool of a blanket under her palms. He followed her, crawling on his knees and hands to her and giving her a hot claiming kiss on her inner thigh that steamed through tight fabric of her jeans, before his body covered hers, the weight of him on her was a temporary assuagement to the aching throb that moved through her core. It was such a delight she could not keep herself from moaning. The twilight had deepened to indigo darkness, and as she looked up at the stars she found herself resting on the thick wool blanket with her head thrown back to offer him access to her throat.

He started kissing her neck and the side of her face, and she felt the nibble of his teeth and his scruffy beard, and then his tongue was tracing the back of her ear and sending his wet pointed tongue to further explore down into her ear, she shivered with a mixture of desire and something almost approaching revulsion at the wetness, but as his hands moved to unzip her jacket and then unbutton her shirt everything he was doing converged into a shivery stream of incredible awareness, so by the time he had found her mouth and went to the other side of her face to her other ear, she was almost holding her breath with anticipation for the returning wetness of his exploring tongue. In less than five minutes he had turned her, reversion her sense of pleasure and converting her sensations from shudder of revulsion to the trembling whimpers of reveling, revelation. His fingers were alternately rough and gentle, palming her breast and then pinching the hardened nipples rolling them in his fingers. He had pulled his T-shirt over his head and she felt his chest crushing her breasts as their legs tangled, churning the hay as their movements became even more urgent. She felt him slide down her body, his lips on her breast and then his hands, impatiently unsnapped and unzipped her jeans, his nimble fingers sliding inside her bikini undies, finding the silky wetness of hot honey glazed skin, seeking the welcoming moisture she had no desire to hide. "

"Lisa, you are so beautiful." He groaned, lifting up to look at her he began kissing her again his tongue and fingers performing duplicate movements at opposite ends of her body. How did he know? How did he know how to do this? Her thoughts were wild her two clumsy encounters had in no way prepared her for this feeling as if she was all sensation. She had never felt this tightening that seemed to be drawing together her insides. There was an ache that went through her and she was suddenly biting his bottom lip, her own hands wandering in sightless demand as they glided across this chest following the hair arrowing down his chest towards the waistband of his jeans. He had pulled his hand from her soft dewy core and she cried in protest, but somehow his elbow pressed over her lower abdomen, by accident or design providing the exact pressure over the spot that ached for him, and she began crying his name in ragged appeal and she arched up allowing him to remove her pants and panties all in one motion. The cooling night air chilled her, pricking her skin with goose bumps. She knew this time, this time it was going to be good. She would not be left high and dry on the crest of the hill with no way to get down as she had during those furtive fumblings in the back seat of her high school boyfriend's car and in his parents basement. She had not even slept with a guy since she had been at Michigan, she really didn't want to unless there was feeling involved in it. The first time there was emotion but physically it had fizzled, this time she admitted she had both and there was no way she was missing this opportunity. She felt the rough fabric of his denim covered thighs against the tender skin hers and she was reaching for the rivet at the top of his fly, wanting him as naked as she was.

Her skin felt the rough textures of the hay and the wool blanket. She shuddered as he divested himself of his jeans retaining his boxers, as he dug into the pants of his jeans and came out with a thin flat silver and red package, a condom she thought in relief. She was not on the pill, not considering it worth it to be on it, when she was not planning to be sexually active anytime soon, so she was glad he had come prepared. Her eyes widened as the bulge in in his boxers became revealed, he was well endowed which not exactly a secret since her roommate was always giggling about it. He noticed her wide eyes and leaned over to caress her face. You are not nervous are you? I will make sure you are okay," he said.  
"Yes, I'm nervous," she murmured in shy admission, "but not nervous enough to say no." and they both ended up laughing softly together as he donned the condom and returned to kissing the skin on her chest and torso, his teeth scraping across her skin as his mouth closed over her right nipple while his hand busily occupied her left, his hairy, muscular thighs were between hers flattening her thighs open like butterfly wings and as she felt them slide together skin on skin, she once again welcomed the tactile stimulation of his fingers, it seemed as if he was trying to make her loose her mind as his head went further down and his tongue replaced the manipulation of his fingers, her cries rang out in the night startling a nearby owl, and merging with the sounds of music still coming from the camp fire. She began to realize the reason for the long and torturous approach to this moment was his attempt to prepare her body to accept him. Just when she thought she would explode she felt his hardness probing her and she took a deep breath and opening her self wider at his gruff request. He advance slowly groaning out his solicitations for her welfare and giving a grunt of satisfaction as her tightness accommodated him. He began to thrust within her tightness groaning his delight. It was like she was caught in a thunderous storm, it was as if her soul had left her body and she was gasping trying to catch up. She couldn't think, everything moving too fast for her to register. Her attempts to keep pace with his rhythm was awkward, but as her body caught fire it seemed it took over for her and their undulations, were soon followed by waves of feeling radiating from her core to her extremities. They both had waited for this for so long and with the length of foreplay it did not take them long before their cries and involuntary spastic movements heralded orgasms that hit her first and precipitated his to quickly follow.. She kissed him all over his face crooning her delight as her legs wound around him, after shocks of feeling still quivering through her. She had finally done it, now she knew what it was really supposed to be like. It was heavenly. He gave a laughing whisper responding to her delight with pride,

"Well. I don't have to ask you how was it?" he joked. "But I will. Are you okay?"

"I'm more than okay" she admitted shyly. She could not believe his sweetness.. It was not something she had ever expected from him.

"Do you want to go to the tent", he said, gently picking straw out of her hair.

She shook her head no, as she began to nuzzle the side of his neck and his arms closed around her. She like being under the stars with him away from everyone else. She wanted to ask him how it had been for him, but she was hit by another attack of shyness. She had the bare minimum of experience, but he had seemed to be into her. They had found another softer blanket, which was a mercy, because now that her nerve ending were quieting from House's assault, they seemed to be ultra sensitized to the other rough textures around them. After they had cuddled for a while, and were both drifting in an out of sleep, she had finally got enough nerve to ask him.

"God, Lisa, that's one thing you don't ever have to worry about, you are so gorgeous," he said gruffly, "You have the most perfect body, I have ever seen. You got rid of that pesky physical barrier, but are still innocent enough to have some things to learn. His voice was getting thicker by the minute. I have been your tutor in every thing else. And you're a fast learner. I am sure you are going to be an excellent pupil". As long as I keep abit of cider around, I'm sure you will be up for the task,". he teased.

"The question is, 'are you up for the task?," she asked boldly, reaching for him and finding him very much ready. She began kissing him following the hair arrowing down his chest as her head disappeared under the wool blanket."

"What are you doing?" he challenged as he felt palpably her intention and stiffened as her feather kisses went lower." Her head came back up briefly as she looked at his aroused face.

"I'm studying for my next Anatomy quiz," she teased.

"You can't see anything, so I'm sure we'll have to have a review in a well lit area."

Her soft laugher rippled against his stomach then, teasing him, she went lower to his thighs as her hands began to arouse him and just as he began to stiffen and moan, he felt the surprising confident touch of her lips and tongue.

"Damn Lisa, he groaned in guttural protest, "You are going to get an "A+," and as she found her pace, all his further communications turned to grunted incoherent pleasure. After a night of thoroughly exploring each other, they ended up tightly wrapped in the wool blankets.

Lisa awoke first stretching with delight against the length and breadth of the male body intertwined with her own. Physically he was definitely a man, and no boy she thought, possessively able to look at his sleeping face with an intensity that she would have never been allowed while he was awake. She looked at the long molded jaw and the prominent adams apple. But there remained something of a pouting injured child about him, was it the bottom lip or the deep philtrum that that ran between nose and lip, or the long suffering looks he could give when he was asking for something, but refusing to put it in words. In spite of the fact that his habitual one day growth of stubble could make him look dangerous, when he was clean shaved he looked younger than his years.  
As the first of the bluish predawn light filtered through the arc of the apple leaf canopy, she noticed a strange sound, like a whisper, and then peering beyond the trees she saw a gray mist spreading, and realized it was raining so softly that it had not penetrated their tree tops, but if it became much harder it would. She shook House, not wanting to wake him too abruptly but not wanting to get wet, she searched around for her clothes pulling away in spite of his sleepy, indignant protest.  
"Greg, Greg, she insisted. It's raining we have to get dressed. He finally became conscious, instantly perceived the situation, gave her a sweet brief morning kiss. Before they began to scramble into their clothes. They carried one of the blankets with them as they ran towards the Inn and the glistening top of his blue tent. The sky opened up before they were halfway there and the torrential rains, made heavy sopping mess of the wool blanket and soaked them to the skin. It was suddenly cold and wet and they were shivering when they passed the door of the Inn it was flung open and they were bid to enter.

"Come In come in," the older woman with steel gray hair encouraged. "You are going to catch your death." They entered through a side door, and were taken to what appeared to be a mud room and given towels.

"You two crazy kids. Why in the world were you coming from the Orchards this time of morning." The woman was probably in her early 60's and introduced her self as the owner. You'll need to be getting out of those wet clothes. We do have an available room you don't have to pay, but please leave a nice tip for the maids. There are robes in the room, and we can dry your clothes, she offered eyeing them as if trying to determine their ages. Cuddy felt a little uncomfortable under her discerning gaze, and was glad when short wiry man she introduced as her son showed them to a small room with a cheery fire in the a fireplace and, two, fluffy white terry cloth robes. Greg, said the rain had slacked off a bit and he was going to run out and grab their things. She thought he was staying wet too long but she nodded. Once he was gone she shed her wet clothes and began running a hot bath.

She noticed with amusement they even had apple bubble bath and apple soap in the bathroom. She was in the tub with bubbles up to her neck when he returned. She could hear him bumping around. He knocked on the door and came in wearing the terry cloth robe. She looked up from her bath of scented bubbles feeling quite shy when she met his newly hungry gaze.

"Plenty of light in here," he teased grabbing her foot, after her first squeal of protest she tried to temper her decibel levels knowing most people in the end were probably not quite awake. He threatened to climb in the bath with her and after their suds fight he might as well have.

"Well, at least I can see more than I did when I came in."

"You are insatiable." she retorted.

He just grinned in acknowledgement, but to her surprise, he did not invade her bath, but went over to the small corner shower stall that had been put in as a modification when farmhouse was changed over to an Inn.

Later they were in bed after another round, he had been a lot slower and gentler with her, realizing, that she had sore spots that would soon turn into bruises.

It was not until they were on the drive back to school that she mentioned another subject.

"I'm missing some of my clothes from last night, I hope I didn't leave them in the hay," she said blushing at the thought of someone finding her underwear.

"What clothing?" he asked nonchalantly, but there was something in his voice. A thin line of amusement that caught her attention.

"Gregory House," she demanded. "Did you steal my underwear?"

"Woman, I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm sure the field hands will get a bit of thrill when they find them." He was not yet as practiced at deception then, and the twinkle in his eyes gave him away.

"You, you pervert." she shrieked, wanting to hit him, but knowing he had to focus on driving.

"If I am it's because of you." he shot back. And Lisa Cuddy relaxed back in her seat the secretive smile

which would rarely be seen for many years curving her mouth. he had called her woman.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Bill Joseph looked at the couple in front of him with compassion. They both looked visibly shaken. As a therapist he could see there was something bad here that should have been addressed many years ago. It was like someone impaled on a dagger and the instinct was to remove the dagger, but it was the wrong thing to do, if the dagger had severed an artery you better have a tourniquet ready or the person would bleed out. He had not shown the caring part of himself to Greg House in the past, because House was a person who saw softness as an open invitation to manipulation.

As he looked at the two disturbed people in front of him he wondered if he had not signed on for couples counseling after all. If he let them walk out the door, they would very likely discuss this when they left without anyone to help them through it. He mentally picked up his tourniquet and prepared himself. Then he asked the question.

"Strange this is where Greg halted the story too. Is it possible it was a misunderstanding or was it the sex? Maybe you were still too young, psychologically." he said, his head inclined toward Cuddy.

"No, it's not that. Greg, wasn't my first, but he may as well have been." she said blushing.

She had, had a boyfriend the last year of high school and when he found out she was leaving early for the summer program at Michigan, they had decided to have sex. Which ended up being some desperate furtive and painful gropings in his car and his parents' basement. Cuddy was glad she had gotten the virginity thing out of the way because she had cared about Ryan, but it had not broken her heart to leave him even after the sex. It had been disappointing to Cuddy, but she knew that there was a lot more to it than what she had discovered so far.

"What was it then?" House insisted, "You avoided me like the plague when I got back to school. You wouldn't take my calls, you wouldn't see me. I had to stalk you to even get a chance to talk to you and then you looked at me like I was a stranger."

Cuddy looked at him and saw the wheels turning in his head, the gig was up he was never going to let this go until she admitted it.

"I got pregnant," she blurted, knowing it was the last thing she wanted to say like this, in this place

"From our one night together you got pregnant?"

"Yes," she said quietly, finally finding the courage to look up at him, there were tears in her eyes and her nose was red. And then her face crumpled and she started to cry. It was an ugly cry, with water and mucous and little gulping sobs dragged painfully from her core, as if a hole had been ripped in a wall she had built around herself and her memories. She accepted tissues from Bill Joseph, turning her face towards the high back chair.

House shook his head like a boxer going down for the count. He hadn't known what she was going to reveal but it definitely was not this. He stood up suddenly and limped the few steps to Cuddy's chair. He sat on the arm of the chair and reached over to her to grasp her shoulders.

"But we used protection Lisa, how? Oh my God." He said, remembering how heady that experience had been and that he had used an old condom from his car for the last time they had had sex that morning

. "Why didn't you tell me? What happened?"

Then Bill Joseph looked at Lisa Cuddy, her skin was pearl pale, the only color, the gray blue of her eyes that looked like the sky after a cloud burst. She was quieter but there were still tears pouring down her face and she was not responding to the man in front of her.

Joseph, quickly and quietly picked up the phone and asked the receptionist to cancel his appointments for the rest of the day. It seemed he was going to be a couple's counselor today and perhaps even a grief counselor before the day was done.

"But Cuddy had caught House's look of epiphany, quickly hidden. And probed.

"What did you remember about that night, House, why did you just look like that?"

"Condoms aren't full proof, but I don't remember any problems."

"Why would you? It was twenty years ago."

"The same reason you remember," he said, roughly. "So what happened to the ... You had an abortion," he said matter of factually, but his voice was hoarse with underlying accusation, his face, suddenly older and grey.

"Why do you assume that?" She retorted her tone angry.

"Because Cuddy, a lot of the med students did, no one was going to invest that much time and money for their education and have it ruined by the results of an unplanned roll in the hay. And you, you were the most ambitious of all."

Cuddy winced, wondering if the hay reference was deliberate.

"Well, you are wrong!" she said a little life and feistiness coming back to her voice.

"No, I had a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy to be precise."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"You mean, you haven't found a reason to dig though my medical records yet?" She snapped, at once deflecting and defensive.

"Well, I have an excuse now, don't I?" he shot back.

"I tried to tell you, on the day you got back to the University. Funny all the time you were gone you called me one time from the airport. You were gone for a month and you never even called to tell me how your parents were. Why would I think you even wanted to know. For all I knew at the time, you wanted to forget it ever happened. I went to your group house, and there was a naked girl sitting on the edge of your bed playing a cello. Oh let me rephrase that. She was wearing your class ring and nothing else. She said you were unofficially engaged." Cuddy had risen from her chair and faced him accusingly .

"Wait a minute. Kristin Dempsey was in my room? I had broken up with her weeks before we got together. Why the hell didn't you talk to me. Why would you take her word for it?"

"I had more than her word, I had my own eyes. She was so comfortable in your room, and when she put on clothes it was one of your T-shirts and pair of her jeans from your closet. She even knew you were sick and your Mom had been in a coma." Lisa sat back down in her chair defeated. "What was the point in telling you, anyway, It was done, almost before it had begun. I barely had a week to think about having or not having an abortion before it was over. A terrible week."

"Lisa, believe me, Kristin was over. She was lying, and if she was wearing my ring she stole it. It hadn't arrived when I left for home. The owner of the group house had a soft spot for her. He used to let her stay there when she had a fight with her roommate. He probably let her use my room while I was gone. Any information she had about me and my parents she probably got from him. I was not in contact with her, I did not get back until that night. Maybe you were too young."

"So everything was my fault." she shot back."

"No, I'm just saying, you let someone tell you things with out checking it out for yourself. That's not like you. About, not calling you, I almost ended up in the hospital myself with bronchitis. I know you probably don't remember this but when I called from that phone booth at the airport, you could barely understand me. I had already lost my voice."

"I do remember you being hoarse. You did stay in your wet clothes much longer than I did," she said nodding.

"I am sorry Lisa," he said, reaching a shaky hand out to trace the tears on her face. "If there's any fault it is mine. I was an adult, or should have been and I should have taken better care of you. His breath came out in an exhaled whistle. "I shouldn't have given up trying to talk to you no matter how many times you slammed the door in my face."

Finally the therapist stepped in and the two people were startled they had forgotten he was there. "It is important to take responsibility but not blame. The pregnancy would never have come to term, no matter whether you were together or not. And it seems you were going to be in different parts of the country for many years, it would have been difficult, nearly impossible to maintain a relationship. It is unfortunate it was ended by mischief that caused some unnecessary pain for both of you. I'm sorry to both of you for the loss of your child. Even though the baby would never have been born it is important to accept it and acknowledge it as a loss. For you Greg this is fresh, for you Lisa, you buried it and never allowed your self to grieve. That's kept you stuck there. Going forward, you need to support each other and give yourself time to heal. I understand you have an adopted daughter, Lisa. I know nothing can replace the child you lost, but at least you have had this experience of becoming a mother and even have Greg to help you there, but don't pass this off as nothing. I know as doctors you may get clinical as a deflection, but it's important to acknowledge that you have created a life together even though it was a short life, and this should bring you together, not create distance."

"Is that why you went through IVF?" House gasped as in realization. "Is that why you have wanted a child so much?".

"Yes, I think so. I was lucky, they saved the fallopian tube, but there was some scaring.

"Did you ever get any procedure done to clear the scaring?"

"No," she said staring at him. "These procedures are not always successful, I didn't want to go through all that or risk another ectopic. That's why I went with IVF."

Josephs looked at them both and did not want to interrupt, they seemed to be doing okay and House was sitting close to her, his hand still on her shoulder.

"I'd really like to see you both again, in addition to House's regular appointment. You have dug up a lot of feelings and I'd like to give you a chance to process and have you back in. One thing I will give you as a take away, is that if you are in a relationship and you have some knowledge of the other person, and something seems to be out of character, or there seems to be an overreaction. It's often a response to something in their past. Not necessarily their childhood, but some kind of emotional bruise. So you two should work on maintaining communication during a crisis, there are certain things that may make you want to pull away as you think you can handle it alone, but part of being in a relationship is working through the problems together and not being afraid to make yourselves vulnerable with each other. Before your next session, I want you to think about what you revealed here and what made you not be able to talk to each other. I know you were both young, and your relationship was new, so we would hope you would handle it a little differently now. That isn't necessarily the case, since your relationship style was probably set then and is in many ways remains similar. So you could face the same issues again in this new relationship. It is bad that someone was able to cause mischief, but your lack of being totally honest with each other and hearing each other out contributed to it. I know it's cliché' but in a relationship especially one with history such as yours, you have an opportunity to learn from your mistakes."

After making an appointment House and Cuddy left the office both looking a little shell shocked.

They were mostly quiet on the way home. They were both feeling raw and vulnerable but calm and lost in their own thoughts. Before they got out of the car he turned and looked at her his face contemplative.

"Are you okay?" he said gruffly.

"Yes, she said taking a deep breath and meeting his eyes briefly. "I'm sorry I never told you, but after it was over, I felt I didn't want to make someone else as sad and depressed as I was." She reached out to him touching his shoulder and he took her in his arms and just held her tightly.

"So sorry." He whispered softly in her ear. "I have impacted your life in so many ways that I never realized." he said thoughtfully. "There's still more isn't there? He asked pulling back from her a little."

"How do you know?"

"Because it doesn't make sense, you were so cold to me like you never even wanted to open the door to a possibility that I could give you an explanation about Kristin, it was as if you wanted to believe bad things about me so you could end the relationship."

"House, can we go inside. I'm not trying to put you off but the Nanny is waiting to go and I have to get Rachel settled for the night."

He nodded reluctantly, but she could tell from his stubborn look that he was not going to let her off the hook so she steeled herself to prepare for it.

When they went inside, the Nanny was waiting to leave, because they had been much later than they promised. Lisa thanked her for staying and promising a bonus, let her go. Rachel had already been fed so the only thing left was to bathe her and put her to bed.

She found Greg downstairs in the living room staring at the T.V. Not really seeing it. She went straight to the kitchen and warmed up Turkey Divan from the night before, quickly tossed a salad and brought a tray back to the living room. She doubted if either of them really felt like eating, but she thought they should make an attempt.

They had been chewing for about five minutes in silence, when House put down his half empty plate and abruptly launched into more questions.

"So how did the miscarriage happen," he asked? Were you at the dorm? Did you have pain?"

"I was staying with my Aunt Joanna over Thanksgiving break. I had just found out and did not want to face my parents. I knew they would be able to tell something was wrong. I did start to have cramping and then spotting and had to go to the hospital."

"You were staying with your Aunt in Dearborn? The spinster Nurse, who was bitter over not becoming a doctor?"

She nodded" I think she was more attached to me becoming a doctor, than my parents were. She was pretty harsh with me." Cuddy said her voice becoming hoarse with suppressed tears.

"You mean you had just lost a baby and she took you home and lectured you about getting pregnant."

"Yes," Cuddy, swallowed. She really made me feel like an idiot. She left skid marks on my back. I felt like road kill by the time she finished telling me I should have waited until I was on the pill, and I shouldn't let some horny med student take control of such matters. It was my responsibility to protect myself. She said I had made a choice about what I wanted to be, I had already given up so much to even get to where I was and I had another 6-8 years of study to go. If I couldn't keep my focus, I was never going to make it."

"And you bought into the evil swill. From a woman who had neither a successful marriage or a successful career to recommend her."

"Most of it. It had some truth to it, that's why it made sense to me, but I still wanted to talk to you. I wanted to continue what we started, I just wanted to be more careful, but when I got to your room and found Kristen so comfortable there, like she had been living there all semester, her clothes in the closet with yours... every thing my aunt said about you just wanting a fresh young girl, and that you probably just thought of it as roll in the hay, came back to me and when I looked back at that weekend it seemed so perfect that it seemed out of character for you. You were actually sweet to me and I began to believe the things she had said, and think maybe it had just been your way to get into my pants."

"Oh Cuddy, he said, you never wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt, not even then." he said, sadly, subsiding in silence, a pensive look on his face.

"So, was I wrong?" Cuddy challenged. She felt a wall coming up between them again and she didn't know how to get over it, she realized as badly as she was hurt reliving it, House had been dealt fresh hurts that he was just adjusting to. She threw her arms around his shoulders and began to kiss his neck. I wish I had believed in you more. I am so sorry Greg. I'm sorry about the baby too."

He looked at her wanting to ask her a question, but he did not have the right to ask it and he didn't even know if she would or could give him an honest answer. Cuddy became aware of his scrutiny. It was unbelievable to him that he and Cuddy had created a life. That they could have had a child almost as old as some of the students at PPTH.

"You want to know if I would have gotten an abortion?" she asked divining his thoughts with surprising accuracy.

"I really don't know House, It's what I always thought I'd do intellectually, but when it came to it I was having doubts. I even thought about having it and giving it up for adoption. I got all the information about options but was really shying away from the idea of abortion, but I couldn't see myself finishing undergrad, less known medical school with a child. I thought about calling you, but it seemed such a disconnected way to tell someone such news and I thought you'd be back in time for me to tell you before I made a decision. I wonder if we had been in touch the way college kids are in touch now with emails and texting and cell phones, would we have gotten off track?"

"If you had still been pregnant would you have told me and let me share in the decision, or would you have still shut down and run away when you saw, Kristen."

"I don't know House, I really don't. Seeing Kristen in your room after what my aunt said, threw me into a spin. I think it may have been worse if I had still been pregnant. Kristen was a couple years older and treated me like a child. I felt that if I had been as sophisticated as the women you had been dating, like her, I would have been on the pill and there wouldn't have been a problem. I felt like a stupid little girl who had been too young to be playing in the adult world and I had brought this on both of us."

"You and your guilt Cuddy. It is too much of a burden, it is not a noble thing, it gets in the way."

"Look, like I said in Joseph's office, I was handling the birth control and that last time I used a slightly older condom from my glove compartment. It wasn't expired and I checked it out, but it might have had a hole, so if there was anyone at fault it was me. I also, rushed you just because I had held back for so long. If I wasn't such a selfish pig, I would have given you more time. So we both can play the guilt game, but I am no good at it and have no patience for it." he said his hands running through her hair, a tender smile on his face.

They made love there on the sofa, a gentle sweet healing passion that sent them immediately to sleep before they could even make it to the bedroom.

House was awakened an hour later, by Rachel's cries. Cuddy was still out after the emotional upheaval and the lovemaking had acted as barbiturate for her. He shifted her gently adjusted the throw back over her and went to the nursery to check on Rachel.

"What's that matter Rach?" he said quietly as he entered the nursery turning on the light. She had immediately quieted when she heard his steps and she was standing up in the baby bed, her finger in her mouth looking at him with wide blue eyes. She took wet fingers from her mouth and pointed at him.

"Daaaaac," she crooned smiling. He came to her accepting her drool wet hands all over his chin. For the first time looking at her actually hurt him. What would a child with Cuddy have looked like, what would it have been like?" Rachel patted his face cooing to him in concern, already forgetting her own. He looked sad. He was not playing or teasing as he usually did during their secret time. As he picked her up she snuggled her head on his shoulder giving and seeking comfort as he checked for all the usual problems. She was dry, she wasn't feverish. She might be teething again, but she didn't seem overly preoccupied with her mouth. He sat down in the rocking chair with her, actually admitting that he enjoyed this soft bright little girl who looked at him with unconditional love shining from her eyes. She had wrapped her little fingers around his heart and filled in a little of the hole he had there. He was suddenly glad this little girl was in his life and her mother, definitely her mother. He made a note to talk to John Hunt head of Obstetrics and Gynecology at PPTH, he had a great rep in fertility he would just pretend it was for a patient. Cuddy had not wanted to use anyone at the hospital and she had gone to a good center but he thought Cuddy had not taken advantage of all her options, and as sweet as Rachel was she was growing up very fast. Cuddy might want to try for another baby sooner rather than later, she still had time to try again. Also, he needed to get a copy of her medical records, he could always ask, but why? She had expected him to steal them and he would hate to disappoint her.


	18. Chapter 18

** Chapter 18**

Cuddy came back in from her early Saturday run and saw House with Rachel in the living room. She paused for a moment leaning against the door jam, just watching the two fondly. House, true to form reverted to childhood on Saturdays and she could almost imagine him at nine or ten in front of the TV looking at Scooby Doo, eating cereal and probably shouting at Shaggy that he was a moron. The Saturday morning cartoons were so loud that they hadn't heard her come in. House was eating a bowl of cereal and still in his plaid pajama bottoms and Rolling Stones T-shirt. Rachel was in her bouncy walker, and though she had been fed before Cuddy left, she was cheerfully helping House with his cereal. He had put a handful of cheerios in the tray of her bouncy walker, but bored with that, Rachel was occasionally dipping her hand into House's bowl to retrieve a Franken Berry cluster. House was playfully chasing her hand around with a spoon, and growling, but occasionally he would let her have one. Rachel thought this game was hilarious and was laughing harder than Cuddy had ever heard her. God he was so cute with her it made her heart ache, and he didn't even pretend to hide it that much anymore.

"House, there's enough sugar in those things to send her system into overdrive." Cuddy said in a mock forbidding tone.

" Send her system into overdrive? Is that new age Endocrinologist speak," he teased.

Cuddy had noticed that House liked Saturday morning cartoons, mostly the old ones from when they were kids, like Bugs Bunny, Scooby Do, and the Flintstones, but the weird thing she began to notice, is that he always turned before the end of the Flintstones, even if he turned back to the same channel for the next cartoon. To the casual observer it would look like he was using end credit and station break time to do some quick channel surfing, but she noticed he didn't do it at the end of any other cartoon. She wondered ironically if his powers of observation were rubbing off on her. It was then that she decided impulsively to ask him about it.

"Is there something you don't like about the closing of The Flintstones?"

He looked at her in surprise, but shrugged his shoulders and tried to ignore her.

"House we are supposed to be trying to communicate better."

"So, are you going to tell the big, bad, shrink that I didn't do my home work." he mocked, but then relented. "I just never liked the end. There's something about a lot of cartoons that grate, it's just that there's enough fun to make up for the irritation. "Just like some people." he said in a pointed aside eyeing her breasts meaningfully.

Cuddy ignored his jibe, trying to visualize the ending. She remembered that Fred and family arrive home and he puts milk out for the cat then puts the cat outside, then closes the door. The cat gets back in the house and picks up Fred and puts Fred outside locking him out. It ends with Fred yelling for Wilma banging on the door to get in.

"What about that upsets you?" Cuddy insisted.

"I'm not upset." he said in a high falsetto voice "What makes you think I'm upset? Maybe I just don't like cats who throw their owners out of the House. I must admit Death Cat was fun for a moment, but if you wanted a pet, a kid was definitely the better way to go." House said focusing on Rachel who was looking at their interaction with curiosity.

"Your mommy is now trying to become an amateur shrink," he told her and turned back to see a similar look of curiosity on Cuddy's face. "I don't think that's too good for either one of us, kid."

"I know you had problems with your Dad," Cuddy hazarded carefully, as she ignored his remark about Rachel, knowing he was trying to provoke her to abandon her questions. And House's blink and head turn, confirmed some of her suspicions. She knew House's father had been a hardcore drill sergeant type Marine. She was sure he had been quite the disciplinarian, which could explain why House reacted so badly to authority. Since his father's funeral and his insistence on not going she was beginning to suspect it had been a lot more serious than even strict discipline. House could see the wheels turning in her head, and caved, deciding to throw her a bone. It was like the old saw of someone taking their clothes off and leaving pieces to distract a predatory animal and as the animal stopped to paw each peace the hunted was able to gain ground or find a place to hide. House could hide in his head, he was good at it, nobody could get in unless he was ready, and he was not ready, not for this. Not on a bright Saturday morning with cartoons and flannel pjs and a little girl with trusting eyes, which he hoped would never see the twisted underbelly of parent-child interaction. That is why he had not wanted to commit to Cuddy until he knew he could at least offer a child no cruelty, if nothing else. Do no harm.

"You're right," he said. "My Dad did lock me out sometimes when I missed curfew, or was slow doing chores. And no I don't particularly want to talk about it." And he turned his head back to the cartoons. And he wouldn't say more, Cuddy had begun to realize why he had had such a hard time going to the man's funeral, but she did not regret sending him. He had needed that funeral, and it had gotten him and Wilson back on the road to regaining their friendship.

"Does Josephs know about your Dad?" she asked quietly.

"Damn, Cuddy, I go to Josephs' once a week and a 12 step group once a week, can I please have one day without somebody poking around in my head," Only the first words, had been snapped but Cuddy flinched as if somebody had flicked her with the edge of whip. He immediately looked at her and apology was in his gesture and his eyes but seemed to have stilled on his lips.

"Are you going to be okay to watch Rachel a little longer while I take a shower," she asked him carefully.

"Ouch, he said, I know I'm certifiable, but..."

"That's not what I meant, House," she protested.

"I'll watch her," he said quietly.

Cuddy put Rachel in the play pen, and gave one last glance towards House as she left the room. He looked pensively toward the television, but she had a feeling he was not really seeing it.

While she was in the shower she felt tears come to her eyes but was quickly lost in the shower spray. At first she just felt a little sorry for herself; her feelings hurt at being shut out. Then she felt sorry for him. She wondered how long it would be before he could really talk about the things that really bothered him, and realized it might be never. Was that something she could live with in the long-term? She had known that House was closed emotionally, but hoped that Mayfield had helped him and it had, somewhat, but after remembering what he had been like in college, she felt a pining for the young man who could still occasionally be joyful. She knew though, House had never been extremely open or happy and that over the years with other injuries piled atop of the childhood hurts, he had become more bitter and closed and the actual physical pain had a large part to play in that as well.

As the therapist had said things in your past did come back to haunt you, but House was determined to keep her locked out of his. Was she feeling vulnerable because she had just told him something from her past. Did she feel a need for some kind of quid pro quo? I tell you my secret therefore you have to tell me yours. No she didn't think that was it, besides her secret had involved him and she felt a weight off her that she had not even known was there. She had carried the secret of the first miscarriage so deep, she had probably almost hid it from herself.

She just wanted to know what was bothering him and it still stung that he had told her so little about Mayfield and his experience there. She had heard a little from Wilson, but had been sort of resentful and not wanted to hear it second hand. She wanted to wait until House told her, she knew what went on in such places, she could imagine it, but she would never know how he experienced it until he told her. She had also found out during the therapy session, that it was partially House's decision for her not to visit Mayfield. They take a read on the patients desire in matters of visitation, so after the first month if House had wanted to see her he could have. This had really hurt her and even though she accepted that he had been made vulnerable by the delusion, she felt it was another way he had chosen to keep distance from her. Maybe she was wanting too much from him too soon, she thought with a sigh. It was what Wilson was afraid of, her being too demanding. It was as House had said to her once, she wanted things just right and since things would never be just right she would always be miserable.

As much as he complained about psycho babble he certainly did his share of analyzing her. But she did need to work on patience and being grateful for the tremendous steps House had made. The mere fact that they were trying this at all and really so far succeeding about as well as most, spoke volumes against their years of hesitation and self imposed angsty solitude. She did think though that this wouldn't have worked before, House had to change just a little and maybe she had had to change too. She left the bathroom and changed into dark jeans and an oversized heather gray sweat shirt. Her mood had lightened tremendously as she went back out to see Rachel standing on her tiptoes calling something to House ,so loudly, and insistently smacking her play pen rail, demanding his attention. Cuddy wondered how he could even focus on the TV.

"House if you would respond to her, she would calm down. I don't know how you can even focus."

"Perhaps because, I've had plenty of practice over the last twenty years with you. It's not nature, so it must be nurture. She's even starting to sound like you. I've gotta invest in a pair of those noise reduction head phones" he said with a mocking smile as he began to hum Prince's song "Dove's cry. "Just like her mother, she's never satisfied" are the only words that wore audible, and Cuddy, gave him a surprised look when she realized how closely the words followed on her own thoughts. She went over towards Rachel and the little girl held both arms up to Cuddy balancing perfectly as she momentarily let go of the sides of the play pen to seek release.

"Cuddy, she stands pretty well, has she taken a step yet?" House asked, knowing Cuddy would not be able to resist talking to him about Rachel even if she was a little upset with him.

"Yes, just one or two, I caught it on the Cam, she said excitedly turning towards him.

"You want to try now. I think she's ready to go."

"Let's get you out of jail." he said wickedly. And Rachel held her hands up with glee before even approached the play pen. This was a ritual. Suddenly the mystery was solved as to how Rachel ended up crawling around on the floor, when she had left her in the playpen or in a bouncy walker. House had been freeing her from restrictions every time Cuddy's back was turned. He took Rachel from the play pen and stood her up, while Cuddy moved a few steps away as Rachel looked at her mother with wide wondering eyes to be standing up on her own with this different viewpoint on the world. She was a very curious baby, and even though she was distracted, by wooden table and chair legs and even the floral design in the carpet, she turned back to focus on her Mother's face as it filled with excited expectation.

"Come here Rachel, walk to Mommy, you can do it," Cuddy encouraged as Rachel took one step then two, and fell on her bottom and giggled. Ah, baby it's okay. Cuddy said sweeping her up, maybe you are not ready yet."

"Let her try again Cuddy. I think she can make it, she just got off balance."

Rachel took one step then two,three then she was in her Mommy's arms, as Cuddy picked her up and swung her high in the air.

"You did it sweet pea," she squealed, excitedly kissing the infant's face. "Aren't you just the fastest, smartest, cutest little girl in world," Cuddy cooed delightedly.

"Let her do it again, before she forgets." insisted House. Cuddy put her back on the floor and steadied her while House just held out his long arms.

"You're standing too far away," Cuddy insisted."

"Don't coddle her, Cuddy; she needs to go a little further each time. I'll try not to let her fall, but even if she does that's okay. It's a life skill." he insisted laconically.

Cuddy steadied Rachel and let her step gingerly away from her steadying hand. She was halfway there when started to wobble and Cuddy moved toward her panicked, but she did not fall and when she reached House's hands she used his long arms like parallel bars to keep walking, her tiny hard white shoes lifting high but with increased confidence. Then she didn't want to stop and finally growing over confident and perhaps a little tired she toppled coming down hard, and startled she began to cry.

"Are you okay sweetie, Cuddy said desperately, checking the child for any scrapes.

"She's okay," Cuddy. This is a pretty thick carpet and neither of us is going to allow her to be hurt if we can possibly prevent it," he said. "Perhaps I should call her "Lucky", he said eyeing the little girl, and this time it was not with jealousy, but with envy.

Cuddy suddenly knew without him telling her that House had been hurt very badly when he was a child, and somehow she knew it was not just physical, the worst of it had been verbal and mental. It explained a lot. She wondered if he had even touched on this in therapy. Joseph's seemed pretty good, but House was skilled at keeping people out of his head. He probably started to learn this when he was not much older than Rachel.

Cuddy took the little girl over to him just to see the way he now allowed her to climb on him. He may still be able to keep them out of his head, but as far as his heart was concerned,they were all over it, marking new territory day by day.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

The rehabilitation section had sent her a short list of applicants for several positions and she looked down the list and saw they were looking for a part time art therapy director and had three final candidates. She looked in the folder at the resumes. She did not usually oversee hires in all departments so closely. But the rehab wing was still fairly new, having been reinvented to include physical rehabilitation as well as drug rehabilitation.

These were newly created positions. She looked curiously at one of the resumes, the name Mayfield looming out at her. This woman Janet Braeden, had worked a Mayfield, infact was currently employed there. It would seem a much heftier position than the part time one at PPTH. Curious, she thought tapping her finger to her chin. She noticed on the application that she had requested her current employer not to be contacted for a reference. Nothing inherently bad in that. Some people preferred not to reveal a job search to a current employer, but something about the application bothered her. It was too much of a coincidence with House having just returned from there, and if there was music to be had in any form she was sure he participated. She was sure House had been this woman's patient. She tried to quiet her brain from leaping to any conclusions, but she did pick up the phone and dial the head of rehabilitation medicine to be put on panel for the final interviews.

Mertz had not been at PPTH long and even though he was surprised at her involvement, didn't show any quibble. He was a young doctor and still grateful, for the opportunity to set up and head the department which had already gained a reputation. The head administrator still taking an interest after two years could only mean good things. The interviews would take place within a week and their assistants would be in communication to set up a time. He had started to tell her a little more of his inner thoughts, perhaps tonight was the night, he would tell her a little more about Mayfield.

It was only four days to the board meeting to reinstate House as head of Diagnostics. Length of terms on the board were three and six years. There were only two directors left from the Volger debacle and only one of them still carried bitterness from losing the 100 million. Unfortunately he was now chairman of the board Alan Hoffman. Only 2 thirds of the board were allowed to be PPTH doctors and they were usually department heads, The rest were outside business leaders. To reinstate House they needed a two thirds majority which meant they needed eight out of 12 votes. She knew for a fact they had seven and she was pretty sure they had eight but she had less than a week to work on the remaining four. Alan Hoffman could go either way. He was a dark horse that refused to let himself be led or read.

She had just received the research study back on donor trends and it couldn't have been better if she had written it herself. While donors were most impressed with all the outstanding departments, the one that received the most mentions was Diagnostics. Donors were most impressed that PPTH was considered a world class Diagnostics center and patients were sent from other hospitals nationwide and even world wide when doctors could not find the answers. PPTH Diagnostics had such a high success rate in getting those answers and saving those lives, and the name Dr. Gregory House was mentioned like a talisman against evil.

In the clinic the regular run of sniffles, stomach viruses picked up dramatically and everyone who came in was convinced they had H1N1.

"This is ridiculous! Everyone in 50 mile radius with a sniffle or cough is flooding the ER and the clinic today convinced they are on the point of expiring form H1N1. House whined. " The damn fear mongering media, screaming pandemic, has convinced the public this virus is the new Bubonic Plague and if they get it they haven't a prayer."

"I'm sure you know the reason the media is on high alert is because most of the population have no immunity to this strain and it is highly contagious. I've increased the number of cleaning crews in the ER and the clinic and all staff are required to wear masks. That means you too House."

"But they're clogging up the works here and most of them don't need to be here. They're keeping people with potentially more serious problems away because they are afraid they will catch it if they come here."

"I'm glad you pointed that out House. You are absolutely right. And you are the one that will provide the perfect solution."

"What?" he responded giving her a suspicious look." Right," he said on a laugh. Hand me a megaphone and I'll clear the waiting room in a few seconds. The idiots need to go home and take fluids and acetaminophen."

"It is a mild Flu, for most," agreed Cuddy, "but some people will need monitoring and even hospitalization."

"They are just coming to try to get their hands on some Tamiflu or Relenza. You know the only people who should be here are children and infants elderly and compromised immunity."

"Listen House, what I'm actually planning is a flu clinic and triage, we are putting it in the B wing right between the clinic and ER, and no better person to run it than my number one infectious disease guy. She said with an overly chipper, hail fellow, well met way.

"Hell No, Cuddy. What have I done to you to deserve this? Any body can hand out masks, tissues, nasal swabs, flu tests and flu pills for God's sake. One of the students could do it, it's not brain surgery."

"Luckily you are not a brain surgeon, and you'll do it because it's needed and it will earn you brownie points with the Board and I dare say we might even get some media coverage out of it."

"So when did you start to hate me?" he whined.

"This is me, not hating you," she retorted. Tilting her chin up and looking at him in that way that made him want to throw her on the nearest flat surface and take her. "It's the quickest route to getting your job back. Among the donors name recognition is very powerful. On the survey we just did you got a high percentage of votes as to why people donate to this hospital. That report is being discussed before the board on the same day as your reinstatement."

"Okay," he said trying to not show how stirred he had been by her flirtatious look. "each hour in that environment equals the stress of a whole day in the clinic. So the deal is two to one, for every day on Flu duty I get credited two days of clinic. And I get a week off clinic duty when Flu season is over."

"Deal, but once you get approval from the board to get back to Diagnostics, you can give this up, so you need to have a second who will take your place down here. You can ask Cam if she wants it or there is another attending who works closely with her. Dr. Lee. She's pretty sharp too."

"What kind of tests do we have? You know the CDC rRT-PCR Swine Flu Panel assay is preferred. The only test we've been using so far is the Rapid Influenza Diagnostic test(RIDT) which is less sensitive and could generate false positives."

"We do have some of the CDC rRT-PCR Swine Flu Panel assay tests, but not many, they are more expensive so only use them when you need a definitive diagnosis in an at risk patient."

"I know to only use them on high risk patients, except children, they usually put out enough antibodies to do well with the RIDTs and you can get results in 30 minutes, so we'll follow CDC guidelines and treat if they present with flu symptoms even if we get a negative. We've been doing nasal swab for testing but I'm changing to nasopharyngeal swab for anyone over 12, it gives more accurate results. At least with the RIDT we have can distinguish between Influenza A and B not all of them can. Even though we don't really treat differently, it helps with the reports to the CDC."

"Well thank Cameron for that. She researched and helped on the flu diagnostic selections." Cuddy replied.

"Trust our Cam, always thinking about the paperwork. So she'll continue to do that part, right."

"You have to talk to her House, I'm sure she'll agree to keep doing the reporting."

"I'm sure she'll say yes to me," House, retorted wiggling his brows. "Jealous."

"No." she said with a grin finding that she meant it. Cameron had committed to another man and whatever feelings remained for House, she had moved on to the next phase of her life. There was a mild qualm in the back of her mind about this Janice Braeden woman from Mayfield. But she had so many other things on her plate that it slid to the back burner and she would not think of it again until days later.

The Flu triage unit opened the next day. They had set up ten exam rooms, a triage office and there were plenty of testing supplies, swabs and masks on hand. By noon they had tested almost 80 people and there were another 80 waiting. It was totally outrageous and Cuddy actually felt sorry for House, 13 Cameron and the other doctors she had roped in to help. Everyone was beginning to look exhausted. She was having most of the testing done by techs and residents, and the doctors got funneled the unusual or high risk populations.

"Lucky you, your tests have come back positive." House said removing his gloves after getting the results from the lab for a 35 year-old mother of two. Your children however so far do not have it. I recommend you get your husband to take off and care for them. You should have limited contact with them for at least three more days. If you take this pink slip to the nurses station they will fix you up with prescriptions for Tamiflu. Please follow directions, more is not better."

Meanwhile in the next cube Cameron was having a similar conversation with a young male PPTH student.

"The good news is you get a week of school off. The bad news is you'll be quarantined in Jefferson dorm and you'll be expected to make up all your work. Your professors will be notified and won't let you back into class until you have a doctor's slip."

"You're going to be fine" insisted Cameron, who had come to spend a few hours in the Flu clinic.

"So I have it." said a 75 year-old woman. I'm goanna die!" said a little old woman in the next exam room staring in panic at 13.

"It's treatable and so far you seem fine. Most people can weather this at home, but because you are diabetic and you have other risk factors, I'm going to admit you for a couple days observation. You've already had it for a few days so you are probably already halfway through it already. We'll let you stay here in the exam room until they have a bed for you. Is there anyone you need to call?"

House entered the exam room and looked at the patient there. She was young,mid to late teens and was still wearing the mask they had given her in the lobby. She was well, manicured with dark brown salon sleek hair, and minimal make up. She looked like a prep school kid, in her Abercrombie and Fitch red sweat shirt and skinny jeans.

"Fever, congestion, nausea, Does that mean I have it? I went to the health center at school and they tested me and said I didn't."

"Does your throat hurt? "

"It's nothing. It's just a little scratchy, and I barely have a fever." the girl said.

"You seem as if you are having any problems breathing?" House asked.

"A little, it's probably my asthma. I haven't had problems since elementary school, but this is kind of stressful. Especially when I went to the health unit and they told me it was nothing."

"Health Unit where? What school?" House listened to her lungs not liking the sound of her breathing.

"Appleman Academy"

"Idiots! Where are your parents?"

"My Dad works here, but he's not a doctor, he's on the board. Is Dr. Cuddy..." she interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by Cuddy poking her head in.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Cuddy. You must be Alana Hoffman, your Dad told me you were coming. He asked me to check on you. He should be here shortly." Cuddy put a calming hand on the girl's shoulder trying to calm her.

"Could I speak to you a moment Dr. House," she asked in her ultra professional tone.

Once out in the hallway she grabbed his arm. "This is important House. If you ace this, reinstatement will be a cake walk, screw it up, and you might end up having to get a job doing animal testing for a cosmetic company."

"That is really confidence inspiring, he retorted. "I'm sure if we were a high wire act you'd be whispering in my ear. Look down, but don't fall."

"We are a high wire act, Greg House and I tell you to look down because I know aids in your calculation of the odds."

"As long as neither of us has blood ties to the Flying Wallendas, I can live with that." he retorted.

"Cuddy, it's the Flu, what's to screw up?" he said as the nurse wheeled past with requested equipment and started to hook the girl up to monitors.

"House she's already had the these symptoms for a few days, she went to the health center at her campus and got a negative test result and they didn't even give any scripts, so she's been battling this on her own."

"Hmmn, not good, she does seem to be having a lot of congestion and a little trouble breathing. I've already ordered a chest X-ray and blood work CBC ,CHEM20,Tox screen. I'm having the nurse hook up some monitors and Oxygen. Her O2 sats are low. I'm going to use one of your expensive tests on her, since RIDT already gave a negative."

"In some people it can be devasting to their lungs, House, here look at her chart, she does have a history of childhood asthma, but she hasn't been on steroids recently. Perhaps you should ask her, people hang on to old inhalers for years she could still be using it especially as she's been congested."

"Steroids, that could have blunted her immune response and created a false negative."

"Doctor, came the yell from the girl's room she's crashing. Then the alarms went off and House and Cuddy ran in to the girl's room.

They ended up having to intubate and even though they had got heart restarted, the girl was in a coma. House had commandeered 13 and after making a copy of her chart, she was off to deliver it to Diagnostics. House said he would be down in a moment and turned to look at Cuddy who looked panic stricken as she got off the phone.

"Alex Hoffman, the chairman of the board is here and I have to tell him his daughter came in with a runny nose and is now in a coma and can't breathe on her own."

"I'll stay with you," House offered.

"No, it's okay, I got this," she said squeezing his hand to show her appreciation for him wanting to stand by her and take the man's wrath. His uncharacteristic gestures still could take her by surprise. She didn't tell him she did not want the board chair to associate him with this bad news. She fully believed that House was this girl's last best hope.

"I think we just fell off the high wire" he said. I'll be in the conference room doing a DDX on her. Don't look at me like that, most of the Wallendas didn't die, at least not first time they fell."


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

House was at the white board running down the DDX. Alan Hoffman had actually requested that he handle the case. He wrote down the list of symptoms on the board looking around at an algamam of old team and new team which included everyone except Taub who had been sent to run tests.

Hoffman

Dyspnea

Chest tightness

Sore Throat

Headache

Cough

Fever

Chills

Body aches

Fatigue

Congestion

Runny Nose

History of Childhood Asthma

"Okay we haven't gotten the second flu test back yet, but it looks like flu smells like flu, so I'm going with Flu. Besides I suspect she been taking steroids so that's why her tests are coming back negative. Taub should be coming back with any results of the latest tests, which include the flu test, Tox screen, and pregnancy test."

"Pregnancy Tests?" questioned Chase.

"Oh, Cameron, can you enlighten your husband on at risk populations for this disease. Unbelievable, " House continued rolling his eyes. "You are dealing with this every day and your significant other knows nothing. Don't tell me you two have better things to talk about when you get home? Though you might have better things to do, now that you're banned from the hospital linen closets and sleep labs."

Cam gave House an exasperated glare and enumerated, counting off on her hands. "Those who are pregnant or have high risk medical conditions including asthma, diabetes, suppressed immune systems, heart disease, and kidney disease also children under five and seniors over the age of sixty-five." she completed.

"But if you are sure she has swine flu, why are we doing a DDX? Why aren't we treating with antivirals?" asked Foreman.

"Because she's the chairman of the board's daughter and House wants his job back," interjected Chase cynically.

"No, because she is in a coma and on respirator, and because I want my job back. Not the usual course of swine flu."

"Not unheard of either," Chase countered.

"My God so he does know something." interjected House with another eye roll.

"So I'm, supposed to help you solve a case so you can look like a superhero and get voted back in here? Why should I shoot myself in the foot?" Foreman asked.

"You are free to sit out the case Foreman, but if I solve the case without you. You'll permanently be sitting out. Or you could help; consider it a competition if you like, and if you come up with the answer. You'll get the credit."

"Okay, deal." said Foreman.

"Foreman, I don't know if you've discussed this with Cuddy, but if I don't come back to head this, there's no guarantee, you'll get it. This department was created for me and my reputation, so whether Cuddy would continue it without me remains to be seen. So consider that before you cut off your nose."

"I'll take my chances." said Foreman.

"You may want to but I doubt if Taub and 13 feel the same way." House shot back.

"Okay House, you've made your point, can we get back to the DDX?"

"Oh wait, that's right, 13's tried her chances under your lead and they were slim to none."

"Can we drop that", 13 insisted. flipping through the chart. "So we know she has a history of asthma, but she seems to have done well without asthma meds for the last six years. Is it possible she has any other of these risk conditions?"

"It is possible when she started getting congested and having trouble breathing she thought it was the asthma, and found an old inhaler." House countered.

"I think we need to do a home inspection, no actually she was a live in at her prep school so we need to inspect there, right?" reaffirmed 13.

"I'm glad you're up for it 13, you and Taub can go, after he gets back with the tests, because he's the only one that won't loose their mind if they see you in a schoolgirls outfit. I take that back, he might loose his mind, but he won't do anything about it. He won't want to repeat confession time with wifey for another five years at least."

At the that moment Taub walked back into the room. "Test PRCT positive for Swine Flu, , pregnancy test is negative and the Tox screen won't be ready for another 24 hours," he read off adding the two sheets of paper to her file." And I didn't see this any where in her chart she has a rash."

"What kind of rash?" House asked abruptly getting up to write on the white board.

"H1N1 can cause a rash." Volunteered 13.

"But mostly in young children." Cameron supplied.

"Her roommate is here, she claims the girl thought it was an insect bite probably a spider. It's on her back," added Taub.

"Wonder if it was a Tick bite? Could she have Lyme disease and HlN1? Lyme disease symptoms are very similar to the flu. The Lyme disease weakened her immune system so now the H1N1 is running rampant" Foreman suggested.

"Is it a bull's eye rash, Taub?"

"Yes, it does look like a bull's eye rash. What kind of rash comes with H1N1?"

"Not a bull's eye." Cameron insisted.

"I think your idea is good Foreman a I think she does have a combination of two things.

"Occam's razor all over again?" said Chase.

"Occam's' who?" asked Taub and 13 in unison as the rest of the department traded knowing glances of remembrance.

"It was case we had back shortly after I started here must have been about five years ago the patient ended up having two diseases, that covered all the symptoms," said Foreman.

"Okay run a test for Lyme disease, but it may show up negative because of the steroids, so be prepared to run a direct antibodies test. Also run a test for pneumoccous staph, there's often a bacterial pneumonia that comes as a secondary of H1N1."

"H1N1 flu virus replicated more extensively in the respiratory tract, going to the lungs, whereas the seasonal flu stays predominately in the nasal cavity. The tests on animals also found that the new virus, unlike the seasonal one, often goes into the intestinal tract." said Cameron.

"Those tests were done on ferrets. She doesn't look like a ferret, but okay, I'll buy your theory. Why don't you go talk to the roommate and see what else you can find out we need to know if she was using an inhaler or taking oral steroids. I guess you should talk to the parents too," said House glancing at Cam. "I'm sure you'll handle Alan Hoffman with all the finesse that Cuddy would appreciate. Habits, activities, sex drugs you know the drill and make sure the convo with room mate is not in the same room with the Dad."

Once he had assigned everyone to a task he set at the computer surfing the medical journals and CDC and public health updates on Swine Flu. He knew there had been fear of developments of new strains, and a more virulent strain had popped up in the mid west, but with air travel it could be any where in a couple hours. After 15 minutes, he ran his hand through his hair and started tossing his ball. If it was two things, the second could be Lyme but he doubtful. It was more like likely an opportunistic bacterium of some kind. Even the rash didn't convince him otherwise. He put the ball down on the desk and got abruptly and walked toward the elevator.

He was going to see the patient, for some reason he wanted to see the rash with his own eyes. It was unusual for him, but he couldn't fight the knowledge, that not even a picture could substitute for his own eyes examining the rash. When House looked at the rash, he noted red bumps and it was bulls' eye but it was just not one target, there were two. Another had appeared lower on her back and appeared to be eating into her skin. He talked to the nurse, and then left in frustration. It definitely wasn't an insect bite the second rash looked just like the first and she hadn't had it when she came in. When Cameron called with the negative results of the Lyme disease test, he told her to cancel a direct antibodies test; he just didn't feel they would need it.

Then he went to see Cuddy. There was no particular reason to see her. He did not have an actual reason, he just wanted to see her and now he no longer had to even make up an exotic test. She would see through his motives so easily now. When he walked into her office Cuddy seemed to have her own problems. She had just put down the phone and was frowning over a slip of paper.

"What is it House? How's Hoffman's daughter? Any change?"

"We just started her on antivirals a few hours ago, her fever is improving, but she is still in the coma. She has a rash. Taub thought insect bite, Tick, Lyme."

"But you don't think that," she prompted.

"I was willing to go for the ride, but I just shot down a direct antibodies test."

"Why direct antibody, oh the steroids, she tested positive?"

"No, actually Tox screen is not back yet, but the roommate said she used an inhaler."

"Not enough to cause problems from just an inhaler, surely.

"Enough of my problems, what about yours?" He asked nodding to the paper as he sat down in front of her.

Cuddy looked at him and smiled in appreciation and fondness knowing he was making an effort to show his concern for her, it had always been there, but covered with brusqueness and jibes, now he often voiced it straight out with a wry twist to his lips. lIt was as if he was performing a much dreaded homework assignment which had brought unexpected pleasure.

"Ah, the staff Swine Flu vaccines are delayed to the end of the week." She replied with an exasperated sigh.

"As the lead Doctor over Swine Flu treatment clinic he knew this was a concern because the folks working in the clinic were on the front line and masks and gloves were not enough. "They've guaranteed by the end of the week though," he probed."

"Yes, she replied in a lethal hiss which made him sorry for poor sap that was at the other end of that phone call..."

"What else?" He prompted still seeing the wrinkle between her brows.

"There's a staph infection out break in Peds." She continued biting her bottom lip in worry.

"Not in NICU," he countered in alarm, remembering the last time when they had lost three babies before the tide was stemmed, and Cuddy had been driven to distraction trying to figure out the source.

"Thank God for small mercies, no, not in NICU. Peds is bad enough, and the worst thing is this time it's resistant. It's…

"MRSA," House finished her sentence staring into space.

Cuddy recognized the epiphany moment, but for the first time she was right there with him. Her expression instead of being celebratory and delighted was horrified and filled with fear. Alana Hoffman had H1N1 and MRSA.

"Oh dear God, House, several healthcare workers have died with that combination. Can we save her?"

Cuddy was talking to an empty chair and she knew he would try his best and if it had been done anywhere he could replicate it and if it hadn't he was this girl's best chance.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

House was back in his office palming the gray red ball. The girl had pneumonia from the resistant staph and she was not doing well. They has started her on Vancomycin and so far the reduced fever had been the only positive sign of recovery and that had been from the antiviral. He was actually surprised that the antiviral had begun to work at all, because he had begun to think she had been fighting this for more than 48 hours and the antivirals were not going to do any good, but perhaps the original runny nose had been caused by the MRSA (Methlin Resistant Staff Aureus). He looked into the conference room where and unprecedented five of his former fellows were gathered. He rose wearily and went to join then throwing the file on table. If the girl continues like this she is going to die within the next 48 hours.

"We've done all we can for her. We've diagnosed her what else are we supposed to do?" said Forman.

"Oh I don't know? Perhaps not send her back to her parents in a body bag?" House retorted looking at Forman.

"What did they teach you at the facility, House? One thing I always admired about you is your refusal to kiss ss even when it was about saving yours. We know you've always been about the puzzle and not necessarily the cure. The last time I looked at that door it read Diagnostics, not Miracle Cures."

"If this your attempt to be like me. I'm sorry to report, you have failed miserably. It's always been about winning against the disease not just knowing it's name. I guess they had to take the miracle cures sign down when I left. Never fear it'll soon be up again. Just think about when you were in that isolation room. Perhaps that will motivate you since she doesn't have enough energy to jab you with a needle."

As well as the ventilator they had put in a chest tube. Her white cell count was still elevated her blood pressure was low and 13 and Taub had returned with new information from Appleton academy which had since closed it's doors and were having all the students tested. The silly room roommate had had a Flu party in her room after roommate had been hospitalized.

"What the heck, don't tell me they want to get the flu so they can go home, or shut down the school. Have all the idiots tested for MRSA as well. By trying so hard to miss a week of school they just may have lucked up on a recipe to miss the rest of their lives."

Cameron had talked to the parents an roommate and confirmed she was a champion tennis player who was competing at the national level despite her history of asthma. So since she was an athlete she could have picked up the infection in a gym or any of the various places she had competed. In the end up it turned out to be the school. CA-MRSA may be treated with Vancomycin or other antibiotics that have proved effective against particular strains. Although Vancomycin saves lives, it becomes less effective over time.

Alana had contracted a secondary bacterial infection, which had led to pneumonia. Hoffman wanted to immediately jump to the conclusion that the hospital was to blame, that the MRSA came from the infection in the PEDS ward. He was controlled, but he turned an icy look toward Cuddy and asked what was she doing to eliminate the staph in fection in the hospital. Remembering how guilt ridden and obsessive Cuddy could be about this kind of thing, House quickly disabused him, jumping in to say, that his daughters infection was a different strain from what was in the Hospital .The strain in the Pediatric unit is VRSA, Vancomycin Resistant Staph Aurious. Your daughter's infection was picked up in the community, perhaps at that expensive prep school you send her to that can pay for a hack that should have retired years ago to come in and run tests instead of sending them straight to a hospital in the first place. She probably picked it up at the school or at a gym. I understand she's champion tennis player. If she had the variety that we have here, the Vancomycin wouldn't do anything to it.

"As far as I'm concerned It's not doing much. You need to fix this," he insisted eyeing both of them and suddenly making a desperately abrupt turn for the windows with his fist clinched but hiding wet eyes as he looked toward his wife who was staring into space wringing her hands. Just as House and Cuddy turned away in relief, he added, "We almost lost her when she was born, she was a preemie, born two months early. I know she is a fighter, if you just beat this thing back she can win." And then almost as an afterthought he asked. "Have you closed down the PEDS ward. Sending children there with H1N1 when there's an staph infection out break is a recipe for disaster."

"Already done.", Cuddy answered back vigorously. "We have an environmental bio hazards team disinfecting and everyone who works in PEDS is being tested.

"I didn't want to tell her parents but this kind of complication has been found in nearly 30 percent of people who died between May H1N1." House commented to Cuddy as they walked out of the private waiting room the Hoffman's had occupied since the girls admission. The girl was on a ventilator, and she was heavily sedated to keep her from thrashing around and pulling out the equipment. The strong antibiotics began to work on the infection, at first, but then she took a turn for the worse .

House's beeper went off.

Alana Hoffman had developed a pleural effusion, a collection of fluid between the layers of tissue that line the lungs and chest cavity, and a film of scar tissue on the surface of her lungs, a chest tube was inserted but her outlook was grim. This situation was a rare complication of the flu but so far it seemed like this girl was batting 0 for 4.

"The only treatment left is to go in and scrape and peel the scar tissue off the lungs", House said looking at Chase. "Otherwise, the scarring could harden and prevent the lungs from fully expanding.

"If this girl dies is it going to kill your chances with the board? Surely Hoffman can't get away with dumping you. His daughter came in with a lethal combination of disease," insisted Chase.

"I'm not worried about Hoffman, right now I'm worried about getting Cuddy to approve this procedure."

House entered Cuddy's office and he realized that despite their personal relationship, he still felt that grip of challenge when he faced her desk. It wasn't fear but a feeling of sharpness, an exhilaration that was a combination of sex, risk, battle, and a macho need to show he could get the upper hand whether by manipulation, domination, or intimidation. Even though they were more frequently on the same page now, as if the mixing of their pheromones had some how aligned there minds. This was much more like a play now acted out in the positions and the attitudes they knew by rote from years of enactment. In some ways Cuddy refused him more now, he wasn't sure if it was because she wanted to prove to him that just because he was in her pants, it didn't mean he could control her mind. The other alternative was she still doubted his sanity and was determined to keep a tighter reign over him. He felt it was more important for him to win the actual battle these days, because he was less inclined to go behind her back, the cost for that kind of behavior was way too high on a personal and professional level. Even though it was a form of foreplay, and they enjoyed it, at some point during the play acting the real battle would begin with a clash of steel swords. Their respiration would increase and they would stare at each other in breathless impasse.

"I think we need to go in and scrape the Hoffman girl's lungs, they are scarred, tight and not expanding as they should. She just had a pleural effusion and we've inserted a chest tube."

"That's invasive surgery House. How bad are her lungs? What about the ECMO? Won't that be a less invasive way to help her? The research out of Australia and new Zealand sound good."

House had mentioned ECMO (Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation) to her earlier that day and he could tell she had read the article in the last issue of JAMA. It was a machine that would basically put more oxygen in her blood and boost her immune response.

"Yes, read that. It can't hurt, but I don't think it's going to be quick enough. She needs more lung capacity or she won't last long enough to benefit from ECMO."

"House, other patients are being saved without such invasive techniques. What about that new IV antiviral Peramavir?

"FDA has not approved Peramavir. It's experimental. Only a couple of doctors have gotten special permission to use it on compassionate grounds. Paper work could take days. I think a EUA (Emergency use authorization) is on the table that would allow the government to stockpile the drug and reduce the paperwork but hasn't happened yet. Again too long." He saw her bite her lip in hesitation, he never saw Cuddy hesitate. She looked tired and he was worried about her. She had so much on her shoulders and he knew a lot of it was surrounding him. His voice became suddenly gentle even though it might be a tactically imprudent. "Cuddy you need to forget that this is the daughter of the Board chairman. She's just like any other patient. Your fear not to kill her will be in the end, what ends up killing her."

"Why didn't you just call me a wimp and be done with it," she sighed looking up at him with a weary smile. Okay, House, but Edmonds does the surgery, Chase can assist. I'll go get permission from the Hoffmans."

Chase, assisted on the surgery which was performed by his former boss head of general surgery. David Edmonds. Alana, improved steadily after the invasive surgery.

"She's climbed the hill up out of a debiliting illness before and I'm sure she will do it again.," said Hoffman. He was on the point of shaking House's hand when House's beeper went off. In spite of everything the girl was again in respitory failure and had to be reintubated. Her organs had begun to shut down and there was fear her left foot would have to be amputated.

Cuddy was again there comforting Hoffman and his wife. That's when House pulled her aside and asked about the Peramavir. "Everything we've done has helped with the results of the disease, we are still actively trying to put a halt to thing, right now it's like a runaway train and if we don't stop it this girl is not going to last another 12 hours. We may even have less. I think it's time to call in the big dogs, we need to try the IV antivirals, namely Peramavir. The clinical trials do look good. A couple doctors have gotten approval with excellent results on patients who were minutes away from having limbs amputated and multi organ failure. I think we have a case for compassionate grounds to appeal to the FDA. So far 20 patients approved. Eight survived two died and Pneumonia got better everyday. We only get so many chances at this Cuddy and this girl's luck is running out.

Cuddy nodded. "Get your team started on the paperwork and I'll talk to the Hoffmans. I think he knows someone at the FDA, perhaps he can put some speed on it."

House was with his team at the white board, but instead of listing symptoms he had listed the things they had tried to fight the infection and the options that were left.

"There's only one thing left we can try, for compassionate appeal to the FDA for this drug. It's 4 hours of paperwork and since we barely have that much time, Cameron and 13 could you start it right away. No that's not sexist," he replied seeing thirteen's narrowed eyed resistance. "I know Cam is an ace at that kind of thing and you have been involved since presentation in the ER. Besides in most cases same sex working partners aid in mental focus. That's the whole point of schools like Appleton's, but in this case, it may only be half right." He said turning to give 13 an incredulous look. " Does this mean you can never focus? Just remember Cam is a married woman. We need this paperwork fast accurate and persuasive. Touch bases with Cuddy, she has her hands full with the staph breakout in PEDS, but she may be able to give some shortcuts, or know of some strings that can be pulled at the FDA."

"Have you gotten approval from Cuddy?" 13 asked.

"Stop stalling and get to it. Cuddy has already approved. The only alternative is death. If this girl dies I don't want it to be because we couldn't get FDA approval in time."

"Funny these days, how House seems to obtain approval telepathically, when it's used to take a trip to Cuddy's office. It reminds me of the early days of those two." Taub nodded towards 13 and Foreman. "How they'd arrive here and expect us to buy that they'd done a whole DDX in a two minute meeting in the lobby."

Apparently Hoffman did know someone at the FDA and even tough they had fill out all the paperwork they got the drug in record time. Within 48 hours the girl was out of the woods, breathing on her own and conscious. Triumphantly House went to Cuddy's and crawled in bed beside her giving her the good news about Alana opening her eyes and recognizing her parents.

"That's great Greg," she said sleepily waking up and feeling him freshly showered, but heavy boned and exhausted beside her. She reached around his back rubbing his shoulders in comfort. "We found the staff carrier in Peds, a med student. He's on an antiviral regime and released from rounds until it's gone, so it looks like we've both wrapped up our problems. I envisioned we'd be celebrating now," she said nuzzling her head into the warm space between his head and shoulders.

"Celebrating how?" he said archly, sliding his hand around to her back to pull her closer.

"You know." she said softly as she found his mouth and even through his tiredness a flash of passion seared through him as her delighted hands found him totally bare.

"If you are too tired. I understand. It's been a hard week for both of us. We can celebrate tomorrow," she continued giving an exaggerated yawn and turning her back on him. Suddenly she found herself grabbed and pinned back against the mattress as she felt his body cover hers and all tiredness left her.

"If I am ever that tired. You have my permission to trade me in." he insisted insistently biting her neck and since I'm not adverse to pill popping there will always be help to be had."

"If you need help we will get you some, but I don't think you do." she feeling his sudden tumescent burgeoning against her thigh.

"You're all I need he said softly, slowly moving her lace and cotton nightie up her torso his mouth following it in a rain of kisses.

"Oh, Greg, I've missed you." she said in tight voice that transformed into mindless moaning as he begin to give attention to her breast."

"We've been together every day." He insisted.

"It's the nights I miss." she said softly.

"How many nights?

"Three." she murmured.

"We can make that up if we both play hooky tomorrow. What do you say boss lady?"

"House, stop trying to get favors when I'm under the influence." she groaned.

"Is that a yes? He asked, tickling her so that she dissolved in giggles.

"No," she whisper defiantly

"Okay, if you say yes in the next 15 minutes. I win." He said proceeding to

push her to the edge of her control.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22 **

"Of course he had made short work on getting a yes out of her, but she still refused to concede claiming

that they had never entered into an official bet.

His lips pouted as he called her a welcher. It reminded her of the parking space fiasco. He still attempted

guilt and manipulation, but she had better ways of spotting it and controlling it or so she thought. She kissed

his reluctant pouty lips, her tongue demanding entry. Pretending to reject her he turned his head. Denied his

mouth she began a slow torturous attack on his neck nibbling the arteries and tonguing the hollows. Her

hands were caressing his muscled biceps feeling the hairs there as she slid her now partially bare body

against his in a teasing way where the only thing that touched him was her hands her mouth and the tips of her  
hardened nipples.

His mouth parted on a gasp and never missing an opportunity her quick and nimble tongue

gained access to his mouth. She nipped him punishingly for the denial and immediately soothed it with a

comforting swipe before the undulating member danced between his lips glided over his teeth and began to

imitate the glancing rhythm her body was creating against his.

"You are such a teasing –itch," he groaned.

She climbed on top of him straddling him and just sitting there giving him her knowing smile, as her hands

caressed his torso, knowing that no matter which letter was first or even if he had used no letter it would be

appropriate. She leaned down and began to count down from ten pressing a hot kiss to his body for each

number, he knew what the countdown was for and did not disappoint as she felt him stiffen beneath her.

Moments later she had been toppled to the mattress and he was kissing her breathless. And so it continued

until their satisfaction was complete.

5.00 am the next morning found her creeping out of bed for a shower. Perhaps she could go to go to work

stay for just a few hours and then bring the rest of her work back home. They both really did deserve a day.

She had showered and was sitting on the bed, when he began to stir. His arms reaching out for her blindly. It

was so endearing she climbed back beside him while he nuzzled her neck, but he did not wake up. She

intended on just staying for a moment but had soon she had joined him the blissful sleep that was the result of

fatigue, satiated passion and growing comfort in the emotions each hesitated to identify to the other as love.

Cuddy awoke the later that morning lying flat on her stomach, the sheet twined around her body revealing

more than it concealed. As she became aware of her surroundings the first sensation she felt was of a warm

and syrupy liquid being drizzled on her back. She smelled a faint burned smell of flowers and her mind, as

the dark curls around her shoulders had just put together honey, when she felt the sensation of a warm wet

spatulate tongue lapping her skin following the honey trail. "House", she protested in befuddled amazement

and skinful delight as another sticky trail was drizzled from thigh to shoulder blade and she shuddered as she

knew his tongue would soon follow. She tried to move and couldn't realizing that her legs were pinned to the

bed by his own powerful hips and torso and the immobility combined with the sensations had her writhing

against him in unconscious protest of his mind bending exploitation of her senses. He was genius with

medicine and with anatomy, knowing what nerve endings to glide over and which ones to whip to frenzy with

love bites and nibbles, that had her whimpering in some love language just known to them. There was a call

and response to it as his tongue slid over the bumps in her spine and then chewed on the nerve endings

radiating from it sending spiraling synapses firing to the secret places of her core. The time with lollipops had

given him special skills which he utilized to the fullest. Her moans and her smell increased his patience but at t

the same time deepened his hunger inciting him so he had to work to control himself and keep from moving too

fast. He paid special attention to her derriere, his hunger revealed in his cupping and rhythmic squeeze of the

luscious mound that was the object of his fixation and soon despite his heavy weight, her arching body gave

away her inner needs. Shockingly his hand came down on the tender flesh in a slap that made the rounded

curve rebound in a quivering wave of after shocks that found it's way to her center and then another and by the

third, he had caused the heavy blood pulsing engorgement of her abdomen to do a series of powerful clinches,

releasing her own honeyed wetness without any direct stimulation. She was amazed, but ached for him and for

more direct contact and she immediately received it their animal senses synced his hand snaked under her

finding the source of her longing. While he stroked her to burning fire he pulled her up to kneeling and

continued his oral ministrations. She heard her desperate cries as if they were coming from out side herself

and attempted to turn over and bring him to her. Her success only came when he turned her his mouth taking

the place of his fingers and she was crying his name in abandon wondering why only this man could make her

loose control and allow anything, have no boundaries and want none. She became an aggressive female

animal in heat demanding with her own fierce nips and nails that he make good on his teasing and his

promises and soon they were locked in a fierce almost rough dance the rollicking undulations of their bodies

causing even the bed to give loud groans from the frenetic flexing of its springs. They battled for control

taking turns until it no longer mattered.

The second time Cuddy awakened she was successful at getting through a shower and dressed. House

woke up just as finished putting on her thigh high stockings as was pulling up her short tight navy blue skirt.

House's eyes widened as he reached across to tug her toward him.

"Where are you going?" he objected.

"You can stay home. I'm going to work. There's a board meeting tomorrow."

"Didn't you say if I saved the girl, getting board approval would be a cake walk?"

"Girl Scouts taught me to always be prepared', she retorted saucily.

"Are you prepared for the attention you are going to get in that skankrt?"

"House, are you calling my skirt, skanky," she replied indignantly, even though an amused smile was

playing about her lips. "I've worn this skirt many times, and you never called it skanky before, infact as I

remember it you seemed to particularly admire the line and especially appreciate the pleat in the back."

"Since you gave me the day off I won't be there to appreciate it. So if you are doing use it to drum up more

votes tomorrow, I appreciate the effort, but I'll take my chances."

"Gregory House, I would not trade on my sex to get votes for you," she tried to maintain the tone but she

was giggling as he pulled her on to the bed.

"Tell that to the marines", he said and suddenly topless but already in heals she was pulled into the

covers with the pressure of his body on hers as his legs slid between her stockinged ones, hiking the short skirt

up even higher. Oh my God, she was blinded and covered by a downy comforter and then his hard body was

between her legs and even the dryness of the skirt and the silkiness of the stockings aided in the explosions

happening within them, she felt as if she had been spun in clothes dryer on high heat or one of those blind roller

coasters that sucked you in, shot you through a tube, turned you upside down and spit you out so fast you never knew what hit

you. That's just how she felt as she came up from under the covers panting for air. She felt blindly molested but as she

shakily tried to rise to her feet, he wrapped his arms around her and held her, the sweet sensuality of their

morning spearing her. By the time he let her go she no longer wanted to wear the skirt it was wrinkled but he

insisted she keep it on as it would smooth out.

He laid back on the pillows his hands behind his head and gave her a possessive smile.

"Go strut your stuff, sexy, but every time you click down the halls wiggling your assets ,you'll be thinking

about who has the lien."

She laughed, giving him that flashing eye and chin lift which was a sign of power and submission as she

donned her top, and her jacket.

"Rest up. I'll be home early," she claimed the last word. Then turning on heels that were as ridiculously high as

her skirt was short, she switched her way out of the room knowing he would have far more time on his

hands to relive their hot play than she would.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

"I hereby move to reinstate Dr. Gregory House to chief of Diagnostic Medicine, with full privileges, effective immediately." announced Alan Hoffman from his place at the head of the boardroom table.

"Don't you think we need to discuss this...

"We just did." said Hoffman

"We did present the Donor Research Report and how the Diagnostics team and the Flu Triage team both working together and led by Dr. House narrowly avoided an epidemic of MRSA and H1N1 infecting the student bodies of two prep schools and a college." claimed Cuddy.

"Dr Cuddy, we know you have presented all the favorable information about Dr. House, but I'm talking about a frank discussion of the pluses and the minuses of putting him back in charge heading the Diagnostics on a permanent basis. I have a report of the amount of malpractice suits and legal fees the Hospital has had to pay out in the last three years and it puts a pretty large dint in the amount of donor funds that have been generated," said Edson.

"Frankly Dr. Edson, we discussed this in the past when we decided about the probation. Does anyone else here think we need to review that same material?" Hoffman asked.

"Does anyone else?"

"You need a second, Dr Edson?" You don't have one. The vote is on the table. All in favor? Said Hoffman. Awkward pauses ensue,

"Mr. Hoffman, I'd like to enter a motion that you reccuse yourself. The recent rescue of your daughter, even if it was through trial and error means you can not be impartial."

"Dr. Edson I would venture to say, no one here is impartial about Dr. House, do want to reccuse us all. But in anticipation of just this uncertainty. I sealed my vote and passed it to the secretary for safe keeping the night my daughter was admitted through the ER. Of course I had no way of knowing if House would be able to save my daughter, but I certainly hoped he could and that the was one of the very few people in the country perhaps even the world who could save her. It is not the saving that matters as much as the possibility. How could we robe the community the country or the world of such a gifted human being who will work tirelessly to find an answer and has the nerves of steel to be a ble to play the odds with kind of risky procedures which may in fact be the patients only hope. It is not that I condone Dr. House's methods, but you can't have one without the other. It is his very ability to put his nerves aside and make the risky decision that enables him to save lives. Dr. Cuddy has created a system of checks and balances, that restrains most of his excesses and allows the ones that are needed, I was able to watch this system in close up and while it is not comforting it does work. I would venture to say, that the majority of the those malpractice suits are from patients who are alive not from family members suing for wrongful death. Can you say the same, Dr Edson, he challenged the heart surgeon."

"That's not a fair comparison, but I won't go there, this discussion is not about me it is about Dr. House. You are right about no one here being impartial, but there are at least a few at this table that overly involved with Dr. House in a way that affects them on a personal level. As of a week ago that includes you, Mr. Chairman."

"Mr. Secretary would you please read the envelope. Yes, you can read it, he insisted.

"I Alan Hoffman vote to reinstate Dr. Gregory House as Head of Diagnostics. You have no second Dr. Edson, the motion is on the table all in favor." until one doctor on Hoffman's left raises his hand. All of the rest of the hands in the room quickly go up, except for Edson's and Moore's.

"Opposed?"

The other two hands are raised. It looks like we have a quorum. The motion is passed. Dr. Gregory House has been reinstated.

House and Wilson emerged from the meeting, wiping the sweat from their brow as they shared a triumphant but weak smile as they marched down the hall to House's office to deliver the good news.

They burst into his office saw there was no ducklings in the conference room and went toward his desk. House looked up, from the red and gray ball he had palmed in his hand. He looked up and new instantly. Freezing as they came through his door smiling and shining as if they had just come through battle together, but a second, he envied his friend, his ability to share with her on that playing field.

"I'm In, "it was a statement not a question as he met there eyes in turn. Then their eyes met and he was standing giving Wilson a clap on the back which was at once a grateful acknowledgement and a not so subtle dismissal. Then he turned to look at her, "Why the glow of sweat on your lip, you actually are acting like you had to do some hard work when you predicted yourself it would be a cake walk or did you have to use your Girl Scout skills?"

"There were a few reversals in there, no it wasn't a cake walk, far from it. Edson tried to get third of the board thrown out for impartiality, including Hoffman.

House laughed. Talking about overplaying his hand. He shot him himself in the foot., but he has always been overreaching.

"You on the other hand are not sweating at all," she threw at him indignantly wanting more of a reaction."

"Why should I be worried, I knew you were in there, and had my back. Did you worry when I took the Hoffman case?"

"Yes, she said honestly laughing with him.

"Oh ye of little faith." I have more in you than you have in me apparently.

"House you know that's not true. I knew if anyone could save Alana it would be you, but I thought at moments, maybe it was too late for her when she walked through the door, she had a bad combination."

"Well you just ruined that analogy, but you get my drift. That board room is like my whiteboard, it's your puzzle and you will solve it come what may. Just like you worked the Volger situation, just when I though you were letting Wilson and I go down the drain you redeemed us just by the power of your argument, you made a bunch greedy department heads, that had already put in orders for the slickest equipment and larger staff, give up 100 million dollars.

"What do I have to fear with you on my side he said cupping the side of her neck, nothing, nothing at all, not joblessness, nor jail nor homelessness.

Even as she allowed herself to be folded in their brief celebratory embrace, she wondered" What about his sanity, did he still fear for that? She wondered, he had not allowed her to be by his side in this the most important fight of all.

It was later that day that this conversation came back to her when she was going through her upcoming appointments and saw a interview panel for the rehab wing.

House did you know a Janice Braden, the music therapist at Mayfield "Cuddy asked him directly. Sure I knew her. Why?" House asked back too directly and too casually. It wasn't his way, and something moved uncomfortably within her. She wasn't sure why but something was suspicious in how he was acting.

"She has applied for a job here." Cuddy replied honestly. Looking closely at his face which had suddenly become shuttered.

"Really", and this time he couldn't quite hide his surprise." What job?" he asked.

Art therapist for rehabilitation department? She replied.

"What was your therapy experience like there?" she asked?"

"Am I being asked by the Dean or by my bedmate?'

"Will the answer be that different?" She asked her voice becoming tense. "Let's say both." She said staring him directly in the eyes.

"Okay, She is good at what she does, he said simply, that's my professional opinion.

"Personally. I was in a bad place when I went to Mayfield, You know that. Well music for me has always been a way out."

"I know that House. So she provided music for you, and there was a double meaning in her words that he clearly recognized."

"Do you want to discuss this now?" You're the one that wants separation between business and personal, maybe we can continue this conversation at home."

"So this is personal to you." she demanded, your relationship with this woman."

"Whoa, you are making a mountain out of a molehill already. There was no relationship."

'Well, why would this woman follow you here, House? Explain that?" she demanded her eyes glittering and her cheeks flushed.

"Look Cuddy, nothing happened. But truly it was before we got together anyway. So why are you so upset?"

"Perhaps, because you locked me out House. Yes, perhaps the doctors wanted you to have a break at first but after the first month I could have come and visited you. It was your decision to keep me out. Now I understand why!" She exclaimed barely able to sit down, she rose from her chair and went turned toward the window.

She felt the heat of his body, behind her and refused to turn around, when she did, she looked if she had a scalpel nearby he'd be at risk of a blood letting. House saw tears in her eyes and he gulped. A riff of internal cursing blew through his mind, wondering if he could communicate telepathically with Wilson. He definitely needed his friends help.

"House, since you've been back, you haven't talked much about Mayfield, at least not to me.

It all makes since now. I was trying to be patient, give your space to tell me about your time there, but it was never going to happen was it? At least not this experience."

"Cuddy, I should be flattered about the jealousy, but you are totally overreacting. We had an acquaintance; she appreciated my talents and let me have a lot of access to the music room and the piano. The music saved me Cuddy." He hoped his reasonable tone would calm her down, but he could see it wasn't working.

"She appreciated your talents and gave you a lot of access?" she shot back insultingly. You know, House I could just about swallow that if it wasn't for the job application on my desk. There's not that much coincidence in the world, Okay. I'm not surprised that you take a trip to the nuthouse and come back with a stalker, but I am surprised that it's a member of the staff. Perhaps she needs to check for parasites in her brain?"

"Get a grip Cuddy, nothing happened, but even if it did, it's not something you should be

concerned about. If it happened yesterday, I could see you being angry. But I haven't even seen Janet in a couple of months."

"You just admitted it. This woman "Janet" is not going to follow you here unless you gave her a reason to think you wanted her to."

"Did you give her a reason House?" she demanded.

"No, I didn't," he said irritated to be once again defending himself, when he felt he shouldn't have to."

"Did you touch her?" Cuddy . "I want to know House?"

"You don't have the right to question me about this Cuddy. It is in the past."

"Just like you didn't have a right to follow me on my dates and come to my House to interrupt them?" she shot back.

"Well I always thought you were a better person than I? A little less crazy? Am I wrong? I have to admit though this green-eyed Cuddy is a massive turn on." he said getting closer to her once again, "but it's also counterproductive."

"House, you haven't answered my question, which I guess is an answer within itself."

"I just kissed her goodbye when I left Mayfield. That is the one and only time we ever touched. I swear it. I was in hell Cuddy. She helped me."

"Like I failed to do." she murmured turning away as if she could barely stand to look at him. "It must have been some kiss to turn her into a stalker." Cuddy retorted. "So you left her and came straight to me she', she gasped indignantly with a look of distaste.

"Ahhh Cuddy," groaned in despair. It wasn't like that Cuddy. If anything you should thank her. She gave me the courage to come to you. To think I would even have a chance with you."

"How dare you even say that to me? House. You went to Mayfield to get better, not for an ego boost from some limp brained therapist that can't keep her hands off the patients in her care," she gritted between her teeth.

"How dare I, Cuddy. I was lost when I left here that day. Thinking what I thought about us and finding out it wasn't true. It was unbearable to me. Losing my mind losing you, no excuse me finding out I never even had you. Facing finally, that I couldn't save myself that I couldn't depend on the one thing I had ever depended on, my mind. Do you know how devasted I was? He drew in deep breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob. You only saw the beginning Cuddy, I had delusions for weeks. even after detox. To be in that place with those people, go through detox, be locked in 4x4 room and have your food shoved through the door like you are a dog. To have an army of men, hold you down and restrain you and put you where they want, and even force drugs on you. To have no control over your own life. It was like being in jail. It made me feel even more disconnected from who I was. The music was the only thing that helped me hang on and I was grateful to her for giving me that. There may have been some attraction, but there was no thought of acting on it. I did not ever think I would see her again when I left Mayfield and that was fine with me. It was you, I wanted. You I always wanted, but when I went to Mayfield I didn't feel as if there was snowball's chance in hell for us. My mind is my key to the world Cuddy, it's the only thing I have, it's the only thing that makes people put up with rest of the miserable ways I have, even you. Admit it, if it wasn't for my way of thinking you would not be interested in me either, because of whom I am, it allows you to be who you are. I was an eccentric crazy before, but being committed to an asylum just upped the anti. I'm now a certified lunatic. So why would I think I had any chance with you. I had insulted you, your daughter and your reputation here; you had fired me and said you were done with me, Cuddy. In fact that we weren't even friends and couldn't ever be. What did I have left to be faithful to? I had no hope but that the feeling in my heart and the images in my head would make me crazier minute by minute until I was beyond the point of any return. So you tell me which scenario is better for you?" His eyes were red rimmed and watery, the self-satisfied smirk was no where to be found. It reminded her much too much of that day.

"You had a hard time, I understand that House, but I would have understood it a lot better if you had allowed me to visit. If you had really talked to me since you've been back instead of just thinking the sex was enough."

"The sex was more than enough, don't lie." he retorted not able to help himself. "Sex is never going to be just sex with us it's a form of communication and we are getting to the other stuff. I have admitted feelings. I have told you a lot of things Cuddy. If you're negating that. Why the hell am I trying?"

He gave her pause, and she met his eyes in a moment of wordless acknowledgement. When she continued. She was quieter, but still accusatory. "Would you have ever told me about this woman?"

"Cuddy, it was nothing to tell, but I would have mentioned her when talking about the music therapy. It really was nothing to tell or to hide."

"Strange, House, the only women I've seen you canoodling with around here are hookers.

"I think we need to continue this conversation at home." House said, hoping to get them some breathing room, she was being totally irrational; he had to believe she would see that.

"Oh Damn." It's poker night. It's okay, I can cancel or I'll let Wilson run the game.

"No it's okay House. I think a night apart is exactly what's needed she replied coolly but much more controlled.

"Cuddy, this is not a problem, if you try to make it one. It's just moronic and you are anything but that. Or maybe you just want an excuse." He said quietly.

"An excuse for what?"

"An excuse to bail." he returned. His eyes still red.

"I'm not bailing House. I just need time to absorb this.

I know it doesn't compare to what you suffered, but I had a miserable few months while you were gone. And the fact that I couldn't see you added to it. I can accept that you didn't want me to see you in that position, but now I have to really ask myself is that the only reason you didn't want me to come. Perhaps you were trying to bail; perhaps you were just trying to find a distraction, so you could convince yourself that we didn't matter. That I didn't matter."

"Even if that were true. It didn't work, did it?"

"What did you say the other day, intentions, may not be everything, but they are certainly a big part."

Fine." He looked at her suddenly seeming exhausted.

"If you want to punish me over this I can't stop you, but asked yourself how long have you known that your feelings for me where deep. And how many people have you dated since then? Just honestly think about it. You don't even have to give me an answer." And with that he got up from the edge of her desk and limped from the room.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Cuddy let the tears flow then and that is how Wilson found her an hour later.

"Cuddy, talk to me." Wilson said sitting across from her.

"Do I need to talk to you? Didn't House tell you everything or did you already know? Did you meet this therapist while you were there?"

"No, I didn't know Cuddy. I have to say, I agree with House, you are taking this too seriously. The man was a mess; he clung on to what ever he could. He is not immune to patient crush. She gave him something to hold onto the music, it's very important to him. You know this. He was not committed to you, in fact, he had just found out that everything he thought he had discovered with you was only in his head. Perhaps he did want to escape that, perhaps he had to for a minute. But you Cuddy, I warned you both when you got into this you were rushing, and that's why you're overreacting because you are not sure of each other yet."

"Look, if that woman hadn't applied for a job here, he could have kept his dirty little secret and I probably wouldn't have been any the wiser. But now I know, that while I was here worrying about him and torturing myself, he was turning up the heat for some predatory wench. When I thought he had this incredible break through with me when he came home, he had already had a break through with her. I was second."

"Cuddy perhaps she was a rehearsal. Did you ever think about that?" Wilson responded in exasperation.

He watched Cuddy as she digested that thought.

"So what are you going to do about the woman?" he prompted interrupting her comptemplative stare.

"Well, she isn't going to work here. Her reputation precedes her. I'm on the interview panel."

"Cuddy, take yourself off the interview panel. You have just gotten House reinstated as head of diagnostics. Thanks to saving Hoffman's daughter, it wasn't a hard sell, but it did take a lot of your power. Now is not the time to get some unfair employment irregularity thrown in the mix."

"I'd like to see her try. She fraternized with a patient in a mental ward. She doesn't have a leg to stand on. I shouldn't even have her in for a frickin interview."

"Except you want to meet her" he said with a pitying shake of his head. "When is the interview?" He had never seen Cuddy like this. He had come in prepared to defend House, but now he was worried for them both.

"Next Monday," she said succinctly.

"Let me take your place." Wilson insisted.

"Wilson, you came to plead House's case, so do it."

"Cuddy, he shouldn't have to plead anything. You have this exaggerated sense of entitlement about House, like you own him, like he owes you. I know you two have invented the weirdest non-relationship, relationship in history. But seriously, when he left here his only commitment was to getting himself well. I think you expect too much from him. This is what I was afraid of."

"And he doesn't have a sense of entitlement about me?"

"Well we know House prides himself on the rational, but he has never been rational about you. Do you want to follow him down that road, because I assure you two irrationals does not add up to rational and is about as far as you can get from happy."

"House doesn't do happy and neither do I." she retorted.

"Well you two were doing a really good imitation of it last week." He returned.

"I know you want to treat House like a fragile egg, Wilson, but he is up to the rigors of a relationship. He has to be since he is in one, and no, I will not give him a free pass on anything. We have done that for too long. There's too much at stake for him to continue to act like a child. What about this poor woman, did he lead her on. Did she loose her job because of House?"

"No she still has her job; she was written up and is under some disciplinary measure. Don't pretend you care about this woman Cuddy. You want to scratch her eyes out."

"Did your contact at Mayfield tell you that? Did House ask you to check on her?"

"No Cuddy," he didn't. I did this on my own. House does not care about this woman. You need to let this go."

"I will, as long as this woman really disappears. If she doesn't then we have more than one problem."

That night Cuddy lay tensely in the bed wondering if House would come home. He didn't, she had told him they needed a night apart and she woke the next morning bleary eyed and heartsick. Perhaps she was overreacting; she tried to do what House said and go back to the time when she first knew she cared about him. It was hard to do because there was no single defining moment. She had a big thing for him in college and their encounter was sensuous and life changing. Her first adult sexual relationship and she definitely could have fallen in love with him then, but it was still born on the cusp of becoming anything more than a desperate adolescent addiction to someone who was finally her equal in every way plus disrespectful, self destructive and dangerous, in a word totally wrong for her and her plans for her future.

She had been so tired of being the brainy nerd girl as a teenager and it almost made it worst that she didn't look the part, so even when she tried to hide it and hang with the popular kids, it would come out eventually. Then boyfriends and even friends would look at her as if she had grown two heads. House was the first cool guy who also had enough intelligence to challenge her, and even make her stretch a little to keep up with him and that alone was enough to make her fall for him, but his long lanky body and expressive face completed the spell. He was always teasing her and pranking her mercilessly, his lack of discipline the antihisis of her control and she loved it. Yes, she had been in love with him even then, she admitted, but they had not spent enough time together, for it to take root and since she was focused on her classes and her medical career, she had been able to put it out of her mind when he left. The feelings had been buried and gone dormant, but now she knew they had never really gone away.

She couldn't say when these feelings had begun to creep back. After the infarction she had felt a great deal of guilt even more when his relationship with Stacy crashed. After she hired him, she couldn't say, when she had begun acknowledge the attraction was still there. Perhaps during the IVF. When she knew she didn't want him to father her baby in a test tube. When she had acknowledged that he was never the safe choice? When she had perjured herself?

By the time she had lost Joy there was no doubt. Even when he had found out she was adopting, his reaction had made her heart hurt, because it was then she actually saw that he had feelings too. And that he didn't want to share her with anyone. But he didn't want to be with her either. He didn't trust himself to be able to make it work. Then there was the kiss after losing Joy it had turned both their worlds upside down and often she wished they had slept together then, it would have been a disaster, but perhaps it would have gotten their feelings out in the open sooner. She hadn't seriously dated anyone since then, but there were always men around, doctors at the hospital, donors. With most of them she was aware they were attracted to her, but she managed to control the situation and not let them get close, she had never wanted to be involved with someone at work, she still thought it was a bad idea, only House had ever been the exception for her. There were no rules for her relationship with him.

The next morning he came bursting into her office actually volunteering for clinic hours. She looked at him as if he had lost his mind. It works both ways House; you can't curry favor at home by doing extra chores here. But by all means do start back in the clinic, you will never catch up on all your hours. He came across to the desk, leaned down an kissed her hard. You have to stop being mad some time he reasoned. Then turned on his heel and went to the clinic.

She was shocked and hurt when he did not come the next evening. It was one thing when a patient kept him at the hospital but choosing to stay away was petty and not like him. Who was punishing whom? The next day she was so tired, after two ruined nights of sleep and to top it off the nanny had some kind of intestinal bug and couldn't sit with Rachel and the babysitter wouldn't be available to noon. She had called a sitter from an emergency service and was getting the sitter, to actually meet her at work. She could put Rachel in a play pen in the conference room next to her office. She had a meeting. She brought Rachel into work strapped on her back. When she got she found House's team had a patient. She took the file straight to Diagnostics since she might not have the time to later. She had paged them that they had a case so as expected they were all sitting around the table when she came in.

There were some initial coos of delight from Cameron, 13, and surprisingly Taub which died down pretty quickly when Cuddy begged them not to wake her.

The patient was a 16 year old boy who had presented with jaw pain and on x-ray and scan had shown extensive destruction of the jawbone on the left side. The doctor just had not yet come up with diagnosis, when he had presented with a new symptom fluid in the lung and collapsed lung. She slid the folder on to the table trying to not look at House. Since his license, had been reissued, he was taking a more active role in the DDX. He was once again, controlling his white board, while Foreman read from the folder.

She stayed for a few minutes, until they came up with several strong possibilities and was about to leave when House made some comment about Rachel. Rachel had been soundly asleep or so she thought, but at the sound of his voice saying her name she opened her eyes wide and began to cry. She had not seen House for two days.

"Daah, Daaac," she whined mournfully holding starfish hands out to House. Cuddy could tell by the frenzied writhing of her small body against her back, that if it wasn't for being so firmly strapped down she would be having a full fledged temper tantrum.

The team of ducklings old and new watched with extreme interest as House came over to grab the grasping hands and sooth the crying child just by standing closer to her.

"What can I say," House shrugged with wide eyed helplesnessness, the Cuddy women just can't stay away from me." he snarked boldly, watching with interest the fact that he was making Cuddy very uncomfortable even as he soothed her child. Their agreement was to keep their relationship out of the workplace, but since she was doing her best to end it he didn't see how he owed anything to that agreement. After she gave them a few minutes, Cuddy was about to walk out of the office when Rachel, started whimpering, but Cuddy kept walking.

"What poor employee of your are you getting to mind your child today" he called after her.

"A baby sitter is taking Rachel while I'm in the meeting." She said and turning on her heel she quickly fled before Rachel could protest again.

"So what, did Rachel just call you? Da-Da," Taub said in flat voice.

"Doc, you idiot. When was the last time you got your hearing checked."

"Well 10-month olds only have a few words, and if you are on her list. You must have been doing a lot of ah- babysitting, recently." Taub concluded , his dead pan way.

"Jealous!" House shot back. "I'm sure Cuddy can put you in the sitter rotation. In fact if you hurry after her, she'll probably let you start today. The rest of us have sick boy to save.

When Cuddy came out of her meeting she found that House had been with Rachel most of the time, and the temp sitter was dozing in the recliner she had brought in from the lounge area.

"Don't you have a patient?" Cuddy asked.

"The Diagnostic department has a patient. Thanks to your red tape I'm officially still a consultant until Monday, remember."

"Then you should be down in the clinic, not playing footsie with my daughter."

"Oh my God if you're getting green-eyed over your own daughter you have really lost it." House sniped.

"No, I just don't want you to play with her heart like..."

House closed the conference room door and came back to snatch her into his arms and in spite of her resistance, began kissing her until she had no breath and the room started to spin.

"This is too stupid. Let me in."

"I never put you out." she protested.

"But you did. At least it felt like it to me. I felt like Fred Flintstone, when the cat got back in and he was locked out banging on the door."

She stared at him for a moment wanting to say it's not me, it's your issue, but she didn't. She didn't have to her eyes met his in understanding as she reached a comforting hand out to his shoulder. The fact that he accepted the gesture showed tremendous growth and they shared a smile before he left her office.

She had ended up letting Wilson do the panel, in the end she did not trust herself, to be in the same room with the woman, though she had managed to ride the elevator down to ground floor with her at the end of the interview.

"Could you press the ground floor please," came the women's deep, alto voice. She was by no means conventionally pretty, her face being too strong of feature, but the short ash blonde hair, gave her features a bold magnetism, and focused attention on the underlying sensuality of her full lips, and narrow green eyes. Her body, was tight and shapely, yes she could see the woman being attractive to House, especially if she showed him some compassion.

When she got to the bottom floor she was surprised to see House waiting there with Rachel. He had her by the hand and was gently letting her toddle beside him.

The woman followed her from the elevator and was noticeably surprised to see House and even more surprised to see Rachel.

"Dr. House," the woman gasped out his name, something between pleasure and consternation marking her features as she looked at him with Rachel. House picked Rachel up and handed her to Cuddy.

"Hello Dr. House, how are you? Nice to see you back at work. I'm here for a job interview."

"Janet, this is unexpected. Why did you decide to interview here? Why interview at all? I thought you loved your job at Mayfield."

"Well it's a long story," she almost stuttered, watching as he continued to hold Rachel's hand even though she was in Cuddy's arms.

"Cute baby," she said "Is she yours?"

"Yes," he had simply while Cuddy barely covered her gasp at his lie.

She saw the girl shut down, and stammer out that she had a train to catch and then she rushed from the lobby. Leaving Cuddy holding Rachel staring into House's eyes and wondering what it all meant. Had he done it just to get rid of the girl or did he really mean it?

At that moment, the elevator doors opened once more and out came a lanky boy with curls of dark gold, striding through the lobby towards them. Cuddy felt as if she had be struck by lightening a second time in less than five minutes. She knew that hair and those wide blues eyes, she looked at them in the face of her daughter every morning. It was Rachel's biological father.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

Cuddy handed Rachel to House and turned her body to block the child from view as she confronted the teen who looked just as shocked as she felt.

"What are you doing here? She asked trying to not sound accusing.

"Look Dr. Cuddy, I was just visiting a friend. I wasn't trying to run in to you or see her... his voice went into a croak like boys who are having a voice change, even though he was well past that age. Even though he was denying wanting to see her his eyes were glued to the space behind Cuddy and she realized that he could still see the child.

"I would really appreciate you giving this hospital a wide berth. You have relinquished rights and your being here is not good for you nor her. "

"I'm sure it's not affecting her at all. She doesn't know me from Adam and I guess she never will". He spun on his heel and ran from the lobby. Cuddy turned to face House visibly upset.

"Your office." he said following her still holding Rachel.

Cuddy took Rachel and held her tight as she went to sit behind her desk. She picked up the phone and dialed an extension. The security desk.

"Cuddy, he looked at her in amazement then heard her words. She was asking who the boy had visited.

He had to sign in and get a badge and tell who he was visiting. Then she told security to alert her if he visited the building again.

"Alana Hoffman." Cuddy gasped putting the phone down in amazement.

"Really," House said. "Well she's due to be released in a couple days so you shouldn't have to worry.

"I wonder if Hoffman knows what kind of friends his daughter has?" Cuddy wondered aloud.

"Not your business, Cuddy. Leave the kid alone, and he'll leave you alone. Start messing in his life and you'll create a problem where there is none. You don't know they are friends, she's just as likely to be ..."

"His client. That's worse. She's gotta be pretty important to him, when Rachel's birth mother was here he could barely bring himself to visit and she was his client and his secret girlfriend."

"Stay out of it Cuddy. The Hoffman's seem a lot more involved as parents than that girl's parents were."

"I'm not sure I can just stand by and say nothing, House. I can put myself in his shoes and I'd want someone to tell me if they knew Rachel was hanging out with a kid who had demonstrated problems. Who was a drug dealer for God's sake."

"Why is it that talking to you is like talking to a brick wall. If this gets traced back to you it may cause problems for you with Rachel."

"I'll sleep on it," she said going over to put the sleepy Rachel in her carriage. Even though there was a flash of fear in her eyes there was also determination. I've already filed the paper work for the adoption. The first court date is a month from now. I wanted to get it done before Rachel's first birthday, but I had no idea it would be a waiting period after filing."

Suddenly Cuddy's phone rang. And House noticed she looked stunned.

"It's Hoffman." She whispered as she picked up the phone.

"Hello Alan," she answered her phone in less than her usual confident tones. "Yes, I know him. He's my child's biological father. Yes, more than a bit of trouble. I'm glad you saw us, because once I found out he was visiting your daughter, I was concerned. So you know about the drug dealing. He's trying to clean up his act? Really? Your partner is his mentor? Well it's always good if someone can turn their life around. You are right having him visit the hospital and run into us like that was definitely uncomfortable. I only wish the best for him of course. It was a bad situation all around, when a young girl looses her life and very nearly her baby's because of low self-esteem and secrets. Okay, I'll see you at the next board meeting." Cuddy hung up the phone looking pale and shell shocked.

"What's wrong?" he asked even though he had read a lot from the conversation.

"Don't get me wrong, if this boy is turning his life around, I can't be anything but happy about it, but I have to wonder why. He has not only stopped the drug dealing but has attained a mentor, who is one of the most powerful lawyers in the tri-state area."

"You know his family is not without influence he wasn't dealing for the money. So of course the mess that happened had to even wake them up enough not to let their son continue on his path down the drain. Don't borrow trouble and automatically think it's about Rachel, or some threat to you. This kid's just trying to save his own miserable life."

"You almost sound as if you empathize with him." Cuddy countered looking at him narrowly.

"Maybe I do." House shrugged. Not seeming to want to take that further.

"In what way?" Cuddy probed." Not the teenage father left in the dark?" she insisted even though it was painful she would forge on, as if driven to probe the pain as one would tongue an aching tooth.

"Yes, that's part of it and perhaps being in situations where people look for the worst in you."

"Do you feel I look for the worst in you? " Cuddy asked trying to push back her defensiveness, because she wanted to hear him out. He so rarely volunteered any information about his feelings she had to literally bite her tongue not to become even more defensive than she was.

"Sure sometimes. I don't blame you. With my track record it's natural I guess even when we were back in school, the situations were not so very different. Rachel's mother didn't tell the boy she was pregnant because she was in denial and she probably thought he was just using her which he probably was, but... that but is important Cuddy, because I think he cared about her or he never would have showed up at the hospital at all. The same way, you didn't tell me because you didn't think I would care."

"That wasn't the reason, I just felt like a fool. Like it was my fault. I knew you were gifted, way beyond the norm. How could I put a drag, like a child on you and limit you. It was bad enough if I had to abandon my career without impacting yours so early on."

"Do you remember me asking you why you cared so much about Rachel's mother? You empathized with her even before you found out she had been pregnant. I remember speculating why? I think you felt like a misfit at school too. You were young even for a freshman and that affected your sense of equilibrium in our relationship, so we were doomed even before we started."

"So it's my fault that you went home and didn't try to stay in contact, just like it was Rachel's mother's fault that the boy hid her in the closet because she didn't match what his friends thought was cute."

"You were not the only one that had a crazy relative working on you he bit out."

"What?" Cuddy asked what do you mean?"

"My father found your picture. It was your high school graduation picture."

"How did you get it?" She asked in shock.

"I found a strip of proofs in the corner of your desk." he explained and then went to his wallet and easily went behind several cards and pulled out worn photo of her at 16. The photo had been taken at the beginning of her senior year in High School.

She was very moved that he had kept the photo all these years and her eyes flashed this to him without a need for words. "So what did your father say? " she asked, her trembling hand holding her mouth, expecting nothing good.

"He all but accused me of being a pedophile, and that was the nicest thing he said."

"And that kept you from calling?" She asked breathlessly. And at that point his beeper went off. That was all it took. House gave her a look of apology but left with an undisguised look of relief.

Cuddy tried to lift herself from her pensive mood. She looked down at the sleeping Rachel. She had one hand tucked under her tousled head and rosy color seemed painted on cheeks and the perfect "O" of her cherub lips. She was so beautiful, she looked like the children in illustrated nursery rhymes. Cuddy didn't want to think in the negative but she found herself thinking of the time before she came. She had been a workaholic trying to fill her life with the hospital, but really inside so bereft and lonely. Even with her family there was always this distance that was hard to cross and when she did it felt like a double edged sword of reward and regret. There would always be a blood letting involved in close contact with her family especially her perfectionist mother and sister. She looked at it as a sort of mixed pleasure and pain and often felt it was better to remain a little outside, a little numb and distant.

So often felt she had had no one no one but a cantankerous doctor just as lonely as she, who she worked with every day. Strangely enough or perhaps not, her relation with him was from a distance the same way she loved her family and her contact with him the same double edged sword. His only personal contact was making rude, suggestive remarks which she found equally appalling and flattering depending on the day and then their were their battles that lit her cold existence with an intense emotion as fierce and fiery as passion without skin or sin. Though it was vented in a negative way, he was so engaging and it, this thing that was always there between them was the only thing that let her know she still had warm blood running through her veins. She had grown used to this frigid emotional existence, she had managed with it even while her heart cried out for more than fights of passion.

Finally she had gotten this screaming, wriggling wrinkled red lump of humanity whose mouth was so big and screams were so loud, indecipherable and unending. Who needed so much and who could not be ignored or frozen out, who could be engaging if only she could find the key. Be careful what you wish for. The connection was hard to forge, perhaps because she had lived in isolated coldness for so long she had forgotten how raw and unpredictable the deep end of human emotion could be. But finally she had opened the door and had been swallowed whole. She had been caught up in Rachel's, silky soft skin and her baby smells, good and bad. She had been caught up in drool wet hands, soiled diapers, lopsided smiles and eyes that lit up when Mommy came home. She had been enchanted by tiny fists that held tight to her fingers, and later grabbed at her hair and jewelry, but made their impression in her heart. She was caught by hair, while not curly like hers, it kept the coils created by warm fingers. Then there were the chunky white teeth that were shown in mischievous delight at adult reaction from the occasional sneaky nip. She was enchanted by the nuzzling, she gave and received and how responsive her daughter was to her every mood and every gesture and how when she looked into her limpid blue eyes she demanded nothing less than her very soul. She was so in love, the little songs and chants Rachel whispered to herself sounded like memories of angel song and riddled her with the possibilities of understanding. Her daughter's progress day by day brought increasing growth and awareness. The way she was actually proud of herself when she accomplished a new task or skill, these parts of herself was Cuddy reflected in her little girl's personality along with some things that were all her own. There was no way she would be robbed of seeing her progress even more of it. She wanted to teach her to ride a bike and see her off on her first day of kindergarten, Rachel was hers, and the only thing missing was DNA. She had shared her body with her daughter and had still not properly weaned her, she was as bad as her sister, but his was a very important part of her bond with Rachel all the more so because they were missing the blood tie. She was loath to give it up completely. She knew she and her daughter had now bonded skin to skin and they could each be blindfolded and find each other through smell alone. There was no way she could give this up, no way, God could not be that cruel to her or to Rachel.

She was still in this reflective tender frame of mind when House came back. Their earlier conversation had receded in her mind and now she was not as rabid at chasing down his every thought like Alice chasing a rabbit down the hole, instead she tried to make herself patient enough to let things come up naturally, even if they weren't resolved or followed to the end of a thought. They never would be anyway. It was ongoing just like them.

Her mood suddenly changed as she tilted her head to look at him." Did you really mean what you said to the Braeden woman?"

"What?" House said stretching his eyes in a moment of deflection pretending not to remember.."No, I was just lying to give her a clean exit."

"You, lying to spare someone's feelings? Cuddy pointed at him with animated face and eyes. "I know the end of the world was predicted for 2012, but perhaps the Mayan calendar was off, because this has got to be an omen."

"Please don't be Wilson, I don't want to sleep with him." he retorted spearing her quip.

He watched as she walked over to him slowly with Rachel cooing in delight with having both of her favorite people together and seeming playing some strange but familiar game. The hilarious thing was that it was definitely a sexy prowl and she was about the only one he knew who could pull it off with a kid on one hip.

"If you are getting me confused with Wilson, I think we have more than one problem." she retorted lifting her chin in challenge, even as the corners of her mouth crimped with the effort to suppress her laughter.

She did not need him to confirm it, she knew he cared about Rachel, really cared, and that was more than enough for her, more than she had ever expected. It felt like comfort to have someone who cared about Rachel too. With two of them pulling for the little girl it felt just right. She suddenly smiled at him her hand going out to his face, it had been so sweet the way he had handled the Braeden woman. House had learned a lot in the last three months and she had a feeling a more socially skilled House, a kinder, gentler House was a very dangerous man indeed. He so knew what to do. He had made her heart melt like butter.

"Honestly, I would lie, beg, borrow, cheat and steal to get back to your bed," he said huskily almost as if reading her mind. Getting close to her on the opposite side of where she had Rachel on her hip. " Though I know, It may get me there but it won't keep me there."

"Genius" she retorted. "If your E.Q. ever catches up to your I.Q., I might as well fly the white flag."

House gave her a fake puzzled look. "I thought you already had. No, perhaps that was a white thong. Same thing." He shrugged.

"I don't have a white thong." she retorted.

"Silver then, I passed the memory test. So does that mean I can come home tonight?" he asked, softly turning his face to give her palm a wet kiss, the wetness instantly echoed in her nether regions.

"You better come home tonight." she said silkily.

"You betta" echoed Rachel in the one of the mini-me imitations she had started doing of Cuddy.

All three were suddenly laughing and briefly all the shadows were pushed back to the edge of the room in a moment of pure joy.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Cuddy had fed bathed and tucked Rachel into bed, but she herself had only reached the living room sofa before falling into a doze by the dying embers of the fire she had lit earlier. House had a patient so there would be no sensual reunion, not tonight. After their earlier banter she had been caught up in a glow of anticipation only now willing to admit how much she had missed him in her home and in her bed. Not just the hot, skilled communication of their bodies, but the fact that it was really love making, a flow of caring and connection that was a part of all they did between the sheets, cuddling included. He could make her feel at once safe and thrillingly at risk. She savored his knowing touch, that showed how well he was attuned to her particular needs and desires.  
In her disappointment, she had donned a long white flannel gown with small blue flowers and blue bedroom ballerina slippers. The gown was a little ratty but provided the comfort she needed. She had not worn it since House. She smiled ironically, about her thoughts. As independent as she was, in her mind she had already divided her life into before House and after House. B.H. and A.H. Pitiful, she thought with a mental snort of disgust which belied the satisfied smile curving her lips.  
Tonight the gown's comfort felt just right, since she felt a little off after running into Rachel's biological father. She knew she shouldn't panic, but she was waiting for the adoption to go through and she had given in to her habit of anticipating the worst. Pushing the bad things from her mind she focused on the good things House and Rachel.  
She had kept the babysitting footage and often watched it because it gave her such joy. She hardly needed it though as she had memorized every second. She awoke from her nap to find House seated on the floor in front of the sofa her ankle draped over his shoulder as he slowly trailed a line kisses from ankle to the joint of her large toe. Her slippers were nowhere to be seen and House was fully engaged with the tracery of blue veins across the top of her foot and the delicate arch underneath. He felt the instant of her awakening and turned to meet the aroused glitter of sapphire eyes through the narrowed cluster of dark lashes.  
"House, she murmured his name half in protest, whether the protest was against what he was doing or the fact that he had started while she was still asleep remained to be seen.  
"You seriously didn't think this would be a deterrent." he said tugging teasingly at her gown. He had noticed that he was always House at the beginning of the their sensual pursuits almost as if she was fighting herself, but by the end she was definitely purring and sweetly murmuring "Greg" in a mixture of power and submission.  
Her blood raced through the surface of her skin banishing sleep bemusement forever, it was sending waves of wanton desire dancing along her nerve endings as his tongue traced the delicate artery down the top of her foot and curled around her big, toe before finding the underside of her foot where the ball joined with her toes. She shuddered as the small spiraling sensuous circles of his tongue lapped her toes sucking one like his favorite lollipop. A whimpering moan of delight slid involuntarily from her trembling lips as she jackknifed at the tightening nerve ending pulling at her core. He allowed her to sit up guiding her leg so she straddled his shoulders as he turned to the left, giving the opposite leg and foot the same ministrations.  
She reached over his shoulder her eager fingers unsteady with the need to touch his skin as she loosened the buttons of his shirt and slid her hands gliding over his shoulder and down the front his warm hairy chest. She kissed the top of his head liking the texture of his still short hair cut. "Do you have on white cotton grandma undies too." he teased his fingers feathering up her inner thighs as if to investigate. Finding the tenderness of honey wet skin his mouth followed the trail of his hands making her shudder and buck like a wild thing. In a swift panther like movement he was out of his shirt and rising in a surprising nimble movement his body landed on top of hers the hard impact of his hard male weight gave her a moment's satiation before increasing her desire. She had missed him so much, how had she ever existed before they had found each other again. She could never go back to that narrow, cold nun-like existence. The fact that he had helped kept her walled in the convent until he was ready was not lost on her, but she felt he had gone a long way towards making up for it in the last few months. He had added a richness to her life and to Rachel's that she had never expected.  
He tugged her up from the sofa holding her hand as he led the way to her bed without missing a beat. There was still too much fabric between them and as she struggled to remove the flannel casing that had become the enemy of delight, she expected help from him and surprisingly got resistance. Amazingly he wanted her to keep the gown on, all his attentions were given in spots where he had access to skin. Then she felt his mouth find her breast sucking the her hardened nub through the thick fuzzy fabric the warm wetness of his mouth and dancing tongue created a bubble of frustrated desire that grew within her.  
"Peachy." he teased on a laugh going on to explore her torso in the same way. She began to whimper in protest of this torture of robbing her of the skin on skin contact she craved, but that very frustration also served to heighten her desire and finally he peeled the gown from the top half of her body so that it pooled around her waist and she was so grateful that she kissed his mouth in sweet inviting surrender.  
She brushed her lips against his chest in a sensuous pattern tantalizing his male nipples by alternately nuzzling, nibbling, and sucking, before trailing kisses down the long length of his body like a treasure hunter, as her tongue explored the tunnel of his navel before going down even further. He groaned as she touched his rigid length in a sensitized give and take which was a delight to them both.  
By the time their bodies were joined they had each already been close to the edge of the cliff and she had fallen over, but it did not prevent her from looking forward to the next pinnacle of desire. Their pace was so familiar, yet so primitive in it's hunger that she felt herself taken as if he needed to remind her after the time away that she was his and his only. She felt her body began to tremble, involuntary spasms tightening her sheath around him as they both went off the cliff together. They lay in a tangle of limbs and sheets and flannel, smiles of nirvanhic bliss curving their faces.  
"I missed you." he murmured as he nuzzled her ear. She twisted to get closer to him and the gown caught around her torso and abdomen tightening around her and increasing the intensity of the after shocks quivering through her loins. House his eyes focused on her face read her reactions at once his breathing becoming more ragged as he lived her sensations vicariously, she was shocked as he smoothly and purposefully caught up the loose fabric of the gown and with a deft twist he began to tighten it like a tourniquet, all the while their breaths mingling in an opened mouthed, air kiss. She couldn't believe his skill in this, as he rhythmically tightened and loosened the fabric, the torque tightening on her skin, pressuring her pleasuring her spots and sending her into a keening moan of a deeper longer thrill, impossibly her third. She began to kiss him gratefully.  
"How did you know? she whispered incredulously.  
"Damn woman, all those tight skirts you wear, how could I not know?" he growled. "I make it my business to know every fetish you have sometimes before you do and perhaps create some more." he teased.  
She knew it was his way of pleasing her and marking her, as surely as a tattoo with his desires and the quality of her own interpreted with delicacy. She remembered the box he had had delivered to her office with the black leather corset with laces, and a blind fold, in it one single sheet of paper with his scrawled hand "What are your freakouts?"  
She knew enough to know it was an S&M term in order to know how far a partner was willing to go and what was unacceptable for their comfort. She had never answered the question even though she had worn the costume. Instead she had the turned the question around on him that night. They had a light level of play and were able to read each other without the need for words she didn't mind visiting or contemplating anything but she didn't necessarily want to get stuck in a wild place.  
Almost seeming to read her mind he asked he again 'What are your freakouts?"  
She never could answer, embarrassingly because she had no boundaries with this man she felt she would let him take her anywhere that was not physically harmful and she had never felt that safe before. He read her answer in her face, and smiled finally divesting her of the offending and now up-ending garment so they could cuddle skin to skin.

When she awoke the next morning she found House looking at her, most of the time it was her body he was obsessed with but now he looked into her face as if seeking to divine her every secret. It made her feel exposed, so it was not surprising that she did not respond openly to his next probing questions.  
"After this time apart. I want to ask a question I should have asked months ago."  
"What? She asked not alarmed, but her blissful morning after glow was fading as quickly as a good dream, and she minded.  
"What are the deal breakers for you in this relationship?" he asked.  
Cuddy looked at him in stunned silence not knowing what to say. In a weird way it was similar to the question he had asked last night and the answer was the same. House had already violated all her boundaries of what was acceptable in her head as far as relationships went, but strangely enough she had screwed it up with all the men that fit nicely inside those pre thought out boxes. House was the only man who had stayed in her head and heart for so long and would not be totally expelled, though she could fool herself for years at a time.  
"Okay don't relate it to me, just give me your list of deal breakers, I know you have one."  
"What brought this on? I didn't kick you out House. It was your choice not to come home."  
"So you say now, but you definitely kicked me out the first night. How am I going to know when I cross the line when you won't tell me where the lines are?"  
"You know where the lines are, it's the usual list."  
"Cheating, substance abuse, physical, verbal abuse, mental illness, and emotional distancing, immaturity" he taunted her. "Have I left anything out? You might as well throw that list in the trash and start a new one. I have the majority of those issues, but you choose to hang me on the one thing I didn't do."  
"Okay, I overreacted. I'm sorry. she grabbed his shoulder offering a moment of sincere apology, "But in my experience, House, knowing where the lines are just makes you want to color outside them." she finished with a touch impatience. She threw the covers off and slid way from him wanting to leave the bed. After the unbelievable reconnection they had had last night his attitude this morning seemed cold and divisive. She did not want to bring this discussion to her bed, their bed. She knew she was being contrary, she always wanted him to talk, yet sometimes when she got it she couldn't deal. He was not the only deflector. She was almost to the bathroom door when she heard him coming after her, knowing that his leg slowed him down especially in the morning she was briefly glad for the advantage it gave her until she heard his gasp as he fell back onto bed. She was instantly by his side her hand moving over the ruined thigh muscle as she asked him if he was okay.  
In reply he laughed, pulling her back into the bed and into his arms. "Might as well add manipulative, to that list." He said with a sarcastic moue of his lips before his mouth covered hers.


	27. Chapter 27

House had recieved a whole folder of information from Dr. Hunt the head of the fertility center a PPTH. There was a procedure they he recommended for Cuddy that would clear scaring from fallopian tubes and increase her fertility. He was debating about how to broach the subject with her. He didn't want to push her but he thought she should give it a shot. Then strangely enough he also found out there was an eastern method of fertility massage that was gaining popularity in the west and had some good results. He felt if Cuddy was gun shy which she was likely to be, she'd be more willing to go for a non-invasive procedure. He had wondered how to bring this up with her. In the end he decided to mention it casually. And it came up even more naturally than he thought it would.

One evening they were sitting on the sofa, they had just finished dinner, Rachel had already been put to bed and they were talking just about a string of things some work and some personal. Even though she focused on him occasionally she had the omnipresent work spread out on the coffee table before her along with the laptop. House was thinking about how soon he was going to wait before separating her from that laptop, but not yet, the talk was good, and she was quite capable of multi-tasking, as was he, but the WWF with sound muted was not quite the same thing. When she asked about the acupuncture session he had on his leg that morning, he had the perfect opportunity to send up his trial balloon.

"The acupuncture practitioner I use also does fertility therapy, " he said cutting his eyes over to see how she would take this.

"You, the king of rational and skeptic of all except western medicine are advocating for eastern medicine. Wow, they have a convert, you have changed!" Cuddy had turned her head to look at him in mock shock, but when she saw his analytical gaze on her, her head swiveled back on her neck and she once again focused on her laptop.  
"Well it has had benefits for me and I am not one to dismiss something once it's shown results. You have proven in the past that the placebo effect can work on my pain, but I don't think the length of this improvement qualifies." There was a beat of silence and he saw, she was in such denial that she was not going to even acknowledge what he said. Plan A trial balloon just got shot down, time for plan B, the direct approach. "No comment on the fertility therapy. "You don't even want to know what it entails?"

''I'm assuming this is not an academic discussion?" Cuddy turned to look at him and the sudden vulnerability on her face speared him.

"If you don't want to have this discussion Cuddy, we don't have to." he said carefully. Their eyes locked and they were having a whole discussion of their own.

"So what are you saying House? You think I should look into this?"

"Yes, I think you should. I think there have been some advances even since a few years ago. And the therapies at the center are non-invasive."

"Non-invasive, so it doesn't cost me anything right? It's not surgery? Or hormone therapy like IVF?"

There were tears on her lashes and he was suddenly wishing he could suck the words back from whence they came.

"Cuddy, I don't want to upset you.' He had reached out to grab her shoulders and bring her closer towards him. It's just this has been on my mind since..."

"Since you found out I lost our baby." She said her eyes closing down on the wetness starting to escape. "Do you think you have to fix me because you feel you broke me? Am I your new puzzle House?"

"God no Cuddy, you've always been my puzzle, but perhaps this is more about fixing me."

Cuddy's mind and heart were racing in two separate directions. "What are you saying House? Are you saying that you think we should make a baby together, the two of us?" She questioned swishing her hand between them with pointer extended.

"Yes, he said with an effort meeting her eyes directly, trying not to deflect.

"Oh,"she said with her hand on her mouth the tears running unabashedly down her cheeks as he pulled her close. She felt raw with conflicting emotions and so open to him, it was frightening.

"This is a big decision House", she murmured against his neck. Then pulled back to look at him. "It shouldn't be because we want to heal ourselves or replace the child we lost."

"Yes, I admit the thought of you carrying my child got in my head and I can't get it out. I wonder what our child would look like, be like and I wonder about it a lot."

"Wondering about it and actually wanting it are two different things." She said warningly. She was so moved , she wanted him to want it but at the same time she was so scared she barely could stand to hear him say it. "It's not an experiment House. A child between us would connect us forever."

"I think we are already connected. Don't you?" He asked it in a mocking way but there was a fragility about the way he held his head that she knew he was putting himself out there and she had to be careful despite her doubts. He could see through her more than she thought, but not as much he thought.

"You don't want it, do you?" He asked. Is it about me or about you? He asked cutting through the crap as he usually did with everyone else's emotions but his own. But this did involve him. This was new.

"Both," she said trying to match his honesty..

"I've been through the wars of fertility already House. Sorry you missed it, but like I told you after I lost Joy, I can't go through it again. Rachel just fell in my lap but for her I would have given up? Thank God for her, she is enough for me."

"This is not about Rachel not sharing our blood" he denied."I think Rachel is a part of my decision, she made me want that experience with you from the beginning and she is growing up so fast."

"I remember you said. I give up, but you didn't give up really because even Rachel landing in your lap wouldn't have convinced you if you had."

"No," she shook her head, "it was holding her I think, finding her in that place and bringing her back to the hospital."

"You are not a quitter Cuddy, you are not a play it safe person. If you were we would not be together now. And Cuddy, you haven't played it safe even with Rachel you sill have this period of uncertainty when things could go wrong. Thats what you are going through right now. Perhaps the reason you are feeling so tense right now, maybe this was just the wrong time to bring it up."

"How could she explain to him it was not just her disappointment that she could not bear, it would be his as well. It would be double disappointment and heartbreak."

"Cuddy during the IVF you came to my office and thanked me for helping you. You were going to ask me to be a donor that day, don't deny it. It was all over your face. Why did you change your mind?"

"I didn't want to have a baby with you in a test tube." she admitted emotively.

"Exactly, you wanted it just like the first time," he said huskily.

"I can't do it House. I'm sorry. I'm just not ready. We are not ready."

"It's okay, Lisa, he said calming her with running her hands through her hair. "At least you haven't ruled it out. I know you don't trust me enough, you don't trust us, but time is not on our side in the fertility game."

It was a few week later a cold foggy day in January. Cuddy had taken her lunch hour and a little extra time to do a few errands and squeeze in an appointment. She had on a slim fitting black yoga paints, a hot pink top, a short black coat and slung across her shoulders was a matching black yoga mat with pink trim rolled into a cylinder and tied to string shoulder strap. She was actually bending to get in her car when she heard the roar of a motorcycle come up behind her.

"Lisa Cuddy, fancy meeting you here." said House getting off his motorcycle and removing his helmet and giving her a lopsided smile.

Cuddy stood there gaping like a fish and feeling so caught. She had called the Eastern Arts Wellness center and verified that House did not have appointments on Thursdays before making hers. It was her third.

She had started to take a number of therapies there, including yoga, massage, some acupuncture some herbal services, it was the kind many people came for, men and women, but it so happened that her group of therapies were aimed a fertility. She was still partially in denial even to herself which is why she had not yet shared this information with House. She felt paralyzed, afraid to even look up when she felt his hand slide over the curve of her derriere and she jumped.

"House," she squeaked indignantly looking around the parking. PDA's are one thing PDL's are another."

"PDL's? House said raising an inquiring eyebrow.

"Public display of lust."

"If I can't display a little lust for my FBM . Then who?"

"FBM?" she raised an eyebrow, mocking him and trying not to giggle.

"Future baby mama," he shot back with a wicked grin.

"Oh House, please don't count on anything. We don't even know if this will work and I will go to Dr. Hunt before we would even think of trying." she said putting a hand up to his bearded jaw, the hair softer than the prickly stubble that had once donned his face.

It was wasted breath, because there was a warm glow in his eyes as he bent to kiss her. Soft, lush pressure kisses that left her weak at the knees, so that she sank abruptly down in the car and he followed her stooping beside the car. He was practically on his knees to her and the significance of it was not lost to either of them.

"Oh Lisa, he crooned her name. "The fact that you are here says so much more than words. Of course I want this to work out for us more than anything, but even if it doesn't. The mere fact that you were willing to try means... means a lot." he said.

"Oh, Greg." and she kissed him back desperately trying to keep the L word that was bubbling up in her from escaping her lips.

"So even if we can't start trying yet there is no harm in practicing." He said softly.

"Not in a car in a parking lot." she snapped back.

"Last time was the back of a truck full of hay. Vehicles may be our good luck charm he said kissing her again.

"Then we will have a date when we are ready. In my garage." she added the rider mischeivously.

"I know you have more adventure in your bones than that. I think I'm really going to need my therpy appointment today." His tongue entered her mouth and it was new, it was a new feeling, this openness with him that felt in that moment as if all the walls and barbed wire built up for over twenty years of deflection, denial and negation were tumbling down.


	28. Chapter 28

There were many thoughts going on in the mind of Lisa Cuddy. As aways there were good things and bad things. One good thing was that she was beginning to even entertain the thought of having a baby with House, though that could also be the crazy thing. The bad thing was the worry over the adoption finalization.

Another good thing was making plans for Rachel's 1st birthday party and the other bad thing was another DYFS inspection because it was coming up on a year. She remembered how bad her house had been when the social worker had come before and she was determined that everything would be perfect this time around. Considering all the things coming up she had several things to discuss with House. She wanted him to be at Rachel's birthday party and she knew this time he would want to be there for her and for Rachel. The DYFS home visit precipitated her thoughts about their co-habitation. She didn't know why she hadn't thought of it before, but she really shouldn't be living with anyone. House hadn't brought a lot of his stuff to her place, but there was definitely enough to let the case worker know she had a man there. She would have to be tactful in asking House to take some of his stuff back home, though she thought she could hide most of it. She didn't want to do it and hoped he took it the right way. It was over dinner one night when she brought up the subject of the DYFS home inspection.

"So, you're saying I have to move out just for this inspection?"

"No not really move out, just take a few of your bulkier items like your guitars back to your place temporarily. It's only one day the inspection will happen while you are at work and we can go back to normal that evening."

"Sure he said, I wouldn't want to put the adoption at risk."

Cuddy looked for sarcasm but could find none. His words were cooperative in voice and tone but something did not sit well with Cuddy and it was visible in the way she chewed at her bottom lip. House did feel uncomfortable with this and she was sorry.

"House this is no reflection on you. I filed for the adoption as a single person and I can not change in mid-stream."

"Okay, Cuddy I understand the reasons, you don't have to soft soap it. Though I do remember when you went for the adoption for Joy you had Wilson be one of your references. If it was Wilson living with you, would you hide him? I can see the point, who would want to admit they were shacking up with recovering drug addict that was just released from the nut house when they are trying to adopt a child."

"House please don't take this personally, it's not personal and it's just for one day." She said reaching out her hand to put it over his, her eyes begging him not to see this as slam against his moral fiber or anything else.

"It's okay Cuddy, I understand."

"So maybe you can help me start planning Rachel's first birthday party?" Cuddy asked tentatively, hoping he really was okay with lying low for the DYFS inspection.

"A party for Rach?" he said widening his eyes. "Well the last party I planned Wilson was arrested for wondering the streets with no pants, so I don't know if I should be your first choice of party planner."

"It's not that kind of party," she retorted mocking him back. "Instead of strippers think clowns and cartoon characters and instead of alcoholic ice cream think regular ice cream and instead fireball shots think fruit punch.

Other entertainment could be a pony, a bouncy house, Barney, or any other cartoon character."

"Who are you inviting? her friends which is probably two kids at the park the nanny takes her to, or yours? And are trying to impress them or have something fun for her?

"Something fun for her of course. You watch TV with her. What programs does she like? And please don't say Monster Trucks or the WWF." She pleaded with a wry smile.

"Hmmn," he said rubbing his chin and then his hands, he knew this was a test of sorts to see if had the interest and the aptitude to plan for Rachel. "You know she is very musical, he said cocking an eyebrow. And her favorite movie is definitely Happy Feet."

"Oh yes, she really did love that, I remember. I've had to play bits for her over and over again. And I got her a book about Penguins.'

"Leave it to me it will be the best birthday party a one year old ever had." he said.

Cuddy gave him a smile that made him want to jump her.

The day of the DYFS inspection arrived about a week later. She had had special maid service come in to clean, as she wasn't going through what she had gone through the last time, so that when the door bell rang she was much calmer. She did have the nanny there as that was Rachel's regular routine and as she showed the same social worker around the house pointing out the child proofing and showing the nursery she felt confident that everything was under control but she was still nervous, as it turned out, with reason. Mr. Carlton was on his way out of the house when he noticed House's hat. It had been tossed on the highest book shelf between two medical books. Cuddy felt the blood drain from her face and then rush back in leaving her flushed. The shelf had been too high for her to notice the newsboy cap on the top shelf.

"Dr. Cuddy, I'm not going to even ask the question about male visitors versus having someone living here and warn you that of course if you have another member of your household they should be included in the home study. I am sure you are careful about who is around the child and choose your companions wisely, Since there is currently no challenge to the adoption you shouldn't have any problems, but just a warning if something comes up. It's something you might want to think about. Custody fights can get pretty nasty and everything is used whether it is a legitimate problem or not."

"Why are you talking about a challenge to the adoption. Do you know something?"

"No Dr Cuddy, I haven't heard anything and I doubt that I would hear before you. I just wanted you to be aware. So I think this will be the last time we meet and your adoption should be going through in a few weeks. Good luck," he said shaking her hand. "Your daughter is a very lucky little girl."

Cuddy showed him out the door and then leaned against it feeling as shaky as she had after the last inspection. Even though the man seemed nice, he always seemed to pull the rug from beneath her.

From this angle by the door she could he the offending cap and had a brief concern that House had deliberately left the cap there. He wouldn't would he? Not even subconciously she thought with certainty.

House had gotten so into Rachel's party it was hilarious and he was keeping much of the preparation from her. They were having the party at her house so she and Rachel were shooed out the morning of and House got Wilson and Chase to help him decorate. When she walked into the house she was amazed. It was totally a happy feet theme, black and white with colorful streamers that looked like the scarves of the Penguins in the movie. It was adorable. The decorations were rainbow colored and there were bright pictures of the characters from the movie all over. There was a large screen with the video playing and a table with an adorable picture of Rachel that people could sign and leave greetings on in crayon and the picture would be framed later and put in the nursery. In the corner was a mini bandstand and Cuddy looked around amazed that they had managed to transform her living room to a child's magical place. The nanny had taken Rachel straight up into the room and they were going to wait right until guests started to arrive. She had had kept the guest list small her sister and her son Robbie, her parents, Pat Johnson a Cardiologist that had a one year old. And a neighbor from down the street who had a five year old and a two year old. So all together it would be about five kids and about twice that many adults. She had read to keep first birthday parties small and short and she had adhered to that but it seemed like House had gone over the top with the entertainment. Why had she expected anything less.

During the party each child was taught how to play a simple instrument ranging from a triangle to cymbals to drums and at the end three people dressed in Happy feet costumes filled in the band and helped the kids actually play musical numbers from the movie. It was so adorable and it was being recorded. Who knew if Rachel would remember but there was no doubt that she was having the most fun as she was drooling in delight. She seemed to know that House was responsible because she kept calling to him and clinging to him and anyone would have to be blind not to realize that they had a very tight relationship and that it included Cuddy. In fact it was a bit like them coming out of the closet to family and friends especially his team who were looking at each other with smirks and giving thumbs up signs to Foreman. She was sure there had been a bet going. She fully expected to be confronted by her family about House and she was. Her sister was the first and she could tell she felt a little betrayed because they were closer and talked at least once a week, but not about this. House was the elephant in the room. The only positive thing was that her family was able to see the positive influence of House's relationship with Rachel and it was apparent to all, as he taught her to keep beat on the drums.

"Lisa, her sister said coming over to her while she leaned against the door jamb watching House with Rachel. "What's going on here Lisa, why is Dr. House acting like daddy House?" From everything you ever told me about the guy he would be the last person you would want around your daughter. "What gives?"

"You can't deny he's good with her though," Cuddy responded with a calming smile as she avoided answering her sister directly.

"Yes, too good. Like they have lots of bonding time. Lots of live-in bonding time." She added pointedly. "Is there something going on between you and Greg House. I know you liked him back in college, but I thought that was ancient history."

"Yes, there is something going on.", Cuddy admitted seeing her mother had come to join them like a dog that lived on the scraps from the pack leader she always let Linda be the advance inquisitor and picked up on the tail end."House and I are in a relationship," she admitted quietly to her mother and sister."

"How long? Linda exclaimed in shock. In that moment Cuddy looked up and met House's eyes and she realized he knew instantly what was going on.

"Just a couple months." she admitted, trying to keep things light.

"This is very hard to believe dear. I always got the impression that you did not approve of Dr. House's methods even though you admired his genius. Are you sure you should be involving him in your life?"

"Mom, he is involved. We are involved and it's going quite well so far."

"I hope you know what you are doing dear. I would think you want to get Rachel's adoption squared away before you jump feet first into a relationship."

At that moment House actually walked up to her and her family.

"I see you are a little surprised about our relationship, shame on her for keeping me a big secret."

"I think your daughter is an amazing woman. She makes hundreds of decisions a day and doesn't blink an eyelash about million dollar budgets and holding peoples professional lives in her hands. She's quite capable of running her own life and you should let her."

Cuddy looked at him trying to get him to stop defending her. It would not help his case with her female relatives. She was surprised to see it actually ha,d as they were looking at him admiringly.

"You are really good with Rachel," her mother told him practically simpering and Cuddy felt she had just slipped into an alternate universe.

"Thanks Grams, he responded playfully and her mother looked shocked but smiled.

"I think it's cake time. Grab the brat and help her blow out that big number one." House suggested looking at Cuddy.

Cuddy went over and pried Rachel away from one of the costumed Penguins. And everyone began to sing Happy birthday to the the little girl. She held Rachel at the head of the table, holding on to Rachel's hands to make sure she did not touch the flame on the one shaped candle.

"Rachel we are going to make a wish and blow out the candle like this. "Look at Mommy." Cuddy insisted demonstrating to her how to blow. "So, one, two three. Yay, she said patting Rachel's hands together. As she looked up and met House's eyes and knew he read her mind about what her wish was for Rachel.


	29. Chapter 29

Even though their home life was going relatively smoothly, House still tried her patience at work. He still slept and played in exam rooms instead of treating clinic patients, still hid out at the jogging park, on the roof and in Wilson's office. The only difference is that he occasionally tried to tempt her to hide out with him. This morning she had wanted to give him a patient and she had paged him to show up at her office or else.

"Well, I wouldn't need to sleep during the day, if you weren't so demanding at night." he would tease her. About the hiding and the playing games he'd say. "It's my working process, I'm not a machine you know. I'm not a magic 8 ball just answering questions yes and no."

"I know, you have to distract your rational brain long enough for the left side to fuse all the disparate information together and come up with an answer."

He nodded his head liking the way she was describing his process and understanding...

"Phooey, you don't need that much time to do that House. You are just being a lazy time waster." she shot back, even though she was hiding a smile.

"See now that I've admitted to certain affections, you're trying to use my feelings to get me in shape at work. Not fair, not fair," he squealed in a high falsetto voice.

"I don't have to use feelings, House, I have something far more effective, the employer/employee contract," she retorted.

"There she goes, always has to pull the boss card." he replied.

"I don't have to pull the boss card, it's just a fact. I am however pulling the patient card," she continued handing him a folder.

House gave a grimace, opening the folder and reading. 26 year old male presenting with headache fever breathing problems, and elevated white blood cells and other blood anomalies, over the last month has had seizures, mood swings, paranoia, confusion and memory loss. Then his respiration and heart rate started to fail. The last doctor suspected a brain tumor but nothing showed up on the scans. He's being flown here from Cleveland General's intensive care.

"Relatives?

"Yes, the parents left before him driving and should be arriving here within the hour. Perhaps, Cam can get them on the phone and do a history, he said taking the folder from her.

"Interesting!" He said giving her a smile of satisfaction before he disappeared through her door.

House limped into the the conference room and threw the folder on table. And began writing on the white board.

"It could be a tumor," Foreman suggested, We could do an MRI with contrast, but the respiration and heart rate problems could mean a number of things, especially the white blood cell count... seems to indicate inflammation."

"Foreman, what do you think? Inflammation in the Limbic system? Infection or autoimmune?"

"Age seems to indicate more likely to be auto immune. We should do a spinal tap and an antibodies test."

"Sounds like a plan," he said turning to the the others. Cam history, Chase MRI, 13 Antibodies test. Go." he said sending them scurrying in varying directions from the conference room.

Later that morning the test came back and it was positive for antibodies that seemed to indicate a Teratoma and a scan confirmed it was in his Testes. We'll do a resection, Chase, and then get the path results. The Teratoma must contain brain tissue and that is why is own system is attacking his brain. Specifically the NMDA receptors in his brain are being attacked because the Teratoma has brain tissue.

"A Teratoma is an encapsulated tumor with tissue or organ components of all three germ layers hair, skin teeth, brain, thyroid, liver and lung tissue may be present. Because they are encapsulated, Teratomas are usually benign,but not always. Call Wilson in for a consult. The Teratoma may be cancerous, we'll find out from pathology once we remove it."

********

Later that afternoon,when he saw Wilson's number he thought it was about the Path lab results it wasn't.

House, it's Wilson, you need to get down here to Cuddy's office. Something's wrong."

"What's wrong?" barked House. "Be specific man. What wrong with Cuddy?"

"Something about the baby." Wilson stated.

"Baby?" Asked House already limping out of the conference room while his team stared after him with their mouths open. He had walked right out in the middle of discussing the patient.

"Yes, I'm in her office, she got a call, from her lawyer I think. I think there's a snag in Rachel's adoption. She's still on the phone, but she sounds hysterical. Get down here stat!"

House was in Cuddy's office in less than three minutes. She was just hanging up the phone as he walked in. Both her hands were over her mouth as if she was holding something in and House walked across to her immediately grabbing her shoulders. "What is it Cuddy?"

"Rachel," she whimpered. "That boy and his parents have contested the adoption. They are filing for custody."

House pulled her into his arms and held her tight while she buried her face in his neck.

"What does the lawyer say? They signed away any rights to her after her birth. Don't they only have a certain time period to change their minds?"

"The lawyer doesn't think they have a good chance, because of that. They have to show some overwhelming reason they want to reign. It's supposed to be irrevocable. They could be using emotional distress, because of the death of Rachel's mother, but he thinks that would be thin. The boy is 18 now, and he could make a claim on his own, but wouldn't stand much of a chance either. New Jersey does gives fathers the same rights as mothers wed or or not, but he did surrender his rights. They had a year House. Why would they do it now? Is it's because he saw her that day?"

"It's guilt." House said with a clarity more piercing than an epiphany. Perhaps visiting Alana Hoffman brought it back for him and then seeing Rachel."

"So sorry Cuddy," Wilson said coming forward from what may as well have been a cloak of invisibility by the door. "I'm sure it will all work out. You are Rachel's mother, no one can deny that." he said. House could see Wilson was going into comfort mode, but Cuddy would not be comforted and she gave Wilson a cool soulless smile almost as if she was offering him some paltry crust of comfort instead of trying to receive some.

"I'm going home." Cuddy said pulling out of House's arms and going to pack up her desk.

There was a panic stricken look in her eyes and he knew she was going to go home to cling to her daughter. House felt helpless as he stood there looking at her. He was supposed to tell her it was going to be okay, but he was not Wilson, and could not offer comforting platitudes whether he believed them or not. As she loaded her briefcase and laptop, he fetched her coat from the coat rack. House gave Wilson a dismissive look as he held the coat out for her as she came toward the door. As he pulled the coat around her it once again became an embrace as he turned her into his arms. "Do you want me to come with you?" He asked.

Suddenly she seemed to focus on him for a minute seeing someone outside herself and saw the sadness and was it actually fear in his eyes? For a moment she thought of his feelings and his growing affection for Rachel, but his only thought was for her. She hugged him sweetly, gratefully strangely just as calmed by his fear as she was by his concern. No, she said rubbing his face as she pulled back. "You have a patient, your place is here. I just need to hold Rachel, right now," she said. "My lawyer is trying to find out more details and will let me know. I'll see you when you get home."

House had a hard time focusing after Cuddy left and it was good thing the things seemed to go smoothly for the patient after one incident during the surgery when his heart rate plummeted. They would put him on Plasma-pharesis to clear the antibodies from his blood and that should end the attack on his brain by his own immune system.

The path report came back that the Teratoma was cancerous, so he would have to have Chemo.

There was nothing else House could do here, so he decided to go home to Cuddy and Rachel.

He entered her door with his key and was surprised when he heard voices from the living room. He hesitated a moment wondering if this was a person Cuddy would want knowing he has a key. He listened to the conversation for a moment and identified that it was Cuddy's lawyer and they were discussing Rachel's adoption. His immediate instinct was to go to the living room to hear the details and that when he heard his name mentioned.

"I really don't think you have anything to worry about. They are using a couple legal loopholes and some expensive lawyers but in the end they voluntary gave the baby up and surrendered her"

"What about the Baby Richard and Baby Jessica cases, Cuddy said in agitation mentioning well known cases where adoptions had been overturned in favor of the natural father, even though the children had been with the adoptive family for some time."

"Those cases were different, the fathers weren't informed, never signed and never terminated rights. In your case even though he was a minor his parents signed for him and that was legal and binding as they were his guardians."

"The only thing you should do is keep your nose clean, and make sure you are above reproach and I'm afraid you need to put your association with Dr. House on hold until this is settled."

"What? How can you say that? House is a part of my life and Rachel's. There's no way I would put him on hold."

"Look Dr. Cuddy, if you look at objectively. Dr House has a few black marks on his record, DUI, Rehab, and some pretty erratic behavior. If, as you say, he is a big part of your life ,I think he would happy to make this sacrifice for you and Rachel. I will explain if you like."

"No, no thanks. I'd rather do it if there is anything to be done. The natural father not only used drugs he was a dealer. How are they going to say House is worse than that?"

"Dr. Cuddy these things don't always make sense and they are never fair. Do you want to risk it? Do you think it will please Dr. House if he finds he contributed in anyway to you loosing custody."

"How do you know about us, are you using a PI to investigate me too?"

"No PI needed, Dr. Cuddy, I dropped by Rachel's party remember. He arranged the birthday party and was invited to your family's Chanukah dinner. I imagine for Dr, House that is tantamount to being engaged" he said putting on his heavy wool coat and hat.

House stepped back outside the door as he heard them coming toward it, so that when Cuddy showed the lawyer out, House was on the bottom step on his way toward the door.

House acknowledged the lawyer as they exchanged places and the lawyer turned up his collar and stepped out into the cold and House entered the warm entrance hall with the crackle of a cheery fire sounding from the living room.

He closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the feeling of homecoming, before he looked into her eyes dreading what he would see there.

It was so ironic that now he had found something worth fighting for, worth trying to be a better man for, circumstance would rob him despite his best efforts."

"What he saw in her shocked him, for there wasn't consideration or even worry, but a quiet resolve and acceptance as she threw her arms around his shoulders and tucked in to him like a small bird seeking shelter from brutal icy winds.

House kissed her passionately feeling a perfect mixture of joy and dread. What he should do is admit what he had overheard and offer to move out immediately. But he wasn't ready to do it, not yet and apparently neither was she.


	30. Chapter 30

Later that night House found himself in bed wondering if Cuddy would ever come and join him. He rubbed his leg turning slightly to try to find a comfortable position. He felt something less than pain a tightness that was like a warning of pain to come. All three of them had spent the evening cuddling on the sofa in front of the TV. Rachel had been in Cuddy's arms the whole time, and she had kept her up past her bed time. He understood her anxiety, but he thought she had communicated her nerves to Rachel as the child had been much harder to settle than usual. Only now when things seemed poised on precipice did he truly appreciate how close he was to a life he had never thought to have. He knew Cuddy felt the same way. He stared into the darkness trying to figure out what he could do, the inky air concealed his expressions even as it allowed him to reveal his emotions if only to himself. This was not a medical mystery that he could solve, but there had to be a way to help. Who was he kidding, it seemed that just his presence here might be a huge hindrance. He knew she did not want to admit this and neither did he but if this custody battle developed legs their living situation would have to be addressed. He thought he would be the one to screw things up and here after all it might be circumstances beyond his control. Or was it? Perhaps he had been too impatient, too greedy, when he had come back from Mayfield.  
His thoughts scattered, as he felt Cuddy slide into the bed. They both reached out to each other, as she sought him like shelter, like healing. How would they ever find the strength to step back from this, and then he thought of the little girl with dark trusting blue eyes in the next room and knew if it was needed they would, in fact they must.  
He buried himself in her hungry kisses, pushing the dark fears from his mind and hers. He ran a long line of soft kisses up her throat, his fingers sliding down to brush the tender nipples of her breasts. For a moment he smelled mother's milk, but it did not turn him off her, quite the reverse. It was true what she had said about Rachel making her better, and more open and generous and to a degree better able to take emotional risks once she had learned the truly divine pay off to be had. He was traveling a parallel journey and Mayfield had helped a lot with the first step, but Cuddy and Rachel were beginning to open him in ways he recognized even through a certain amount of resistance lingered. He cursed that resistance, his coward's fear, but could not deny it's presence, if he believed in Karma... but he didn't. They had made a good start here and he would not let it be for naught, it meant even more than he was willing to admit. He rained tender kisses under her chin finding the hollows there trying to drown his bitterness in her sweetness.  
Cuddy's body shuddered in delight as his tongue teased her lips apart before claiming the moist inner recesses of her mouth. His twirling tongue offered tenderness and the sparking of their desires, to comfort her in the wordless way he knew best and then his own passion took over as Cuddy begin to moan and twist beneath him. His hands slid around her and down her back counting the delicate bumps of her arching spine before cupping her butt with a gentle squeeze. She was like some small exquisite bird, but only a woman could have those slender but voluptuous curves that so seduced him. He was equally besieged by his emotion and his own lust as he felt this aching need to protect and devour at the same time. His hands stripped off the last vestiges of her clothing finding the moist curls between her legs as his mouth wandered her skin, his tongue trailing her breast and then twirling around the nipple in delight, before going lower and lower. Her hips arched toward him in desperate invitation as she threw her head back moaning, her breath beginning to come in gasps as her nails left half moon marks against his skin. She gave a submissive whimper as his lips reached her honey slick core and his mouth replaced the magic his fingers had started to create rhythmically invading her recesses. His tongue matched his long lanky body and he was expert at using it to the desired effect. Cuddy's mind for further exploration. She felt elevated to another level, all fears all anxiety and all concerns washed a way in flood of hormones. His musical gifts filled her with his special pacing. She had never seen him play a violin but she felt as tight and high as an E string. Plucked to vibrate in streaming pleasure intense enough for pain until there was no where else to go. This was true bliss she thought as she rested a moment in drugged languor before beginning to give back. Turn about was fair play and she gave back an equal amount of attention and drove him to the edge of his control her hands began teasing him him to the point he had to stop her before he lost it. When they came together it was heavenly as her honeyed sheath welcomed the length of him, her legs winding around him as his hips became the driving engine of his primal moves within her. It was like a tornado of motion that stole her breath and robbed her of coherent thought.  
Sweat glistened on their bodies as she clung to him as if she would never let him go again. There were so many things she she wanted to tell him. She had expected that this moment would happen in celebration instead of consolation but it was presently the dominant facet of their emotion and no less valid than any other. She had been off the pill for almost a week as her last ob-gyn exam had shown such a marked improvement in the blockages in her fallopian tubes that Dr. Hunt was no longer recommending surgical intervention. He felt they should try the natural conception route before any further fertility treatment options were followed. They could be making a baby right now and in this time of uncertainty when the winds of destiny seemed to determine to buffet and even tear them apart, that was a very satisfying thought. Being connected to him forever was something she needed to believe in right now. As they came down from the the excess of emotion Cuddy nuzzled against him crooning in delight.

They fell asleep into a deep peaceful sleep which was undisturbed until later that night when he was awakened by Cuddy's struggles and distressed moans. She was having a nightmare. "Cuddy, "he shook her, "Lisa, "he became more insistent as she finally woke up with tears running down her face.  
"It was a dream, Lisa," he insisted pulling her close and listening to her rapidly beating heart.  
"Are you okay? he asked gently after a moment.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

At first she shook her head no,but he insisted it would make her feel better and after a moment the words began to tumble out detailing her bad dream.  
"I was back in the house where I found Rachel, and their were a lot of homeless people and drug addicts and I saw the woman the one who took care of her, but this time when I talked her into giving me the baby in her arms, it was just a bundle of rags. Somehow I knew Rachel was still there and she was just hiding her, I went through the whole house, up and down stairs, through people committing all kinds of debauchery. Then in the end when I found her, the boy had her, the biological dad and he said I would never get her. That he would keep her and raise her even if he did it wrong. 'Blood will out, he kept saying and the courts agree. There's nothing you can do. She's mine and in a few months she won't even remember you.' And then this line of crazy people came through dancing and keeping me away from them.

"Cuddy, you need to hold on, I'm the last one to give you everything will come out okay speech, but I think you are a person who needs to believe in that positive outcome and it is early days yet. They gave up rights to her they are not just going to let them march in and change their minds. That is not a show of stability. They could change their minds again tomorrow."

"I made a vow to her to be her parent for life, and I'm not going to go back on that I can't. Yes, I have thought of that moment in the future when she looks at me and says 'If my Dad wanted me, if my grandparents wanted me. Why didn't you let me go?' And I have to believe she will understand when I say it was just not just selfish on my part. That I truly believe I will be a better parent, it's not money, God knows ,because they have more of it than I do. It's not that I think they won't love her, how could they not? I just don't think they will have the dedication I have to her. I just don't believe it. The boy is acting out of guilt for not being there for Rachel's mother, and his parent's are acting out of guilt about not being there for him and letting him get as screwed up as he is. They think giving him Rachel is like buying him that shiny new sports car they can assuage their guilt and then go on their merry way."

"You are right, you just have get your lawyer to be able to show that in court, it shouldn't be that hard. The boy has a lot of issues and there has to be a trail of parental neglect, that got him there. It's just finding it. It's harder, because he was probably given every thing money could buy, but not their attention."  
"It's probably true what they said. If they take Rachel away now, she won't remember me. "Cuddy whispered the flatness of her voice making it even more poignant.  
House wanted to address there living arrangements but could not bring himself to mention it. Instead he pulled her into his arms and began to kisser her again. He kissed her cheeks, his tongue catching the saltiness, he was mostly tender, not trying to lead them anywhere except away from the the threats to a happiness too new to be granted. The years they had spent avoiding this were not wasted but more a preparation. It would be too cruel if it had the beauty and life span of iridescent soap bubble. They felt that fragile, neither would admit to the fact, especially not to each other. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

Cuddy climbed the steps of the courthouse alone. It was a large Georgian style brick building with white columns and imposingly high steps. It reminded her of when she and House had climbed the steps to see his psychiatrist. She rmembered his playfulness in dispelling there nervousness that day. Even though she had felt anxious then, she had also felt a sense of hope because House had finally shared their relationship with his therapist. Infact it had seemed to be making them real in world where the must be in secret because of their work situation. Today was a very different anxiety infact it seemed to be opposite as she felt there was once again pressure for them to hide there relationship and it felt wrong to her it felt like hiding it would ruin it. House was not by her side literally and she was beginning to think figuratively. They had had an argument that morning about him coming with her. He felt that his appearance in court by her side would necessitate eventual questions about their relationship and she thought he was premature, and that she needed him by her side more than she was afraid of what would be made of their relationship. The argument had been interrupted by both their beepers. It turned out House had a patient even though she was tempted to assign the patient to Foreman, but this man had been referred from several hospitals and needed House's expertise. He had gastric symptoms, muscle weakness, slurred speech and blurred vision, and several diseases had been ruled out at the referring hospitals. So now that he had a patient she did not expect to see him at all. He had left with some arch remark that she was acting like his mother. She knew what ever that meant it was not good. He seemed to to think she was burying her head in the sand and perhaps she was.

Her legs were shaky as she approached the metal detectors just inside the doors of the courthouse. Something about the line of rectangular metal thresholds and conveyor fed xray machines with their dark blue uniformed police attendants struck a chill in her. It suddenly seemed very real that bad things happened in this place of echoing marble floors and mahogany paneled rooms. Decisions on life and death were made daily and hourly by judges to whom it was all in a days work and even though justice was supposed to be blind and fair, it was not always. Sometimes bad things happened to good people between these walls. She beeped when she went through the dector and she stared the security guard down icily as he came toward her with a wand, running it over ramrod straight person.

"Ma'm not be personal but do where an underwire in your bra?" he asked.

Cuddy gasped even as she nodded and the man waved her through to the end of they conveyor belt allowing her to pick up her bag. Already she felt invaded and out of sorts, and she had not yet even entered the courtroom.

Today was a prelimnary adoption hearing. They would determine if the biological father had standing, if he had a right to halt the adoption proceeding since he had signed his rights away or literally his parents had. She had bitten her lips raw.

To her it seemed very simple, they had voluntarily made Rachel available for adoption. They had not even wanted to see her. How now a year later could they be allowed to change their minds. She turned around at the echoing click of a high heels that was similar to her own. She embraced her sister Linda gratefully, they had grown close over the care and feeding of her daughter. She knew Linda felt as possessive and horrified as if someone would try to take her own son Davy away. Her lawyer seemed to think they that the birth father and his parents did not stand a strong chance, the papers they signed should be irrevocable. The boy was obviously unfit in spite of his very recent efforts to change and even if his parents were the ones that went for actual custody. She went over to talk to the lawyer and her sister sat behind her and as she turned toward the door hoping against hope to see House, she instead saw Wilson. Was he the proxy, she put aside her cynical thoughts and gave him a smile as he came over to put a calming hand on her shoulder and then sit beside her sister. Introducing himself. The family law court was in a way less intimidating than the other court rooms and the proceeding was not as imposing, but quick and functionally efficient moving families and children though at an alarming rate. She did see a few children even some preteens clutching stuffed animals in one hand and all their possessions stuffed into one garbage bag and a backpack, acting as if these inanimate objects were their only sense of security. She wondered if some of these children were in the Foster Care system and she briefly left her own anxiety to fall into a well of sympathy for these lost children. Rachel could have ended up among this legion of children shifted from family to family never to be adopted or find a stable home. When their names were called she went up to the front and she saw the boy his parents and their Lion headed lawyer also went to the front. The judge was announced and her lawyer had made a sound she did not like.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"When the heck did they get Judge Pearson?"

"For us, yes," he said. He's pro birth-parent the lawyer muttered under his breath.

"What?" Cuddy squeaked a little too loud."How could you not know this?" she demanded.

"It was a last minute change. I suspect deliberately manipulated by the other side."

"Isn't it your job to stay one step a head of the competition," Cuddy said in her Dean of Medicine voice giving him an icy glare. She was beginning to wonder if she needed a new lawyer. This one was fine

for the rubber stamp adoption she had thought it was going to be, but the stakes and the competition was rising and she felt she needed to make a change. She could see her lawyer was out classed.

The judge looked over the paper work conferred with both sets of lawyers asked a few questions and then seemed ready to deliberate.

"The natural father alleges he did not voluntary sign his rights away and under advice from counselors he and his parents were unduly influenced and agreed to signing the papers. Is this still your assertion, he said looking toward the biological Dad's lawyer.

"Yes, the Lawyer agreed to the statement and said the parents also corroborated said that it was a devastating situation they had been led to believe by the counselors that letting the child go was the best and so they had convinced their son. He wanted the child, but we didn't think it would work out. We have since regretted our decision and our son has consistently regretted and petioned us to reverse this decision."

"We move to get the father listed as unfit due to his young, age history of drug use, and drug trafficking."

"Objection, your honor those charges were dropped, and Simon was a minor at the time, those can not be used in this proceeding. We've submitted statements from his doctors and counselors about his mental and health status, he has been drug free for almost a year."

This is germaine to his fitness as a parent. His recent drug problems and continued pyschological treatment."

"Don't I get to say anything," Cuddy protested to her lawyer after the the boy and his parents made a statement.

"It won't change anything and could actually backfire if he is the judge who sits for the next proceedings. The lawyer nodded abruptly, just remember anything you say will be a part of the permanent record, so if you get emotional or make accusations about the the biological family it will only reflect badly on you. I'll try to get a recess so we can go over your statement for the next advice is to wait. He is not going to make a ruling on fitness today. We have time."

"Okay." Cuddy agreed icily, hoping she could find another lawyer by then.

"Just remember anything you say will be a part of the permanent record, so if you get emotional or make accusations about the the biological family it will only reflect badly on you. Also anything you learned in the course of treating the biological mother can't be used against him unless it can proven. We can go over your statement for the next hearing."

"What is the name of there lawyer she asked?

"Oh thats Spencer Perdue, " he said in a hushed voice that had the same horrified quality as when he had given her news about the judge.

"He's well known, isn't he?"

"The best!" her lawyer agred not meeting her eyes as he adjusted his suit. He knew th writing was on the wall.

Cuddy turned around to see House in the back of the court room as she went toward the door and her countenance instantly relaxed.

She made herself not run toward him as she wanted to, but their eyes glued together in a wordless exchange of strength and comfort. She turned to accept her sisters cheek peck and invitation to lunch, really feeling close to her for the first time in years. "It will be okay," Linda whispered they won't give Rachel to some punk kid, or to his twisted parents." But to her, Linda's murmurings and Wilson's sounded similar, and placating and meant as comfort and they were, but her eyes returned agin to the man who would give her the unvarnished truth even if it hurt. That is what she needed more than anything. As she got closer to him, she noticed he avoided touching her not even reaching a hand out, but his proximity was enough, since her awareness of him was so acute, just walking down the hall close to him was like being held in his embrace. "What did you think?" she asked quietly.

"I think you need to get a new lawyer', he said abruptly. She nodded her head her eyes wide and scared.

" I will." she replied. How's your patient?"

We have eliminated, three more diseases and finally figured his immune system was attacking his brain stem, viral encephalitus, he's on IVIG to clear the antibodies, Foreman can definiteyly handle it and I have my beeper."

"Linda and I are going to lunch can you two make it?" Cuddy invited Wilson and House.. They all agreed. and just then he reached out involuntarily and touched the sleeve of her coat.

She thought it was for comfort and therefore was surprised when his fingers tightened around her coat sleave preventing her from moving forward. "Tritter." he murmured and the hairs stood up on the back of her neck as she saw Tritter from the back as he entered a courtroom near by. She felt a cold chill as she thought of what might have happened if they had been a few minutes faster getting out of court. The charges against House had been droped, but there was the DWI charge and she was so sure Tritter could find bad things to stick in her file if he thought he could cause her trouble as she had derailed his case by perjuring herself. He couldn't say that, but he could find some things to say she was sure. She turned back to look at House and saw all the ease at the prospect of lunch, was erased from him and she could tell by his suddenly hooded gaze and tightened mouth that he was more convinced than ever that he would be a detriment for her in getting custody of Rachel. While for her the thought went through her mind, that perhaps if she had not saved House then, he would have gotten help sooner and avoided crashing badly enough to go to Mayfield. Perhps he really had needed to hit bottom to seek the help he needed and she liked Nolan. She felt he had really helped House and he had made such progress. She tried to loose the goosed feeling she had as her and her sister's heels echoed on the cold marble floor.

Tritter of all people. What were the chances?


	32. Chapter 32

** Chapter 32**

House, Cuddy Wilson and Linda went to lunch an Italian restaurant a few miles from the courthouse. A beautiful Italian waiter in a white shirt and black slacks with a snowy napkin encasing his slim hips, gave them a flourished recital of the specials of the day, before taking their drink orders and serving them with warm bread and oil, which they all began to consume with gusto. Just by an exchange of a glances House and Cuddy did not tell the others about the glimpse of Tritter that had so unnerved them. Linda and Wilson tried their best to draw the couple out of their blues. Linda told Cuddy she had finally weaned Davy and next on her mommy do list was the adventures of potty training.

"Let me ask this since I three doctors here," said Linda casually. Wilson and House paused in mid munch to give her their full attention. Cuddy glanced up briefly from the Black Berry where she had been checking messages. She knew Linda liked being the center of attention and making everything about her life a drama, but for the first time in many years, she felt an amused affection, instead of impatience.

"Can't you damage a child if you are too strict in potty training?"

"With your definition of strict, no. But he might be damaged if he starts nursery school still wear pull-ups and ends up with Dooky as a nickname" House said stretching his eyes in horror.

"Fascinating lunch conversation", he continued with twisted mouth aside to Wilson complete with exaggerated eye roll.

" Oh, you're doctors for God's sake." Linda retorted, dismissing the squeamishness and the mocking, even as she apologized with a sheepish smile. "Okay, I'm working on it but it's hard, perhaps I need an Au pair or a nanny like Lisa has."

Cuddy noticed that House now seemed comfortable enough with Linda to be his mocking self, and she seemed to take it well and serve it back. But Cuddy admitted she was not focused on the conversation at all as she was now using her Black Berry to search for the top family law attorney's in the tri-state area. Now that she had Perdue's name she knew who the new attorney would have to beat. She had also asked the advice of another legal friend of hers. By the time their food arrived she had the name of three family law attorneys' that where equivalent to Perdue in reputation and experience and had won against him in at least 50% percent of court match ups. She would wait until she got back to the office to make the calls. The rest of the lunch was entertaining and all of them were laughing enjoying themselves by the end of the meal in spite of the threats that were not equally shared.

When they got back to the hospital, Cuddy had her new assistant spend the rest of the day tracking down the lawyers and setting up appointments when there was resistance, she ended up talking to two of them herself. Apparently custody cases were big business and these lawyers were booked solid and only able to offer their Junior partners. She was extremely frustrated by the end of the day, and she ended up getting the top lawyer, the one who beat Perdue in 56% of match ups. There was a but and it was a big one, he could only squeeze her in if she retained her current lawyer, Robert Faltz and his office came in as second chair. He said he did not have the time, but he would advise and prep her current lawyer even if it had to go through the appeals process.

The next proceeding, her new lawyer, Dennis Milton was in the court room, the difference between that proceeding and the previous one was like night and day. They had gotten a different judge who had declared the 18 year natural father Simon, unfit. So the next time she went to court she was feeling more confidant even now that she would have ta lawyer of Dennis Milton's reputation by her side. Now that the natural father had been eliminated, his parents had put in for a kinship adoption. Her confidence took a dive when the Lawyer she was depending on did not show up in time for the start of the hearing. They were almost up for their turn with the judge when Cuddy's Black Berry buzzed in her suit jacket. She took it out and read a text from lawyers office, he had been taken from his office to the ER complaining of chest pains. She was instructed to tell her lawyer Robert Faltz to get a postponement."

They were refused a postponement or a recess and after Perdue finished submitting professional references in psychology, sociology, and medicine, including an actual testimony by the the Governor of New Jersey talk about how many commendations and citations that had received for their philanthropic contributions, volunteerism and civic mindedness. It sounded like a resume for the next President and first lady by the time they finished. She had never heard such a whitewash. If they saved the world and lost both their natural born sons, what good did that bode for Rachel, Cuddy wondered heatedly. Her attorney was ineffectual at the cross exam, but did ask them about their sons' issues with procuring illegal substances for minors since, even though Simon's charge had been dropped his older brother had been convicted. And he finally did ask about why they thought their sons with their access to fine standard of living would find it necessary to make money in this way. The parents revealed that just because they had made a good living it did not translate to them spoiling their children with huge allowances and material goods.

Again Cuddy shook her head. How misguided could parents be to set these arbitrary rules and not see the rules were not saving their children the children needed love and engaged guidance. Any doubts she had about how Rachel would feel not being raised by her biological family when she grew up disappeared in that moment.

When Cuddy took the stand she looked up to see House enter and sit in the back of the court room. A wave of warmth and comfort reached out to her as their gazes locked. Then she began to speak.

She told the story of Rachel, very simply from the time she met her mother until the time she had found her with the vagrant addicts. Then she told how she had been informed that no one in her biological family wanted her and she was being put up for adoption. It was only then she insisted that she had taken the little girl to her heart loving her, breast feeding her making her own child in every way. Even her own sister had provided breast milk, she talked about the simchatbat and the birthday party all the celebration that had been made to welcome Rachel into her larger family. She had submitted pictures of these events as well and Rachel's daily routine painting the picture of a well adjusted child that was very much loved. Since she was just making a statement and this was just a hearing of record, she was surprised that the opposing lawyer chose to cross examine her.

"Dr. Cuddy, you have told us a little chronology of your side of the adoption story, but I would have you go further back. Is it true that this is not your first adoption attempt?"

"Yes that's true Cuddy answered trying to maintain her calm assured voice while in her head alarm bells rang as she sensed she was out of her depth she knew he was leading her somewhere that would end up making her look bad.

We'll come back to that momentarily as I want to go even further back to your attempts to have a child through In vitro fertilization."

"Objection." she heard her lawyer yell out . How is this relevant?"

"It's very much relevant Mr. to show the length and depth of Dr. Cuddy's desire to be a mother and the lengths she would go through to attain that goal. That was when it clicked in for Cuddy. She knew exactly where this lawyer was going and her eyes widened and darkened. She looked to the back of the room for House and met his eyes in a moment of distraught communication and she saw his mouth grimace. She remembered House saying. I don't have to be there to be there and she was beginning to understand what he meant even though, just having him physically in the back of the courtroom made her feel much better.

"I'll allow it as I find this relevant," conceded the judge. Please answer the questions Dr. Cuddy."

The lawyer, Perdue paced in front of her.

"How many attempts did you make at IVF Dr. Cuddy?

"Two, Cuddy said succinctly, not offering up any extra information, now that she knew the lawyer's aim was to make her look so desperate to have a child that she was 10 seconds off cutting a fetus from the womb of the next pregnant woman that showed up at the hospital. Especially if she was a sick underage teenager with self esteem and addiction problems.

"Did both attempts end in pregnancy."

"Both attempts failed, one did not implant and one ended in miscarriage ,"she detailed slowly. And after the miscarriage, you gave up. Is that correct Dr. Cuddy?

"Yes, she admitted.

"But not for long, because within a few months you were seeking adoption alternatives. And had been approved by an adoption agency. Correct?"

"Yes," she answered.

"But when you met the birth mother she was two weeks from delivery, you noticed a rash and had her admitted to the hospital and though the rash proved to be nothing serious you insisted she stay at your hospital, under your control. Is this or is this not true Dr. Cuddy?"

"No it's not true. I was concerned. And I was proved right as the baby had underdeveloped lungs and the mother had a dangerous condition a placental abruption, which if it had not been caught then could have ended in death for the mother and the baby." Cuddy replied succinctly trying to avoid getting emotional even though some resentment was coming through.

"But in the end when the condition was identified and it became a choice between favoring the life of the mother or the child instead of taking yourself off the case for being too personally involved you indeed suggested to the mother that she should continue to carry the child, even though it put her own life at increased risk. Is this true Dr. Cuddy?"

"No, it's not true. I let her make her own decision, I told her I did not want to make the decision, she wanted my advice and only mine and in the end she ignored it. She decided to deliver early."

"But you tried to influence her to delay delivery so the fetus would be stronger even though you knew it could endanger the mother's life."

"It was a judgment call based on a sound medical opinion, and I did consult with other doctors on staff. In the end she made her own decision." Cuddy insisted. She didn't want to risk herself for the child.

"You mean risk herself for your child?" The Perdue asked. "Her decision seemed to have been fine, since the baby survived the early delivery."

"The baby barely survived the delivery and it was only because we gave the baby drugs to hasten lung development. She was very lucky." Cuddy repiled.

"So Dr. Cuddy, what reason did the the birth mother give for changing her mind. Wasn't it your very behavior that ended up making her feel it was better to raise her own child?"

"No" Cuddy insisted. It wasn't my behavior, it was my joy when I held her the first time."

"So Dr. Cuddy, she felt she was giving the one bright and shining thing in her life away and she changed her mind. I'm sorry it's happened to you before, but the same thing could be said for Simon and his parents. That time was dark and scary for all of them a young girl lost her life. It was no wonder they were confused. This whole family was in your hospital under your care, and when you found there was a baby involved you had your staff call social services and your lawyer was ready to file the paper work for foster care and adoption. I'm not saying they were bamboozled, but you were perhaps opportunistic."

Cuddy gasped at the termity of the man even though she knew that was where he was heading. Through the blood rushing in her ears she heard her lawyer a day late and a dollar short yelling objections. Those are serious charges, slanderous, in fact. You better have some pretty powerful proof.

"Standard protocol was followed. Mr. Perdue. I take PPTH and it's reputation extremely seriously so if you are going to make those kind of charges you are going to have more than my personal lawyers to deal with."

"I'll withdraw my last line of questioning. Perdue acknowledged, Please strike it, Judge Turner, but there was a satisfied smile on his face. He had gotten it out there.

"Let me ask this Dr. Cuddy have you always been committed to having and raising a child as a single mother?"

"It's not that I'm committed to being single, but I have made the decision that I want a child whether I was in a serious relationship or not. I made the decision that parenthood is something I could commit to as a single parent. Research has shown that single parent families do very well and so it can no longer be considered a disadvantage, I have a supportive family and several male friends who could take on the role of a an adult male role model." Cuddy volunteered succinctly.

We all know the research Dr. Cuddy, but as you have pointed out earlier your reputation as head of the hospital is very important to you, you are not just a successful woman, you have an exceptionally demanding job that requires you to be potentially on call 24 hours a day. How does that work out for you in having a child. We already have information that your family leave after you took the child into your household barely lasted two weeks. Most women take at least 3 months, even when they have had nine months to bond with a child in utero. Could it be your career is just too demanding and the child spends more time with the nanny than she does with you?"

"No that is not true." I have adjusted my work schedule since having Rachel, which I would be very glad to show you. I have hired an assistant and I am able to do much of my work from home. I have cut back my at work hours significantly and I have submitted papers from our HR department to support this. I do have a Nanny, who is in her final round to qualify as a specialist PEDs nurse, so Rachel receives excellent care. I was myself worried when I had to go back to work but Rachel greets me in a way she greets no one else. She does call me Mommy and I am the only one who directly breast feeds her our bond is very real. I could find her blind folded and she could find me."

Her lawyer came to redirect. Asking her what was the usual protocol for an abandoned child, and she detailed the fact that there were some 12 social workers and 5 case managers on staff. When an abandoned or neglected child was brought into the hospital it was their job to contact social services right away and an interdisciplinary team was set up. Counseling was offered to both biological parents and grandparents in this case. The biological Dad's parents had declined saying they would speak to their own private therapists. He also allowed her to point out that without Cuddy's interest the child would probably not have survived or at the very least been put at extreme risk in the environment in which she had been left.

Finally they had to break for lunch and she was able to talk to her lawyer about getting a continuance.

Her sister was not able to get there until lunch time recess, and House had left to deal with a patient. She was headed to return back to court when her Lawyer, Dennis Milton flagged her down and told her they had been given a continuance. She and her sister excited the courtroom with relief, which was short lived as she ran straight into Detective Michael Tritter.

"Dr. Cuddy, Why am I not surprised to see you. It must be your pain in the a$$ employee Dr. House? I just saw him leaving the courthouse and he was rude enough to ignore me. What's he been accused of this time?"

Cuddy recoiled, not wanting to answer him but knowing it was pointless, all he had to do was check the court docket.

"I'm adopting." She said abruptly and defensively refusing to respond to the bait about House.

"Congratulations, you have many good qualities to teach a child, honesty and judgment of character might be a bit of a challenge but parents can always use the "don't do as I do and not as I say" axiom. I would have thought House was too much of an jerk to support you even after you got him off the hook. Unless... Damn," he said shaking his head as he gave her a keen glance. I thought you were too smart to go there" he said shaking his head. I hope you are strong enough to put the child first, because eventually you will be forced to choose." Good afternoon and good luck Dr. Cuddy," he nodded briefly and walked nonchalantly down the corridor.

Cuddy held her breath as she saw him hesitate when he went past Perdue, the lawyer for the opposing side. He turned back towards her and gave her a grim smile and then kept walking. Cuddy patted her forehead feeling the spurt of saliva in her mouth that fore told nausea as she made a blind rush towards the bathroom on wobbly legs. She was in the stall vomiting violently when she heard her sister out side asking if she was okay. Her sister handed her a cool wet towel when she emerged form the stall. "Who is that man Lisa? And what does he have on House?" Her sister was no idiot and she had sensed the air of menacing threat in the air. Cuddy sat weakly on a chair in the rest room and accepted a cup of water from the restroom attendant before she summon up the energy to answer.

"Why he's the devil incarnate," she whispered through suddenly tight lips.


	33. Chapter 33

Cuddy was dismayed to find out her lawyer had been taken to Newark Beth Israel not to PPTH. she was able to find out from his office his condition. Apparently he had a blockage that would need stenting versus a bypass procedure. Beth Israel had an excellent cardiac care record and he would only need to to be in the hospital for a couple of days and he could return to work in a week. Cuddy refrained from going by to seem him to tell him what a disaster court had been, she wanted the man to live. So he needed to be stress free for a few days, but he did need to get his office on damage control and she wondered if he could do anything about Tritter. As she remembered it, the judge at House's trial had realized Tritter had a personal grudge, she wondered if she could get him restrained from talking to anyone connected to her case or at least disqualified from adding anything to her file. She also wondered if such a move would make him even worse. The legal justice community rarely turned on their own, but she had to try.

Her afternoon calendar was terribly busy but her first thought at reaching the hospital was finding House. She would have expected him to be around since she texted him when she left the courthouse. The fact that he wasn't indicated that seeing Tritter had gotten to him. She looked in all his usual hiding places and then she did what she always, did, she went to Wilson.

"How did court go?" he asked looking up from the paper work on his desk.

"Not well. Perdue tried to make me look like a desperate baby hungry, career woman that wants a toy doll. My new attorney couldn't make court he's in the hospital for an Angio and stents."

"Damn, bad luck, so were you able to get everything postponed until he can get back?"

"Yes, finally, but not before Perdue did his damage."

"I'm sure the new lawyer will be able to fix it once he's back on his feet. If it's they are going with stents he should be back to work soon enough."

"I'm not so sure he can fix what happened in court today., she said biting her lip. Have you seen House?" she asked in a mix of exasperation and concern, finally getting to the point.

"No, not since early this morning. Wasn't he with you in court?" Wilson asked with the puzzled downward eyebrow.

"Yes, but he left a little early. His team paged him about a new patient, but now the crisis has passed and they don't know where he is."

"You're worried about House? Why, the leg pain?" Wilson countered.

"He's having leg pain?" Cuddy asked startled. She knew he had been having some in the morning, but if Wilson had noticed, it was worse than she thought.

"Yes, I noticed he was limping a little this morning, but I don't mean to add to your concerns. I told him it was up to him to go to Nolan, or his pain management doctor before it got out of control."

Cuddy had taken up her worry position next to his glass window, and stared out for a minute before turning to him to confess.

"We've run into Tritter a couple times at the courthouse."

"Tritter, What the hell? Is he trying to intimidate you? He can't still have the trial stuck in his craw after all this time?"

"Intimidate, would be the word I'd use."

"Well, don't take it to heart, he's probably just jerking you around as pay back for you saving House. A person like Tritter draws energy from fear so don't show him that."

"You would know." Cuddy remarked in a cutting aside. "Or maybe he just stressed you out just enough to cave."

"What he did Cuddy, was put a mirror up that showed a reflection not only of House but of all of us. We were creating this enabling safety net for him and it wasn't making him healthier or happier it was just getting him by and letting him become more and more of an isolated, narcissistic, addicted jerk. And yes, that scared me."

"Perhaps you and Tritter were right, two years down the road what would have been jail became Mayfield."

"It's bad it had to come to Mayfield, but I don't think jail would have worked half as well and may have been detrimental. He had to realize himself he had hit bottom. He would have never responded to being forced to it. I must say he tried a psychiatrist, but two things had to happen he had to be at risk for loosing everything and he had to meet a psych like Nolan who was smart enough and tough enough to end the deflection."

"Nolan is good. That's the difference between Nolan and Tritter, Nolan didn't let House get away with things because he wants to help. Tritter just wanted to show House who was the bigger bully and humiliate him."

"Tritter doesn't have anything on you or House. Those charges were dropped. Sick your lawyer on him."

"He may not have anything but he suspects things about our relationship. He would only need to put a word Perdue's ear and he would be all over it."

"Ah that's it then."

"No not directly. I could tell he's worried, though. I thought it was just about you. You know he'd rather die than admit it, but he really cares about Rachel and if he thought for a moment, that his living with you could cost you the adoption... It would destroy him Cuddy.'"

"What am I supposed to do Wilson?" she said holding her hand to her throat, her eyes becoming red and moist. "They can't bring my dating life up unless they have specific information that House is living there. I'm not going to throw everything we have built away because of what might happen when I don't think it will come to that. I..."

"You need him right now, that's understandable Cuddy, but you need to be smart too. If you two maintained separate spaces for a while, it doesn't have to mess up things. "

"It doesn't have to, but it probably will. Our relationship isn't as fragile as it used to be, but we do have a history of missed opportunity and mis communication. Now finally, we have managed to piece something together and it's working, I..

"Cuddy, House has grown a lot and so have you. I know you went out on a limb to accept him into your life immediately after Mayfield and it was against all advice especially mine but it's worked. So you feel House should do the same for you, right?"

"No, it's not some kind quid pro quo, Wilson. I just feel, that we have had to hide our relationship at work, and now his. I asked him to move some of his stuff for the Home inspection, and even though he understood, it affected him, I could tell. If we keep letting outside influences determine what we should be then won't ever be."

"Cuddy, you've been together for almost five months. You need to talk to House. The question now is, do you trust the relationship enough?"

Cuddy just stared at Wilson with wet lashes, then she quickly turned and headed out of the office.

"I have to find House."

House had returned to the hospital in a foul mood. He was mad at his fellows for not being able to come up with answer. They had been able to run the department while he was gone and now that he was back, they acted as if they couldn't piss off themselves. He was mad at Wilson for spotting his preoccupation with his leg, and was absolutely through with Tritter. He would not be allowed to touch Cuddy and Rachel or even cause a ripple of a whisper that would affect them. He would take care of Tritter tomorrow but today he had to come up with a diagnosis for this patient . He went to the conference room and looked at his fellows with impatience as he began to write on the white board. The patient a 25 year restaurant worker had presented with chills, diarrhea, dizziness fever headache, cough, muscle aches, vomiting.

"Have you searched the home and the restaurant, any chemicals or infectious sources?"

"We searched his home, not the cleanest place in the world but nothing unusual in the way of mold or even infestations, surprisingly."

"Chase and Taub walked in and said together, the restaurant where he works was closed by the health department due to rat harborage and he was helping with the clean up, so.."

"So we are looking at the rat born illnesses, Leptospirosis, MurineTyphus, Rat-Bite Fever, Salmonella enterica serovar Typhimurium, Eosinophilic Meningitis and Hantavirus."

"Eliminate according to symptoms please." House requested still standing by the Whiteboard.

"Murine Typhus is unlikely in this area, because it's caused by fleas, and it's still too cold here for rats to have fleas." said Thirteen.

"The infection can be picked up by exposure to feces as well as fleas", Foreman corrected, but you are right, probably not Typhus, because he has no rash, joint or back pain, and only a low grade fever. Murine Typhus usually presents with an extremely high fever definitely above 104."

"I'd eliminate Rat-Bite Fever. The patient reports no bites or scratches and we've gone over every inch of his skin. There's also no lymph involvement and blood work is not consistent."

"I wouldn't be so quick to eliminate it, 30% of patients with RBC don't report scratches or bites. You can also get RBC from ingesting food contaminated with Rat exudate." interjected Taub

"But the blood work, no thromocytopenia, no sepsis, blood pressure is low normal but definitely not hypotensive."

"I'd eliminate Eosinophilic Meningitis since it's an infection of the brain and occurs with an increase in the number of eosinophils, white blood cells. The organism usually responsible for it is a rat lung worm called angiostrongylus cantonensis."

"But he is having breathing problems" insisted Chase."

"It does not affect the lungs of humans, it affects their brains."

"If the neurologist says it not meningitis, don't argue."

"Okay people, this elimination isn't going well how about concentrating on the diseases that most closely match his symptoms. Salmonellaaaaa enterica serovar Typhimurium, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome, and Leptospirosis are the prime candidates, do the tests, but we don't have time to wait for the cultures. Start him on an antibiotic cocktail to buy us some time Cipro, fosfomycin and norfloxacin, follow up with Vancomycin if you don't see improvement in 12 hours. My work here is done for now. Go!" He insisted, waiting to the ducklings had all fled, before he limped to the elevator.

She found him in one of the therapeutic wet rooms where they had baths and showers for patient treatment. He was relaxing in a hot tub. The room smelled of Epsom salts and his cologne.

He looked up at her half startled from a drowse that was not quite sleep.

"I know you had a tracking device surgically installed. You always seem to able to find me these days."

"Well, yeah, even if it takes the rest of the afternoon I was planning to use to catch up, since I was in court all morning. I should of thought of a tracking device. Much more efficient." He seemed okay and she allowed her panicked fear to dissipate as she pulled up a stool and sat beside him.

I've only been in here for about twenty minutes."

"Is the water still hot?" she asked.

"Why? Are you going to join me?" He asked huskily, taking her hand and pulling it down into the water to place on his thigh.

"How's the leg?" she said her hand moving to feel for tightness, but the rigidity she felt was not his thigh but very close by.

"House", she protested.

"My oh so beautiful boss is feeling me up and you think I can control that?" he teased.

"I came to talk to you about Tritter." she protested pulling her hand out of the water before they both got distracted.

"Way to deflate a guy", He murmured sarcastically. "Speaking of pricks, that's one you don't have to worry about. Allow me to take care of Tritter. I have a secret weapon."

"What?" She asked.

"No the question, my dear, should be who?" he replied. You remember that female patient last week that had Miller Fisher Syndrome? Well at the time I thought her husband was a garden variety cop but I ran into him in the hospital yesterday it turned out he's internal affairs and he knows Tritter. Tritter's been before the panel a few times in his career and has escaped serious discipline by the skin of his teeth. He doesn't want them on him again believe me, so he's just going to drop a word, nothing serious. I'm sure Tritter will back off, he's not that stupid."

"I was going to get the Lawyer to keep from putting anything in my file, but your way sounds better as long as it doesn't provoke him."

"Tritter's an ass but he's not an idiot. Now, can we forget about him he said capturing her hand again but when she started to protest he put it on his chest which for her was just as if not more arousing especially as she was feeling such a jumble of emotions, that she eagerly leaned in to kiss him in spite of where they were. Their blood was soon more heated than the water in the tub and the air the room became thick, desire making their breathing labored.

"I don't want you to worry about me, Cuddy."

"If you are having leg pain again House, you need to do something before it gets worse. You need an appointment with the pain management doctor and Nolan too."

"Wilson! I have to remember to get some surgical glue and seal his lips shut!" House exclaimed in frustration. "You think my pain is psychological."

"House, Your pain is real but you know it has always had a stress component and I am sorry to say, I am the one who is stressing you." She said looking at him in a helpless moment of non-deflecting honesty."

"I'm not an egg Cuddy, please don't listen to Wilson. I can be there for you but it might not always be in the way you think you need."

Cuddy looked at him there was ourie feeling gripping her as if he was pulling away from her as if everything she had wanted and been so close to having was disappearing through her hands like sand.

His sudden move to vacate the tub brought her out of her chilled reverie as she went to a warming rack to grab a large terry bath sheet. She came back towards him and stood transfixed by his water glistened body for a moment, before wrapping him in the warm towel. It was a strange mixture of maternal instinct and sensual appreciation that held her until she met his eyes and saw the question there as he pulled her into her arms and kissed her heatedly.

"House", she objected as he re-wrapped the towel around both of them.

"You're getting me wet she protested. Trying to resist the excited need speeding through her veins.

"Not here, House" she insisted.

"If not here? Where?" He whispered in her ear as his tongue tipped a mind blowing tracing of her ear's cartilage."

"Your place." she said unsteadily.

"You mean my office?" Let's go."

"No, she giggled. "Your place." And she ripped herself from his embrace while she still could and bolted toward the door of the wet room. She paused turning around at the door. I'll ask the nanny to stay late. Meet you there in," she looked her watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"You're a cruel woman Lisa Cuddy. I'm counting you down," he said dropping the towel provocatively as he opened the locker that held his clothes.


	34. Chapter 34

Cuddy arrived at 221B and knocked for a few minutes before using her key. She must have arrived before House. How could that be? Had he stopped to pick up some dinner. She dropped her bag on the sofa and turned up the heat to dispel the closed up smell. House still held his poker nights here, every week and dropped by frequently to play his beloved piano but the apartment had an abandoned air.

She went into the kitchen to search for refreshment, first opening the fridge to see several six packs of beer and three tubs of dip. Poker night, she murmured in amusement closing the fridge and continuing her search for teabags. She was rewarded when she opened the second upper cabinet, finding House had laid in her favorite selection of Stash and Tazo herbal teas and yellow packs of sweetener. She pursed lips her lashes floating to her cheeks in a smile of appreciation. He had always noticed everything about her but now he seemed to use his knowledge to smooth her way instead of provoke her, though there was still quite enough of that she thought with a smirk. She quickly put on a pot and was soon settled on the sofa with a cup of tea. She removed her suit jacket and folded it across the back of the back of the couch. This felt not so much sexy as cozy, she thought as she reached for the TV remote. She had no worries she realized, her smile steeped in sensual amusement that this man could turn a flannel gown into the sexiest thing she had ever known. They had, had a few trysts at his place usually about twice a month, they were like what she had once dreamed her dates would be, but never were, for she had not even dreamed of the depth of this mindless passion they shared. There nights were hot and sexy but also caring, comfortable, and filled with laughter in a way her dates had never been, at least not on purpose. She wondered if these date nights were how things would have been between them without Rachel, and instantly bit her tongue on the bitter bile of her own thought betrayal. She believed that things were the way they should be and she would not be who she was today without Rachel, someone who could even try to love House unconditionally even if he would fail to live up to her ideal. His determined attempt is what she needed, what she had always needed.

"Where was House?" she put down the remote and her cup and began to ramble uneasily around the apartment, her mind once again on Rachel and her stomach knotting in dread. Her distracted pace ended at the piano her hand caressing the glossy surface as if she was touching it in lieu of his skin. If the puzzle was what his mind needed, then it was music, particularly the piano that his spirit needed and to her it was no accident that he didn't like anyone touching it. It was as sacrosanct as his emotions, his heart. She ran her fingers across it, she noticing that there was not one speck of dust. She was sure it wasn't the maid service, since they had been warned not to touch it as well. While he had been away, she had made sure it was covered with a dust sheet, but since then as always he cleaned it himself. The instrument's maintainance was a ritual of devotion, the way some men care for their yard and cars. She sat on the piano bench the black and white of the keys tantalizing and tempting her just like the emotions of the man. Black and white was what he was at times dark, miserable and manipulative, but at the same time caring, tender, a positive force. He often used the darkness to cover the light, it was his way of hiding his true self.. He had shown such growth since Mayfield, yet still she worried. She worried about his pain and his addiction. She worried about how he still managed to guard so much of his deepest feelings and she worried if she was leaning on him too much. She knew he was trying to be there for her the way men always think they should be, by solving the problem instead of just being there and listening. She knew that in some ways, even while he resisted the domesticity of their situation, he constantly attempted to prove himself to her as worthy of it. As big as his ego was ,when it came to the family dynamic, he doubted himself. She knew it was because of his childhood, a father who had in some way, intentional or not, made him feel less than and a mother that taught anything messy or complicated should swept under the rug. Her hands tentatively went towards the keys, unconsciously stroking them for a moment before she pressed her fingers down in a ripple of technically perfect but rustily fingered scales. She had been forced to take piano lessons for two years in middle school and while she hadn't hated it, she had easily let it go along with horseback riding and dance classes, when her focus had turned to becoming a doctor. She barely remembered any music accept the Moonlight Sonata, but dismissed that for a piece boogie jazz which had actually been her first two handed piece. It had a sassy blues rhythm which matched her mood yet lifted her up from it with it's gutsy refrain. She actually became so involved that she did not hear the key in the lock and was startled when the door opened and she guiltily took her hands from the keys turning to face him with a guilty school girl look.

"Don't stop now," he insisted sliding next to her on the bench.

"Sorry, I know you don't like anyone to touch it. She said folding her hands as if she expected to have the lid closed down on her fingers.

"Well, you are not anyone, and you are a bit past the banging stage soooo...

"A bit,"she said indignantly, rising from the piano stool with her hand on her hip. a She was floored by his acceptance of her touching his piano but she would not let him see that, he reminded her of her little nephew Davy who had a huge crush on her, but would never let her see it. Never let her touch him, since he had started to walk, she could only hug steal a hug by sneaking up on him from behind. Occasionally she dared to pick him up and though he struggled, she could see from the side and from behind, that his cheeks were puffed out trying to suppress the huge grin of pleasure that he would never let her see. House had continued her rhythm picking it up easily as she leaned against the piano watching the play of the long sensitive fingers. When he finished the song he rose from the stool those same hands spanning her waist, he picked her up despite her protest and lifted her to the piano. He had an iron like upper body strength since coming back from Mayfield, and she knew he hated a fuss to be made of his leg. You have my official permission to touch anything of mine." he said, his husky timber vibrated against lips whispers. He kissed her tenderly but with hungry skin melting sweetness. There was that awareness between them of two love conspirators with that warm glow of the coming delight. They were no longer rushing, as they allowed their desire to simmer below the surface and enjoy the anticipation and emotions that came into play with his music. She remembered him writing music even when they were in school, the intense demand and lack of inhibition in the notes in direct contrast to the way he reined and hid his deepest emotions. He played with a dedication that embraced his emotions instead of deflecting them, his body rocked in expression of the flowing music.

He returned to the piano, playing the song he had written for her the calm opening notes of music fell into the silence of the room like the ringing of coins hitting the floor and then there was the rising, passionate crescendo that seemed to come from House himself rather than the keys. Cuddy was left breathless and trembling, it seemed to be far more like hearing a bit of House's soul than hearing a piece of music he had composed for her. Even though she had heard it a few months ago, he had infused it with so much more meaning, she knew that each time she heard it it would be different and she would never tire of it. She didn't know if she would ever hear those three words she longed for but his music was a revelation that seeped into her in a way mere words would not.

She felt herself lying back stretching against the surface of the piano like a well stroked cat. She could feel the music's percussive beats rising up through the glossy dark wood and vibrating against her skin. She turned her palms downward to rest on the gleaming surface to better feel the vibrations as she stared up at the ceiling. He played tumultuously, like a storm and it was as if his fingers rhythmically striking keys, were remotely making that same impact on her ski, setting of reverberating sensations through her body. She was aware his eyes were on her, yet she continued to look at the ceiling, delaying that moment, the clash of eye on eye contact which was sometimes just too much, even though she craved it, it was too deep, too intense, and at times too intimate, like someone stirred the soup of her soul with a rough wooden spoon. So she deflected while the fingers that knew her body inside and out and worshiped every inch of it, made do with keys instead. Then not being able to resist a second longer, she turned her head to the side, the clash of steel blue irises meeting cerulean, hit her like a blow to the solar plexus. She exhaled sharply, her breath's whistling lost in the music but not on his ears or to his skin as he felt that one dry harsh gust of release as she curved towards him, her body refracted the rhythm of his song and picked up a trembling of it's own. It was soul communication, creating a soul deep hunger. Without missing a beat he rose slightly from the piano bench, inhaling her citrus coconut scent as he pressed a hot, hungry line of kisses upon her stomach where her blouse had pulled loose from the pencil skirt that kept her body straight and perfectly aligned on the surface of the piano. The soft suck of his lips, the flutter of his moist tongue was teasing and crazy making and much too brief as it ripped a soft aching moan from lips open in feverishly parched yearning. He sat back down not following up the kiss physically, but continuing to play song after song. Her body curled toward him as if she were a vine growing toward the sun and seeking it's nourishment to produce blossom. He was caressing her making love to her with his music and she was hypnotized so that when he said "I want to see you", his voice was husky with demand and she knew exactly what he meant. Her eyes never left his as she began undoing the tiny throat high row of buttons on the white blouse she had worn to court. The buttoned up ivory silk with its soft simple ruffles was saved from staidness by the sensuously feminine drape of the fabric against her shape. She sat up to slide the fabric from her shoulders the flimsy material spilling in a pool on to the shiny surface of the piano, before she sent it skittering with the final flick of the cuff from her wrist. She had trouble with the side zip of her navy skirt, and rotated her derriere so her legs slid from the side of the piano to drape closer to the front. House paused in the music just long enough to assist in this task which apparently gave him such pleasure, his fingertips following the line of the zip from the waistband of her blush pink thong down to where her real silk stockings began. His fingers slowing his greedy need to revel in her soft silk and softer skin as his hand swept up and down brushing the pleasurable mix of textures. The zip freed her shapely legs as she flipped aside the fabric of the skirt allowing it to slide to the floor. Cuddy crossed one leg over the other draping them across the side of the key board, as he continued to play, House's hooded eyes drank in her divine body encased only in blush pink silk, lace and black stilettos. She began to move to the jazzy music, feeling the beat even more so through her bottom, she swayed in front of him reaching down to unbutton his shirt displaying Patty and Selma in a full luscious dance of glory. Seeing was one thing, but as her hands brushed against his strong abs and muscled chest she sighed, her ears buzzing with the blood rushing a flood of hormones through her veins. When the music stopped she didn't even realize It, for their own music was calling to them both. House's fingertips were brushing her legs and tugging them by the ankles so that she slid over the surface of the piano to a position immediately in front of him. Cuddy slowly removed her blush pink garments, easily abandoning the lacy bra with its front closure and then the delicious cat's cradle that was her garters and thongs. House watched her unlace with extreme pleasure but House stopped her at the stockings reserving that pleasure for himself easily trading cold ivory of keys for blushed ivory of warmly scented skin. His hooded eyes drank in the beauty of her milky skin against the dark gleam of piano wood until there was nothing pink left except the dusky mauve of her hardening nipples and the memories in his head of the pink secret hidden except in tantalizing flashes as she moved her legs.

Cuddy hadn't seen him look at her in quite that way, as if she was some sculpture in a museum which had been animated just for him. He leaned over, maintaining a light touch on the keys as he started licking and biting her nipples. Cuddy was quickly aroused from the surprise of it. Then he kissed her, and she felt like her soul left her body. As he continued to play with one hand, the other imitated its mate by producing the same rhythm on her skin, his tongue soothing the tickling sensation that was left in its wake. He kissed her all the way down her body as it arched in delight, the muscled glisten of his twirling tongue sought the reflection of it pink wetness. She came in a quick agony of regret, crying out for the painful glimpse of a heaven gone too soon, but barely had she stopped crooning, before her mouth curved in the sensuous delight of anticipation, there would be more, they booth needed it..House didn't say a word, and he had yet to remove any clothes. And for ever after, every time she would look at the piano and she would blush.

His heavy eyes lifted and stared straight into hers the clash of demand and response incredible as she began to tremble with the power of the sudden immediate and visceral need.

"I want you he said " huskily and even though he didn't add the word his voice said now. He supported her as her legs unfurled and she slid off the piano her butt giving a slight flourish of music to her descent as she glanced over the keys before arriving on his lap, straddling his torso on the bench, before allowing her legs to pretzel around him. He never did anything in the middle ground there was not a mediocre bone in his body so no matter whether it was solving puzzles or cooking or making love he did it with a wild abandon that contained within the ultimate attention to detail. He gave no quarter and admitted no limitation. This could never become routine between them for she was shocked whenever she found herself locked in his sensuous embrace, and could never prepare herself for how weak it made her body, how insanely out of control she could feel.

"You have too many clothes on." she complained feverishly as he began to kiss her neck and she helped him dispense with his shirt, before her hands went greedily to the the buckle of his pants. She unclasped and and used her knees to lift her weight so that he could shuck the rest of his garments and then they were finally skin to skin. Before she knew it he had rotated on the bench so they were sitting on it the long way her legs were able to straddle the bench and on tiptoes get more leverage as even though he refused to acknowledge his injury she tried to protect it. The moved in some predetermined dance carrying the music within them aglow in dewy perspiration until it came to the drenching spring easing the glide of tender, tumescent and pulsating flesh which separate meant hunger and together spelled magic. She was grateful for years of Yoga for even in the midst of passion, her love made her not cautious but creative, as she used her ability to touch the floor to gain an angle that was incredible and so deep she heard her moans as if they were outside her own body. They barely had to move but she could not keep from moving, moving her body against his in a need that was beyond volition. She grabbed the sides of the piano bench for support as she moved faster, making him groan and whimper in awe.

He lay back on the the bench his neck crooked to watch the beauty of their meshed bodies before his fingers slid down to assist. He could not touch her enough ,there were not enough surfaces of skin and not enough ways to share his delight for her gift in not only erasing his misery, but lifting him to other worldly bliss. She moved above him, her dark curls tumbling about her shoulders, sweat beading her brow, and glistening on the tops of her creamy breasts before running down her cleavage in rivulets that were the precursors to her more southerly flows and they were both caught up in crescendo of passion and emotion.

The waves that washed over them in cycles of hunger and pleasure grew quickly to swallow all reason as she moved faster, moaning with the struggle against the impossibility of at once wanting it to never end and needing to reach the end. As her body tightened around him, incredibly he arched his body up and standing, covetously cupped her bottom as he slid her onto the keyboard his jerking motions more and more frantic. The slick heated friction of him inside her made them loose all restraints as she grabbed his shoulders, writhing against him, moaning and biting his neck, unable to express herself except with nipping teeth and piercing nails that mixed their last moments of excruciating pleasure with pricks of pain and the jangle of musical notes. He cursed the end, hating it as much as she, needing it as much as she. "Cuddy," he began to groan, seemingly whispering in tongues using the last primal jerky undulations of his body in percussive pressure within her, making a discordant clash of notes even as their spirits joined. The climax was as intense as it was achingly brief, and she cried out his name as she experienced that moment of cessation, for a moment in the eye of storm, she clung to him with all the desperation of a ship wrecked storm survivor. "Oh House," she breathed. "Oh my God," she whimpered, mewling "Greg" in his ears in gut wrenching shudders of sound. He began kissing her then, soft pressure kisses, in between murmurs of "Lisa," grateful in his release. She was going to have bruises, but as she looked his face blissfully relaxed in the wake of their passion and knew the endorphins protected him now but his acrobatics would cost him. He was the one who would willingly bear the brunt of pain for their pleasure. "Hot bath?", she said softly, knowing they would end where they began and not needing to feel his nod of agreement.


	35. Chapter 35

Cuddy woke up late turning in the bed. She turned on her bedside lamp and squinted at the clock it was 1:40 A.M. and the bed beside her was empty. It was poker night and House was usually late but not this late. When they had first started their relationship, he had ocassionally stayed the night at his place after poker night, but he had not done that for a while. She grabbed her Blackberry from the night stand and scanned through messages, seeing if she had missed a message from House or from the hospital, as she wondered if he had been called in on a patient. There was a couple messages but nothing urgent and nothing that should have necessitated House going in to the hospital.

She chewed her lip for a moment her fingers pressing his speed dial number without her mental volition. It rang several times and then went directly to voice mail. She almost started to hang up, but she her heard voice leaving a deceptively calm messge. "House, just checking to see if you are coming home tonight? Give me a call." She hung the phone up hoping she was not sounding demanding or wife like, sometimes it seemed the closer they got the more she became aware of riding that line and not treating him like a husband, but the truth was they were a family and obligations and care taking had begun to grow between them like a fragile web as strong as spun silk.

She turned over trying to go back to sleep, but could not. Why was he not answering the phone. She had to admit that looking for House during the day was a bit of a game at work, but when he carried it into their off hours it was not amusing, not at all. She thought of calling Wilson, since he had been at the poker game and might have some indcation of where House went or what he was up to. She hit his speed dial number.

"Hello," came Wilson's sleepy voice over the phone.

Then more awake, "Cuddy?" Is there a problem?"

"Not a problem that I know of, no" She murmured cautiously, I can't seem to locate House and he is not answering his phone. Were you at the poker game tonight?"

"Yes, I was there. It wrapped up before midnight and House was... he was fine. Doesn't he usally stay at his place on poker nights?"

"Not much anymore, he usually comes home. Wilson, you hesitated when you said he was fine. Was he drinking? Was he in pain?"

"Well as to the pain, not so I could tell, and the drinking, well everybody drinks beer on poker night but no one was plastered including House." There was a beep on Cuddy's line and she looked at the number.

"It's House" she said to Wilson, before clicking over to the other line. Only it wasn't House. It was a bartender from Clancys' Bar on 23rd street.

"Hey, I saw you were the last call on this phone. The guy you were tryinging the reach was in the bar, definitely worse for drink and was causing trouble with another customer. I told him to take a hike or I'd call the cops. That was about 10 minutes ago, but I just found his phone. He left it on the bar."

"Was he driving?" Asked Cuddy anxiously, "Did you take his keys and call him a taxi?"

"Lady, I don't know, I didn't get his life story. I just didn't appreciate him breaking up my bar. After that the only ride I was willing to get him is in the back of a squad car. I just wanted to let some body know so they can check on him and pickup his phone."

"Check on him?" Cuddy hissed. 'You just sent a drunk man out in the street to perhaps drive himself home? I hope you realize you and your bar could be liable if anything happens to him?"

She heard the man talking to someone else for a minute. "Hey, my partner did get his keys so those need to be picked up too. Whatever way he's getting home, he ain't driving unless he has an extra set."

Cuddy clicked back over to the other line with an snort of disgust.

"Wilson?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Was that House?"

"No a bartender at Clancy's" Cuddy hesitated a chill coming over her as it began to remind her of the night of the bus accident. House trying to call Wilson and Amber responding to the message.

"I'll go get him," Wilson said without missing a beat.

"I don't know if he will still be there, the bartender said he had left more than ten minutes ago. I'm hoping he caught a taxi."

"I'll go anyway Cuddy. I'll call you back when I track him down. You stay put."

"Of course she couldn't stay put, she was worried. She left a voice mail for the Nanny even though it was almost 2:00 in the morning and hoped she would call back since she sometimes kept the unusual hours and shifts of a nurse seeking a specialization. The nanny called her back, she was studying for an exam and had no problem coming over. That is how, by the time Wilson called her back about an hour later she was pulling up at House's apartment. Wilson had had no luck, looking for House.

When Cuddy opened the door and walked into his apartment the smell of smoke and alcohol hit her like a physical blow. She knew most of it was from the poker party but there was a scent stronger than beer and as she looked toward the sofa, she was not surprised to see House's length sprawled upon it, and in front of him on the coffee table, a bottle of scotch. She was very disapointed in him, but also relieved as she went toward him to shake him awake.

"House, what the hell are you doing? You're drunk? Why?"

He blinked at her, the drool or the remains of his last visit to worship the toilet bowl seeped from the sides of his mouth and she noticed a bruise on his cheek or hand went out to touch it in automatic concern even while her eyes spilled disgust and anger.

"Cuddy, what are you doing here? Who's with Rachel? he turned away from the hand not trusting it's intentions, while looking at eyes that threw daggers at him. He sat up slowly pillowing his head in his hands and that's when a bottle of pills fell from the sofa rolled across the floor practically landing at Cuddy's feet. She bent over to pick it up a cold hand squeezing her heart. It was Oxycodone, and dated over a year ago. He had hidden it here in the appartment and despite, all their best efforts he still had a secret stash.

"And you've got pills... Oh my God, you didn't takeany of these Vicodin?" She shouted. "You couldn't be that stupid? Not Vicodin again after all you've been through House? Not after all we've been through? You lost your freakin' mind House, you lost it! How could you even dare to risk that again! There's no way you want to go back there? You are putting your job on the line, our relationship on the line, your very sanity, House? You're putting my adoption of Rachel on the line. Why the hell would you do that?" she yelled, pummeling him in the chest as sobs tore through her. House grabbed her hands seeming to be somewhat roused from his stupor by her anger.

She went to his shelf and pulled out every book tossing half of them and not bothering to put them back on the shelf. She found another hollowed out book with a bottle with another dozen Vicodin. By the time she had torn through the whole apartment in a search more thorough than Tritters team had ever been, she had found an additional two bottles.

Houses face drained of it's ruddy color as he saw the change in Cuddy, all the fiery emotion good and bad seemed to drain from her and she became cold and all business.

"I'm not covering for you House. You are taking a drug test and if it comes back positive you will be suspended immediately."

"Is that all you think about, the damn hospital?" He asked his voice slurred.

"No, that is not all. but what is the point in discussing it, you are too sloshed to even comprehend at this point!" She snapped, bitter tears stinging her face as she felt her whole world collapsing about her ears.

It wasn't that she hadn't expected that this might happen, after all she knew the statistics, she knew most addicts had to quit several times before succeeding. She had been reading literature from Al-anon and other sources. She had planned to help him in the way she had not been able to before, but now she felt hammered. It was such an irony after last night when she felt he clutched her and all but laid bear his soul to find him tonight in the same place clutching a bottle of Vicodin and loosing his soul to his addiction, pain and misery. How could she help him now? There was Rachel and her situation with the adoption. She would never have expected this would happen so soon and definitely not in the middle of what was already a crisis. How could he crash when she needed him most? She felt abandoned and it was then when a little voice that sounded suspiciously like Wilson murmured in her ear that perhaps she had depended on him too much, expected too much. Perhaps Wilson had been right and House had not been ready for this, she had put too much stress on him.

"You made me trust you House, depend on you, I wanted your baby for God's sake." she sobbed. "The truth is I shouldn't trust you, because I can't depend on you. It's like depending on a broken stick. You are just too messed up and I must be too since I am too stupid to recognize it. You said I was in denial yesterday morning and you were right. You were right! I hate to think I have anything in common with your mother, but perhaps you were right there too. Perhaps I am as blind as she was trying to depend on a man that is too damaged to be able to give me or my child what I need. In one way I am different I am not going to inflict that on my child. I won't. God help me, Rachel is about the only thing that will make me draw the line. I know you care for her and you are good with her, but if you can't stay sober you will hurt her even if you don't mean to because she won't be able to depend on you. I have to believe you got yourself out of it once and you can do so again. Just don't wait until you hit bottom House I beg of you."

She was standing because the fevor of her emotion was too strong to do anything else but she was in his face, meeting him eye to eye. One set of steel blue eyes was teary clashing against, sky blues eyes that were bleary and red rimmed looking for truth. But truth had no part in this conversaion did it? It was about resisting temptation and accepting responsibility and she didn't know who that applied more House or herself. She had known for years that no good could come from a relationship with House, when had she gotten so weak that she convinced herself there was something positive could come from this, something good and that was when she began to cry in ernest big racking ugly sobs that produced mucus, a red nose and puffy eyes. She cried because something good had come from this, and now it was gone, all that building and weight lifting on both their parts she admitted, was it all for nought, all to come to this sorry sorry night.

Suddenly Cuddy saw him take a deep breath and she could have sworn there were tears in his eyes.

"You are right! He admitted in a defeated tone, it was just too much, I need to be by myself for a while. I'll stay here. I didn't mean to let you down Cuddy. I just didn't know what to do. It seemed helping you was hurting you and the stress was getting to me. My leg pain is back and I didn't know how to deal it was all just too much."

"You can have your space House, you take all the time you need , you can take forever. We no they no longer live together. I'll get your things boxed and delivered to you." She said remembering how she had planned to help, assist him, as he had dreamed, but all she felt was anger right now.

Cuddy was punching in the number to Wilson. She told him House was drunk and needed him at his place and she hung up before Wilson could get the list of expletives out of his mouth. Then she walked towards the door her shoulders slumped.

"Cuddy," she heard his still slightly drunk voice. "I do lo..."

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare say it now," she gulped feeling nauseous and angry that he would choose now to say it. "Sometimes love isn't enough House. You'd think twenty years would be enough to teach me that." she said sadly before turning to make a quick rush towards the door.

"Cuddy," he implored her. "I didn't take the Vicodin," he insisted. I did find a secret stash, but I didn't take it."

"She turned back to face him. And to him she looked like someone beating out flames with a wet wool, blanket, defeated and determined and thinking any light that could be hope would burn like hell fire. "I hope that's true House. I really do. The drug test will prove it and you need to talk to Nolan. Tomorrow. I'll want verifcation that you are seeing him weekly. That's for work." She insisted. I could bring drug sniffing dogs in here and test you every day, and it wouldn't matter, if you want to be an addict then you will be one and if you want to quit, you have shown you can do it. I'm pulling for you, and if you are really trying to put your everything into recovery I'll support you at work, but if you are trying to have your cake and eat it and lying and willfully not saving yourself I will report you to the liscense board myself." she threatened. "You do matter to me but as far as a relationship... That's over." she said with a finality that chilled and with that went quietly from the apartment, closing the door with a click.

The next day, Cuddy dragged herself out of bed, she felt somebody had rolled over her with truck. She shut off the alarm and curled back into a fetal position in the bed, and then she thought about how much she missed reaching out to feel the hard muscled sinews of the long body next to hers and she was driven out of the bed as if demons were after her.

She went to the shower and tried to become alert under it's spray, but it might as well be her blood running down the drain with the water. She didn't really want to be alert; she wanted remain in this self induced stupor brought on by her brains chemical reactions to the stresses of the last 24 hours. She refused to admit after so many months of careful building and growing on both their parts that it had been all been washed away by too much alcohol and the possibility of a downed Vicodin. Was she overreacting? She picked up her Blackberry and searched her messages. Nothing. She felt as if she was holding her breath for the results of the drug test. She had made her decision, she could not live with House, so why did she feel she was waiting to exhale.


	36. Chapter 36

When Cuddy left the house that morning, she had barely had three three hours of sleep. She was backing out of the driveway when she was flagged down by her neighbor across the street.

Alice Thurmond was out collecting her paper from her lawn. She was a small energetic woman with short, ash blond hair obscured by silver gray. She doted on her two menopausal, miracle children and was closer to sixty than fifty.

"How is the adoption going for baby Rachel?" she asked.

Cuddy froze lifting an eyebrow and stared at the woman coolly, she was neighborly but not friendly, and she had invited this neighbor to Rachel's Birthday party which did not include a free pass into her business. She always had the feeling the woman was slightly gloating about Rachel's adoption, as if she was thinking, 'there but for the grace God go I'.

"The only reason I'm asking is that I was concerned after that weird guy came around a couple days ago asking my youngest son questions." She said in flustered defense.

"What weird guy?"

"I told your friend Dr. House. He didn't tell you? I was bringing my son home from half-day nursery school and I let the dog out to let them play for a minute while I watered my flower beds. When I looked up there was this strange man wearing running clothes, talking to Kenny and pointing at your house. I got my boy right away and tried to find out who the man was but he jogged away and then I saw him get into a parked. It was too far down the street for me to get the tag number, but I did ask Kenny what the man said. He said first they were just talking about his dog and then the man asked him how many people lived in your house and did Rachel have a Daddy? I was thoroughly upset because I taught Kenny not to talk to strangers. I don't think he said anything about you. I told your friend all of this. You doctors, always so busy, but I thought he would have passed it on."

"When did you talk to Dr. House? Cuddy asked.

"Why, it was yesterday morning, I was late coming out to get the paper and he was leaving on his bike."

"Yesterday morning," Cuddy repeated. She wondered if that had been a trigger for House. If Perdue was investigating her living arrangements, It was exactly what he was worried about. And so it began, Cuddy's guilt began to eat at her and the regret over her overly emotional reaction the night before.

Cuddy had barely made it into her office and checked messages again before Wilson came bursting through her door. She stood up to greet him anxiously, her face the only question Wilson needed.

"He's clean Cuddy, He didn't take the Vicodin," Wilson said in a rush.

"Thank God" Cuddy said on a gasp, feeling suddenly so relieved she felt faint and she had to sit back down abruptly.

"Are you okay, Cuddy?" Wilson asked.

"Yes," she said nodding, but she was full of relief and regret. "I should have believed him when he said he hadn't taken it but he had the bottle and he was sloshed. What was I supposed to think?"

"Don't beat yourself up Cuddy, I've had my own doubts since he's been back and he has been under a lot of stress. Hell, I believed it too. Addicts back slide, Cuddy, it has nothing to do with their intention, their will power or how much the people around them care, sometimes it's just the addiction, the disease itself which wreaks chemical changes in the brain. It can become a physical as well as a mental disease, we both know this. Sometimes being doctors we know too much we've seen too much. It's not inevitable that someone will fall off the wagon and House has had tremendous support. He was extremely lucky to find Nolan, someone he can respect, someone he can talk to. He was extremely lucky that you were willing to give the kind of support and trust you have, by taking him into your home. By caring for him. You have no idea how much that has meant to him Cuddy, how much that has given him."

Unknowing, Wilson's praise was like sandblast against her skin. She did not need help with self flagellation or a hair shirt, but Wilson unconsciously assisted with both.

"But I didn't trust him. How much has that taken away?"she protested, pinching the bridge of her nose between her pointer and thumb to stem the flow of tears that were beginning to well in her tear ducts.

"You're not going to say I told you so, that it was too soon after Mayfield for him to have a relationship?"

"Cuddy, you have your reasons for having the doubts you do. All the times that House, let you down, lied to you, pretended he was detoxing when he wasn't, verbally abused you when he was, caused you to have to cover his ass at work."

"He did that stuff to you too", Cuddy shot back.

"Yes, he stole my prescription pad and forged my signature, and I turned him in Cuddy, but even after he stole a dead guy's pills, you perjured yourself because you thought he had gone through withdrawal and was getting help and he wasn't. It was a fake out. I know that made you feel like a fool and worse betrayed, for risking jail time for someone who was acting out a lie." Wilson said vehemently.

The edge of Wilson's bitterness had brought back her own sense of betrayal and denied hurt, when House had revealed to her he had been faking rehab. She remembered the exact moment, that day in the park, it was day the rape case had come in, the girl who would talk to no one but House. Getting her to open up had somewhat redeemed him in Cuddy's eyes. He hadn't wanted to admit it, but he had cared. The recent brushes with Tritter had brought a lot of those memories to the surface so they seemed fresh and recent to her, but why was Wilson still holding on to it?

"There's something I don't know about?" Cuddy countered, her eyes narrowed, suspiciously.

"What else happened between you and House after the trial?" Cuddy insisted.

"House had me deliver an envelope to his cell. He opened it right in front of me and dry swallowed. It was Vicodin." he admitted reluctantly, not wanting to throw gas on a fire that had banked.

"Who did you get it from? Who sent him Vicodin in jail?"

"The Rehab Supervisor from upstairs, the guy he called Voldemort. I put a word in his supervisor's ear and he was fired shortly after that, so don't get your hackles up."

"If someone had found those pills on you, in the courthouse or the jail, you could have ended up in there beside House. You should have told me." She insisted rolling her eyes at evidence that yet another employee had been on the take, A rehab worker peddling drugs to addicts. It was too much like the recent conversation she had with House about the pharmacy tech, Gail. House was always good at identifying the weakest link and exploiting it.

" You stayed last night, right. Where is House now? He's not in yet?"

"I took him to pick up his bike this morning and he said he had an appointment with Nolan. I wasn't sure if it was his regular appointment."

"No, his regular appointment is on Thursdays. Good, if he went to see Nolan. She was up and pacing, How did he seem this morning?"

"Hungover." Wilson said succinctly "And in pain."

"Damn, I wonder if he's called his addiction sponsor, and the pain management specialist."

" Let him handle that himself Cuddy. You can ask him about it but let him be the driver. What I was trying to say before, is that House probably gets why you didn't trust him, why you couldn't. He knows you are looking out for him here too. I think you both need to calm down and talk to each other. I think some time in your own corners may be just what the doctor ordered. He was worried about your living arrangement, maybe this is his way of giving you some space while you go through the adoption."

"I don't want space. I needed h..." she paused. "A few days ago you said that he was worried about costing me the adoption. Did he actually say that?"

"Not in so many words, it is House after all."

"Someone was snooping in the neighborhood about my living arrangements. A neighbor told House yesterday morning." She said bitterly chewing her lip."

"Do you think it was Tritter?"

"Not necessarily. Perdue is the kind of lawyer that would leave no stone unturned.

The thing you need to hold onto Cuddy is that House has made too much progress and you two together have made too much progress. I don't think he will ever again hit bottom like he did before Mayfield. I think he has discovered skills to cope, with Nolan's help at Mayfield and with you since he's been home. House's biggest challenge is making connections with people and through his relationship with you and with Rachel he has made tremendous strides. Whatever his intentions Cuddy the truth of it was that he was drunk, sloppy drunk but that's all he was. I've occasionally had more alcohol than I should and so have you. I don't think he's been getting drunk on a regular basis, he hasn't traded in Vicodin for alcohol. I know all the emotional turmoil you are going through will lead to panic, but you are on a stronger footing than you think."

"Perhaps I overreacted, but when a person with addictive issues gets drunk, it's not something that should be dismissed either. It's not the same thing as you or I. They can and do exchange addictions."

Cuddy did not see House until that evening when she was wearily packing up to go home. She was looking forward to holding Rachel and hoping to not cling to her as if she was her security object because Rachel was so much more. She knew the absence of House would put a huge whole in their home environment as he had significantly impacted their routine from what they ate to what they watched on television. Five months was not a long span of time but seemed a lifetime in the changes it had wrought in her life and in Rachel's. What could she do about Rachel, she was going to miss House terribly, God what had she been thinking letting Rachel bond to him in that way. It had been good for Rachel though, to have a man in her life, she would have to work out a way for Rachel to see him. The courts didn't care how Rachel was bonded they though even her bond with Cuddy would be forgotten in a few months and what really killed her is they were probably right at least about her conscious memory.

When House finally made an appearance in her office, she immediately launched into hurried speech to hide her regret and awkwardness.

"House I'm so glad you didn't take the Vicodin. I'm sorry I didn't take your word." He stared at her his face craggy and darkly saturnine, his breath almost seemed to be held during her words. No reason why you should he released the words on the exhaled breath the air short the words pithily cynical. He seemed to be wearing full armor he was definitely not trying to show any chinks that would reveal his feelings and so he was at his deflecting best.

"You look like hell," he finished abruptly, causing Cuddy to lose her own breath, it was the first time he had ever said something negative about her appearance.

"Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself," she shot back ironically.

"Since we're not connected at the gut, only one of us should be hungover." he snapped back.

"Did you see Nolan?" and at his nod, continued, what about the pain specialist did you set up an appointment?"

"Yes, Dr. Cuddy, is this personal or professional concern? I've got the slip from Nolan, so do you require one from the pain management doctor as well?"

He was defensive and cold and Cuddy suddenly felt hurt.

"Both, she said. "You know I care what happens to you." And her voice squeaked.

"I believe last night you said our personal relationship is over, excuse me for taking you at your word."

"You know I didn't mean that, at least not in the way it came out... I overreacted, but it was a shock."

"No I'm not sure exactly what you meant. Perhaps you can explain it for me?"

"I just meant we can't live together. I'm trying to apologize here." she said slowly, reaching a hand out toward his shoulder. He back away, avoiding her touch, and she could see the abrupt movement caused him pain.

"I don't want your guilt driven pity Cuddy. There are people snooping around work and in your neighborhood to get information on our living situation, so it's best all around that we are apart."

"Work? Someone's been here?"

"Not here, at least not that I know of. Some man approached my team when they met up for happy hour at Princeton Brewery."

"They didn't say anything?"

"No, of course not. They told the guy to get lost."

"Mrs. Thurmond told me about the guy who approached her son. Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded. I mean that would have supported your recent arguments that we needed to adjust or living arrangements."

"You were in meetings most of the day" he countered.

Cuddy shook her head, some things were bothering her about House's attitude. Just niggling things about the last 24 hours.

"The Nanny said you called the House last night from your land line shortly after I left my house last night. My question is: Where calling me to come to your place or telling me to stay away?"

" I can drunk dial with the best of them." House shrugged in deflection.

This conversation was feeling like one big deflection to her, House did not want a reconciliation, that was becoming clear.

She walked up to him and got right in his face. "What do you want from me House? I want to help you. Why are you shutting me out? Why?"

"You need to concentrate on Rachel. I don't need you to be my savior." and with that he strode back toward the door pausing to give her one last look. It seemed as if he was capturing her image and holding it, as if it was the only thing he dared hold.

"One lost puppy at a time, Cuddy, even you can't save two."

"Don't be an idiot, House. I'm not Cameron. I'm not trying to save puppies I'm trying to keep the people I care about close to me. The people I..." she hesitated over the word and a rush of air cold air robbed her of breath as House pushed open the door.

"Love." she completed, the sentence but only sound in the room was her door clicking back into place with him on the other side. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

Cuddy strode into the conference room, divorcing her emotionally charged self from who she needed to be, the Dean of Medicine bringing a case to her head of Diagnostics. The years of routine helped with this as long as she did not meet his eyes she would be okay.

"House, you have a patient. 13 year old girl, presents with rapid heart rate, muscle aches, dizziness, headache, anemia, shortness of breath, confusion, fainting, dark urine, bruising and pain and swelling in her left leg." Had she but known it her eyes were the frozen blue grey of a iced over pond, with signs warning skaters to venture out at their own risk. The previous night was hard on both Cuddy and Rachel. She had kept Rachel in bed with her for most of the night trying to distract herself from the large cold empty space on the other side of the bed.

"It's either cancer or abuse. Are the parents here?" House asked, his eyes sliding away from the chill of hers to covertly devour her face.

"The girl is definitely not being abused. The mother is here and she is very concerned, extremely devoted." Cuddy said, her uneasy stance had the skittishness of a Springbok, ready to flee a predator.

"Oh God, I can see you are already identifying." House said in exaggerated exasperation. "If you are determined to be involved with the case. Why don't you just take it? Or better yet call Wilson in for a consult. He has a sub-specialty in Hematology. Then you two can cry over it together." He said rolling his eyes as he handed her back the file.

"The girl had a CVA while riding a roller coaster at Six Flags and I have six doctors on my payroll just for situations like this. It would be inefficient not to use them." she retorted, not reaching her hadn out to receive the file.

"You could have had me at 13 year old with a stroke, if you had led with that." he retorted taking back the file. "I''ll have to agree, things work best when all the people on the bus are doing what they are paid to do. So you you get paid the big bucks to push papers and assign parking spaces and it's a waste to have you down here trying to play doctor. " he said looking at the file.

"People on the bus? Freudian?" she asked with an arched eyebrow, deciding to give as good as she got. If you even glanced at the file you would have known about the stroke." He was at his defensive best, but a little over the top which told her he was deliberately trying to piss her off and keep her at a distance. "She was given given TPA to dissolve the clot and it seems to have worked well. I doubt if she'll have a significant lasting effect but we need to find out what caused it and prevent any future clots.".

" If the roller coaster snatched her head or neck, she could have had the stroke from a temporary positional kink in her carotid," House ruminated. "We'll need a scan. So where's the father?" House asked looking up.

"He's dead."Cuddy said in a cutting way that indicated she thought it was good fate for most of the male species, especially one cranky doc who walked the tightrope of addiction and rebuffed when he needed help the most. After that exit line her hip sway was in full effect as she went toward the conference room door. House turned to begin writing the symptoms the whiteboard.

"Wow, we haven't had a mommy/daddy snipe fest in a while, honeymoon over? " Taub opined flatly.

"Lay off said turning to give him a thunder cloud look. Having the ducklings know about his relationship was awkward enough, but now that it was over it was downright painful. Atleast the looming custody case had tamped them down. "Thanks to you I know that there's always hope for the most doomed relationship. If one gesture won't work another one will, right?"  
"Gestures are the mother of intention." Taub replied with a tight smile.

"Or the cover of deception." House retorted.

"Could she have been huffing. That is the the age." 13 offered looking at the symptoms.  
"Don't judge everyone by yourself. Her Tox screen was clean" House shot back.

"She did present with shortness of breath, but her O2 Sat levels are high 90s. Anemia could easily be causing it, but we know from the stroke she seems to be in a hypercoagulated state. If there was rapid onset with the shortness of breath I would suspect a pulmonary embolis rather than drugs." said Foreman.

"Let's get a new set of blood test back and a more detailed history before we make any more guesses."  
"13 could you go take a history. I have plenty from the mother but no information about the father, just cause he's dead doesn't mean he's erased. Find out how he died. It might be a clue."

"You think this is hereditary?"

"You don't own the monopoly on bad genes, 13. Everybody's got some, it just depends on if your parents are kissing cousins whether you get two mishappen sets or end up with a disease that only requires one bad apple to make you sick, sicker, or sick enough to wish for your appointment with the grim reaper."

13 stared at him with big eyes, blinking in a startled way, because she thought they were past him deliberately being obnoxouis about her disease and life expectancy.

"What was that last bit of advice you gave Foreman and I? You know, fight, have sex or quit" she said pausing at the door to serve that salvo with a knowing look before turning to leave the conference room.

"Taub and Chase, I need you to check out the patient's home." House continued.

"Cam, make she's clear of the anticogulants, we'll have to monitor her closely for clots, but we need new coagulation studies PT, PTT, INR. The other blood tests you can do right away. CBC, blood smear to see if cells are torn or broken, platelet count, Coombs test, Lactate Dehydrogenase test. Foreman, we need a base line neuro-evaluation of her post stroke, so we can be aware of any new symptoms. She came with a contrast Cat scan, check that out, but I think we still need an MRI of the brain and carotid scan, and an Adams13Assay."

"The rollercoaster was fun! I've always loved roller coasters," said Emily in response to Cuddy's question, while 13 stood by taking down notes and looking frustrated on being pre-empted in taking the history.

"When you were on the rollercoaster did you feel your head snatch or rock in a particular way?

"No, but I did get a headache. A really bad one. It's the last thing I remember. I hope the rollercoaster didn't cause it. Then I won't get to ride them anymore."

"Luckily your mom realized something was wrong and got you in to the hospital right away."

"Yes, but she was scared to death. She thinks I am going to die." Emily said looking a Cuddy with big eyes before doing an exagerated face palm. "What am I talking about, my Mom is never going to let me ride a coaster again, no matter what you find out."

"It's going to be okay. You are not going to die. You have the best chance in the world here and we can control your condtion with blood thinners until we figure out what is causing it." Cuddy said reassuringly patting the girl's shoulder. Your Mom's just worried. That's what mother's do."  
"You must be a Mom." the girl said smiling at Cuddy.

"Yes, I am Cuddy said I have a one year old. How did you know?"

"You know just what to say. Your daughter is very lucky."  
"I think your Mom is pretty lucky too. " Cuddy said with a smile and the first warm feelings she had had since leaving Rachel. These were soon doused as Emily's mother came back into the room.

"Why do you think I'm lucky? My daughter could be dying."

Cuddy looked at her in shock..

" I don't coddle my daughter, I'm always honest with her about what I'm thinking and feeling."

"Not to second guess your methods, but there are times when keeping your own counsel might be best. Many diseases are stress related so you should probably try to reassure your daughter not scare her."

"Dr. Cuddy, just because you adopted a child a year ago. Don't presume to tell me how to raise my child. Yes, the walls around here have ears and mouths too. Actually, I'm sorry you are having custody issues, I have been through the courts and I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

"I guess I would say thank you, privacy invasion is not a motivator. Just because people gossip that does not make it okay to listen"

"Lady, I live by my wits, to do that you have to have an ear to the wind. Nothing personal. Hey, like I said I been through it. You could even benefit from my advice if things don't go well for you in court." The woman said ambiguously.

Cuddy looked up in relief when Foreman came in to take her down for a scan gladly leaving 13 to deal with this harpy of a mom. Giving a last look and nod at the 13 year old girl, she was gone. As Cuddy closed the glass door behind her she wondered how they woman had been in a custody battle if the husband was dead?

"The father died in a car accident seven years ago said 13 as the the fellows reagtered in the conference room. They seemd like they have moved a lot in the last five years, mostly east coast. New Hampshire, North Carolina, and now New Jersey, always coastal."

Taub reported he had found nothing unusual at the home. Then all six began discussing the results of the test.

"She definitely has clotting issues, looks like Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura. She has bruising" said 13.

"Could be Upshaw-Schulman syndrome (USS) "said Forman almost simultaneously. We could do Plasmapheresis to remove antibodies."

"God, you guys are thinking in sync again."he said looking giving 13 and Foreman and exasperated look. "Two names for the same disease and you are both wrong." House sniped.

"Microangiopathic hemolytic anemia." Chase tossed in."

"Do you have a medical thesaurus under the table and decied to try to impress me by how many names you can use for the same wrong diagnosis."

Everyone at the table turned and looked at each other. This was the opposite of singing House, this was House with a foot up his ss. They had no doubt the shoe on that foot was high and pointy and belonged to the their common boss Dr. Lisa Cuddy. House had apparently screwed up, but how?"

"On the coagulation study, she has an Antithrombin III defiency, now whether it was aquired or inherited we have yet to determine. Did we test the Mom?" house announced after having stolen the collective tongues of his juniors.

"Yes, her clotting study was in the normal range, so if it is inherited it must have come from the Dad. Did you ask if the Dad or anyone in his family had clotting issues, strokes heart attack, DVT, pulmonary embolism?"

"Not according to the Mother, she will barely talk about the Dad. Something fishy there." said 13.

" No matter how she has it, treatment is the same. Anti clotting drugs. She's on Warfarin while she is in the hospital. We'll probably send her home with Plavix."

"You're talking about sending her home?"

"Why not? We know what her problem is and there is a standard protocal for treating this deficiency. She can live a normal life. The case is solved. No reason to keep her here."

Just then the air was rent with the sound of multiple beepers.

"Patient's alarms just went of Sat levels are plunging. She heading for a crash." yelled Froeman as they all sped out of the conference room. It turned out Emily did have a Pulmonary embolism which they wer able to locate and remove fairly quickly.

Back in the confernce room 13 announced to the goup.

"I was right there is something fishy, registration, said this woman and girl have no history not only did the insurance info not pan out. There names are phony, no social security numbers."

House turned to look at 13. "It's a mystery, but doesn't put her health in danger."

"How is not having insurance, not going to put her life at risk when she needs meds now. Blood thinners everyday, for life."

"So what are you thinking, why is this woman lying about who she and her daughter are?" Can't be witness protection they give social security numbers and real identies. You tested the mother and child, did we do an actual DNA?"

"No, but we have enough sample left, we could?"

"So do you have to ask. Go! We certainly can't release the kid into custody of a woman if we don't even know their identities." She could be the wife a pedophile, that's had the kid locked in the basement for 10 years."

After the ducklings disperse from the conference room, House shows up in Cuddy's office.

"You and this family are getting along like a house on fire, What I can't understand is why you care so much. Does it remind you of you and Rachel?" he asked his voice gentling.

"And what if it does?" Cuddy shot back. She went through a custody fight with her daughter, she understands what I'm going through." The implication being that he didn't.

You are saying she's a self-sacrificing mother. I'm saying I suspect she doesn't have legal custody. She gave upon the court. She's been running and hiding for almost 10 years. I bet you the father is not even dead unless he had a major stroke. Her condition is hereditary and usually manifest sometime from teens to twenties. If the mother had been in touch with the father or his family, she would have known her kid needed to be checked for clotting issues. If she had been on blood thinners even asprin, she would never have had a stroke or a pulmonary embolism. Now that's abuse. I was right in the first place." He picked up the phone and handed it to her. "I think it's time to make that call to social services."

"House,you have no proof. I'll talk to the mother after you give me some evidence. Don't tell me you haven't taken a DNA test. Lack of permission has never stopped you before." she said.

"I'll let you know when we get the results back, but it's your job to find out if she's on the lamb. You've obviously bonded."

"I'll find out what I can House. Obviously if there's a problem with the insurance then the hospital will need clarification."

"I knew that bottom line would motivate you, but I know you care about this kid too." he finished in softer tone.

There it was, the collision of eyes, she had been avoiding all day went through her like an electric shock. There gazes held traped and then gentled. She always thought it was the one way they communicated with out words, soul to soul. Then why couldn't he understand she cared about him?Maybe he did understand she thought after a minute of being locked in his gaze, but the trust issues that stood between might as well be the great wall of china.


	38. Chapter 38

The next day Cuddy came out of courthouse devastated. Simon's parents, the Barton's had been awarded custody of Rachel. Her lawyer promised they would reverse it in appeal, but she could barely make herself go to work. The only thing that allowed her to hold on to some semblance of sanity was that her lawyer had been able to shut down Perdue's line of questioning about House which means they had no proof he had been practically living with her for the last five months and her lawyer had gotten her temporary custody until the appeals process was over. That could take months or years even, though she did not hope for that, just for a reversal.

House had been in court briefly that morning but had left before things went bad and she knew he had been summoned away for some emergency. She hoped it wasn't the Knox girl. It was probably good that he wasn't there after the decision, because she would have gone straight into his arms and be damned with the consequences. By the time she had cried on her sister, on her lawyer, on Wilson, on the nanny, on Rachel, and in her car, she had no tears left. She went home and spent hours with Rachel. She knew she had to go to work but she knew House had already left to go to his pain management appointment and she was in no rush to deal with the Knox woman.

House had indeed been summoned back to work. The Knox girl had a clot in her thigh and they had done an embolectemy. She needed her blood thinner increased Heparin as well as Warfarin. He hated leaving Cuddy but it was nothing he could do there. He had checked up on the patient and was back in his office when he heard a noise and looked up to see Alana Hoffman marching through the door. She looked much better than when he had seen her last. She had gained her weight back, her hair had the gloss of a well groomed Arabian colt and her skin had a nice color. A miraculous recovery from the flu that had tried several different ways to kill her. He was sure he had heard that her parents sent her to a rehab center in Switzerland to recuperate. He wondered cynically if it had also been an effort to end the friendship between her and Simon. He suddenly felt surrounded by teenagers.

"Dr. House she said excitedly. I didn't get the chance to truly thank you before I left. I understand it was your diagnostic skills and refusal to give up that saved my life," she said with a sweet smile.

House continued to throw his ball in the air barely giving the girl his full attention, until the next words that came from her mouth. You know one of my friends tried to commit suicide a couple months ago and I told him I couldn't believe that anyone could so easily throw away their life. When I fought so hard for mine, when so many others like you fought so hard. Suddenly the girl had House's full attention as he stopped tossing the ball. He allowed her to continue to gush about how impressed she was and she wanted to be a doctor herself one day or maybe a psychiatrist. House's eyes bored into the girl, smirking a little bit a the psychiatrist reference, but suddenly the pain in his leg reminded him he was going to be late for his pain management appointment and he abruptly got rid of her so that he could escape.

It was almost 3:00 in the afternoon by the time Cuddy arrived at her office at PPTH. In spite of her cosmetic attempts at erasing the visual effects of her bad day, it was apparent on her ashen face. She was milk pale with blotchy drifts of pink under her red rimmed eyes and across her nose. She knew she had to to talk to Mrs. Knox, so in spite of her state, she squared her shoulders and had the woman escorted to her office by a nurse, trying not to alert her to a problem. She had also alerted security.

Mrs. Knox took one look at Cuddy and immediately asked her what was wrong in such a sincere and heartfelt way that Cuddy could not stem the one tear that escaped. It was not the way she wanted to start this meeting in weakness, but in the end gaining the woman's sympathy is probably what lowered her barriers and allowed her to confess. They had found the girl's father had been located and the hospital was under obligation to report. At first the woman acted like a cornered animal and Cuddy thought she would have to call the security guard that was posted outside her office. Cuddy assured the woman that her daughter would have to go to physical therapy rehab for a few weeks and would not be in the custody of protective services even though they might be her legal guardians until it was decided if her father could care for her.

"Her father," the woman said bitterly. Her father was a mean drunk, he hit me okay, there was no way that I was leaving him with sole custody of my daughter. I don't want my daughter to end up in foster care but even that is preferable to her ending up with him. The only reason he got custody is that he was lawyered up to the hilt."

"You couldn't prove you were battered in court?" Cuddy asked automatically even though she had tried not to become involved in this family drama any more than she already was. It was echoing her pain far too closely.

"Court is a joke. Unfortunately you are just beginning to find that out. It's who can afford the best attorney, my husband was from a connected family, he had a team of lawyers. Here I'm going to give you this card. I hope you don't need it. It's a group that helps women like us. The woman said. Cuddy barely glanced at the card tucking it into her pocket. She suddenly wanted to get this situation resolved because she was not going to be able to maintain her calm exterior for very much longer. After allowing Mrs. Knox to speak to an attorney, and assuring her that her daughter was out of the woods, she agreed to turn herself in to authorities. She would in all probability make bail though protective service would control her access to her daughter.

Cuddy was surprised to find out with the number of hours she had been closeted with Mrs. Knox that House had not made an appearance. Where was he? It was then she remembered his pain management appointment was that day. She tried to resist the urge to call him to see how he had made out and was just picking up her phone, when there was a knock on her door. It was the security chief Mr. Dalton, and she expected a report on Mrs. Knox, but he quickly disabused her saying Mrs. Knox was on the way to the authorities in the company of her lawyer.

"Thank you for letting me know Mr. Dalton." she said politely her voice dismissive.

"Excuse me Dr. Cuddy," said the man, still standing there.

"Yes, Mr. Dalton, is there something else?"

"Well Dr. Cuddy a month or so ago you asked me to let you know if Simon Barton came to the PPTH for any reason."

"Yes, I remember. Are you saying he has been here?"

"No, he was on his way here but he never actually arrived."

Cuddy looked a question showing her puzzlement even though it was mixed with demand.

"You know we monitor the EMS/Police scanner. Well, he was on his way to the ER in an ambulance but it was diverted to Princeton General."

"When? When was this?" Cuddy insisted.

"About two months ago. I'm sorry it took so long to inform you. I had made of note of it before I was out for a gout flare up and when I came back my second in command had cleaned my desk and filed everything."

"It's ok. It wasn't what I asked you to report." she said. Do you remember why he was being transported to the hospital?"

"Actually Dr. Cuddy, I think he had ingested something and was semi conscious."

"Really, what was the date?" Cuddy said urgently, wishing the security guard had come to her sooner. If Simon was still taking drugs and they could prove it, the appeals process might not even be necessary.

"It was the evening of February 6th Dalton said. There's a transcript service for EMS, perhaps it would be able to tell you more."

"Sure, Mr. Dalton, I'll get my assistant on it. Thank you."

Cuddy realized she still had her hand on the phone but instead of calling House she told her assistant to get a EMS transcript for February 6th. If they give you any grief tell them we're conducting a survey to analyze why ambulances are diverted from PPTH to other hospitals." She knew her lawyer could probably subpoena the information but she was too impatient for that.

When House did come to her office, she was startled. She had tried to tamp down the bit of hope Dalton had raised, knowing it was her heart's desperate attempt to escape the horrific prospect of losing Rachel. House looked a her searchingly and that look hurt her. He scoured her face and body as if he could see through her to the pitiful and desperate heartbrokeness. They circled each other warily like dogs going in for a sniff. He stood back asking her about Rachel and she stayed on her side of the desk, leaning back almost into her window, her face turned in profile to him, trying to hinde her pain shadow, her chin lifted stubbornly, determined to be strong enough on her own.

It poignantly reminded her of their conversation when she had lost Joy. It had been the catalyst for their closer relationship and all that they had each been through since then and she could not believe they were standing there and things were almost just as awkward as they had been then, but she was wrong because something moved in his face. She thought it was a certain hollowing of his cheeks, a sucking in and an empathetic clamping of his mouth, as if suppressing his own emotion as his eyes held hers.

It was almost as if he compelled her to turn her face toward the light, toward him. Even though she wanted to curse at him, for searching for her emotion, for demanding it, while witholding his own, it wasn't needed. Her name fell from lips that barely moved but was murmured in that special caressing way, his voice going as deeply soft as velvet and it was her undoing. His step toward her was all it took. She quickly took the few steps to him and leaned bonelessly into his embrace with the blind trust of an injured child seeking comfort. He held her small trembling bird-like body tightly. She finally had the contact she had so longed for when she had heard the decision in court. She was glad her tears were spent because she would not want to really sob even though her occasional hiccuping heaves were the dry equivalent. He was not the man to lie to her about everything turning out okay but just the rhythm of his heart beat and the warm band of security of his arms was enough.

"What the hell happened after I left court? he asked finally when she leaned back to look up at him.

"The crazy thing is, I really don't know." she said, slightly ashamed of her moment of weakness. My lawyer said this judge came from Maryland where they have the biological presumption. Which I guess is just as bad as the judge we got rid of. At least I get to keep Rachel during the appeals process."

"This lawyer you have now seems pretty good, but do you trust him? House asked seriously.

"He almost guaranteed me he could get it overturned in appeal and you know lawyers don't do that, so I have to believe him. Though it could have had something to do with me clinging to him hysterically." she whispered.

"I doubt that. Seriously, a lawyer of his reputation is not going to lead you on just to keep his suit dry. I think he's right, these judges are purely seeing the biological angle. They just need to register that these parents already have two strikes against them with the kids they have raised. Cuddy looked at him pensively and was about to tell him about what she had found out from security when something about the tired way he was leaning on his cane reminded her about the pain management.

"You're still in pain? Please have a seat. As Houst took a seat on her sofa, she went to sit across from him." How did the pain management appointment go. Didn't they give you anything to help?"

"I was late. The Knox girl had a clot, but they got it pretty fast. By the way, I heard you got the Knox woman to turn herself in and her sister is going to be temporary guardian. The father is in pretty bad shape, from a stroke three years ago. That was pretty fast work," he said with a glimmer of admiration, knowing the situation had made hers all the more painful.

"So you were late..." Cuddy prompted with an expectant head tilt.

"They gave me a TENS box. "he said with a rueful smile.

"Transcutaneous nerve stimulation? Are you kidding me? That's been around for decades, and it's temporary at best."

"That's exactly what I said, but he did it as an emergency stop gap measure and he used trigger point injections of steroids as well. It actually is working okay, but I can't stand for too long. He wants me to keep a pain diary and come back in a week."

"Did he offer up any possibilities for a more long term solution?"

"Sure. Actually he seemed pretty thorough, he knew all the things I had tried; the Vicodin, of course, but he had actually read the file remembered everything from the Ketamine to Methadone, and Morphine the Acupuncture. He even guessed at some of the other stuff. He's not an idiot. We discussed synthetic opiates, pehaps a change in conjuction with Nolan of my antidepressants, Radio frequency ablation or an implanted pain pacemaker. It's had a lot success with Iraqi vets but it works best for direct spinal injury."

"I thought the Accupuncture was helping and as I remember it, TENS didn't work that well for you in the past."

"Shh, my leg might hear you." he said wryly. Actually Acupuncture is good most of the time, and the physical therapy and massge help but there's still break through pain. What he said is I will probly have to end up using a combo and switching it up as needed."

Cuddy's assistant buzzed through to say she was leaving for the day. House and Cuddy looked at the darkness outside and then at each other, realizing it was time to go home, to their separate residences and neither of them wanted to do that. There was a tug of heart and spirit that had nothing to do with mental reasoning or responsibility. Their awkward pause after the previous conversational roll that had felt so intimate, so in the pattern of the routine they had acquired over last several months. Telling each other of their day, embellishing details of the bare bone events that were already known by the other, she missed that, just as much as she missed the physical. Cuddy knew she wanted to be at home with Rachel, but she had a certain piercing pain of wanting House there too, of needing that comfort, but they weren't living together, not anymore, she thought as they parted at the outer doors of PPTH going in separate directions.

House leaned against his bike, his hooded gaze following her walk to the garage elevator. She turned for a moment to look back towards him and he pretended to be checking the gauge on his bike. He saw the security guard come out of his booth to accompany to her car, as he donned his helmet and kicked off with a loud roar of his engine. It would be a long ride through the night. He needed to blow away the cobwebs and distract himself from the pain, and he wasn't thinking of the pain I his thigh. He was on a flight from his own demons, since he had no reason to rush home. On an echo from years past, he could hear his boss asking him why he was rushing home. She had snapped, out the smart aleck question, a quick blade thrust to the heart, piercing so cleanly, it bled with the slow after effect of a ribbon of red from a paper cut. It was ironic that years later it would be Cuddy herself and her daughter who would teach him the utter depths of emptiness implied in those words. "Home. To what?"

############


	39. Chapter 39

Cuddy went home and immediately took a long, hot shower trying to warm herself from the constant internal shivering. She ate her dinner as a disciplined chore and it may well have been lumps of "Soylent Green" from all the taste or satisfaction she received from it. Then she went to peek in at Rachel who was sound asleep. She sat in the rocking chair in the nursery folding Rachel's sherbert colored laundry and putting it away. She knew the nanny would take care of it tomorrow but even these small tasks gave her joy. Every onesie, pant and dress reminded her some milestone the child had reached. She was growing so fast she did not stay in these outfits for long, but each outfit marked a notch in Rachel's development. She was wearing the pink outfit with deep fuchsia flower buds the first time she stood up on her own and the striped yellow dress when she took her first step.

She rose from the rocking chair and went over to Rachel's crib to lean over to nuzzle her fresh baby scent as the nanny had given her a bath before Cuddy got home. She realized she was doing anything to put off the evil moment when she we have to face her bed alone. She had not even dressed for bed and had instead put on one of her slim fitting but comfortable black yoga pants with an oversized pink T-shirt. Only when she had pulled it down over her hips did she realize it belonged to House. She was on her way out of the nursery when Rachel gave snuffling little whine sending Cuddy back over to the crib. She patted her for a few minutes but Rachel would not be soothed and Cuddy picked her up. She checked for all the usual problems and she was dry, not hungry or thirsty. She refused water and even her binky. And then she said it on a long wail and Cuddy wondered if it was her own angst or if her child was a mind reader. "Daaaac." she whined, twirling her starfish hands in the particular way that indicated fractious desire. Cuddy's guilt kicked in for she had meant to find some way for Rachel to see House even if it meant having to take her to work so she could spend some time with him.

She walked Rachel around the House jiggling her to try to calm her agitation, she wasn't feverish or teething she just seemed to have a bad case of Housitis, just like her Mommy and when they passed the book shelf and Rachel reached for House's cap, Cuddy let her have it thinking it would soothe her but it had the opposite effect. She played with hat putting on her head and over her face, inhaling his scent and then started to cry louder. Oh my God, it was exactly how she felt the night before when she had held Houses hat in her hand and wondered if she had deliberately kept the hat instead of packing it with the rest of his things.

Now what to do about Rachel, she made a sudden quick decision and grabbing a light jacket and a blanket for Rachel she was out at the car buckling Rachel into her car seat. She was hoping Rachel would fall asleep on the drive but she did have a particular destination in mind. She noted that the wind had picked up. She thought they would be getting rain.

House had arrived home after an hour on the road. He had taken the 206 out of town and could have kept going forever, the darkening sky had the brooding gustiness of a brewing storm. It fitted his mood, but the coming rain bid him to get inside... He was sitting at the piano picking out a tune trying to keep his eyes off the bottle of bourbon on the shelf near his desk. He was not only thinking of his loneliness but of hers. He knew it would be a hard night with the news she had about Rachel and he wanted to be there for her, but he couldn't be. He cursed himself as he got up about to go across to the bottle like it was a mistress calling with promises its promise of distraction. It was then that he heard a tentative knock on the door. He opened in it to Cuddy and Rachel and his shock could have not been more complete. Even though it was still balmy, Cuddy had Rachel wrapped in a light weight blanket.

"Cuddy what are you doing here? Is something wrong?" He asked abruptly. At the the sound of his voice, Rachel popped up out of her blanket turning to reach for him like some small grinning jack in the box clown.

"Daaac"she yelled with glee, her snaggle toothed grin and those big blue eyes looking at him with such expectation, he felt like the grinch when his heart grew two sizes in one day.

"She insisted on seeing you tonight." Cuddy said softly.

"And you just couldn't say no?" House questioned reaching his hands out as Rachel practically lept into them.

"She misses you." Cuddy said. "You've been a big part of her life."

"I'm noticing use of the past tense." he said dryly.

"Tiss," said Rachel leaning forward to press her lips against his rough cheek.

"Flirt," he responded with a small laugh."When you become a teenager, your mommy is going to have so much trouble," he said rubbing noses with the girl before swooping her high in the air to her giggling delight. House walked with Rachel toward the piano, and sat her down on the bench beside him while Cuddy stood back watching in dread. He apparently thought better of that position and moved her to his lap for more support. It was one thing letting Cuddy touch the piano, but letting Rachel. Cuddy was something short of appalled.

He played a simple tune and amazingly Rachel was able to pick it out. He let her have reign over his flat keyboard at home, but somehow he made her understand this was different and she obediently awaited his instruction. He played he favorites the Nut Cracker Suite and parts of some of the songs from "The Sound of Music" which he had used to try to teach her notes. House had trained her come in playing two notes at his prompt and she was so pleased with her participation in the songs., she kicked her legs in an ecstacy of excitement. House played and even sang a little Raindrops on Roses to Cuddy's and Rachel's delight. Cuddy blushed as she remembered her last time on that very bench.

House went through some Shubert, Beethoven's and finally Brahms. Rachel was contentedly leaning against House as he played and Cuddy was not surprised to see her drooping eyelids. Briefly House's smile echoed Rachels, such a quick glimmer of tenderness in the curve of his lip, that she could almost think that she dreamed it. House picked Rachel up and brought her to the couch where Cuddy was sitting. He layed the sleeping girl beside Cuddy who seemed to have gone into a bit of a trance herself before going across to a space near the closet that still held Rachel's Pack'nplay, which he popped open and set up in less than a minute. It was when he came back to get Rachel that Cuddy protested. She looked sleepy herself and the rain was coming down in sheets accompanied by the rumble of distant thunder.

"You don't need to go back out in that, Cuddy, you should stay here tonight." House said pointing out his window to the stormy night.

"Stay here?" Cuddy objected her, eyes widening as sleeply relaxtion shattered in a million pieces and scattered to the four corners of the room.

"I can't House, I..."

"It makes perfect sense, look at the weather out there, Cuddy. Don't worry about me. You can have the bed, I'll take the sofa," he insisted. "I'm not going to jump you, unless you ask me nicely. Or maybe that's what you are afraid of."

"Your narcissism never ceases to amaze me." She snapped. Not wanting to wake Rachel, she rose and came over to get in his face. "Not everything is about you House." she said pointing at him practically jabbing him in the chest. I apologized for the other night, If you can't or won't accept it, there's nothing I can do about that. I just can't take discussing it right now. I may be on verge of losing my little girl and it breaks my heart. I can't even conceive of a future without her, I can't. I can only think of one day at a time, live one minute at a time. When I was putting away her laundry tonight all I could think about is one day soon I could be packing up her things, for the last time. She could leave my house forever, her whole world could be turned upside down and I don't have a way of explaining it to her, she wouldn't understand it if I did and she won't even remember me. How can I make this horrible situation better, how do I live with it?"

House stared into her eyes and even though her lips said all her misery was due to missing Rachel before she was even gone, her eyes told him something else.

"Why do you need to negate everything?" he asked echoing her words from another time. Not to be narcissistic but he saw double pain in her eyes, and she was trying to compartmentalize and just focus on one. She was using one pain to distract herself from the other sort of like a TNS box. He knew if it was what she needed to do he should let her, but it did not stop him from pulling her into his arms and holding her so tightly that all the fight and anger and eventually even the pain began to drain out of her. She went to the play pen and arranged Rachel into a comfortable sleeping position covering her with her blanket and tucking her in, while House went down the hall and came back with bedding for the sofa.

"I can't allow you to take the sofa, House, you are already having pain, a night on the sofa is not going to help that."

"Cuddy, you're not going to get a good sleep out here, and you are already having problems sleeping and eating." Seeing the negative shake of her head. He said "Come on, we'll share the bed."

" No way, House." she protested.

"Ah, you don't think you can share a bed with me without wanting to jump me." There was a brief quirk of his lips so brief that you'd swear it was a ghost smile except the after trace of the faintest dimple that flashed his stubbled cheek.

"Can too. It's you Gregory House. You're the one." She retorted.

"Bet." he said walking toward her in almost pantherish challenge.

"Whoever makes the first sexual advance looses!"

"Looses what?" she asked back.

"Has to be at the other's beck and call for a whole day."

"Not at work." She said immediately.

"Fine, we'll make it a weekend day."

"Not sexual." she countered again.

"Damn, wouldn't that make it worthwhile?"

"What would be the point, if it would just postpone things."

"Well if you make sure you are the winner you won't have a problem."

"Okay, House. It's a deal," she said reaching out to shake his hand.

"What counts as a sexual advance?" He asked, holding on to her hand.

"Touching," she snapped jerking her hand back.

"Not fair, touching could happen by accident or in our sleep. It has to be a deliberate move, like kissing, caressing or foreplay,though I'm a little OCD about touching that huge thing you sit on."

"House, if you can control it at work you can control it tonight." she protested again.

"I don't know, I might have to ask you to tie me up." he said suggestively. Or put on a white coat and play Dr. Cuddy Dean of Medicine to put the fear in me."

Cuddy was blushing, feeling overheated just discussing this, but it was more alive than she had felt all week and despite the danger she knew she was all in, she followed him back to his bedroom with a spring in her step. She elected to keep her clothes on and since they were comfortable and light weight, it was not a problem. House disappeared to take a showered and some how she was not surprised when he strolled out of the bathroom in his birthday suit walking around the bedroom in the all together like it was going to turn her on. Who was she kidding, it was turning her on, and she shut her eyes in dismay at the waves of heat that were already suffusing her body. Then she quickly opened them, not wanting to miss a thing. When he turned off all the lights except the bedside lamp she did deep breathing and calmed herself. She had put a rolled blanket between them in the large be and she hid a smile of her own as it reminded of some old Doris Day movie.

When House slid into the bed and felt the wall she had created between them with the blanket he actually laughed out loud. "Woman you must really must have the hots for me. Six days without me and you have to build walls! " he said his tone relaxed and teasing and too much like the bird that swallowed the canary.

"No, it's you that has the hots for me." she insisted weakly.

"You're right, it's been six days since I tasted you." He turned toward her to whisper much too close to her ear. "I'm burning up right now, which is why I dispensed with my clothes. Just so you know I'm lying here waiting for you to take advantage of the situation."

"House," she protested. You are not being fair."

"Fair? Is that a word you associate with me? I'm not the one in denial here."

Cuddy decided to cease talking to him. He was just trying to provoke her so she went back to using her breathing techniques to calm her body and mind. Except it wasn't working, in the quiet darkness she could still hear the rain outside and in the room she found herself focusing more on his breathing than her own, so it was not relaxing her. Not at all.

"I found out something new about Simon today?" she said suddenly wanting to distract them both from the direction they there hormones were flowing.

"What? House said gruffly, like someone irritated to be pulled from their fantasy just as the rewards for picking lint from a belly button was about to payoff.

"Simon was on drugs as recently as two months ago. There are EMS records of him being taken by ambulance after ingesting a substance. It sounds like it was an overdose and this was just two months ago. Right before he went for custody."

"How did you get his information?" House said in a quiet suddenly alert voice, he used just before he got an epiphany.

Cuddy told him about the security chief coming to her and everything he said.

"I think Cuddy it was more than just a accidental overdose, I think Simon tried to commit suicide."

"What? Oh no." Cuddy said holding her mouth in horror as she sat up in the bed and turned on the light on her side of the bed so she could see House.

"Yes, Alana Hoffman came to see me today to thank me for saving her life and she was on about this close friend of hers who had tried to commit suicide and how she was so mad at him he because she had fought so hard to live."

"And you automatically think it's Simon. Teen suicide is high, it did not have to be him."

"What was the date he was transported, Cuddy?

"February 11th.Why?" she asked.

"What was the date, when he saw Rachel with us in the hospital?"

"It was early February...it was the 10th, I remember because of the interview panel for your friend from Mayfield." Cuddy slid the dig in almost unconsciously but House ignored it.

"The timing fits Cuddy, I'm sure of it. And if it's true, Simon needs more help than we thought and he should not be around a small child right now. He is still living with his parents right?"

"Yes, Cuddy ruminated. I'll call my lawyer back tomorrow, I already told him, but he didn't think we could get the case reopened in trial court just for that , since it's the parents going for custody not Simon and he is still convinced that we can win on appeal. I was a little disappointed that he did not take it more seriously, but if Simon did try to commit suicide that is a lot more serious. I'm beginning to wonder if that's why his parents agreed to go for the adoption in the first place."

Cuddy mind was still churning with the possibilities, excitement and guilt twined together in equal measure. Fifteen minutes later, House was snoring regularly. As she reached over and turned off the light, she couldn't believe he had fallen asleep so fast. This time his deep breathing relaxed her and the last waking thought she had was the knowledge that it had finally stopped raining.


	40. Chapter 40

The next morning Cuddy woke up with a hard ridge under her side and the familiar feel of a large warm hand gripping her butt. House's hand had made its inside her yoga pants and undies and was possessively cupping the bottom of her derriere. She was turned toward him, their bodies were loosely entwined, and her cheek rested on his arm. Crazy it had only been a week but the smell, the warmth, the odd security the cradle of his arms gave her was like the calm bestowed upon an infant listening to it's mother's heartbeat. A liquid relaxation flowed through her muscles, resulting in a drip of drool on the side her mouth. Yes, she was that relaxed. His even breath whispered through the damp curls on her forehead, and the awareness of his hard, long, lanky body curved in a protective "C" around hers.

It was blissfully nostalgic, and as she turned her head slightly, she could feel his breath warm her lips, and nose. She found herself inhaling. It was like the old dive's tale of the cat stealing a baby's breath, but it was in fact like stealing time from something that had already changed forever. So she was not thinking of the ridge at her back, or the numbness of one hand. She was not thinking of challenges or bets, she was not even thinking of deflection of emotions or denial of bodily pleasures. She was thinking this felt like heaven.

She just wanted to drowse in it half asleep like this forever..., but then there was a sudden change in the tenor of his breathing as he left REM sleep and became more alert, a sea change happened in the bed, it went from being a calm, balmy harbor to a sea whipped alive with a thousand sparkling currents in the gusts before the storm. Suddenly the rolled blanket which had been less noticeable than a pea beneath her, had the feeling of a brick wall. Wall, it was a wall, or should have been, she remembered horrified. Her panicked impulse to withdraw quickly before she was discovered became still born as he began to move and mumble, his hand caressing her bottom in a slight squeeze that moved her closer so that she felt the hard impression of his morning reaction against her.

"House!" she shrieked, loosing all hope of invisible retreat. Her squeal wakened him, and immediately his eyes popped open. "That's an advance House! You lost!" she asserted, trying to move away from him and he instantly stilled but did not release her.

"You've got to be kidding? I just woke up to find you all over me, so how is it that I lost?"

"Where's your hand, House?" she asked challengingly. "I certainly didn't put it there."

"Where is your hand, Cuddy? And Cuddy was horrified to find her hand on his chest, his male nipple trapped beneath her pointer and middle finger.

"I was trying to push you away. It's not my fault that you came to bed naked" she insisted weakly, wondering why they were still in this position.

"I felt you had enough clothes on for both of us." he retorted, moving his hand to tug at her yoga pants, sliding them down her hips a few inches

"House, what are you doing?" she protested.

"You said I lost the bet, right?"

"You sooo lost." she almost sang it with a taunting smile.

"Then I have absolutely nothing left to loose," he said rolling on top of her, to trap her small body between him and the bed. The ridge of the wall was under her back, no longer uncomfortable except that it raised her body and increased the angle of the contact between them.

"So when do you want me to be your love slave? Pick a day! Any day! I'll bring the cuffs, yours chafe." he retorted gleefully.

"The bet said the winner would have the looser at their beck and call it said nothing about it having to be for intimate services." she shot back. Temporarily loosing her caution in the exhilaration of the win. "You should have specified. I might ask you to do yard work and baby sit Rachel." She laughed.

"Yes, I should have specified skin services only. Mistress?" he cocked a brow. "Do you need me to provide any intimate services for you this evening?" he continued in suggestively deep voice.

"Oh you mean a massage, a body scrub perhaps?" she said refusing to be intimidated.

"It's a win-win for me," he laughed.

"Don't be so sure.."

"I can demonstrate? You can take me for a test drive right now. No choke chain, and the only whip, will be the creamed variety. You left marks last time." He lied outrageously in an oh so husky voice.

"House, you are crazy, those must be your shower fantasies.", she giggled helplessly.

"Duh, that's been established. And you are the woman in bed with me when all my recent fantasies and delusions have been about you. So what does that, my dear, loco smitten, concubine say about you?" he intoned looking so deeply into her eyes that she felt hypnotized. It was like everything in the room had stilled except their breathing as glacier blue met sky blue and fuzed with the heat of a thousand suns.

"House," she moaned protestingly, when his hands slid from her back to her front, glancing over a hip bone, with an odd tap of his thumb which he seemed to know vibrated her core like a tuning fork. His hand continued it's journey, caressing her stomach, at once concave and slightly rounded on the southern end before the slight dip where her abdomen rose to give way to her mound. One hand slid even further into her pants, barely touching her, yet so intimate in the way it fit in the cradle of her thighs claiming her. His mano, large but the opposite of clumsy it's skill and subtlety had the light dextrous touch of the naturally gifted pianist, as his fingers barely bent the dark whispers of dewy hair there. The tips of his fingers plunged. suddenly, sensing and spreading her honeyed wetness in a frank and daring move that skipped several zones in their usual order of foreplay.

It was bold and she was startled but suddenly right there with him. How the heck was he able to do this, take her from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds. She was no high performance car, but the sound escaping her wantonly open mouth sounded like the purr of a well maintained engine and the utterly devastating sharp kick of earthy visceral desire that arched through her core like turbo jets. He had leaped right over any decision she may have felt in control enough to have make, because her rational mind had just burned to a crisp and she wanted her clothes off as much as he did. They became a mass of fiercely tangled legs, arms,flying hair and acrobatic twists, as hunger ripped through there bodies like internal tigers with claws and wide open harp toothed maws. Finally they found a coordination as House ripped her pants and undies off and down her legs in one swift motion and the T-shirt and bra came off with another. Suddenly she was as bare as he, and they were out of control, as desire thrashed through them.

She had a massive ache in the exact place she needed him to be, and as he grabbed a hand full of her hair and twisted it to still her demand so that he could impose his own. A hiss whistled from between her clinched teeth as the the moisture of his mouth met the heat of her skin, his mouth closed over her nipples sucking and nibbling the hardened nubs. It was like the reverse of their usual progression from tender to passionate. This was something beyond passionate it was utterly and urgently without bodily boundaries and then moments of unexpected calming sweetness like an oasis before being thrown back into a raging roil of furious heated passion. He kissed down her abdomen and when he would kiss her there, she screamed her refusal. The feeling roaring through her gut was almost too intense and she couldn't take it, not in that instant when she wanted more of him than a tantalizing tongue. She needed weight and thickness and something that anchored her raging core.

"I need you House," she groaned pulling his face back up to hers, she whispered against his lips. " Inside me. Now." she insisted,her hands followed the hair harrowing down his chest, leading her to his hardness, that throbbed in her purposeful hand. House gave a guttural groan as she fondled the length of him and nothing loath to fill her demand, he used his hand to part her thighs as he slid between them, and poised outside her entrance like a gentleman harness for a moment his animal gluttony. This tip touching her teasingly, like the tenderest velvety mushroom of pleasure,parallel nerve ending creating sparks, and increasing the pulsating insistence of their need. Before the driving life force of him was unleashed upon her and it was like being caught in a log break, the flow of water juxtaposed with the wood it carried in a surge of inevitable physics.

"Oh my God House, she moaned, biting down on his shoulder to keep from screaming and waking Rachel. He froze for a second, drawing back and forcing her to meet his eyes to make sure she was okay and what he saw there caused him to catch his breath like a swimmer getting ready to go under water as she began to move against him in urgent demand.

It was something beyond pleasure something that was as primal as the satisfying thrusts, in the tightness of her skin's embrace, desire beyond their control. Her nails dug into his back and he gave a gasp of pleasure,skewered with pain as he felt her tighten around him and felt her trembling thighs he held on long enough to follow.  
Her hands gentled, sliding possessively over his sweat slicked shoulders, still wanting more, still needing the essence of him. She kissed him hungrily seeking the secret hollows of his head, neck and chest where their tears and perspiration met in salty reunion. She searched like a child collecting shells at the beach treasuring the broken beautiful ones the most, due to regret and lost possibilities of perfection. The passion they shad hared inevitably brought sweetness in it's wake, with no need to speak of their feelings they curled unselfconsciously in each others arms and slept a sleep as peaceful as the one enjoyed by the small child in the next room.

When House awoke for the second time that morning it was to a stillness, a deadly quiet, he did not even have to get up to know they were gone, but he did. Wrapping himself in a robe, he hobbled toward the living room to have a look. It had been perfectly restored to it's state when they had arrived last night. The Pack n' Play had been folded and stored back against the wall and the throw she had briefly used for cover was back on the arm of the sofa, even the bedding he had taken out for the sofa had been put away, their presence had been erased, gone without a trace he thought. The scent and taste of her lingered on him and he had no fear of delusions. She had been here, they both had, and now they were gone and he was alone again. He had almost turned back towards the the bathroom to run a bath, when he saw the small white business card lying on the carpet close to the door of his apartment. He made his way over to pick it up, curious, it must belong to Cuddy, he thought briefly scanning the card, his pose struck by a sudden stillness like an animal attempting to play dead to fool a predator. The card read The Dillard Group and a P.O. Box and phone number. It was the tag line on the bottom...Do you need help to escape physical abuse, custody abuse, or any threat to you and your child? Women,we can help. He looked at the card in his hand and he felt as if he was free falling down an elevator shaft. Was Cuddy planning on leaving with Rachel? The mother of the patient had gone on the lamb with her child and seemed about to escape any serious jail time, He knew Cuddy had probably gotten the card from her, but why had she held on to it?

He had known that ever since Rachel had come into Cuddy's life he would never be number one again, but looking at this card and thinking she could just walk out and leave the hospital, her family and him, forever, he suddenly felt very far down on her list.

He had known at times at the hospital that she put him over other doctors, it was not in a clearly preferential way, but if it came down to the wire he knew she would take his side over anyone at the hospital, even over Wilson who was a personal friend as well. Most of the time he thought it was due to his value as her hospital's biggest asset or some guilt over his leg. He knew it was not just for him personally. When had anyone ever put him first, not even his own mother, so like a miser he had scraped up what he could get and saved those instances, not gloating as some people may have thought but treasuring, cherishing, greedily, that little bit of regard his starved heart could get from her. It didn't matter that it came from admiration for his brain's workings or his ability to be ruthless about doing what needed to be done to save a life, At times he hadn't cared what her motivation was, only that it was. He would gladly lick the crumbs of her attention from the floor, because he had felt it was all he deserved all he dared hope for, it was something.

When she had perjured herself on that stand, her eyes wide and scared at her own termity, had met his briefly, and became determined and as suddenly calm and as cold as steel in her lie for him. She was a rules maker, but also a rules breaker when necessary, just like him. It had been such a massive turn on, when she lied for him, he had wanted to jump her right there in the jail. There was something that happened that day, like an underlying acknowledgment that they were not yet willing to recognize consciously.

When he had first learned that she was going for adoption, it was different from the IVF, perhaps because she had involved him in it. But when he had followed her and Wilson to the baby store, it was then and there, he had felt a tearing away of the status quo, as if things would never be the same. She had not even discussed it with him, she had told Wilson, and that had hurt. It hurt more than he had ever expected because, he realized it was already to late to make a move. He had made do with that regard for his gray matter and the occasional eye sex, in the walls of the hospital for too long, but his realization had come too late. Bad timing, the story of his life, of their life. He had, had a chance of coming first, of being number one in her heart and her head, but he had let his 832nd chance whiz by without even knowing it was gone or that it might be the last.

It was a miracle, he was a lucky SOB, that she had given him chance 833 and straight out of Mayfield, no less, that leap of faith should earn her spot in heaven, not hell. Her faith had almost convinced him he could at least be a close second to Rachel and work to deserve that spot, but he had screwed it up he realized even with the best of intentions, he could just not get it right, and he had fallen once again. She had lost her faith in him. Even though the taste of her was still on his lips as he looked at the card he could not help thinking he was not even in the count anymore if she could even think of running with Rachel. That is a move that would separate her from the hospital, her family, from him, and from any legitimate legal status. If this was true, if she was considering this, not only was he not a close second, he wasn't even on the radar. He felt as if someone had ripped his heart from his chest.

He could understand wanting to sacrifice for Rachel, when someone was that fragile, that trusting and was actually depending on you, it was a very powerful thing. Hell, he had sacrificed for her, he had fire bombed his relationship with Cuddy perhaps more permanently than he knew. But in that moment, even as he knew he would probably make the same decision again, he couldn't let Cuddy do it, not for him, but for her and for Rachel. A life on the run was no kind of existence.


	41. Chapter 41

The next morning,when House entered PPTH he felt he couldn't directly confront Cuddy she would just dig her heels in and become stubborn. Also, since they had gotten additional information on the biological family, he had time. In all probability the case would be overturned as her hot-shot lawyer promised. Then it wouldn't come up. Why then did he feel he had to know if she had even considered it. He felt a pull on him to suss out this information. It was not just about the puzzle, he felt a need to know the true state of her thinking, but how? How would he figure this out with out confrontation? He had tried to not to bring Wilson into the middle of their communication as much, but he felt somehow in red alert mode and he needed his friend to bounce ideas off. He found Wilson was with a patient and he bidded his time. Pacing outside his door, smiling at the irony that the pre-Mayfield him would have just barged in and demanded he get rid of the patient, tout de suite. It was only a degree of difference, he allowed, because he knew his pacing was visible and audible to his friend through the glass door.

Finally the door opened and Wilson escorted the patient out with a tight but curious smile on his face. He held the door open and bid House to enter with an exaggerated bow and swish of his hand.

"I didn't think you'd need my couch anymore now you're on Nolan's twice a week."

"Ha, Hah, not funny. And Nolan has a chair." House said pulling a face at his friend, but Wilson saw immediately that House was distracted.

"What's wrong?" Wilson asked retreating to sit behind his desk looking at House with the narrowed eyes and tilted head of an inquisitive bird.

"Cuddy stayed over at my place last night." he bit out.

"Great, good news! That is good! Isn't it?" Wilson asked arching his brow.

"Yes, it was good! Don't go there." he exhorted Wilson with warning pointer extended as he saw the smile of barely suppressed prurient interest curl the edges of his bottom lip. "She brought Rachel, at least that was the primary reason."

"By reason, read excuse. You are not going to tell me she spent the night and you two didn't jump each by the time Rachel was asleep," Wilson interjected.

"I wouldn't quite use that horn-dog, frat-boy terminology but..."

"Dr. House, playing a grown up. How long can it last?" Wilson mocked. "Okay then, a family evening ending in mind blowing sex! Great! What am I missing? I know you are not trying to move back in, cause until she gets custody of Rachel, you guys should be maintaining separate spaces."

"No, I'm not trying to move back in, but there is understanding and then there is just letting things happen."

"Ah, you're saying you are not back together, and you just had a night. She just made you her booty call?" Wilson's smirk was still born as he noticed his friend, was no longer even attempting to respond to his jokes. Well you were ther House, if you wanted a discussion you should have stated one. Is that's what is bothering you?"  
"No, it's this," he said pitching the card, so it went skimming across the wood surface the desk, Wilson catching it before it fell in his lap. Wilson looked at House, then looked at the card and read it.

"What the hell? Wilson said looking at House, with an amazed eyes under a wrinkled brow. "Wait, wasn't your last patient on the lamb with her daughter? Is this card from her? I know Cuddy had a hand in talking her into turning herself in. Where did you find it?"

"In my apartment this morning, Cuddy must have dropped it out of a pocket or purse. The thing is even if she did get it from the patient last week. Why was she still carrying it?"  
"You don't actually think that Cuddy would runaway with Rachel? " Wilson shot out in amazement. "That's absurd. Cuddy has too much here, her family, the hospital and you. I know she loves Rachel but there's no way House."

"You're sure."

"Yes, I'm sure. You've lived with the woman, how can you not know this! She is not the tuck tail and run kind!"

"What if she has no choice, you didn't see the melt down she had after the the last decision."

"I did see it, I was in the courtroom, remember, but she probably did hold it together as much as she could. I think she probably saved the worst of it for you. See that's what I mean, she needs you and Rachel does too, last night should have proved that to you if nothing else. Don't project your own insecurities on her. Cuddy is not going anywhere. Don't screw it up!" Wilson said with a concerned grimace.

"There's nothing to screw up!" House said a little more reassured but still doubtful.

"Well, I'm sure Cuddy would be insulted to hear you refer to time spent with her and Rachel as nothing."

"I didn't mean it that way, it was something but I'm not reading into it. My life in the land of delusions is over."

"Is it? Is it really House, or has it just taken another turn?'

"What do you mean?"

"That you in you manipulative meglomania, can't resist trying to overcontrol and manipulate things. That when you go from analyzing others to thinking you know what's best for them and how to bring it about, you're headed for self destruction."

House for once was struck dumb and Wilson continued with even more assurance rising from his cahir to point a finger at House.

"Yes, Cuddy overacted the night you were drunk and she knows that now, but I have this suspicion House. This sneaking suspicion that is really getting louder every day." He pointed an accusing finger at House, shaking it for emphasis. "Yoouu, let Cuddy think you were worse off that night than you actually were. Yoouu wanted her to kick you out!" I'm right, aren't I? aren't I?" Wilson demanded. "You were worried about that living arrangement. You torpedoed the relationship deliberately. Very risky House, and you hurt Cuddy and freaked her out, you really damaged yourself with that bright idea. Why not just talk to her for God's sake?"

House stared at his friend for a moment, with a repressed tight smile that wasn't a smile at all. "I'm not admitting to anything. Things that night were not that clear cut or simple and if Cuddy ever gets that idea, I'll know where she got it from. And your future ability to father children will be at extreme risk."

"I wouldn't be surprised if Cuddy already has the idea House. She's no idiot and if she wasn't emotionally overwrought, she would tumbled to it already."

"Damn it! Wilson. Then you stay away from her. I don't need your help screwing things up with Cuddy I'm perfectly capable of doing that on my own." House stood up abruptly not even wincing, his face grim.

Cuddy rushed into PPTH, her tight-skirted walk in high speed mode, she was over an hour late. Even though she managed to look her usual calm self on the outside, inside she was a seething cauldron of emotions. She didn't regret last night even though it had made her late getting Rachel back to her house that morning. By the time she had showered and changed for work, she was over an hour later than her usual time. She wondered what the first meeting with House would be like? She wasn't in a rush for it, she didn't know what last night meant, their feelings came through whenever and whichever way they touched. It had been raw and needy but no less lovely for that. Last evening she had felt welcomed, needed and cared for, she and Rachel had needed that. It had felt like having their own little family back and having been without it for over a week, she could admit it was more than the physical she had missed, it was the moral support that he communicated much more with his touch than with his words. Today, it was she who wanted to avoid words. Unfortunately he was right. At this time, it was better that they did not live together, but Cuddy knew even refusing to put words to what they were doing, would not prevent the growing closeness and her burgeoning need. She would not be able to maintain the distance. She would want him more and more and living apart would not be enough. She didn't know how long this custody case with Rachel would last. Her lawyer Dennis Milton, felt the case would be overturned in a couple of months, max, but Cuddy knew cases could drag out for many months, and sometimes years.

Even though House, had been the one pushing her to consider how their living arrangements affected Rachel's custody, she didn't know how he really felt about them maintaining a relationship with separates places. It was at this point that she ran into Wilson, she tried not to involve him in their relationship, but if she wanted to know House's thinking, Wilson was her best bet. Could they have an understanding and maintain the closeness without getting sucked in. She needed his friend to bounce ideas off of and she might be able to get a read without Wilson even knowing.

"I need to talk to you" Cuddy said following him toward his office.

"I'm busy now Cuddy, I have a patient waiting."

"Are they dying." Cuddy asked.

"Yes."

"In the next hour," Cuddy pressed, knowing she was being difficult, but she sensed Wilson was trying to avoid her and if he was, there was a reason.

"House! My have you changed." Wilson called her out. "Just give me couple minutes to give some test results." he said continuing down the hall while she stood still in the middle of the hall, a silly smile on her face.

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	42. Chapter 42

"What's wrong?" Wilson asked cautiously, retreating to sit behind his desk as Cuddy entered his office He was trying not to feel a sense of deja vu, not wanting this conversation to end on the same note as his earlier one with House. When Cuddy came to his office it was usually because something was bothering her about House, and he was hoping it was not the same suspicion he had floated to House this morning. He felt he was playing high stakes poker and he was not up to the task. His friends knew him too well.

"Nothing's wrong. Have you talked to House today?" she asked brightly.

"Briefly," he admitted, in a quandary about whether to admit he knew she had spent the night with House.

"You know, " Cuddy accused with narrow eyes.

"Come on, you can't expect House to keep that big a secret, he was singing for God's sake. "What a Beautiful World", in fact," he teased, rolling his eyes. The best defense was a good offense and he was suddenly not opposed to making his boss blush. His mistake was getting carried away with the heady sensation of a momentary reverse in power. "That's good! Isn't it?" Wilson asked arching his brow.

"Don't go there Wilson." she said firmly in her Dean of Medicine voice which effectively ended that mischievous cat and mouse game on it's first play.

It was hard to believe that Cuddy could sometimes confide the most intimate things to him as if he was her best girlfriend and at others send him back to his cave with his balls in his hand. By the mere quicksilver change of her voice he knew which Cuddy he was talking to and to choose to ignore it would be at his own peril. He didn't envy House that, but he absolutely knew House would cross her lines and push her patience to the limit, which is probably why she had fallen for him in the first place. One day he would pry this history out of them, the fact that they could keep it a secret, not only from him, but from everyone, was telling. Loves' young dream turned to Romeo and Juliet in an instant, he suspected. If not an actual death then a wish for one, for something told him their twisted never ending relationship had been set in motion by something that at once forever bound them together and ripped them apart, to remained like charged magnets attracting and repelling into perpetuity.

"So what does last night mean? Wilson said pensively, his thoughts showing in suddenly thoughtful brown eyes. "Have you two made up? I know you're not trying to move him back in until Rachel's custody is settled?"

"No, and I don't know what it means, Wilson." She said pacing. "Things just kind of happened."

"Well first, you got two people dressed, one a toddler, loaded a diaper bag, strapped her into a car seat and drove to 221B and knocked on the door. Seems some premeditation went into it, but that's just me. I'm sure what you meant is that once you were in his apartment late at night with a sleeping Rachel tucked in, then things just kind of happened." Wilson remarked with dead pan flatness belied by the skeptical lift of one eyebrow and the provocative tilt of his head.

"Wilson," she protested giving him a frustrated look. "You know what I mean."

And to this he held both hands in the air, if not in understanding, then in concession to her need to continue.

"Ah, you're saying you did not officially make up, and you spent the night with no discussion about where you stand? I'm sure House doesn't mind being used. If that's what is bothering you?"

"God, you're in a weird mood Wilson. I'm not House, so this little one up game you two play, is of no interest to me."

"I understand if you only want to play games with House." Wilson continued. He was trying to avoid talking about anything serious, he was finding he did not like being caught in the middle between these two when they were this angsty.

"Wilson, this is no joke. We are both going through a lot right now. Perhaps clarity is too much to ask for. House's pain got bad enough to send him to the bottle, and almost to the Vicodin bottle. He's going to Nolan and the pain specialist, so I don't want to give him extra stress right now. We both know his emotions are connected to his pain level."

"Cuddy, I remember it was you, who told me that House is not an fragile egg, and that he had to be up to the rigors of a relationship because he was in one. What happened to that woman?"

"Well, maybe I was wrong, there's no denying his pain is back, and it's tied to stress . You can say I told you so, any time." she said, sitting down on his sofa with a sigh.

"Don't go the guilt route Cuddy, House will not thank you for it. He just wants you and Rachel to be okay, more than anything, Cuddy, and I think when this case is settled. He will want to get back what you two are building."

"It's still not just about Rachel. I have to know that House is handling things, that night was serious, he drank, he cuddled with a Vicodin bottle and even if in the end he didn't cheat, the temptation is always going to be there."

"Is that how you see it? As a betrayal? It's about the addiction and pain, Cuddy, not about you. Yes, that temptation is always going to be there, even if it grows fainter it will never go away, so that is something you have to accept with him, like his leg, and to an extent his screwed up personality. Nolan is not a magician, if you can't accept him with the warts, cut him loose."

"I did accept him, but that doesn't mean I can accept every thing he does."

"You've admitted that you overreacted, Cuddy. " Wilson replied feeling the conversation getting too serious, wanting to pull back.

"Perhaps I did, but I think it's because I was meant to." Cuddy shot back suddenly.

"You don't think?" Wilson said with something just shy of a shit-eating grin. He was toast. "You think House would put himself at risk, sacrifice himself to make sure you keep Rachel?"

Cuddy suddenly peered into space as if getting an epiphany.

"It's exactly what I'm thinking and I need to stop, or what happened that night will be minor compared to what I do when I see him. Sacrifice!" she hissed angrily. "There is no way House can guarantee I keep Rachel short of offing the whole Barton family. If he put himself at risk that way it's just stupid, and that's not House. Playing mind games on the other hand is.."

"You think he deliberately let you think he had gone back on Vicodin?"

"You were the one that implied it."

"I suggested it as an unconscious thing not a deliberate premeditated move. Not that I wouldn't put it past House, but he had to know he would devastate you. I can't see him doing that."

Cuddy had clammed up, her face had gone pale and pinched and Wilson cursed his loose tongue. He had to get to House before Cuddy did, because if this was a real possibility she was going to rip him a knew one. Wilson decided to give one last salvo for his friend. You fight for everything else Cuddy, you fight for funding from the board, you Joan arc yourself with the insurance company, you are going to go to the wire for Rachel. Why don't you fight for House like that? And I'm not talking about his practice of medicine or keeping him on staff by keeping out of jail. I'm talking about the purely personal stuff. Is it that the thing you want most, you can't fight for? Would the fight of your life make it too important, would failure in this be too heartbreaking to bear if you don't make it after giving your all in the attempt? That's always been House's problem. I didn't think it was yours too."

"What the hell do you think I was doing when I let him move in with me after Mayfield, Wilson. That was not for the hospital. That was me fighting for House, for this thing between us. And it's turned out really well, didn't it." she laughed. And it was not a happy sound, but tragic one.

"It's not the the end Cuddy, and for the record I think it turned out really well for both, heck for all three of you. It can't be perfect all the time".

Wilson briefly wished he had big enough stones to ask Cuddy if she thought running with Rachel was another guaranteed way to keep her and wasn't that also a stupid risk. But he didn't believe Cuddy would do that and he realized that that doubt and fear was in his friend's mind as much as the delusion had been and since he did not share it, it was his friend's question to ask not his.

House saw the urgent text from Wilson, and shook his head. He would torture him later. Now he had to to figure out the best form of damage control for Cuddy's freak out. Wait it out or get it over. Perhaps he could use her anger to get her reveal the reason she had held on to the escape card.

"What was was her mood when she left you?" He texted Wilson back too disgusted to hear his friend's voice.

"Sad." Came back the response.

"Damn!" House sat down in his chair and reached for the magic eight ball. She had not returned his call from this morning when he had wanted to talk to her about the card he'd found. He did not want to ring again with no result.

For the rest of the day, the three friends were tied up. House had a patient, Wilson, was giving a student lecture and Cuddy was in a board subcommittee meeting, it suited them all, because not one of them wanted to see or talk to either of the other two.

Cuddy was leaving her meeting when her Blackberry buzzed. She was running late for her meeting with the lawyer. They had a court date tomorrow and were just reviewing what would happen.

"Dr. Cuddy, your attorney Mr. Milton is here to see you."

"Yes, show him to my office. Offer him refreshment. I'll be there in two minutes. Thank you. Vanessa."

Cuddy was a little dismayed when she entered her office and saw House sitting behind her desk looking at the chair across from him and she was even more dismayed when she went towards her desk

and was able to see Dennis Milton was the occupant of the other chair as both men sprang to their feet."

She decided to keep it professional even though she gave House a blistering look.

"I hope any business you have with me is not urgent Dr. House as I'm going into a meeting with my private attorney. I'll be free in about half an hour. Will you please excuse us?"

"Cuddy, I found these airline tickets for a trip to Israel. One way tickets. Seems a strange time to be making vacation plans." House said with a baiting edge and a still watchfulness as he vacated her chair and let her slide between it and her desk in preparation to sitting down. She felt suddenly as if she was on the witness stand as she saw the itinerary on her desk and felt two sets of watchful judging eyes upon her.

"Those are not tickets, they are vouchers, not that it's any of your concern. Can we discuss this later?"

She said with a meaningful look toward the attorney.

"As your lawyer, he has to maintain client-attorney privilege. He can't divulge anything said here, unless he feels a crime is about to be committed. Then he might be obligated as a member of the bar to report it."

"How would you feel about such a quandary Mr. Milton? I'm sure you've faced similar situations?"

"I take each situation on it's own merit. Dr. House. Are you saying you feel Dr. Cuddy may be thinking of making a quick trip to Israel a one way trip with child that is not legally hers?

"What? Cuddy shrieked. Turning to look at House as if he had lost his mind.

"Well this voucher does say the flight to Israel is one way? What does this mean Cuddy?"

"Please leave my office Dr. House. Now. This is not your business."

"It is my business Cuddy, because I care. I left you message this morning I want ed to talk about this asked you about this, but you blew me off. In the last month you have set up two overseas bank accounts, now I find these tickets and the history on your computer, Cuddy it has various searches on mothers disappearing with their children. I will not let you do this, I can't. I won't let it even take root in your mind." and with that he handed the attorney the business card he had found on his floor.

"I see you think you've missed your calling Dr. House, and you want to be a modern day Sherlock Holmes for real. I think you should stick to your day job because you may have bits of information, but your conclusions are way off base."

Cuddy was fierce and her eyes were like cold blue steel and gave him no quarter. He felt the blade coldly across his throat, about to leave a ribbon of blood. She gave him a look, as if he was the betrayer, and that he would never be forgiven. Then she turned from him to face the window. It was as if he was not even worth the kill since he was already dead to her. Dr. House could you please leave me with my attorney. I'll call you when I'm done here. The threat of security was there if not voiced.

House almost felt like he should be bowing out of the room with a "Yes my liege." but tthis was no situation for levity here, even the air had been sucked from the room. He felt like a convicted man waiting before the guillotine, but even that would have been preferred over the silvery blue steel that threatened to carve out his heart .

Now all he could do is wait for his summons. A summons that never came.

To seek forgiveness you must first forgive. Before you cry against those who have wronged you, cry for those you have wronged. Are your sins against others less,than the sins done against you or is that only in your minds eye. Why should that verse come to him now. The author was a hypocrite,a minister that did not practice what he preached. For as far as he knew that man had made no attempt to reach out to him, the son he had left to be a raised by another man. A man who fathered with the poisoned bitterness of betrayal and blamed the innocent for the sin of being born. For even existing. House shook his head and looked at the Scotch bottle on his piano he had not even bothered to get the glass. As he turned the bottle up, it wasn't for a sip but a gulp, like a man seeking oblivion, but as the the acohol burned past his lips to his tongue, he couldn't swallow, and gagged horribly turning from the piano to spit out. Then he picked up the bottle, and threw it across the room, watching with satisfaction as it smashed against the book case. Tomorrow was another court date for Rachel's custody and he felt it would be the last one. Though he may not be wanted or needed there. He would be there ...not hung over and not high. So the next time his hand reached out, it was not for a bottle but for the phone. He hit speed dial and a female voice answered.

"Hello, Mom..."


	43. Chapter 43

If it was possible Cuddy was even more nervous today than she had been for four previous court dates. She had not had a chance to talk to House yet, about what had happened with the lawyer. She had barely been at the hospital the last week doing most of her work from home. She had wanted spend every moment with Rachel. If avoiding House was a by product of that, then that worked for her as well. She could not believe he had spoken to her lawyer without talking to her first. She was hurt and angry over it, and stubbornly didn't even want to hear his side.

Her lawyer had submitted the new evidence in a emergency hearing unfortunately with the same judge who had shockingly taken it far too lightly, putting faith in Simon's subsequent mental evaluations. That had sent her for a loop, but her lawyer had still kept her temporary custody in place and it would remain until the end of the appeals process. After House had left her office that day, her lawyer had given her an eagle eyed look. When she asked him point blank without any attempt at defense if he believed the evidence House had presented he said.

"Evidence can mean a lot of things, Lisa. My experience leads me to lean on my gut extincts about people, it's how I earn my living. Your Dr. House may be able to sniff out disease, but I can sniff out a basic personality orientation and you are not a runner. Not to say you wouldn't consider it, but there's a certain amount of elements in play here, which makes me pretty certain that even if you planned to take Rachel and run, you couldn't go through with it."

"What elements?" she asked curious about what he saw.

"Oddly enough, the main reason I'm sure you won't run is because of Dr. House. A shame he doesn't know that. You should tell him one of these days."

"Oyez, Oyez, Oyez. The Honorable Superior Court of Appeals within and for Mercer County is now open and in session. At this time all persons having cause or action pending or having been summoned are bound to appear therein and give their attendance according to the law. The Honorable Judges Louis E. Bryant, Barbara Witchowski, and Anthony Morehouse presiding. Please be seated.

"Attorneys, please identify yourself and your clients for the record."

"Good morning, Your honors. Dennis Milton, Ed Faltz attorneys for the appellee, Dr. Lisa E. Cuddy."

"Good morning your honors. Spencer Perdue, I'm here representing the appellants Mr. and Mrs. David Barton, the grandparents of the minor child, who have been awarded custody.

"Where's the natural father?" asked the Senior Judge Bryant.

"He's attending school in Pennsylvania your honor. We didn't think he would be needed today since it's the parents that have been awarded custody and are parties to the case."

"Well he's an interested party and very central to the case, since from what I'm reading he instigated stopping the adoption by Dr. Cuddy. So my understanding, correct me if I'm wrong, Baby R was born to an underage girl and abandoned for dead in a vacant house. The girl was treated at Dr. Cuddy's hospital and died due to postpartum complications that led to liver failure. Before her death Dr. Cuddy discovered that she had abandoned the child in a vacant house and went there on her own to find the child, being cared for by vagrants. All interested parties went through counseling and signed away rights including the grandparents who have now been awarded custody. After parental right were terminated, the trial court granted DYFS's application for custody of Baby R who was placed in foster care with Dr. Lisa Cuddy, who made clear her intentions to adopt. Baby R has remained in her custody, for more than a year. There was no attempt by the natural father or grandparents to inquire about the child in that time, but on the occasion of her petition to adopt, an objection was filed by the natural father who was subsequently declared unfit. After which decision, his parents decided to step up and petition for a kinship adoption. So what brought on this sudden change of heart by the father and the grandparents after a year?"

"We have the transcript here from his hearing testimony, that he had gone to Princeton Plainsborough Hospital to visit a friend who had been gravely ill and ran into Dr. Cuddy with the child. I'll leave it to the expert witnesses to draw conclusions here. So his friend, being near death caused him to relive his experience from the year before with his girlfriend, and then he runs into his child. This triggered his sudden deterioration to the extent that he overdosed?"

"Your honor, it was a traumatic experience for the natural father, he had just turned 17 and the loss of his girlfriend in such a shocking way and being thrust into parenthood was not something he could handle at that time. " said Perdue.

"Objection." Dennis Milton said. "The girl was in fact his ex-secret girlfriend. It's been established that he dumped her for fear of being ridiculed by his friends."

"Sustained, though petty, Mr. Milton. Since I've used the term myself. Hence forth please call the mother of the child by her name. Proceed with your statement Mr. Perdue."

"To continue," Perdue announced. "He's grown up a lot in the last year and he changed his mind, he wanted his daughter, and from conversions with his parents they took up his cause and think their grandchild should remain with her biological relatives."

"But Mr. Perdue, there appears to be recent evidence that reopened the case at the trial level, the boy was not as recovered as your clients have claimed." Announced Judge Morehouse. "There are EMS records from early February of an overdose and suspected suicide attempt. Dr. Hans Lichtenstein, was subpoenaed and claimed he treated the boy at Princeton General ER and recommended a 48 hour hold and suicide watch and said any release would be AMA (against medical advice). It says, your family doctor signed him out to treatment at home with a private nurse before taking him to Dessert Sands Rehab in Arizona. I have his doctors notes but I'm not convinced that the young man was treated properly." said Judge Bryant.

"Simon was judged stable and fully functional by two independent expert witnesses. I would like to add your honor that Simon has been attending a school especially for teen boys with issues and is still under the care of a local psychiatrist there. This fall there will be another evaluation after that he will be continuing his higher education out of state. He will not be living in his parents' household."

"Valley Forge Military School, I have the notes here," said Morehouse. "I don't consider that school appropriate for a young man with his mental and behavioral issues. It's a fine school, my Alma mater, in fact, and while it may be appropriate for boys with mild discipline or focus problems, I understand this young man is recovering from a deeper level of dysfunction. It seems the parents have attempted to cover up the depth of his problem. Not only, do I think this boy is unfit for parenthood, I'm beginning to have extreme reservations about his parents, said Judge Bryant. "I would order a continuance but I want don't want this to drag on, not even for weeks. Valley Forge is just an hour away, Mr. Perdue, I'm going to order a three-hour recess and I want the boy before my bench today and if not, I will remand to the trial court."

"Your honor, protested Mr. Perdue, "this without warning or due process. We have completed the hearing process, and here we should be considering instances of law and precedence not witnesses and their motivations."

"Mr. Perdue, Judge Bryant, Judge Witchowski and I are honored to have an attorney of your experience and dare I say, gravitas, in our court, and when we choose to seek advice on how to conduct ourselves here, we will put you at the top of the list." Judge Morehouse said with just the right touch of sarcasm.

"Mr. Perdue," Judge Witchowski weighed in, "we are here to consider the law, and how it was applied in this case. We may call on anyone we see fit to call on to understand the reasoning at the trial level. Or we can just reverse and remand with instructions to the trial court judge. So do you do need the court reporter to read back Judge Bryant's previous instructions?"

Cuddy noticed that there was an obvious battle of wills going on here and Mr. Perdue despite, or perhaps because of his reputation was not faring very well. For the first time and in a long time as the Court was released to recess, she felt a glimmer of hope.


	44. Chapter 44

During the recess she and her family went to a nearby resturant, while House and Wilson returned to the hospital.

"Cuddy, her sister, put her hand on her shoulder, and Cuddy realized her mother had been trying to get her attention. She was just not into this family meal, this waiting was shredding her nerves. She left lunch early pretending an emergency and returned to the hospital there was still over an hour before they had to be back in court. She was barely back in her office before House was there. It was as if he

had pinned her with a tracking device.

They stared at each other for a moment the layers of misunderstandings too numerous and nested to unravel. There was just a seething resentment mixed with need and concern on both sides.

"How could you believe I would take Rachel and run she accused him," tightly.

"I tried to talk to you Cuddy. You would not listen just like you wouldn't listen about us living together. You were denial. It reminded me of my mother he said in whispered aside, seeing only what you want to see and not the fungus on the flower. You would deny until the flower was destroyed."

"Oh so you decide to destroy it instead. To go to my lawyer House, I can't forgive that. If he hadn't trusted me he could have had my temporary custody rescinded. How do you think that would have played to my chances of getting Rachel. How can someone who has known me for less than a month trust me me more than you do?"

"Trust is in short supply on both sides Cuddy, he are some good things we've done to get Rachel, we found the new evidence by talking."

" Strange House, you are only a proponent of taking when you need information or justification. Yes, finding the new information may be key. I hope so, and I am grateful, but it doesn't change what you did. Not everything is about you, House. What and that was about your fear not your reason.I really don't want to go into this today. I need all my energy to focus on Rachel. "

What is going to happen when she wakes up in the middle of the and I'm not there Cuddy" sobbed.

Those stupid people are not going to care that she likes to give the Giraffe a pat on the nose and the giant ducky a goodnight kiss before she goes to sleep. Oh my God House, if I believed really believed they would care for and give her a good life I would be heartbroken but I eventually might be able to find some peace, but not the people I've come to know in their testimony in court. Parsimonious with love and money, sanctimonious, and yet they end up with juvenile delinquents for children and wonder why? That's bad enough but to find out that Simon wanted to die. That he actually tried to end his own life. It wasn't just the situation with Rachel's mother, he was set up for that kind of despair from birth. I don't know if I can live with sending Rachel into that, but I still would not run,"

"I don't think Simon, planned to kill himself, I suspect that it was emotional black mail to get his parents attention and support to help him go for custody." House crossed to her and despite her resistance hugged her tightly all the while wondering if her thoughts about Simon echoed her thoughts about him. If Simon was too toxic for Rachel, then wasn't the same true for him?

When Simon appeared in court that afternoon, he had red rimmed eyes and a hastily manicured appearance, the judges met with him, and the lawyer for the parents in chambers and when they emerged, it was with a decision.

Cuddy felt as if there was no air in the room to breathe as her eyes focused on the judges that held her and her daughters life in their hands. There was such a buzzing in her ears that when the announcement was made she shook her head to verify she had heard correctly.

In a unanimous opinion, the Court of Appeals ruled that the father lost his right to contest the adoption because he and his legal guardians had signed away rights to the child and promoted the adoption -- even the emotional circumstances surrounding the birth did not offer reasons enough to excuse the lack of an attempt to show interest in the child or prevent the adoption during the foster care stage.

"We have considered the initial argument by Simon Barton that he was emotionally incapable of a decision at the time of the child's birth and in his case the parents were making all the decisions, and in making those decisions they were listening to advice from counselors that it was best to give up the child. We find those arguments reasonable but not compelling.

The requirement that fathers act promptly after a child is born, is "a logical and necessary outgrowth of the state's legitimate interest in the child's need for permanence and stability." A child is not a static entity. The child's needs have to be met immediately,"

"To conclude that the petitioner acted promptly once he became of legal age is to fundamentally misconstrue whose timetable is relevant, the court said. "Promptness is measured in terms of the child's life, not by the onset of the father's awareness or autonomy."

Therefore the court has ruled that the child's welfare, the rights of the adoptive parent, the attachments developed in that family and the state's interest in maintaining the integrity of adoptions must take precedence over matters of pure biology. We are not a state that has a mandate to follow the biological presumption and it seems that those principles were mis-applied in this case. A child's first attachments are crucial to normal development and emotional well-being. When the father was declared unfit, the principle of "best interests of the child "should have been applied.

We can appreciate that the natural father has made a valiant attempt at improving his life and I commend him and his parents, but We have grave doubts about their methods and We think he needs more time to be a son and the focus of their attention. He may one day have the potential to be a good father, however, the child can't wait. It's also apparent that the grandparents have faced and continue to face significant challenges raising the children they have, adding another to the mix does not seem advisable. So weighing the best interest of the child. We have decided to overturn the lower court decision awarding custody to the grandparents and strike down the initial objection to the adoption petition by Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Our decision will allow the adoption of the minor child by Dr. Lisa Cuddy to proceed."

Cuddy turned mutely toward her lawyer, her countenance showing the tension of the intolerable stress of being caught too long between heaven and hell. Her huge anxious eyes demanded interpretation even as her heart heard the ringing "yes, she's yours" through the buzzing in her ears.

Her eyes were glazed with tears and she gave him a dazzling smile before hugging him tightly causing that austere presence to blush and pat her with relief. She turned to look back behind her, telling herself, she was looking for her family, but even though her sister launched at her with cries of joy, there was another pair blue eyes she met. They were male and a vivid burning blue stared from about 6ft up. House. She watched him through the group of friends and relatives, he was coming toward her, she did not know whether to run toward him or away, her emotions were that conflicted. Then she saw a small hand pat his cheek. Oh God, he had her baby, and she was propelled forward on shaking legs to take her, her joy as big and bright as the sun, so transforming that it momentarily chased away all doubt, all hurt and all resentment.

House felt himself caught up in her delight, as if raptured up in that moment of pure bliss when he leaned down to give her her child. He was in awe of the power of it and Rachel must have felt it too, because despite her having missed House, she went to her mommy quickly and completely as if she felt love pouring off her as warm as mother's milk. She held her arms out to Rachel and the little girl leaned eagerly into them seeming to sense the emotional need in her mommy,

"Big hug." Rachel cooed in satisfaction, wrapping plump arms around Cuddy's neck and returned her tight squeeze for a moment, but soon it be came too restrictive. "Too tight, Mommy," she protested, wriggling and looking back at House for assistance.

It was then that Cuddy was able to separate out events and she stared at him with frost rapidly blighting the warmth in her eyes. "Why did you bring her? To turn her over to the authorities if custody didn't go my way?" she whispered fiercely. And for a moment she wished she could suck the words back, because even though he had met her eyes as if prepared for a blow, he still blinked at the thrust.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed. "I did it for you and for Rachel."

"Your meddling is intolerable. " she whispered back as if pained to say it.

"You wouldn't talk to me. There was evidence Cuddy. He returned.

"And I still can't. Not right now." Cuddy protested realizing that even though they felt caught up in a world of their own they were under observation and not all the eyes were friendly. She resolutely turned away from the vortex of the magnetism that drew them together, even the pain was addictive. The warm embraces of her family and friends were waiting and drying tears of joy and pain, she did not see House leave.

When the sun is out while it is raining an old saying claims the devil his beating his wife, but it was Greg House who turned and walked from the courtroom and down the courthouse steps as if pursued by a thousand pitch forked devils.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

House was at his apartment trying to ignore the pain in his leg which would soon drive him to a hot bath. He had gone back to the hospital and in less than an hour solved the current case. It was a fifty-five year old woman with vague digestive symptoms who had been trying to get a diagnosis for the last three years. Doctors had put forth everything from Celiac Disease, to Irritable Bowel, to Crohns, even Anorexia. The woman had just lived with this condition until her lack of appetite and therefore failure to maintain a normal weight had waved a read flag to her doctors, she was 5'7" and weighed 68 pounds on admission to PPTH.

The puzzle had been a way of distracting himself from the thoughts buzzing in his head, but he had not connected with the patient and if you asked him tomorrow he would not remember her name. He had finally diagnosed her with Diabetic Gastroparesis, a malfunction of the digestive track caused by Diabetic Neuropathy of the Vagus Nerve. It caused food to move very slowly through the stomach causing a feeling of fullness so the patient appetite was very poor. The treatment was extreme control of the diabetes and he had also prescribed Erythromycin to encourage more rapid stomach emptying. It was an easy case and though it could have been life threatening if allowed to continue it was lame but he had needed the puzzle so he had taken it.

After a few minutes of trying to find something on TV, he gave up any pretence of thinking he could relax and limped toward the bathroom. Later, after a warm soak, he had changed into jeans and a fresh Tee and felt a lot more relaxed sitting at the piano. He went from tune to tune, sometimes with only a few bars, trying to play anything except the song he had written for Cuddy and knowing inevitably he would end up there, the same way he would end up at her door. Moriarty's words came back to him:

"Do you think your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? You take the one good thing you have and strip it of all meaning. I don't know why you want to live. You sacrifice yourself for nothing."

In that situation he had meant the medicine, but House had more than the medicine had now branched out. He now had three good things four if he included Wilson, and he had managed to screw up two out of three within the last 24 hours. He had finally made enough sacrifices to connect with Cuddy and still he couldn't get it quite right, because he had not trusted her enough to make her own best decisions in both cases. So many times he meddled in people's lives, because he felt he was right and he could see what was best for them, and 99 percent of the time he was right. But the 1 percent was enough of an error, if he made those errors in his own life that would be one thing, but even a 1 percent error in someone else's life was unacceptable. He could see Cuddy's point.

His cell phone trilled the notes of Dancing Queen. It was Wilson.

"House, I'm at Cuddy's she's having an impromptu catered buffet, because everybody is coming through to wish her well on winning Rachel's custody. Are you coming?"

"I wasn't invited." House retorted.

"Neither was anyone else, people are just stopping by. I did say impromptu, didn't I? House, please tell me you are not going to stay home and pout like you did during Rachel's Sim chat bat. Cuddy's family is asking about you."

"Good." Maybe she'll have to explain that she kicked me out."

"I suspect that was your fault House. Look, I don't want to spend the evening watching Cuddy answer the door every five minutes looking like the world is coming to an end because it's not you."

"She did that during the Sim chat bat?" House asked.

"Yes, she did. It's not often you get a do over House." I know you regret not being at the Sim chat bat and I know she regrets not having you there. I know you did a great job for Rachel's first birthday party, but that was for Rachel. This is for Cuddy."

"She doesn't want me there. I tried to talk to her all day. It's apparent she thinks I'm trying to control her life and she wants me out of it."

"Well, you were, even if it was for the best of reasons. Giving that business card to her lawyer House, what were you thinking? If I had known you would do anything that stupid, I would have locked you up in the hospital linen closet or drugged you. Cuddy was right to be angry over it. You really crossed the line and you could have ruined everything."

"It wasn't just the business card. It was the travel itineraries and the off shore bank accounts..."

"For which there was probably an explanation, House."

"She didn't explain it to you?"

"She didn't need to. I know Cuddy wouldn't run, because I'm not blinded by fear. You two need to have yelling match and get it all out. I know you haven't had time today and you probably won't with so many people under foot but making an appearance here would be a good start in showing her you are an adult. You want to give her enough space to cool down, but not so much that she has time to goo into deep freeze mode."

"Is it possible that someone who has consistently made the wrong choice in his romantic relationships can give me good advice? I guess it depends on if he's telling me what he did do or what he didn't do. Which is it, I'm dying to know?" House quipped.

"House, at least I've been married, which is more experience than you."

"I'll say, since it was, three times!"

"Just get over here, House."

"Okay, but just don't get any wise ideas about talking to Cuddy before I get there." House warned.

"House was at Cuddy's door, strange to have to knock instead of use the key in his pocket. He had changed back to less causal clothes actually donning a shirt in the color Cuddy liked because it brought out his eyes. He had three of those shirts now, and briefly wondered why there were only two hanging up in the closet. Ahh, one of them was still here at her place, even though it had been weeks since he collected his last box of things, he had still managed to leave a lot of things at her place. He didn't know if she had just not noticed or she was also tacitly refusing to completely close the door on him. He chose to read it as the later even though it may be a subconscious thing on her part... He had put up his cane to do his customary knock but thought better of it, and taped with his knuckles instead. Cuddy answered the door and there it was he saw it, a flash of involuntary satisfaction in the slight curve of her lip before the temperature cooled. It was as if now things were all right with the world and House, relaxed a bit. There was a possibility here, slim, but maybe it wasn't totally hopeless. He just needed to let her vent and admit the error of his ways. He wondered if Wilson was right and they needed to fight, but he had doubts since Wilson was the same person who said "go terrorize her after his delusion".

The evening went well everyone was so happy for Cuddy and Rachel and he looked on and actually was pulled into the inner circle by Rachel and Cuddy's family he felt part of something and he felt keenly the difference of being on the inside versus being on the outside. Even in his first family he had so often felt on the outside and realized this is the first time he had felt part of a family. Cuddy might be upset with him but Rachel knew nothing about that and her eyes looked at him with such giddy delight, that he could not help smiling and laughing back. It was not long before the Nanny who had stayed late had whisked Rachel off to a bath and bed. Cuddy unable to resist went too and House was not surprised to see the Nanny come back down after 10 minutes with her coat and say her goodbyes, it was obvious Cuddy would want to enjoy the ritual with Rachel tonight. The rest of the group, seemed to see the Nanny's departure as the catalyst to start dissipating, House took the opportunity to go let Cuddy know most of her guests where leaving. Of course he wanted to see her alone with Rachel as well and this seemed as if it would be his only opportunity. When he arrived in the yellow nursery she was just bringing Rachel back from her bath and it was hard to tell who was wetter. Cuddy was holding her in a large fluffy white towel and sat briefly in the rocking chair to dry her, her gaze loving and smiled her hair curling about her face from the moisture of the bath. They looked like a painting by Mary Cassat. Cuddy had put Rachel in pull-ups and a pink onesy and handed her over to him freshly lotioned and powdered while she went downstairs to bid fare well to her guests. Holding Rachel soothed the tight knot in his stomach and House gave Cuddy a look of inquiry when she returned and took the sleeping Rachel from his arms and put her to bed. It was like so many other nights that he had been living here, but yet it wasn't. When she finally turned away from Rache'ls sleeping form she stood still as his eyes held hers.

"Is now later?" he asked laconically.

"Let's go downstairs House, everyone is gone. You can help me clean up." He ordinarily would have made a smart remark about not cleaning up a place, when he was about to be pushed out the door. But he chose to take her request for his particpation as a good sign.

There really wasn't much left to do. Trusty Wilson and Cuddy's sister Linda had taken care of most of the dishes and associated debris. She came over and put her hand on his arm in a the old so familiar way she had of touching him before she spoke to him as one would a special needs child.

"House, I owe you, Rachel and I both do and we will never forget it but it does not magically erase our problems."

"Is that the goal, Cuddy for us to have no problems? Cause that's a nonstarter."

" Look on it as an experiment and it failed"

"Failed Cuddy, really, Perhaps the problem for both of is that you considered this an experiment." House bit out. "We were doing fine, we were working things out. It was good until this cust..."

"House, don't blame Rachel, it was always going to be something, yes we made some progress, yet still when the chips were down, we couldn't reverse our losses."

"Not blaming Rachel, just the situation. It put you, both of us under a great deal of stress."

" And you added to it, deliberately. House, It doesn't matter if your relapse was real or fake, or fake turned real. When bad things happened we couldn't take the stress, and it separated us. We broke up because we still couldn't talk to each other and come up with an answer that would work for both of us. I don't put all the blame on you, it was my fault too. I was clingy, stubborn and I didn't listen. My only excuse is that I felt my whole world was crumbling, but the problem for me is that at some point you figured you knew better than me and you were going to leave me for my own good or provoke me into putting you out."

"That was not how it went down Cuddy." He looked at her helplessly, feeling his was loosing ground. "It wasn't a premeditated attempt to pull the wool over your eyes. I got drunk, I found my stash and I still had the pill bottle in my hand when you arrived. I was tempted. That as real as it gets. But I just held the bottle, I didn't open it. When I picked up the Vicodin bottle, I could remember Amber's voice just like I heard it that night before Mayfield saying "if you take the pill you don't deserve her, if you take it in secret you don't deserve anyone." So the delusions and hallucination might actually have done me a favor. I called your landline and you weren't there and I figured you were probablyon your way and would end up at my place. It was'nt until I heard your key in the lock that I thought it was for the best if you just walked in on me that way. That you needed a wake up call to the reality of how the court would see me."

"That was the ultimate manipulation House, a really cruel one, don't you see that?" she said staring him in the face.

"It didn't seem like a manipulation at the time, Cuddy, I was a little worse for wear. It was very real. I admit I was tempted and it probably won't be the last time. We were learning to live together, but for Rachel's sake, I thought we should learn to live apart. I tried to bring that up to you but you shut me down, I realize you just couldn't bear to hear it. I thought we were strong enough to bear it. Just because I was wrong doesn't mean we should give up."

"You left me", she said in a quiet fierce voice just short of a yell. It was the worst thing you could have done to me,House .You made me believe in you, believe in us. You made me open up and become soft and dependent and then you left! It doesn't even matter why you left, only that you did! I was really going to try to have your baby for God's sake, House. I had just stopped the pill the day before you pulled your binge or stunt or whatever the hell it was. Do you know how much it took me to get to that point? I was that open and you felt you could make my worse nightmare come true and then waltz back in the door when the need for it was over?"

"I didn't leave you Cuddy. I just didn't want to be the reason you lost Rachel."

"You didn't care if I lost her you just didn't want to be the reason." she snapped back.  
"Well you weren't the reason, but I lost her anyway. Have you ever thought that your leaving wrecked me so, that I couldn't make sound decisions? Perhaps the judge picked up on what a mess I was and thought I wasn't stable enough."

"No Cuddy, I think Perdue just bought a judge that believes biology trumps everything. But Milton fixed that with our help. We worked as a team to find that extra info on Simon."

"Yes, we did." she said taking a calming breath. Don't think I don't appreciate that House, I do. I know you care about me and about Rachel. She put her hand up to her forehead and he noticed it was shaking and she looked pale, drawn and utterly exhausted.

"Are you okay, he said reaching out a hand to grab her shoulder wanting to steady her. She just looked at him weakly for a minute. If you need to continue this, can we do it tomorrow? she said weakly. Thank goodness it's the weekend, but this really has been a hard day and I need to get some rest.

'Yes, you should rest, are sure you don't want me to stay. Now I'm concerned.

" I'm okay House, just tired. I'll call you tomorrow; obviously we still need to talk through some things."

"The words that should have given him hope but seemed to him like a death knell as she looked at him sadly. He was not so selfish that he had the nerve to keep pushing. She may look weak physically but when she was tired, she became the ultimate iron maiden, compensating for her physical frailty. He was not going to make any head way tonight and he had not even tried to explain why he had interfered with her attorney. He bit his lip, sucked up his frustration and headed for the door. He turned back to give her the book.

"I was going to give it to you Sunday, but tonight seemed good. Cuddy looked at the the 10X 11 book full of gorgeous color plate images. She had always loved the soft focus of the impresionist and Mary Cassat with her emphasis on Mothers and children was a pefect for the occasion. She looked at the fly leaf. To Lisa Cuddy, Its just legalities you've been a mother since day one. The best mother a child could have, Rachel is a very lucky girl.

He saw the tired emotional tears turn her eyes into the deep purple of the sea off Diamond Head.

He couldn't help himself as he leaned down to catch an escaping tear with his tongue.

"No, hell no House", she almost shoved him that one step out her door.

She looked at him in the pool of light shed by her porch light.

"It's not that easy to be open to you again, trust you again. I don't want to. I'm not ready. Loosing you and then Rachel almost destroyed me. I don't think I would have ever left but it felt good to hold onto that card, it felt like a safety net, an escape hatch."

I never thought you were a quitter, Cuddy but on some things I'm noticing a pattern."

"We tried but we fell short, House, when it came to the crunch we couldn't talk to each other, you manipulated and I...

"I knew that you had thought about taking Rachel and going on the lamb. How the hell could you even think of it for a second, Cuddy? How could you leave everything? How could leave your family, the hospital, me..." he ended on a whisper.

"I wouldn't have ever done it." She sighed. All your supposed evidence was just a coincidence. When the stock market here begin to get shaky my financial advisor suggested some overseas investments, all totally above board and they produced dividends into foreign bank accounts. "

"What about the travel?"

"You still need to know? Is it still about the puzzle House? My lawyer didn't need to know, Wilson didn't need to know, but you do?"

"House stared at her for a few minutes. I don't need to know, I believe you. That business card was like my secret stash. It's there so I won't use it. I get that. The lawyer was there, when, I finished snooping and it was an impulse that I regretted right away. " he admitted with difficulty.

She nodded, seeming a little mollified. So it's not that I am opposed to telling you about the travel, but the communication has to go both ways, House. You should know about the travel it was supposed to a surprise for you and just for the two of us to get away when the custody case was over. I didn't get set dates because I didn't know when that would be. The trip had one way tickets to Israel because it was the first leg of an adventure trip sort of like a land cruise that ends up going through Egypt and then Greece, if you had looked at the itinerary carefully it was three pages, but when the travel agent first sent the email the attachment only had first page."

"I'm sorry," he said. Your having that card scared me and you admitted you played with the idea."

"I would have never left though. I couldn't, even my lawyer figured that one out."

"Cuddy, I'm a hard person to live with, I know, but I thought you knew that going in.

He finally said firmly. The time at Mayfield taught me to take responsibility for what is my fault, apologize and move on, but I can't be the fall guy for every thing that goes wrong. I might be very good a screwing things up but it takes more than me." And it takes more than me to want to fix it. You have to want it too Cuddy, you have to consider me worth the hassle, worth the pain."

Cuddy looked at him startled as she took in the last dying rays of the sun surrounding him like an apparition.

"We have something special Cuddy; I love you." he said tenderly cupping her face. It will never go away even if you want it to. Are you going to throw it all away?"

"Finally you said it." she gasped. You say it now." she said on an ironic laugh and yet in the midst of all the chaos, she was moved, utterly caved. It was like a giant stone had been pushed from the wall she was trying to erect around her heart.

"Oh Greg," she murmured his name her eyes welling with tears. "I do love you too, but..."

He put the long sensitive tips of his fingers on her lips. "If you say, "but" behind those words, you'll have to have to keep saying them until you get them right."

"Perhaps love isn't enough for us. There must have been a reason it took us so long to try again. Subconsciously we knew we were too screwed up to work together."She said sadly. "I'm used to dealing with your brand of getting what you want at any costs, and the end justifying the means, but that was in the hospital not at home. And what makes it so bad is I've watched you meddle in people's lives for years, Wilson's with all his relationships and your team members, and there I was turning a blind eye most of the time or thinking it really was for the person's good or the end justified the means."

"I just try to get people to see..."

"Sometimes, but mostly you manipulate behind their backs. Heck, you even interfered in my life, trying to run off every date I've had in the last five years. So you are right it's not like I didn't know what I was getting in to. I guess I just thought when we were closer you'd feel secure enough not to need to do that."

"Security is hard to find when every skirmish turns into make or break. Perhaps you were right not to identify the deal breakers since it seems everything I do is one."

"I don't want you to be perfect House, just reasonable. I thought I could handle this but..."

"Cuddy, its cold out here, if you are not going to let me back in, just shut the door in my face." He was almost daring her. The wind had indeed picked up the forecast called for an early summer storm.

Cuddy went to swing the door closed, when she saw a certain stillness in his face and the darkening of his eyes to cobalt... The door stopped abruptly in its race toward the jam, when she realized what an emotionally damaging trigger it was for him. It was the little boy lost look on his face and it wrecked her. She remembered the Flintstones close, his father shutting him out, and her own part in shutting him out after their one night in college. She found it impossible to complete that motion when he was staring her in the face as if she was his last best hope in a lost universe.

"If you don't want me to shut the door, just walk away, House. You did it before by choosing manipulation over honest communication. Just walk away." she insisted on ragged breath.

House just stood there locking gazes with her, refusing to turn away. Cuddy felt this stream of words coming out of her mouth, the most emotional filibuster of all time. If she listened to the words he was not saying, saw the redness of eys with tears held in check, if she was silent she would hear two hearts breaking, so she covered the silence with a flow of words. She had signed a document today reaffirming a vow she had made to a little girl in a white dress. A girl, she had rescued from biological parents and foster parents with obvious flaws and inadequacies in being able to properly raise a child, she had just snatched her back literally out of the hands of grandparents, while missing the obvious self destructive tendencies, had a woeful lack in the empathy in the parenting with heart department. What kind of parent would she be to subject her to the vagaries of the kind of volatile relationship she and House would create?"

"When you made me feel I had no choice but to put you out, House, you left me with nothing. You were the one who gave up. A sudden gust drafted between them like a storm warning, creating a draft that ripped the door form her hand and slammed it with a bang. It seemed like divine intervention as she heard his gasp of shock as if someone had thrown cold water on him. She could hear him calling her name and knocking as she slid down the door all the way to the floor, trying to suppress the sobs rising in her throat. How could she let the door stay closed when she was aching for him and herself and wanted nothing in the world but to get up and pull it open again.

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	46. Chapter 46

Recap:

"You left me with nothing, you gave up on me the rest of it didn't matter, and a suddenly gust ripped the door from her hand and slammed it with a bang. It seemed like divine intervention as she heard his gasp of shock as if someone had thrown cold water on him. "She could hear him calling her name as she slid down the door all the way to the floor, trying to suppress the sobs rising from her throat as she could still House on the other side of the door. How could she let the door stay closed when she was aching for him and herself and wanted nothing in the world but to get up and pull it open again.

**Chapter 46**

House stared at the door that had been slammed in his face in shock, but grasping that her intention had been carried out by the elements, he involuntarily began knocking and calling her name but the door remained stubbornly closed. He leaned against the jamb as pain stabbed his thigh, locking his leg so badly he fell into the door jam. As debilitating as it was, it was not the physical pain that stole his breath. He gasped as if he had been doused with cold water, ice water, and he fought hard not be sucked down into the dark rabbit whole, of his past. House leaned against the door fighting for breath and against the dark coldness paralyzing him. He lost the fight, and slid down the door, landing with a thump, as his coccyx struck hard on the marble door sill. He welcomed the new pain as a distraction from his leg to negate the pain spearing through him and dragging him from the present back to the past with nightmarish efficiency. The past was the last place he wanted to go, and he fought like a reluctant dreamer sensing the threatening paralysis and powerlessness of Paradox Sleep.

The memory was him at the age of six, dragged out of an ice bath by his father and shoved out the back door which was promptly locked behind him. His self flagellating mind always picked that particular time from a dozen similar incidents, because it must have been 40 degrees with the remnants of snow on the ground. He had thought of calling for his mom, but his voice had stilled. He was afraid for her. The one time she had tried to intervene his father had twisted her arm and left a nasty bruise, and House knew even though he was not big enough yet to challenge him, he would be one day. He had told his mother if he ever saw him hurt her again, he would have to kill him. So he was stoically silent as his father shoved him out the door, not realizing he was indeed making almost silent soft mewling sounds that sounded like the silent screams of a rabbit. He was just in a T-shirt, pajama bottoms and no shoes. But he knew if he waited by the door, in an hour or two, he would hear the click of his mother releasing the lock. She would wait until his father was asleep and then she would come down and unlock the door. There were no warm words, nor a towel, nor comforting kisses of consolation, but there was some attempt at rescue. This was the first time he had remembered it, this subterranean resistance. It had continued until his mother got pregnant when he was 7, she must have feared some violence which would cost the child, a child which ended up as still born as her pattern of passive resistance. So they had lived in some weird tripod of detente, a balance of fear and power and love, yes love had grown even there like wild flowers in stony places.

"You know my patterns so well". He murmured aloud, repeating Cuddy's earlier phrase, trying to pull himself back to the present. His gaze suddenly hooded and deep, not with pain but with concentration before brightening with the light bulb of epiphany.

Suddenly he turned and hammered on the door with renewed vigor, calling her name. She was still there. He could hear her there, breathing; he fancied he could even smell her. He dragged his body to the edge of the door and put his mouth to the jamb.

"What about our child, Cuddy? Were you going to fail to tell me? Not again?" his voice the loudest croaking whisper that she had ever heard.

House heard a gasp and then sudden silence from the other side of the door. A few seconds later the door was flung open and Cuddy stood staring down at him with wild red rimmed eyes.

"What are you talking about House?"

"You're breeding. He said pointing his cane at her, a tight smile, ever so slightly pulling the sides of his mouth.

"I'm not... Why do you think that?" She could barely talk as she looked at him as he had lost his mind for real.

"Cuddy you don't know? How could you not know? Haven't you felt different? I can tell by your body, even though you are not eating, yes I know that and it needs to stop. Your body is fuller, especially my favorite parts. You've been raiding the vending machine for salt instead of sugar, your ankles are swollen and you've had mood swings. Has your cycle been interrupted?"

"I…I don't know, I can't think... and if did miss, I thought it was the stress." she stuttered, remembering the strange breast tenderness she had, had recently. She had stopped breast feeding Rachel over two months ago and her milk had dried, it was similar to the feeling she got before her period, but it didn't go away, she counted breathlessly in her mind, her look of disbelief quickly followed by dawning realization.

"Oh my God," they both exclaimed simultaneously She shook her head in denial and she was off in a rabbit like panic into the nether regions of the house. House began to rise painfully, meaning to take advantage of the open door before she returned. He had time. He was sure she had flown off in a panic, to find a pregnancy test. He felt as if he had altitude sickness going from such a low to such a high in a matter of seconds.

She was suddenly back before he knew it and he had gotten closer to the door but not up.

"House." that one word was all she said and he turned and looked up at her, it felt suddenly as if his whole world was in her hands, and that incredible vulnerability showed in his eyes as he looked up at her. As their gazes locked he noticed the tracks of her tears. And she bent to him concerned for his exposure and his position on the porch.

"Cuddy? his face was a question as he reached both his hands out tracing her tears with his thumbs.

"I don't know. I have to wait 10 minutes. She said holding the package in her hands as she squatted beside him.. If I'm pregnant "It's a miracle "she said turning her face up to his.

"You still think that, even now?" he questioned.

"God, yes, she said emotionally, "To have your child growing inside me after all these years... I can't get my hopes up."

"You didn't even tell me you had stopped taking the pill. "He said in wonder."

"I would have if…" and she stopped talking not wanting to retread that ground at the moment.

"If I hadn't screwed up." he finished her sentence on a wry note.

"You know you shouldn't have gotten down here, how are you are going to get up." she reproached, suddenly aware of his predicament. She looked around for a chair to give him something to pull up on.

"I can get up but it won't be pretty," he said looking at her helplessly not wanting her to see his awkwardness or his pain. If you go back in and give me a minute, I'll be up."

"No." she said looking at him.

"No, he said hoarsely, his heart his mouth.

"I'll give you a minute, but I'm not turning away. I'll never turn away again. I know you only want to support me. We may just quibble about your way of doing that." she said with a resigned smile. "I want you to know that you have the same from me. When I try to deny how connected we are is when it hurts the most."

She pulled a strong chair over and his heart beat incredibly fast in his chest feeling as if it was growing several sizes. She shifted and at his gasp of pain she pulled back and rose. stood by as he heaved himself up with grunts of pain, that to him was numbed due to the power storm of endorphins invading his system on stream of joy, joy. She might have doubts be he had none. He thought in amazement as he stood to his full height and took her hand.

He stepped over the threshold and thankfully closed the door behind him.

"Are you ready?" he asked her nodding at the test she still held clutched in her hand as if afraid to look.

Cuddy's hand shook as she reached for the wand to look at the little window. She was aware House was peering over her shoulder so he could see. It was positive, Cuddy gasped and turned. Their gazes locked. At once the same scenes flashed through their mind,that one night together, the IVF, the miscarriages, the failed adoption and the custody fight for Rachel. There was silent communication just through their eyes and their breathing.

"We did it!" Cuddy squealed, launching herself at him. House had never seen her so carefree since they were at school together and that was probably what made him forget his current condition.

He gave her a tight hug. Actually lifting her from the floor to sit her on the console in the foyer.

"House your leg." she exclaimed in concern. Her limbs had already wrapped around him in total bliss, her hands reaching up to smooth over his rough cheeks and the gliding behind is neck to cradle his head in her hands.

"Gregory House, You are going to be a Dad." she said with a soft warm smile, looking up at him with her heart shining out of her eyes.

"So when can I move back in." he said half joking half serious.

"Let's take it slower this time House, we maintain our spaces, and grow our trust until we are ready for it all."

"Cuddy I need to be here for you and the baby," he insisted. How can I be away from you at this time?" he countered.

"That's how I felt House, and she retorted and raised her hand at his protest. "No this is not tit for tat, I think its necessary House. I won't shut you out, I promise. I want us to be together too. But whatever happens need to be something we can agree upon. He suddenly noticed there was anxiety in her that was mixed with the blinding joy. Of course there would be, she had not had good luck at all. It was then he vowed to be anything she needed and try to subsume his own mind spinning and selfish demands. Of course she was nervous about the course of this pregnancy with her history of ectopic, miscarriage and fertility issues it was worrying, but he would look after her. They would get through it.

"So does this feel like deja vu?'

"Yes!" She said on a laugh.

"Do you think we'll have to do it again?

"I wouldn't be surprised." She laughed again. "We'll keep doing it as many times it takes."

"What ever it takes." he concluded.

"I'm sorry about the door," she said softly.

He nodded instead of speaking, his lids shuttering his eyes.

Cuddy felt an ourie feeling shiver through her.

"Greg," she insisted on his eyes meeting hers again. "I would never have left you out there. I just didn't know how to to take care of you and Rachel."

"And now we'll have two to take care of. Does that really change everything for you?"

"Yes, and no." she said hesitantly.

"You have guilt over Rachel. You think you can't pull her from one recovering drug addict and force her to live with another?"

"I don't compare you to Simon, he has hurt others, you House, were only hurting yourself, but I do worry about Rachel, we won't ever be "Leave it Beaver." If I don't consider her environment I'd be a hypocrite.

"You are a hypocrite." he said snapped.

"What do you mean?"

"Yes, Simon has all these issues, but what makes you really sticks in your craw is that his parents didn't support him, so he ended up not being strong enough to support the girl he cared about because she was not in the current mold, she was not acceptable to his peers. Who does that sound like Cuddy?"

"Me she squeaked indignantly, I'm sorry House, you can consider both are associated with addiction and destruction but there a difference between being overweight and being addicted." but she was biting her lip and she suddenly seemed tired. His concern for her kicked in and ignoring his pain he led her towards the sofa.

"It's hard to rehash everything, to reopen all those wounds again now that I've had almost a year of sobriety, I feel it more now than I felt it then, it's like reopening all the old wounds and feeling them. When I was on the Vicodin I couldn't feel them, because I couldn't feel."

"That was the whole point though wasn't it, not to feel?"

He nodded. "I feel like I wasted so many years just being miserable. I don't ever want to go back to that and I will do everything possible to ensure that I don't. I missed so much of my life Cuddy, especially in the last 10 years. I missed waking up and gaining control, becoming the kind of man you could trust, the kind of man you could love. Sometimes I'm so angry with myself, because this could have happened years ago, I could be so much further along this path. I absolutely know that going back to the drugs will lead me to an early death, that way is isolation and loneliness, misery, it was like a living death Cuddy. Now that I've experienced better, now that I've experienced life again. I will fight like hell never to put myself in that position again."

"House, for many years I've thought of us as big risk. We are not safe."

" We'll never be safe. So are you brave enough?"

"I have to be, because there's another person involved now who belongs to both of us."

"I did the most dangerous thing I could when I said I love you, Cuddy. I got through my fear for you, you can get through yours for me."

"I have to say your openness and vulnerability is really freaking me out, right now, but how long can you keep it up?"

"This is as real as it gets Cuddy. I think you need an early night," he said as they rested on the couch, not cuddling but extremely close and still looking at each other in amazement.

"You are going to be a father House! She said with wonder, a glowing irrepressible smile curving her lips as his hand slid possessively to her still flat abdomen.

"Do you think Rachel will mind that she was our guinea pig kid," he said irreverently. I do think of her that way," he admitted almost shyly, tied between showing his hand and not wanting Cuddy to think he was trying to take ownership of her child. I think you may be at least six weeks already," he said calculatingly his eyes narrowed. I'll bet it happened almost right away... His voice suddenly became thick with a mix of emotion including desire.

"Cuddy, he lifted his brow questioningly.

"She laughed a sound of pure joy. You can stay the night House but no hanky panky. I am actually exhausted and now at least I know why. I've felt so weird. Overly emotional, hungry but unable to eat and tired all the time. I really thought it was the stress," she said leaning into him.

He kissed her forehead and she rose giving him a hand to help from the sofa and together they went through the House turning out lights one by one as they went towards her bedroom.

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	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Cuddy awoke slowly her skin already tingling with the electricity of arousal. House had begun his siege upon her even as she slept, so that his careful exploration of every inch of her skin had been woven through sensual dreams that she had been half reluctant to leave until she realized reality had a potential for so much more. She blinked her lashes slowly, as she awoke to House trailing gentle kisses across her stomach and whispering. He was talking to the baby.

"What are you doing Greg House?" she asked softly, a warm smile curving her lips.

"Talking to Junior." he said, returning her smile with mischievous one of his own.

"You mean plotting with Junior," Cuddy countered, knowing how his mind worked. She knew House would not be happy until he at least had the right to be back under her roof full time.

"Who me? He replied, innocently, actually showing the dimples, that were as rare and precious as diamonds to the woman in bed beside him.

"So you want a boy?"

"I want anything you will give me," he whispered sincerely, looking up at her in awe, his gaze a shock of focused blue like her own personal heaven. She took in his face, vulnerable, softly relaxed in a way she had never seen it and a small fluctuating smile played at the corner of his mouth.

"You have to have a preference." she pressed.

"What's the point. There are somethings even we can't control. Either option would have different, but equally delightful benefits." he insisted.

Cuddy grinned happily, and all of of sudden they were both laughing as he brought his face to her and kissed her breathless.

"Sooo, I have a question he asked, playing with her hair. During the IVF you came to my office supposedly to thank me but I could have sworn you were about to ask me to be a father for your child and then you suddenly changed your mind. Why?"

"I don't know, she shrugged. " I chickened out I guess, and it somehow seemed the wrong way...

"Ah , so you wanted to do it the old fashioned way. No worries, I would have insisted on it" he said huskily lowering his mouth to hers he kissed her with a raw hunger that was beyond sensual, it was a soul hunger that caused her body to arc up off the bed as her head tilted up to chase his gorgeous mouth when he removed it from hers. But it also drew more truth from her.

"I knew if I was carrying your child it would mean so much more than an arrangement..." She admitted her voice breaking as they were both forcibly reminded of the child they had lost.

"Cuddy, he crooned her name in that incredibly soft way that took her her deeper into a brief mourning, but lifted her back out wrapping her heart in brisk but empathetic comfort, she breathed out a sigh that she had someone to share that loss now, and she had shed that buried secret which had in it's own way been a barrier between them. Now it was source of strength the shared pain and the coming joy, they had shared so much together even when they were not together and they had so much more to share in the future.

She kissed him in a series of quick pecks, releasing her emotions in the soft pressure of her lips against his as she left his mouth to nuzzle his cheek. Her tongue feathered around the edges his lips finding his philtrum, even the fine hair that covered this sensual groove could not prevent her from seeking and finding the extra nerve endings that released a deep guttural groan that curled her toes in anticipation. He bit her bottom lip then sucked it gently as his own tongue slithered soothingly against bruised pink flesh before sliding into her mouth and setting up a rhythm that she knew well.

She had heard about the increased libido the flush of pregnancy hormones would bring but it usually did not start until the second trimester and she was not that far along. Nothing prepared her for the ache and the layered depth of the the feelings flooding through her, demanding release. It must be like the difference between the way that a human smelled and a blood hound smelled, that's how alert and at attention her senses were. Her hands stroked through his hair feeling its texture tickle against her palms as he continued to kiss her. His mouth had wandered to the side of her neck to find her sensitive ears, and she soon returned the favor, her fingers teasing his scruff as her artfully pointed tongue twirled about his ear, ending on a bite on the tip of the lobe that had him gasping for breath. Her eyes fastened on his Adams Apple, her tongue flickering to catch it's movement as he swallowed his own hunger to allow hers free reign. This minute exploration of him, this skin feast, was literally mind blowing and instead of making her want to speed up to satisfy her hunger, it made her want to slow down to try to distinguish the feelings running through her.

She ran her hands over his chest sensually stroking up over the hair in the center of his chest and fanning out over his pecs ending in mirrored caresses appreciating every concave and projection of the well developed deltoids that molded his shoulders and supported his neck and head with the architectural strength of flying buttresses. The rise of the arc of muscles left hollows on both sides of his neck above his collar bone. Her hands splayed over his chest sliding her fingers over his pronounced pecs teasing his mauve male nipples, circling twisting and rolling them between her pointer and thumb and feeling them harden under ministrations. She followed her hands with warm mobile lips, her tongue and teeth the teasing surprise as she felt his ribs and nibbled at his chest. He had become much more toned since Mayfield the physical work out and therapy there, ripping his torso to a virile hardness that she appreciated even more since their hiatus from each other. She followed the dark scatter of hair down to his inny navel before continuing with avaricious delight to where the thicket forest of his pelvic hair began. She paused in her kissing of his chest, as they rolled slightly to the side and she let her hands continue the warm trail around his torso caressing his strong back the dimples above his hips and the firm high curves below. She lifted her eyes to stare at his utterly aroused face, his head thrown back his eyes half closed, his mouth half open a low velvety growl emitting from his throat.

She continued her journey downward noticing the tented peak of his boxers, but deliberately choosing to ignore it as she went even lower, rubbing his hairy legs as she began to kiss a spot on the inside of his thigh her tongue making brief forays to the back of his knee. She very deliberately ran her hand over his injured thigh but as her mouth followed her hand, he froze, still aroused, but not knowing how she could lay her delicately beautiful lips, and her pretty hot pink tongue on the rough gouge of keloided scare left by the surgery on his thigh. He shivered as she continued trailing kisses up his thigh finally arriving at his saluting member that throbbed as her hand slid in to the tent and marveled at the command of the sheik. She felt with her minute exploration of his body she tried to show him that she did accept him flaws and all, she was not perfect at it, but she felt she needed to grow into this and with her kisses lingering on the small scars and lingering on a part of his anatomy she knew he still felt subconscious about, she tried to show him she was sorry for being so harsh with him. Unable to resist she dived to kiss him there the crux of his desire which received loud and helpless response from him as she mastered his needs whipping them to frenzy but not letting him totally loose control until she was ready. She met his eyes connecting with him as an equal partner in the building of their mutual desire.

"No, he moaned, "wait" Cuddy knew it was because he wanted to be part of her immediately with no waiting, but she had other plans and as she continued to pleasure him,his protest was lost amid the the surge of pleasure as she accepted him fully loving the taste, smell and feel of his skin and its , emissions loving the cries of power and submission and eventually exultation, she was able to ring from him, as he lost all control.

He pulled her back up to him and she slid on top of his body, both breathing heavily, because that involvement with him and his pleasure had also stirred her own, but she was so willing to wait as he crooned to her kissing her all over her face and sensually caressing the moist heat of her center. He pulled her up, his body his hands on the back of her head as she straddled him and began to give him the other half of the lap dance he was owed. It did not take long before, he was ready and found her entrance the length of him sliding into her like a boat into harbor. Cuddy begin to move in undulating dance that combined movements reminiscent of the hula, the belly dance, the whine and the Rumba, that had them both gasping for air, her rhythm was sensually hypnotic, slowing down the race their blood toward completion. Her thighs began to shake as involuntary kegels began to tighten her abdomen sending her blood engorged errogeny into a series of powerful clinches.

She felt tears on he cheeks as she was somehow telescoped to her young self during that first time with him as never before had she felt so open and vulnerable to him. If she had felt deciding to have a baby had made her open to him, then carrying his child was all the more intense taking down her last defense, the wonder of it boggled her mind and made this never ending bond they had always shared as real as the small bean-shaped human with a heart beat that thrived within her. She rememberedd the in utero surgery House had performed for the photographer Emma Sloan, whose child she had saved, she thought of House allowing the tiny hand to clasp his finger and how he had been lost to that moment, and the baby would never be thought of again as a fetus and that had been clear to her even if he wouldn't admit it. Now that miracle was to be their own personal one. It was truly love made flesh and the most awesome thing she had ever been a part of and as he she collapsed down upon him he licked her tears, seeming to know her mind, he once again caressed her stomach.

"And baby makes four," he said gently. "Rachel was a miracle for you, of all the the attempts, it was as if you were meant to be ready just for her, and now this new little one. Rachel is the child of your dreams and now we will have one of our flesh, and both of our love and our spirit." he said softly his thumb tracing the tracke of her tears and even more gently the her lower lip. How could he know her fears and concerns and calm them before they even fully formed in her brain. Their communication and knowledge of each other was amazing.

#########################


	48. Chapter 48

Hello, I know it's been a while unfortunately I've had some RL drama. Hopefully I can post at least once a week until the end. Please read and post! Thanks!

Recap-From Chapter 47

She felt tears on he cheeks as she was somehow telescoped to her young self during that first time with him as never before had she felt so open and vulnerable to him. If she had felt deciding to have a baby had made her open to him, then carrying his child was all the more intense taking down her last defense, the wonder of it boggled her mind and made this never ending bond they had always shared as real as the small bean-shaped human with a heart beat that thrived within her. She remembered the in utero surgery House had performed for the photographer Emma Sloan, whose child she had saved, she thought of House allowing the tiny hand to clasp his finger and how he had been lost to that moment, and the baby would never be thought of again as a fetus and that had been clear to her even if he wouldn't admit it. Now that miracle was to be their own personal one. It was truly love made flesh and the most awesome thing she had ever been a part of and as he she collapsed down upon him he licked her tears, seeming to know her mind, he once again caressed her stomach.

"And baby makes four," he said gently. "Rachel was a miracle for you, of all the the attempts, it was as if you were meant to be ready just for her, and now this new little one. Rachel is the child of your dreams and now we will have one of our flesh, and both of our love and our spirit." he said softly his thumb tracing the track of her tears and even more gently the her lower lip. How could he know her fears and concerns and calm them before they even fully formed in her brain. Their communication and knowledge of each other was amazing.

**Chapter 48**

Cuddy was meeting House in the OBGYN unit with Dr. Hunt. House had done everything short of rolling the ultrasound in her office to try to get her to take a look at the baby within the last week. Since she suspected she was already seven weeks, he thought she would be eager to see and hear their growing embryo, but Cuddy had remained steadfast on wanting to wait to see the baby at her doctor's appointment. At first House had been a little hurt, thinking that that it would be better to share this first look with just the two of them, but then he realized that despite her show of calm Cuddy still had anxiety about having a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy and she was hoping that the baby getting another week of age or by her being in a the OBGYN's office anything that seemed off could be followed up on right away.

It was almost a superstitious belief, but instead of mocking it, he tamped down his own desires and tried to reassure her. In Dr. Hunt's office they did the usual review of medical history which was very quick for Cuddy since she had gone over all that information when she went for the fertility work up. He also did a pelvic. The main information she needed to provide was the date of her last menstrual cycle and she finally pinned it down to about three weeks after she had stopped birth control pills. She was surprised she had gotten pregnant so quickly because it usually took a few months for birth control to to really leave the system.

She had begun to have some morning sickness, but no cramping or spotting. she also had the unusual excessive urination, mood swings tiredness and blues veins on her breasts which usually only happened right before her menstrual cycle.

Cuddy exhale as she felt the cold gel on her stomach, she had not even realized she was holding it, but she could feel the anxiety creeping upon her again as the doctor began to roll over her stomach with the wand and the picture came into focus. She had never reached this point in any of her previous two pregnancies and even knowing what to expect due to her job, Cuddy was blown away. She let out a soft gasp of overwhelming happiness as held a hand over her mouth and felt the emotional tears start from blue gray eyes fixed upon the monitor.

The next sensation, was Houses hand sliding into hers as he released his own held breath and it was then she realized his stool was beside her on the exam table and he was as close as he could get. It was as if he wanted to feel her reactions and the baby through her very skin. It was incredible the little bean shaped embryo object with a big head, big beating heart on the screen in front of her. That they could hear sounding loud and strong in the room. Their mutual feelings of dread were dissipated by the first precious image of their child, she felt House's hand tighten on hers.

One of the main things the doctor checks on a an ultrasound was for defects of the head spine. Cuddy and House with their knowledge of reading ultrasound images, were able to pick up the important structures immediately, seeing the head ,the eyes and spine, the heart, the little buds that would become limbs. Cuddy at least, was still glad for the Dr. Hunt's running commentary assuring them the everything looked fine for this level of development, and of course Cuddy's greatest fear, an ectopic pregnancy, was relieved immediately. Dr. Hunt got a call, but she believed he deliberately left them alone for a few moments which they made good use of.

Looking up at House, she saw the sudden seriousness of his face and wondered what he was thinking. She knew that men felt this joy in a different way, and that it was mixed also with the weight of responsibility that made them taking stock looking to the future but gathering from the past. She knew House, with his parent and in particular father issues was particularly vulnerable and she could sense the bitter sweet in his stillness. Finally, House let out the breath he had been holding, and smiled into her her eyes his blazing blue eyes making her heart beat faster.

"I think Junior is going to have your brain," she teased, bolster his lighter mood.

"Well, if Junior ends up being Junior miss, let's hope she doesn't have your as-sets or we'll have to lock her in the basement until she's thirty." he quipped back, yelping as she pummeled his shoulder.

Wilson came out of PEDs and was surprised to see House coming from the north wing of the third floor. The only thing that way was OBGYN, The Fertility Center, The Birthing Center, Neonatal and NICU units.

"What are you doing on this floor? Wilson asked, noticing he was carrying an envelope that look like it contained a film.

"Consult." House said briefly in way that discouraged questions.

"I see you have a film, do you need me to consult as well?'

"Nope." House shot back still brief but even though the answer was curt he did not look in the least bit cranky in fact he looked... happy.

Wilson was confused about the mixed signals and a bit taken aback at seeing this expression on his friend's face, his dimples were actually showing. It wasn't so foreign since he and Cuddy seemed to have come to an understanding within the last week, but this absolute brilliance of expression was at least a megawatt brighter than anything he's ever seen on House and to add to it he was humming, not singing but humming.

"What's going, on, is Cuddy letting you move back in? Wilson knew they had made up a week ago and they were supposed to be taking it slow, but House's extreme happiness made him think there must have been progress there already.

"No yet, not officially anyway", House said removing a lollipop from his mouth to answer again briefly as they marched quickly toward the elevator.

"Well, you had a good night then," Wilson suggested archly, teased by the tune House been humming when he ran into him.

"Every night with Lisa Cuddy is a good night," House replied laconically.

They separated at their offices Wilson still puzzled but deciding to put it out of his mind to start his work day. Later that day Wilson went in to see Cuddy to meet with her about new Pet scan equipment.

As he entered Cuddy's office he was surprised to see her staring in space and she startled at his knock, and he saw her put down a couple of greeting cards on the corner of her desk, her blushy glowy face was beautiful.

"It's okay, House already gave me the news!" Wilson said slyly, trying to look like he was already in on a big secret.

"What?"Cuddy questioned in disbelief. They had agreed to keep her pregnancy a secret until she was at least three months, she did not want the rumor mill at the hospital to get it any sooner than necessary. She also had to make the board aware. She should not expected that he could keep it from Wilson the two were just too enmeshed. She continued to look at Wilson searchingly and this comical double bluff was interrupted by House himself. Cuddy looked at him releasing a breath of relief, as she begin to register that Wilson was playing her.

"Sooo, Wilson, said you gave him the head up!" She said giving House a knowing look over Wilson's shoulder and the same time she slid a sheath of papers over the greeting cards in front of her and Wilson a pro at reading upside down , if not at poker realized they were father's day cards. So Cuddy was going to give House card's from Rachel, sweet, he thought.

"Give it up Wilson, Cuddy has played poker with you too," House remarked on a dry crack of laughter.

"Wilson," Cuddy censured him in her Dean of Medicine voice. Wilson looked shamefaced for minute but then gave his two friends a defiant look.

"Well what am I supposed to do? You two keep shutting me out." Wilson pouted.

"This is a friendship not a menage a trois, didn't you get the updated social contract. We're allowed to have a few secrets now." House continued swishing his fingers back and forth between him and Cuddy.

"I know that." Wilson truculently. "But... how about a hint, cause whatever is going on is about more than what's happening between the sheets. It's something big, right?"

"I'm going to try not be insulted by that remark since it's pretty...inaccurate on all counts, " House snarked with meaning. Actually, it's a really small thing, right now, but it will be big eventually." House said with a irrepressible smile dimpling his cheeks.

Cuddy laughed, as she and House traded glances. "Stop torturing him House. That's just mean."

"Since he's not a cat, It won't kill him."House insisted.

"Well when we do tell, you will be the first to know," Cuddy insisted comfortingly.

"Ah, gee thanks!"

"Patience Wilson. Don't be such a baby!" House insisted obviously enjoying torturing his friend.

"So there is something?" Wilson gave a forbearing sigh. "You are not moving, "Wilson continued to ruminate. "Are you getting hitched? " he said, throwing out the most far fetched thing he could think of in order to provoke them.

"Not unless somebody is standing nearby with a gun." House answered laconically while giving Cuddy a lightening glance which negated his joke and gave that negation it's opposite meaning which made Cuddy catch her breath. He couldn't be serious, Cuddy thought, her teasing smile freezing while her eyes looked like a stalked doe.

Wilson, knew they were somehow carrying on their own secret conversation with him right in the room, as his eyes moved back and forth between them as if he was watching a ping-pong match even trying to read the changes in their expression. He really needed that decoder ring.

Then he heard House humming under his breath and even though the song had not had any meaning for him earlier without the words, suddenly House -like the epiphany came.

"Oh my God" Wilson exclaimed, shooting to his feet and glancing at both his friends wild eyed. "Oh- my- God!" He stared at both of them. "You're kidding me right! You have got to be kidding me!"

House and Cuddy traded smiling glances, knowing they had been found out. Wilson was glancing at them with his hand over his open mouth.

"You... you two, you two are going to be parents, together?" He questioned still not believing his compiled evidence.

"How did you guess?" House asked with a proud grin.

"That song, you've been humming all day. I finally figured out what it is."

"What song?" Cuddy asked trying to distract herself from the other suggestion House had seemed to throw out to her in their eye conversation.

"You're Having My Baby." Wilson squealed, coming toward Cuddy as she stood to accept his hug. His yelp had a high pitched echo followed by the quick shutting of her door and Cuddy realized they had been so occupied they hadn't noticed her assistant's knock and peak in, probably to tell her, her next appointment was here.

"Cuddy, I think you have some 'splaining to do." House laughed as he accepted Wilson's pat on the back.

"Yes, I have to talk to her before the whole hospital ends up thinking we really do have a menage a trois." said Cuddy going towards her outer office.

"You! A Dad?" Wilson said raising an eyebrow at House and shaking his head in amazement. He folded his hand in the prayer and looked up. "God, thank you for letting me live to see this day." He quipped.

"Here's the proof, " House said whipping the film out to show Wilson the first picture of their child.

"Hmm. Looks just like you." Wilson teased back.

"Looks like an alien, right now," House quipped in an exaggeratedly hushed tone as Cuddy reentered her office. "I guess I should have checked my boss' genetic history before I knocked her up."

################


	49. Chapter 49

Round, round, round a melody  
Round, round, round a memory  
Round, round, round a melody,  
Memory, melody, merrily.

There's a melody I used to play  
Counterpoint every yesterday.  
Swiftly up and down I hasten and  
Chasten my fingers and heart to play.

More lyrics: .com/lyrics/d/dave_brubeck/#share

Round, round, round a melody  
Round, round, round a memory  
Round, round, round a melody,  
Memory, melody, merrily.

There's a melody I used to play  
Counterpoint every yesterday.  
Swiftly up and down I hasten and  
Chasten my fingers and heart to play.

More lyrics: .com/lyrics/d/dave_brubeck/#share

Round, round, round a melody  
Round, round, round a memory  
Round, round, round a melody,  
Memory, melody, merrily.

There's a melody I used to play  
Counterpoint every yesterday.  
Swiftly up and down I hasten and  
Chasten my fingers and heart to play.

More lyrics: .com/lyrics/d/dave_brubeck/#share

Round, round, round a melody  
Round, round, round a memory  
Round, round, round a melody,  
Memory, melody, merrily.

There's a melody I used to play  
Counterpoint every yesterday.  
Swiftly up and down I hasten and  
Chasten my fingers and heart to play.

More lyrics: .com/lyrics/d/dave_brubeck/#share

Round, round, round a melody  
Round, round, round a memory  
Round, round, round a melody,  
Memory, melody, merrily.

There's a melody I used to play  
Counterpoint every yesterday.  
Swiftly up and down I hasten and  
Chasten my fingers and heart to play.

More lyrics: .com/lyrics/d/dave_brubeck/#share

Round, round, round a melody  
Round, round, round a memory  
Round, round, round a melody,  
Memory, melody, merrily.

There's a melody I used to play  
Counterpoint every yesterday.  
Swiftly up and down I hasten and  
Chasten my fingers and heart to play.

More lyrics: .com/lyrics/d/dave_brubeck/#share

Chapter 49

Cuddy had not even attempted to give House'cards for his birthday, instead she got him tickets to the monster truck show, at the beach in Wildwood, New Jersey. She wouldn't have minded if he had decided to take Wilson, but he insisted she go and surprisingly she enjoyed it. Not so much the trucks themselves but House's sense of wonder. The noise color and destruction were incredible and she actually became familiar with names like Gravedigger, Spiderman and the Crustacean.

"By next year Rachel will be ready to come" he teased, relishing her horrified face. "Rach already loves it on T.V. and she plays with toy trucks more than stuffed animals or dolls. And then the year after that, this one! It is already getting an earful today."

"So you didn't ask me because you wanted me here?" she questioned with an exaggerated pout.

"You are just a pawn in my plan to indoctrinate the next generation. Muhahaha," he gave an evil laugh.

"The best laid plans of mice and men," she retorted. You are not bringing my babies to a monster truck show. The noise will traumatize them."

For father's day they spent a day alone with Rachel just a regular Saturday, with House and Rachel in pajamas fighting over the TV remote and cereal.

A funny thing that was new with them is that Rachel had noticed House's lollipop addiction. She seemed to always know when he had one, Cuddy felt she actually could smell it on his breath so he would always have an extra. Rachel would be absolutely relentless until he produced one or let her search his pockets for it. Somehow it tickled him, this single mindedness in a toddler, and he would sometimes make it harder for her to find.

"You don't have to be your Dad, you just have to be a dad. I think at this point, you don't have a choice, Rachel has chosen you not as her friend but as her dad." House did not comment but swept his hand through the child's curls, a rueful look on his face.

A week later, Cuddy let Rachel go with her family to the beach. Her mother made and annual trip Cape May and stayed for a month. Cuddy and House would also be taking a few days off and picking Rachel up at the weekend.

They set out early on a Thursday on the road trip. They would be heading east towards the beach and then slightly north to reach Cape May. They would be spending a couple nights alone before picking up Rachel and Cuddy was looking forward to the getaway, even though they had the house to themselves for almost a week. Cuddy had rented a late model convertible for the trip. It was a red Mustang with a cream colored top and House was eager to do the driving. It would be exciting to have the top down, and drive the coastal and rural roads that would take them to Cape May. Mid June had presented with some super hot days, but thankfully the day of the drive presented a bright, clear, and in the high 70's ,perfect for a wind blown drive. The blue reminded her of the eyes of her love, and the puffy 3D clouds in the sky held the magical shapes of her imagining instead of any sense of foreboding.

They were only about an hour from the coast and they drove straight across taking 195 avoiding Atlantic City. They drove a flat but curvy dual lane highways through fields with huge bails of rolled hay and irrigation machines. Occasionally far out in the fields there were loping brown and white Jersey cows and and shiny dark coated Arabian horses. It was pretty as a postcard. House had planned for them to stay at an Inn in farm country before continuing down the coast the next day. It was a short drive and she had not seen the need for the stop until they arrived at the Inn. They saw the signs for Banderberg Farm from 5 miles away but were not prepared for the size of the layout, it was a working farm with livestock and planting fields which was marketed as a picking farm. It was not unlike the one they had spent their first night at all those years ago, the similarities were not lost on her and she felt a certain expectation invade here senses. The old farmhouse had been turned into a beautiful bed and breakfast and they brought in their bags and settled in before exploring. They did go horseback riding and then took a packed lunch out into the fields to walk through the winery and the orchards. The apples were still in flower, not yet even little green apples, but the rows of trees, took her right back to the first night with him. Instead of the scent of apples, it was only a faint smell from the budding blossoms which was overwhelmed by the smell of strawberries, ripe for the picking.

Cuddy heard the music first, it sounded like carnival music, but then she recognized Mozart's Rondo alley Turca. She turned immediately and her gaze crashed into House's electric blue eyes, and they were both smiling almost laughing with the memories. She had often heard him play this piece in college it had been one of his favorites. Her theory had been that the music's faintly comic and frenetic circular pace, echoed the speed of his overactive brain, yet pulled him out of his thought loops and forced his OCD to an external channel. He had especially liked the Al Jarreau lyrical version, and often used sing and hum snatches of it while they were studying especially when he thought she was getting sleepy. They kept walking following the music and as they rounded a bend and there it was, a carousel, beautiful, glittering, almost a mirage in the falling twilight and it was moving.

"Oh my goodness. Will you look at that?" Cuddy asked as excited as a child. "Rachel would love it. Can we bring her back past on our way home" she said picking up her pace so that she was almost running toward the turning, glittering, marvel in the middle of a field of green velvet. An older man in a cap stood by the mechanism and he had a grin on his face.

"If you start it up they, will come, " he said with a laugh, slowing and eventually stopping the carousel.

Cuddy had straddled a horse, and was laughing down at House, reaching out her hand to invite him to climb on. House climbed the steps and came to stand beside her not deigning to choose a mount as the the carousel began to turn and play music. It was then she noticed the brass ring and began to twirl her fingers at it like an eager child. It took two turns around and he held her while she extended her arm, her yoga practice making it possible even though she was sitting in the middle row and had to reach under the hoofs of a rising Zebra to get to the big brass ring. Holding it up in smiling triumph.

"Lisa Cuddy will you marry me?" he asked. It seemed almost impulsive as it tumbled out, but it wasn't.

Cuddy gasped feeling like she was rushing through space at 1000 miles an hour and then as if some universal reverse engine had gone into effect everything began to go in slow motion and then stop as she met his eyes. Soul windows of Cerulean met Periwinkle in a union as timeless and constant as sea and sky. It was an instant of oneness of knowing and of utter vulnerability of one to the other. Bliss flowed through her like wine he wanted her forever. And she knew she would never want anyone else.

"House," she said in claiming way that sounded like "Yes", as she cupped the side of his face.

"You are sure? You don't have to do this. There's no one standing nearby with a gun." she said with a whimsical smile.

"I could say the same thing, but I won't. By any means necessary", he teased back with a rueful grin. Cuddy gave an involuntary laugh, but he noticed the tears in her eyes the only mystery was, were they tears of joy or pain.

"Cuddy, I want to do this. I know this is probably a shock to you. I'm the man, that doesn't care what others think, if I'm with you, I'm with you and a paper is not going to make it more or less binding. But you care, yes you do," he reiterated as she started to protest. And I might not care about what people think, but I do care what our child will think."

"So, this is about legitimizing our child? "Cuddy protested feeling the cold, murky waters of doubt swirl around her feet. Is this feeling what they meant by cold feet she wondered.

House watched her expression change from pure joy to a seeping stain of doubt. It was just a flicker and most people wouldn't have noticed, but he had spent years deciphering her every expression.

"No, Cuddy, at least it's not only that. I feel, this, he said rubbing her thickening waistline is the biggest commitment of all. We are locked in for life. We will be in each others lives for ever, after that what is a piece of paper?"

"I would hope it means something to you, since you are proposing this?" Her expression looked as if she was being offered food by a culture and refusal might lead to death or cannibalization, hopefully in that order. It was this that somehow in the middle of his plea set his teeth on edge.

"Cuddy, it means everything, it means you are it for me. I don't want to try with anyone else. I only want you." he said softly but there was a bit of impatience also. You took a big risk on me when I came out of Mayfield, against all advice, you gave me a chance. Yes we've had a some bumps, but here we are a year later still standing. It's been a lot more good than bad, at least for me."

"For me too" she said on a rush, realizing that in the last year she had grown emotionally in more ways than she had ever expected.

"Then,why don't you reach for the big brass ring?" he said, looking directly into her eyes.

Cuddy of course could not resist the blue eyes piercing hers, she almost felt hypnotized. How could she go from, not allowing him to live with her to agreeing to marry him in a matter of a few weeks.

"We are already a family. Don't worry it's going to work out. "

"Where's the House that doesn't deal in false promises and guarantees. You can't know that, " she denied.

"I know I want it to, with everything in me. I have never wanted anything so much. And I can be pretty determined. As long as we are both committed, we have as good a shot as anyone. In fact I would say better than most." His smile became teasing. "Remember when I came back from Mayfield and Hoffman's daughter almost died in the clinic and kept dying a little more every hour? And you said we were on a tight rope and I said..."

"Don't look down."

"I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't want to sabotage and screw this up. I just want to be someone that's actually worthy of you, that deserves to be with you and Rachel and this new one that is from both of us."

"You said I see things as they are and as I want them to be, but what I don't see is the gaping chasm in between. I'm trying to see that gaping chasm now House, I think we both need to see it."

"Talk about your own words coming back to haunt you." he said with an ironic dryness that made her smile. "Yes, we need to see the chasm, but we don't have to fall in it, Cuddy. You told me last night that no one would ever love me like you do. I didn't need you to tell me that, I know it" he said fiercely. "You have seen me at my best and my worst and you still loved me enough to go through with this he said touching her stomach in gentle wonder. "I know you need this Cuddy, even though you still have had doubts. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Marriage is just like that, everyone has doubts."

Cuddy shook her head, smiling as she reached up to cup his face, he was her life, she realized their fates were sealed and she wouldn't want it any other way.

"You had me at, why don't you reach for the big brass ring." she replied softly. Smiling as he reached in his pocket and pulled out a velvet jeweler's box. The last light was fading as she glanced down at the simple platinum band with a single 2 carat stone. It was gorgeous and oddly traditional, just like the man before her. It was hard to tell which was brighter the diamond on her finger the single tear gliding down her cheek or the stars that begin to twinkle in a barely dark sky. As they walked back through the orchard, House grabbed her hand and began singing snatches of the lyrics by Al Jarreau and Dave Brubeck, doing some quite credible scatting that made her heart leap. This was happy House. Incredible! She suddenly stopped tugging his hands to halt their progress. Her arms went up around his his neck and his mouth met hers halfway. As he hummed and scatted against her lips, the vibration was the most sensuous and primal love making she had ever known. His breath whispered into her seeming to fine tune her bodily rhythms so their breaths seem to merge into unison becoming so attuned that truly in that moment that they were one.

Round,round,round a melody

Round,round a mystery

Round,round a melody

Mystery, mirror of history.

Taking over all my reveries  
Hearing passions in the melodies

Play it up and down so wearily-  
Stumbling,fumbling,tumbling.

Round,round town I follow you.  
Round,round town I'm calling you.  
Round,round town I hasten to do  
all the chasing you want me to.

Open up an opportunity,  
For I know that you will be  
Truly happy and content with me.  
Measure me,treasure me,pleasure me.

Round,round,round a melody  
Round,round,round a harmony  
Round,round,round a melody,  
harmony,mystery-you and me.

Don't you see  
That we were meant to be,  
One and the same.  
Melody,married to harmony,

One and the same

Change the score

We will be ever more

One and the same

Melody married to harmony

One and the same

Here it comes our symphony

Measure by measure a pleasure  
A melody and harmony

You and me in harmony

You and me so happy

We're making it

Shaking the blues ain't bothering me.

Dee dee do daow, bomp bao dow bomp bidy bang...


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

As he hummed and scatted against her lips, the vibration was the most sensuous, primal love making she had ever known. His breath whispered into her seeming to fine tune her bodily rhythms so their breaths seem to merge in unison becoming so attuned that truly in that moment it seemed that they were one.

They continued to wander among the orchards once more, hands joined and swinging, the trees forming an arc of blossom laden greenery. They had paused against the low slung Y of a gnarled apple tree when they noticed a stack of hay bales set up in a rectangle with loose hay in the center. It reminded her of a sand box. It was probably visiting children to have hay fights or it was part of a pumpkin patch display. The smell of the hay, horses, the apple blossoms brought back many memories. It was over 20 years ago and ,yet; it felt like yesterday.

They turned towards each other and she could barely see his eyes in the gloaming, until he closed the gap between them and it was almost as if they were dancing in place. They could still hear, no longer the carousel but this time coming from the direction of the Inn. There was a sing-a-long with a local band on the small terrace at the Inn. It reminded her of the singing around the campfire, that night in college. She could hear a man's voice singing "Moondance". It was early summer, but as the singer floated out the words October skies, he held the note as sharply as they held their memories of their first October, years ago. House reached out and she folded into him, feeling his arms close almost convulsively around her, standing that way, they swayed in a minimalist dance until the song ended.

"We haven't had dessert yet," House said, pulling back almost abruptly, deliberately breaking the nostalgia.

"Oh," she said with a smirk, lifting her chin and slanting him a knowing glance. She was ready to abandon all regrets and live in the now with strong, yet realistic hope for the future.

"Actually I'm talking about the deep dish apple pie in the basket," he laughed, nuzzling the side of her neck. Soon they had spread the blanket on the platform of hay and were seated with the basket between them, diving into the pie and some delicious chunks of New York Aged cheese and cider. There was even whipped cream which delighted House. She had just spooned whip cream on a piece of pie, and was lifting it to a plate, when he dived in and took half of it in one bite. She laughed at him, her cheeks hot with memories. It was not an apple like last time, but a apple pie was close enough. He ended up with whip cream on his nose which she leaned in and licked off.

"Lets save some whip cream for later," he rasped, in a ultra sexy voice that made her giggle.

She gave a soft sensual smile as she wound her arms around his neck.

"I know you are trying to recreate out first night. It's very sweet, but we can't do this, not out here," she sighed, reluctantly, but there was a soft laugh in her voice like she wanted to be persuaded.

"But we are out here.. alone," he whispered back against her lips. "No one is around."

"I'm more than twice the age I was then and pregnant, House, and you..." she hesitated, "your leg." she said knowing he would not like to be reminded. We can't have a make out session on the ground." she protested, putting a hand up to his bearded jaw, the hair softer than the prickly stubble that had once donned his face. It was wasted breath, because there was a warm glow in his eyes as he bent to kiss her, lush pressure kisses that caused soft, an ardent whimper to escape her throat.

"Don't use my leg and our tadpole, as an excuse just because you've turned into a prude. And make out? That better be a euphemism, cause if that's all you remember, then your memory definitely needs refreshing. First of all, it wasn't on the ground. We were on hay, just like now. And I definitely made it to fifth base."

"There is no fifth base" she retorted gurgling with laughter.

"I think we created one, or perhaps we just re-ran the bases. I may have thrown in an Anatomy, lesson as well" he said suggested teasingly.

"Funny, I don't remember a question about baseball on any of my quizzes." She lost her thoughts as his kisses continued, as hypnotizing as a snake charmer, he began humming an R&B song " Secret Garden" against the skin of her neck. Cuddy giggled before she even heard the words because back when they were in college guys used to call any Barry White, or Brian McKnight song a begging song.

Cuddy suddenly felt free of all anxiety and need for control. Perhaps, it was the hormones but it felt as if her brain's usually critical judgment had gone on holiday and her mind had expanded to include the arch of trees and the bowl of stars above them. Falling for her feelings was exactly what she had done, what she was doing finally, not just her passion, but the undeniable need she had to love this man, not despite his flaws but because of them. She was melting... falling was better than running wasn't it? In one last vain attempt to save herself, she challenged him.

"If you remember so much from that night. What was I wearing?"

"Do you mean before or after, I kissed your clothes off." he taunted, looking at her from beneath half closed lids, his smile so knowing, so owning. It was as if he knew parts of her, her drives and her weaknesses that she didn't even know herself. She gave a punishing nip to his bottom lip, realizing he probably did know, he proved it every time, even on their first night.

"Before, you were wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, Lee, that looked as if you had hot water shrunk them to fit your body and pulled the zip up with a pair of pliers. They had been ironed enough to have a lighter crease mark down the front, and you had brown western boots with three- inch heels. On top, you wore a white lacy camisole under your University of Michigan Blue hoodie and your hair was a curly mass like now, but a little longer and it smelled like Chamomile... Hmmn, he leaned down to hum again against her lips, as if he was playing a Harmonica. Afterwards, you were wearing some straw and a blissful grin and your strawberry lip gloss was all gone...all over m." he teased.

"House," she protested. "Okay, that's just scary," she said on a gasp, ignoring his provocation, but acknowledging his accuracy about the clothing. She had a sudden regret that she had not asked him what he had been feeling instead, but his snapshot memory told her a lot. Then his hands began moving to tangle in her hair and the way he looked at her made he whole body blush, her burning skin felt as if it was invisible. She could not see the blue of his eyes but she could feel their intensity.

"So, do you remember what I was wearing? " he challenged back.

"Nope!" She admitted with a grin, I was a little preoccupied with what was underneath."

"Ha! Good answer." You narrowly averted some punishment."

"But you are the one who likes punishment."she teased back.

"Yes, mistress," he said in his deep suggestive voice."That's why you, my lovely, get to be on top." he inveigled her. Cuddy felt, rather than saw the suggestive flex of his eyebrows. His lips had a sexy twist as he leaned down to put them to diabolical use, kissing her left ear, sucking the lobe with a persuasive pull, before his tongue darted in with a twirling slippery titivation that made her weak.

She moaned, her surrender as she felt him bury his nose in her hair, breathing in her scent. She turned her head to kiss him desperately, arching her head up to allow her mouth to seek the boned ridges under his stubbled jaw. She explored the length of his neck nibbling tendons, her nimble tongue bathing the hollows and the bobble of his Adam's apple. She unbuttoned his shirt with impatient fingers so that she could kiss his mauve nipples to attention. Her hormones and the engorgement in her nether regions were working against her and soon they were spooning, his body curled tightly against her back, with only enough space between them for his hands to move from derriere to hip, to tenderly caress her slightly swollen abdomen.

House had been teasing her recently about a baby bump, but it was still pretty much invisible, when she was dressed, especially since she had abandoned her tightest clothes; yet, House could feel it, and the burgeoning of this and her other assets, were a wonder, an extra temptation. She was such a woman, now, in every sense of the word. He was in awe of the beauty ten pounds and a flood of hormones had wrought, sculpting her every body part, from her thighs to her breasts, into perfectly rounded forms that made him want her even more. Not just desire her, but want her body and soul. Her libido was nothing to laugh at and soon his hand had wandered from her belly to slide lower to a wet velvety darkness that concealed...bliss. She turned to face him urgently, her arms and legs winding around him as her mouth slanted across his eagerly.

His tongue slid into her mouth and it was familiar yet, new again, a different feeling, their connection now thrown on the alter of forever, filling them with feelings as big as the universe. She was slowly seduced by the sweet, gentle foray of his tongue as it lapped the under side of her bottom lip before coiling around her own tongue, in a snake like glide, beginning a mindless flickering rhythm as he went deeper. His movements offered tenderness inextricably melded with scalding passion as he slowly began to unbutton her hot pink sundress, a row of twenty small pearl buttons. His long fingers twirled with musical skill down the front of her dress and for each button undone, the skin revealed, was rewarded with a warm air kiss, that stirred the fine hairs, with steam heat from his aching breaths, before being made flesh with the probe of dextrous tongue. "Impossible that you get more beautiful, everyday," he whispered, as they leaned back on the blanket, rolling as he kissed the skin on her chest and torso, both breathing out in unison, as his mouth closed over one nipple, while his fingers bid the other to wait it's turn. His hands stroked the fabric away from her body as he rained a line of claiming kisses down towards her abdomen, making her head turn from side to side in a frenzy of desire. He avoided her heated core to continue down the length of her legs and then back up descending and climbing her like a spiral staircase his mouth and hands moving from her ankle to the front of her shin, to the back of her knee and then back to give her a hot claiming kiss high on her inner thigh that steamed them like an engine of desire. The smell of the hay rose around them, released by the heat of their bodies churning in an excess of catastrophic hunger. His hairy, muscular legs were between hers, her thighs moved like fluttering wings and as she felt them slide together skin to skin, one two headed creature in a point counterpoint of targeted motion evoking emotion. She couldn't think, everything began moving too fast for her to register. His hands were on her back supporting her extended position as she arched her body towards him like a plant seeking sunlight. In that moment there was such a thirst in his kisses that she wanted to cry. She remembered a few weeks ago, that her orgasms had started to get so intense, she had felt such strong contractions that she had been afraid for the baby. Even though they both knew that sex during pregnancy was fine for most, because of her past problems she had been a little cautious until she had been checked and reassured by her OBGYN. House had become so solicitous and often let her take the lead, not pushing her to the edge of insanity as was his wont, but surely over the weeks they had reattained their assurance and rhythm and lost the fear of this connection that was very important for them both. Then in a gathering intensity of passion, he was rolling so that she ended up on top of him her body gleaming naked in the dark, the dress open but still covering her back. They were like dancers,she was soaring, intensely aware of her timing, of following through on the full range of each movement and making it count, stretching her into a mind spinning rhythm of mouths, tongues and skin, until she pushed the rhythm faster and faster needing it and giving him the lap dance of his dreams. He was the master at waiting until she was ready but recently with pregnancy hormones she had been the jack rabbit, her involuntary spastic movements heralded the ecstasy that hit her first and precipitated him to follow. She fell upon him exhausted and glowing, kissing him all over his face crooning her delight as after shocks of feeling still quivered through her, and danced on the surface of her skin, she slid to his side her her legs squeezing his hairy muscled legs avoiding the weakened thigh. The twilight had begun to deepen to indigo darkness, and she rolled over to look at the stars, she found herself resting on the thick wool blanket with her head thrown back to offer him her neck which he was still nuzzling. " Are you okay?" He asked. "I'm more than okay" she admitted softly. After they had cuddled for a while, and were both drifting toward sleep, Lisa stretched with delight against the length and breadth of the male body intertwined with her own. "We paid for a beautiful room with a hot shower and hot tub back at the Inn, I think we should probably make some use of it." "And the bed he said softly." "Yes, that too!" "Lisa..." he said, his voice a soft question, as he was touched her stomach once more and she was surprised at the change in his tone. It was almost hesitant, yet harsh with pain and he had used her name. Something moved within her a feeling of knowing, then pain, and then acceptance and resolution. She knew what he was asking before he said it, but she made herself wait for his words. "I'm so sorry, about what happened, afterward... the baby, losing it...that you had to go through it alone." "I know," she said softly stroking his face. "It was my fault too, for shutting you out." " Aren't we a pair. Though I think I hold the record." "I wish I could believe it will never happen again... but at least we're getting faster at finding our way back to each other." " Well, now we have a built-in homing device." "Are you really happy about all this? You are not the white picket fence kind of guy" "Cuddy, I'm not promising a white picket fence. All I can promise is that with the feelings I have for you, all three of you, that I want us to have a reason to fight for it. That's all. "That all I could possibly ask for she said looking up at him misty eyed. "Then tomorrow we can sleep in a bit and have one of the Inn's famous breakfasts and then go to the courthouse and apply for a marriage license." His voice had lost the introspection. "What?" she squeaked, jackknifing to a sitting position. " You're aware that the proposal you said yes to was for marriage? The next step would be getting a license, right? We're not engaged to be engaged, or anything." The pointed irony of his tone was not lost on her. "I did say yes, but what's the rush? It only takes a couple of days." " Three days." he said succinctly. "We have to get it some time. Why not now?" He asked, his voice far too calm, lulling, in fact. "There's no gun," she insisted leaning toward him with breathless anxiety. "Perhaps not a gun, but there is an arrow." Lisa Cuddy felt a thrill of fear mingled with excitement fill her, Gregory House on a mission was unstoppable except by one Lisa Cuddy. The question was, did she want to stop him?


	51. Chapter 51

exposed shoulders and upper back, avoiding direct pressure on the spine.

Read more: How to Do Massage Therapy | .com/how_5114857_#ixzz17I9oz6uT

Chapter 51

Cuddy was cruising into her third month with a fairly uneventful pregnancy. She felt, dare she say it contented, if that word could even be used to describe the topsy turvy world her work and home life continued to be. But there was a pattern, even to House's behavior, and it seemed he was making a super human effort now to be more cooperative and not throw her any extreme curve balls. House's usual hijinks did not alarm her, in fact if the truth be known, it was part of his attraction and she felt she was settling in to moments of bliss at a time. Perhaps it was the hormones, and she was nesting or perhaps it was finally making that commitment, but she was exhaling at last. Exhaling with Greg House, incredible!

She rarely admitted to herself that sometimes she felt the other shoe had to drop some time, it was House's way of thinking, that happiness was short lived and exacted a price from those fools silly enough to believe. It was at around 4 1/2 months that she could swear she began to feel the baby move, at first House could not feel it.

"It's a bit early isn't it? Probably that Lasagna you had for dinner," he teased her kissing the side of her neck.

"No, they some Moms feel it as early as 13 weeks. It feels like a tremor, like a butterfly trapped in my tummy." she laughed.

"Oh, that." he teased. I feel that whenever I'm around you and I assure you I'm not growing an infant. It usually means little Greg wants to come out and play."

" Well Greg Jr. has almost five months before he can come out and play," Cuddy giggled, deliberately misunderstanding.

House though did become a bit jealous of her ability to feel movement and she would ofeten wake up to find his ear, hand or mouth against her tummy. It was what convinced her to agree to them jumping the gun on her OBGYN appointment and doing the next ultrasound themselves. House pretended he was just anxious to see the baby again and it wasn't about finding out the sex, but she knew better. He could hardly contain his excitement as they closed themselves in the exam room room and Cuddy lay down on the exam table pulling up her top and loosening her elastic waist skirt so it was very low on her hips. Next the squeezing sound of the gel and the cold sensation as House rubbed it on her swollen abdomen. It took a minute for the placement of the probe and then the familiar sound of the fetal heartbeat came into the room with the picture on the monitor as House rubbed the wand across her abdomen.

Their eyes soon picked up the bean shape object that had developed into a discernible human with hands and legs and feet, the pulsing heart beat was strong as in the room. Then extended out from below it's belly was another small protuberance, at first she thought it was a shadow of the umbilical cord, but the infant seemed to be responding to his father's manipulation and turned to the side, just in time for them to see clearly. It was definitely a penis. House and Cuddy turned their eyes locking idiot grins splitting there faces. It would have been perfect no matter what they got, but a daughter and a son, was just about as perfect as you could get.

"Time to start thinking up names, Jr. will be here in no time."

"Oh House? Jr. is that what you want a Gregory Jr.?" She asked.

"God no. The poor kid has to make do with me as a Dad. At least let him have his own name. It was soon after that the leg started getting worse, or at least that is what Wilson told her a couple weeks later, for her the realization descended like the proverbial ton of bricks. She was late home one day, an executive emergency board meeting had run long and as she entered her home there was House and Rachel staring at each other both of them visibly upset and teary.

"What the hell happened here?" Cuddy demanded, not knowing who to go to first. She subconsciously scooped Rachel up and then went toward the sofa to touch House's shoulder and fearfully ask him what had happened.

Amazingly House and Rachel were looking at each other in mixture of yearning. And horror.

"Daaac," Rachel cried pitifully. Boo, boo," she whined, reaching her spindly fingers out insistently. He grabbed her fingers and kissed them, even though Cuddy could tell he was barely breathing, he was in pain.

Rachel seemed to calm down after House kissed her fingers and stopped reaching for him, just staring at him with big sorrowful I eyes.

"I hurt Daac," she whimpered sorrowfully as a huge tear fell out of her eye.

"She was looking for a lollipop," House said quickly between gritted teeth, not her fault, "I've been having some pain recently. Today has been a bad day," he admitted reluctantly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were having pain again House? Why are you keeping this from me? If I had known, I could have had the nanny stay late with Rachel. Then you both would have been spared this upset. Shh, she told Rachel kissing her on the cheek, He is okay. He knows you didn't mean it." She whispered soothingly as she let Rachel bend around her to give House another kiss, and actually it momentarily seemed to calm him allowing him to exhale and focus on the concern in the little girl's eyes instead of his own pain. She gave House a hot moist towel to wrap his leg from the guest bathroom and then went to take Rachel to her room.

As upset she as she was with House she knew now was not the time to vent. Instead she went to run him a hot bath and then went back to the nursery to get Rachel her ready for bed. The little girl was sleepy and a little fractious, but the tears and even the leftover hiccups were gone, even though she had her thumb in her mouth. Cuddy abhorred this and had worked to divorce her from the pacifier, but wondered if it would have been the lesser of the evils.

She did not try to dissuade her realizing she needed something. She sat by her bed, stroking her back and whispering encouragingly even while her thoughts were with the man down the hall in the bathtub. She knew it would be no where near as easy to ease his pain or fears, and what about her own. They had come so far, so far, and yet, yet he still managed to conceal things, the most important things. Why? Feeling the rise and fall of Rachel's regular breathing brought a momentary sense of calm. She kissed her on her cheek easing the thumb from her mouth, turned out the top light and went down the hall.

Cuddy was not surprised to see House sitting on the the side of the bed in a towel. He looked like his pain was better, but now that she knew he had kept it from her all day, she searched carefully for signs of prevarication.

"How's the leg she said with concern, coming over toward the bed,

"It's okay," he said too quickly, too dismissively.

"Don't lie to me House." She said sitting on the bed beside him and reaching for the towel.

"Unh, uh. Don't touch unless you're planning on delivering a happy ending", he quipped.

"No red herrings, House." Cuddy insisted his humor increasing rather than allaying her fears.

"Red herring? That's not what you said last night," he said with an exaggerated whine. "I'm insulted on behalf of little Greg."

"House, please, this is not a joke. Rachel is okay, but this didn't have to happen. You have solutions for your pain and if they are not working then you need to do something about it."

"I'm sorry about Rachel, I did not mean to scare her." he said, looking down. "I didn't yell, I just gasped."

"I'm more worried about you. Rachel got a scare but she's asleep and she will be fine tomorrow. I know you wouldn't do anything to scare her, but you do need to be honest about your pain."

"It's better, really, but I do have bad days, I probably always will."

"Is this the worse pain you've had since Mayfield?" She asked gently. "I don't remember seeing you in that much pain in a long time."

"Cuddy, I should be the one taking care of you, I don't want you to worry about me, right now. Your pregnancy should not be a time when you are worried about me. I want you to be relaxed."

"Then House you can't keep things from me. Perhaps you need to follow up with the pain specialist if the current regime isn't working. Did you go to physical therapy? You could have called for an urgent appointment. I did get her to teach me a few things."

House turned suddenly heavy lidded eyes on her, well maybe it does still hurt a little."he said.

"House! She sputtered indignantly, feeling herself relax for the first time since she had been home. He couldn't be hurting too bad if he was giving her one of those looks.

"Well, you know endorphins are a pain suppressant." he responded suggestively.

Cuddy smirked, but did not go for his thigh immediately. Lie down on your stomach she instructed, sounding faintly Swedish and with discipline that countered her intention of not giving House an arousal. House complied with with alacrity, once she had arranged a folded towel to support his forehead and give her access to his neck and shoulders. She had a cup warmer on the night stand that they used to warm massage oil and soon with the warm oil rubbed between her hands, the heat releasing it's cedar like smell.

Then she began by rubbing the back of his neck, smoothing the muscles in his back with long broad relaxing strokes with the flattened palm of her hand, before gradually beginning to flip her hand in a curling stroke, to sweep up his back with palm side up. She heard a groan from him which was an involuntary surrender to relaxation which had her mouth curving in triumph. up doing a firmer deeper massage in concentric circles working around his shoulder blades, before she began to kneed his shoulders she went down to shoulder blades and began to twist and roll them and his groans became deeper an more appreciative, she could feel the stress in neck and especially in his shoulders, more in the left where he leaned on the cane. She began to lighten her touch as she smoothed the length of his back smoothed over his buttocks, trying not to arouse, at least not yet, and she could feel his body relaxing under his ministrations.

By the time he rolled over onto his back and she continued on the front side he was breathing evenly and by the time she peeled the warm towel and began to work on his damaged thigh muscle, she could tell he was lightly sleeping, she rubbed his leg the his thigh and she could tell there was stress there but as her touch lighted over his injury she realized that he was telling the truth that most of his pain was gone.

"I can't believe you flaked out on me" she whispered and instantly his hand snaked out to pull her body on top of his.

"I was just trying not to get too excited. If I went to sleep after that massage, you might as well call in the transplant coordinator." He whispered starting to nuzzle her neck. She found that her own impatience with him had melted with the tension in his shoulders and back, touching his skin had been like a meditation for her, easing his pain and tension away had been a constructive release of her own worry and a way to show her love and concern. It was like she had poured her love into the healing heat

radiating from her fingers, but now as his tongue found the beating pulse in the hollow at the base of her throat he was more than returning the favor, it was if his heat was penetrating her skin to stir the nerves and pulses underneath.

She felt her slow sensual lassitude ruffled to a writhing frenzy before she felt the sharp talons of desire piercing her core. Her sounds had proceeded from from soft dove like moans of desire and encouragement to deeper guttural groans of hunger as his mouth wandered slowly down her body his lips alternately sucking, mind blowing kisses that melted her skin from her bones.

By the time the darkness was pierced with her high pitched shrieks of demand echoing in his ears, House felt a sudden joy in her body and his response to it. Her form was morphing to a different shape, it's usual svelte litheness developing into a round womanly that had a burgeoning beauty and sensuality, a maturity, depth and earthiness that would inform her aura from this day forward.

#####


	52. Chapter 52

**Chapter 52**

The next day, she and Wilson had their weekly lunch, and after talking hospital and board business,

Cuddy got to what had been on her mind for the last 20 hours, House's pain. She asked Wilson. What and when he had noticed?

"I did notice something about a week ago. He winced when he stood up in the cafeteria, and I asked him about it and he said it was just a momentary twinge. I watched for the rest of the day and didn't see any more signs of pain. Are you sure you are not over reacting?"

"Wilson, who are we talking about here, House, the master of deflection? You know, he's probably having more pain than he's letting anyone see. I knew this regimen would probably not keep him going forever, but..." she paused biting her lip.

"Cuddy, you are not doing the guilt, head trip are you?"

"House, has had a lot of changes in his life Wilson, big changes. We've always known that a large component of his pain was attached to his mood and stress level."

"And by that crude and inverted logic you are going to deduct you are the problem? Cuddy that's ridiculous! The changes House has gone through are positive, and I think he is as close to happy as he can get."

"I notice that you didn't say happy, you said close to happy. I think even though House loves our life there is part of him that feels stifled. Like I built a picket fence around him, stake by stake, while he was hopped up on endorphins," she said ruefully.

"Cuddy, it was House himself who pushed for those changes, right?" And at her nod he continued. "Everyone has some ambivalence about their choices, that's life. Yes, House probably has some, and so do you, it would be crazy if you didn't, but if you think it is enough to be causing his pain, I think you are barking up the wrong tree."

"Wilson, the pain seemed to get worse after this last sonogram, the baby is real now, and House knows it's a boy... do you think he's afraid?"

Wilson stared at her for a minute, and nodded in acknowledgment instead of automatically denying. "That is possible...House does have serious Daddy issues, and Mommy issues too. I think he has begun dealing with some of those with Rachel, but this is a whole new level of commitment and kinship, I'd be surprised if he is not afraid of repeating his father's mistakes. As ego driven as House is about his work, on the flip side with intimate relationships he has low self esteem. He can't figure out why anyone would care about him. He feels too screwed up to be worthy. That's what took him so long to try with you. That's what makes him test me by seeing how much crap I will take off him, and how much food and money he can bum off me. So it wouldn't be surprising for him to doubt himself as a parent."

"He's done great with Rachel, though, better than I ever dared hope and she loves him to death. What can I do?"

"See if he's talking to his shrink about it. I know he's happy about the baby Cuddy, wasn't it his idea?" at her nod, he continued. "I'll see if he'll talk to me about it. I'm sure House sees it as a dad's responsibility to at least be able to physically keep up with his boy and toss him a ball. House could do that even as he is now, but he would feel selfconscious about it."

"Thanks, Wilson," she said with a sad smile, that did not quite reach her periwinkle blue eyes

"Don't worry, it will be okay. House is happy, and that in it self probably scares the hell out of him. You should be happy too Cuddy. You both have come such a long way. I wish you could have heard him singing the morning after he found out you were pregnant, then you would have no doubts about what his true feelings are. He may be scared, many men are, but he wants this with you, Cuddy. He's been able to move forward without letting the negative forces in his nature win. Believing in him, believing in the two you together is more than half the battle.

But there were things about their relationship that neither she nor House had shared with Wilson, and it made her wonder how effective he could be in his efforts to help.

If Cuddy had been in Wilson's office later that day she would have been surprised at his effectiveness. Wilson, had never been afraid to call House on his deflections, denials and downright destructive behavior. Recently he had become a lot more subtle, because House had actually grown more aware in many ways since his sojorn at Mayfield.. He actually manged to keep at least one foot in the adult world most of the time and Wilson, was as proud as a papa who's son had gone from falseto to baritone, and gained five inches in one summer. Despite his careful approach, Wilson noticed House's knee jerk reaction as he actually jack-knifed up from the office sofa where he had been lounging.

"House this is not just about the pain, this is about worthiness, you don't feel like you're enough just as you are, pain and all. Even though Cuddy has stuck with you and not only commited to you but to have your child, you still don't believe you are worthy. That's the problem, that's the real problem House." House looked so angry, that for minute Wilson drew back as if to avoid a blow.

"How dare you tell me what my problem is. I wish for one damn hour you could feel my pain Wilson, just one hour of it would do you in."

"House you were managing the pain ,the pain was fine now suddenly it's unbearable again overnight, I just don't buy it. I'm sure Cuddy has told you she doesn't need you to change, but did you ever get that from anyone when you were young? Did anyone tell you you were enough, House, that they didn't need you to be perfect, or improved or different."

"Cuddy says, that and she means it, but on a practical everyday basis, I do have to adjust in order to make this relationship work. Everyone does, I would expect nothing less... My mother, she is the only one, ever who really meant it and then, again, I wonder?"

"You say that like you didn't believe her or is it that you don't now?"

"I didn't, I don't."

"Why?" Wilson challenged.

"Cause of course she had to say that, I was her son. She couldn't admit she had created anything, even though the back door, that was less than perfect."

"House, why can't you believe she really meant it, to her you are that perfect son. She would not ask for more or different."

"I don't believe it. Because if she had really felt it, she wouldn't have let my father try to correct me and bend me to his will. There was nothing I could do to make that man happy or proud. Sometimes it seemed the harder I tried the worst it got."

The team had called her, looking for House. It was still not unusual for him to disappear, and sense the pregnancy was beginning to slow her down, he did not have to go far to elude her, but for some reason she felt an exaggerated sense of worry and fear. She had to page him 911 before he would pick up.

"Where are you? The team has been looking for you. Your patient has been rushed to cardiac ICU and they are out of ideas about what may be wrong with him."

"I'm on my way back, I'll call them and get the update."

"On your way back from where?"

"The pain specialist. "

"What! Is the pain that bad?"

"No, it's not the worst day, but I thought it was time for a check in. Haven't you been bugging me about going?"

"Yes, but I thought you'd want me to go with you." she said, in a slightly put out voice.

"Cuddy, don't fret. I appreciate you wanting to be there, but it wasn't necessary. It's not like it's the first time."

Cuddy gave an impatient sigh, trying to not feel shut out.

"What did you decide? Did he suggest a new course of pain management? What if he wanted to give you a muscle relaxant? How would you have driven back?"

"I would have called you and Wilson to pick me up. Besides I wouldn't let him give me anything that wouldn't allow me to drive.

There was a surprise when House got home he had been fitted with a trial pain implant device. It was almost the size of a pace maker and he had an IV lead implanted in his spine.

"House why didn't you tell me on the phone? Because your nesting tendencies have caused you to be a little panicky and overprotective."

"I am not" she protested. It's just time you got used to the fact that not only have you chosen to be in a committed relationship with me but also create a family and that means sharing some major decisions."

"About my body and my pain?" he objected.

Cuddy just patted her stomach and gave him a challenging look. House laughed and put his hand over hers. "You do have a point there."

"It's just a trial Cuddy, either it works or it doesn't. If it works I may try it. It's pretty simple to implant", he said showing her the remote which was about the size of a pager and the device , that actually kind of looked like a heart pacemaker, and the leads that had needle insert at varying points of his spine and were taped to his spine.

"Is it on now?", she asked sliding his shirt up so she could get a better look.

"Yes, it feels a little like static electricity. " House answered, knowing her concern.

"Some people can't stand the hum, it's like a vibration, is that bothering you?"

"It's negligible, if I don't think about it, it won't bother me. Let me put it this way, would you rather be tickled or stabbed?"

"It seems obvious, but if I have to be tickled 24x7, I might have to think about it."

"Jealous", he teased swooping down to steal a kiss while tickling her gently. I only have have it on when I'm actually in pain. Of course anytime you want to tckle me takes precedence. It's obvious you have never dealt with chronic pain so bad you'd gladly pluck out one of your eyes for a moment's distraction."

"I thought your pain had been better since you started the new regimen?" The fact that he could say something so serious, with such a light tone made her gasp as if someone had thrown cold water on her. She had been with him so much, how could she not have noticed pain as bad as he described.

"It was better for months, nothing is going to work forever, I have to keep adjusting the regimen."

"Why does it feel like you went from 50 to 100 in 30 seconds?"

"Perhaps because the pain did. " He replied with a succinct bite to his voice as he removed his hand from her stomach, leaving her cold and shut out.

"House, I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I don't want you to be in pain, but I do want you to consider your choices carefully. Remember the Methadone? You thought it was great, you could walk around without the cane and no pain, but you had frightening side effects.

"I'd call no pain a side benefit."

"Yes, until you stopped breathing."

"I gave it up, Cuddy!"

"Not because of the danger, but because you thought being painless impaired your judgment and abilities."

"Yes, you are right, but I have more important things to think about now."

"Your son," she said intuitively knowing she was right in her speculation that the last ultra sound was the turning point for the resurgence of his pain.

House just stared at her but there was a certain tension in his fingers that even the baby felt and reacted to. The kick was hard and broke the tension in mutual laughter and for a moment they were sealed in a bubble of warmth and love.

"Our son, you, Rachel, all of it, " he said gruffly. I don't want him to be scared of me like Rachel is now."

"Rachel isn't scared of you, she's scared for you." Cuddy said tears stinging her eyes. She should have worked more with Rachel. He said it didn't matter that she wouldn't play the lollipop search game with him anymore but it had affected him more than he had let on.

"Come on House, give her a break, she's a toddler, she loves you and doesn't want to be responsible for your pain. She hasn't stopped any of her other games with, you, she hasn't stopped stealing your cereal or hiding your harmonica."

"Cuddy, I don't want the kids to have to be careful or scared, I don't want them to whisper to each other, that I'm having a bad pain day, and I can't go out to play catch. I don't want them to think I'm some invalid they have to tip toe around to avoid disturbing me. It's bad enough having you and Wilson treat me like a delicate flower, how am I supposed to accept that from our kids Cuddy? They are suppose to see the strength in me, not the weakness," he said gruffly. It's bad enough that I'm a jerk, without asking them to take on my pain as well. I still think about Vicodin, Cuddy, even more so now that the pain is back, I'm fighting it every day, just like I used to. Now that I've been without the worst pain for a while, I feel that my ability to fight it has weakened. When the pain gets really bad it radiates from my thigh to the soles of my feet, sometimes even to my hips and back, it paralyzes me so bad some mornings I can barely pee, even if I could get up to make it to the bathroom. You haven't had to deal with me in the worst of the pain Cuddy and I wouldn't want you to. This battle tires me out, I find it very hard to take, Cuddy and I don't want to give in to it or be tempted to go back to pain meds. I don't want to end up like the patient that came to me after trying to commit suicide because he couldn't put up the front with his family anymore, and pretend that his life was even worth living."

She found her hand going to his face, cupping his cheek as she stared into his eyes. " But House in the end it was Epilepsy and you were able to help him. There could be help for you right around the corner. Have you been talking to you psych about the pain?"

He turned his cheek away out of her hand and stepped back leaving her bereft. "My pain is not all in my head!"

"I'm not saying it is, Cuddy said biting her lip, he had opened up to her to try to get her to understand the extent of his pain and she just made him feel that she thought it was all in his head. "House she pleaded with him, trying to explain and not just take back her question. " I'm not saying your pain isn't real, but there is probably a stress component, there is about most physical illness."

Well, I've been getting my head shrunk for over a year and if that doesn't get to the root of what you call the stress component, then it never will so I have to deal with the reality of what I feel and I feel my damn leg hurts, okay? You are the one who wanted me to do something about it, but when I do, you think it's too drastic."

"I didn't say that House, I just thought you still had other options."

"What! Biofeed back? Meditation? Tai Chi." he barked sarcastically. "Now, amputation, that would be drastic Cuddy, getting a pain implant is not."

"Comparatively, maybe not but I've read up on this House. It doesn't work for every one even if they do well in the trial. The leads have to be placed perfectly and they can shift over time. It my take only one day in the hospital, but it is still a serious surgery that takes recovery time. There can be complications, further nerve damage, breathing problems and infections to name a few."

"Cuddy, I've checked all the angles, you trusted me about the Ketamine, why not this?"

"It was different then. I cared about you but... she trailed off just looking at him not even able to describe the level of connectedness she felt to him now. They had always been connected, since the first day they met, but in the last year since they had submitted to their love, their need for each other which was equal parts a blessing and a burden for them both. It was like they shared blood, and tissue, it was absolutely shared breath. Their glances locked and once again his hand came out to touch her stomach and as his eyes darkened, she felt him right there with her. The child, the culmination of their desire, love, their pain, made flesh.

#######


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

The pain implant was a short stay, in and out procedure which was the only reason Cuddy agreed to House having it at another hospital. Cuddy had offered to push through approval for the surgeon to have privileges at PPTH but he declined and House told her not to be such a control freak. St. Anne's managed to be a good hospital despite it's mass. It's Cardiac, Neurology and Maternity units had excellent reputations. As they approached, she saw the sprawling nightmare of wings, a hodge podge of additions in a variety of architecture styles from the last century.

The morning of the procedure Cuddy drove House to St Anne's and went through the admitting process for which House had no patience. The admitting nurses asked questions about his medical history, his weight, his medications, and allergies.

"I faxed the answers to all these questions," House sputtered. "And don't tell me you didn't get the fax, because I got a confirmation. Unless you've lost or miss-filed the paperwork since yesterday. Idiots." He growled.

"House", Cuddy said in a calming voice putting her hand on his shoulder, "let me handle this." She looked at him in concern. She hadn't seen him this irritable in a while. She wondered if he was actually in pain right now.

In the end the nurse had found the fax, with all the forms and questions answered so she just had House look over it and sign.

They had given him the diagnosis of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), and even though House called it crap, pun intended, he was willing to let it stand to get the implant. House was not talking much today. Even though his irritation wasn't directly aimed at her, she began to feel cut off from him and his inner thoughts and at times like these she didn't like it. She tried to catch his eye from across the room and it seemed as if he was avoiding eye contact, shutting her out. Why? Why now?

Of course she hadn't been gung ho about the pain implant, infact she had been resistant, but she had got on board, once she saw he was determined, it reminded her so much of the argument they had had about the Methadone, where she had threatened him and he had quit, saying he had no choice. She hadn't been quite that heavy handed, but in a way she felt it was her job to drive him to the wall to see if this really was a last resort option. She couldn't quite make the argument that he could die, despite the possible rare side effects, and he couldn't quite make the argument that what he put in his body was his business even if it was. And of course he couldn't quit, because of all the commitments they had recently made, the baby growing within her was irrevocably binding in the way rings, certificates and promises never would be.  
Cuddy also knew it wasn't a point of choosing the surgery over her or their family, he was doing it for them even more than for himself. She knew he believed that and it was not possible to convince him that they didn't need him to be perfect. Even though he didn't need to ask why she wanted him to be happy, he did ask did she think he could be happy as long as he was in pain.  
"House you don't do happy, pain or no pain. You don't believe in it."  
"Not for myself no, but I want the people I care about to be happy and that means you and the kids. I can't make you happy as long as I'm miserable. All I can do is bring you down to my level."  
"Making me happy is not your job House... but I don't want you to be miserable. " She paused and feeling her acquiescence and then the steel of support flooding in to her she agreed. "I want you to get relief from the pain and if this procedure is the only way you feel you can then let's do it."

They were finally taken to patient pre-op and House changed into a hospital gown while Cuddy read the warnings on the consent form. Adverse events may include: undesirable change in stimulation described by some patients as uncomfortable, jolting or shocking; hematoma, epidural hemorrhage, paralysis, seroma, CSF leakage, infection, erosion, allergic response, hardware malfunction or migration, pain at implant site, loss of pain relief, chest wall stimulation, and surgical risks. She then went on to read the contraindications.

**Diathermy** - Do not use shortwave diathermy, microwave or therapeutic ultrasound diathermy (all now referred to as diathermy) on patients implanted with a neurostimulation system. Energy from diathermy can be transferred through the implanted system and cause tissue damage at the locations of the implanted electrodes, resulting in severe injury or death.

**Warnings **

Avoid sources of strong electromagnetic interference (eg, defibrillation, diathermy, electrocautery, MRI, RF ablation, and therapeutic ultrasound) can interact with the neurostimulation system, resulting in serious patient injury or death. These and other sources of EMI can also result in system damage, operational changes to the neurostimulator or unexpected changes in stimulation. Rupture or piercing of the neurostimulator can result in severe burns. An implanted cardiac device (eg, pacemaker, defibrillator) may damage a neurostimulator, and the electrical pulses from the neurostimulator may result in an inappropriate response of the cardiac device.

Reading it gave her a sudden chill even though she had seen the information before and discussed it with House. He was set on having this and he would have it. She had tried dissuading him, but logically there was no reason to do so, despite all the dire warnings many people had this procedure and did very well for years and it was a good alternative to pain meds. That was the clinical part of her, but the emotional part was a bit afraid and it was not like her. Yes, she was cautious about hospital patients but that was due to legal reasons, what she felt now was just a plain instinctual fear. Based on the numbers getting these implants, the rate of complications was very low.

After talking with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist, the nurses began to prep House for surgery, inserting an IV. hanging a drip, taking his vitals, making sure he had eaten nothing since midnight. Then they asked him his pain level and he said a seven, which was not surprising because she had noticed him rubbing his thigh earlier. They said the the drugs would relax him and dull the pain but not totally, since they needed to know when the pain was eliminated during the lead and electrode placement. They were about to wheel House away, when she swooped down, to kiss him holding his hand all the way to the O.R. She was getting ready to leave when House pulled her hand bringing her close.

"Thank you for being here. I know, you are not sold on the need for this procedure, but the fact that you are supporting me, means a lot." His voice was raspy, but his gaze was piercing electric blue beam that went straight though her as she felt her lashes get wet.

"Don't make me cry House", she whispered, blinking the tears back. "I love you, what else could I do but support you?"

"Um, continue fighting me tooth and nail like you've been doing for the last few weeks?" He said with an amused smirk.

"Like that would have changed anything. This not about a patient, it's about you. I know you, House, and stubborn doesn't begin to describe it. It doesn't help that you are right 99% of the time." she said on a sobbing laugh biting her lip.

"Yes, but that makes that 1% fail look huge. Cuddy, he said almost hurting her hand in his sudden tight grip. "I love you, so much. Please remember that, no matter what."

Cuddy nodded giving him another quick kiss as she released his hand and he was wheeled away."

Cuddy was taken to a private waiting room where she would be able to watch the surgery from live O. feed. The surgery took a little over an hour, and she was able to hear house's responses as they prodded him to find the right places to place the leads and receptors along his spine. Hearing his voice, was very reassuring. Then in no time the surgery was over and he was being wheeled into recovery. He was very groggy, because that had given him a pain killer, for the surgical pain. She was able to squeeze his hand and kiss him before he went to sleep. They said he should spend a couple hours in recovery and then he should be ready to go home, but at the end of that time House, was slow to wake up. The doctor suggested he stay overnight and even though House insisted it wasn't necessary, she agreed with the surgeon. Better safe than sorry. She thought he only finally relented because he was worried about her, so she stayed with him until midnight and he insisted that she go home. She really would have stayed, but somehow, he had Wilson come and lend his insistence, saying he would stay for a while longer. When she was home and finally in the bed, she called Houses' cell phone. Wilson answered and told her House was sleep and she needed to get some rest while she could, because House would be home tomorrow. She had to be content with that which was a poor substitute for hearing House's voice. She fell asleep rubbing her tummy as if it was the warm curved surface of genie lamp, the faint motion of her rousing the child within her, and the responsive fluttering movement within served as the House connection that eventually sent her off into a warm relaxed sleep.

A loud knocking blunt forced into her consciousness. Her dreams left abruptly, running from the cold reality of the rapping that would not be denied. It's urgency was telling, only policemen and firemen knocked with such loud, thundering authority... an emergency. What now? A brief irritation was shattered by arrow of abject fear, piercing enough to make instantly nerveless and incontinent. She threw the covers off before reaching for the lamp switch. Oh my God, House. Something was wrong. She never should have left the hospital. She barely had tied up her robe as she opened the door to an agitated Foreman**. **

**########**


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

"House?" she gasped,

"He's in a coma Cuddy. Why aren't you answering your phone?"

"My phone," she echoed mindlessly her eyes wide with fear and then remembered Rachel had gotten hold of it when she checked her when she came in, she had quickly retrieved it but her busy little finger must have turned off the ringer.

"How did you find out about House? Wilson?"

"Yes, apparently House's mother called him. She's still listed as an emergency contact along with you. Do you have someone to look after Rachel?"

"Yes, Marina, the nanny spent the night here. Let me throw something on and I'll be back down", she said going back toward her bedroom.

"When she returned Foreman was on the phone with Wilson discussing House's condition."

"What the hell happened Foreman? This was just supposed to be an in and out procedure? I thought it was just a safety precaution to keep him overnight?"

"Wilson's been on the phone with the surgeon and the pain specialist they think House had a bad delayed reaction to the anesthesia. He had a seizure then almost immediately went into a coma."

"What? But he wasn't even given anesthesia, it was basically twilight drugs because they wanted to talk to him during the lead placement. Then after surgery they gave him pain meds. Delaudet, I wonder if that's given him a reaction."

"It's possible," Foreman shrugged, even as he looked skeptical,"It's more likely something to do with the lead placement, though House does have a history of drug use, and brain injuries. The hematoma after the bus crash, the deep brain stimulation, the motorcycle crash, and that's just in the last few years. He was in a coma after he electrocuted himself and again after he had the seizure during the DBS.

"When they arrived at St. Anne's', Cuddy headed directly towards House's room, before Foreman forestalled her.

"He's been moved to ICU."

Wilson was already there, his head together with two men Cuddy recognized as House's doctors. Cuddy ignored them and made a bee line for the glass paneled room where House lay lay hooked up to monitors. Though he had an oxygen canula, he was breathing on his on his own his O2 Sats were good. Cuddy grabbed his hand leaned on the side of the bed, Her lips were so close to his ear that she almost kissed him.

"It's time to wake up! You have to wake up now, House." she insisted aggressively. "We need you to wake up all three of us, Rachel the baby and me" she said, raking his hair back from his face. She was not trying to be soothing, because she wanted him to wake up.

"How long has he been like this?" Cuddy asked the doctors as they entered the room, becoming the demanding clinician even while she maintained her hold on House's hand.

"Less than two hours, we tried to reach you Dr. Cuddy and when we couldn't get you we called Mrs House and Dr. Wilson. Mrs. House is on a flight here."

"So have you done any brain scans?" I know you are limited now that he has the implant."

"Yes, we did a CT and there is no sign of swelling."

"He feels a little warm. What's his white cell count?" Have you considered an infection?

"It's a little elevated but he's been on antibiotics since the surgery and that should take care of most infections. I'm sure this is just a minor reaction to the anesthesia and he'll wake in a couple of hours."

"He's in a coma, I'd hardly call that minor, doctor. I'd like to move him to PPTH if you don't mind. I'm not removing you from the case, but I think he would like his team to find out what is wrong with him. He trained them and he would want this."

"Dr. Cuddy, I know it is emotionally upsetting when this should have been a minor procedure, but I think you are being a bit premature." In fact I think it would be risky to move him right now. Once he wakes up and is more stable, then by all means."

"I'm not asking you, Dr. Tenant., I'm informing you that he will be moved."

"Dr. Cuddy, we are about to do a Lumbar Puncture, and after that, he should not be moved."

"I thought you felt sure there was no infection," she said narrowing her eyes.

"We still need to rule it out."

"All the more reason, to move him right away. He can be at PPTH within 15 minutes, where his team can do an LP, and investigate further.

"Perhaps we need to wait for Mrs. House since she is his medical proxy."

"She's his what?" Cuddy barked.

"His medical proxy. It's all in his paper work."

"It must be old paperwork, there has been a change in circumstances."

"I assure you, Dr. Cuddy, the paper work was checked and signed by Dr. House on the day that he was admitted for the procedure."

"I was here on the day he was admitted. I answered most of the questions, since they had lost the original paper work, which was from records that probably haven't been updated in the last 3 years. By the time they found the fax, he was too impatient to even read it and just signed it without checking. I know, I was there." Cuddy insisted.

"Look, Dr. Cuddy, I know your, uh position, in Dr. House's life," he said, looking down at the tumescent swelling under her dress, "and ordinarily we'd be led by the patient's significant other, if there was no next of kin in the vicinity or proxy in place, but in this situation, there is and we are required to get the consent of the medical proxy to authorize any move. I know as a hospital administrator you understand our position."

"I can get a judge to overturn this tonight, but that will hold up treatment."

"It doesn't have to, we can provide space for Dr. House's team, his reputation is exceptional, and I'm sure his team has been well trained. We will take seriously any suggestions they make. I'm afraid that's the best I can do." he said spreading his fingers helplesly.

"That, is the result of your best so far," Cuddy spat, pointing toward House's glassed cube. It was not like her to insult a physician, doctors bashed each other all the time, but as an administrator she was required to be more tactful.

"Dr. Cuddy, I know you don't want to change horses in midstream. I want to assure you, that I do my best for all my patients, but with a mind as valuable to medicine as Dr. House's, I won't leave any stone unturned to protect his faculties. Just hold tight. I'm sure a judge won't be necessary, Mrs. House should be here within the next hour."

"I'm Mrs. House" Cuddy said succinctly, seeing the doctors eyes widen even as she heard Wilson's quickly smothered gasp behind her. "Dr. House and I were married in a private ceremony 3 weeks ago."

**#######**


	55. Chapter 55

exposed shoulders and upper back, avoiding direct pressure on the spine.

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**Ch.55**

That was how House ended up ensconced in the ICU at PPTH before Mrs John House touched down at Newark Airport. He seemed to do fine for the 15 minute ride from St. Anne's but his condition remained unchanged. In the ambulance Cuddy had prayed as she hadn't for a really long time. Did prayer work for a non-believer she wondered as she caressed his face, an ironic smile flitting across her lips as she whispered in his ear.

"I'm praying for you my love," she said, hoping it irritated him enough to make him wake up. She leaned in to kiss him then, wanting the familiar pressure on his lips to make him wake up, make him want more, make him feel her giving him her breath. His lips were non- responsive, it was a strange feeling, but still so familiar, she felt tears sting her eyes.

While they were settling House in the ICU, Cuddy went along to the Diagnostic conference room. Chase, Taub, and Hadley sat at the table. While Foreman listed symptoms on the white board, the team threw out speculations.

"What about Transverse Myelitis?" asked Taub.

"We have brain symptoms not spinal symptoms so far. Plus he is on antibiotics, but not broad spectrum" Chase countered.

"Perhaps his brain is shutting down because of inter-cranial pressure." Hadley postulated. Inflammation of the Meninges, causes swelling. The increased pressure might have caused a bleed in his brain."  
"They said the CT ruled out subdural hematoma, stroke, tumors and subarachnoid hemorrhage.," Foreman replied. We may need to do an MRI, I know we'd need to be careful, but if we used the specs from the cord stimulation maker, we could do it. And we know he doesn't have an AVM but he did have that fractured temporal bone and swelling after the crash... if he has renewed inflammation it could still have lead to a small cerebral hemorrhage, he had bleeding then, they could have missed it at St. Annes. If things keep going like this he'll need a burr hole to relieve..."

"You want to drill his brain because of a bleed the CT couldn't see? We should wait until we get the results of the LP to confirm the presence of red blood cells, unless, you want to have matching burr holes with House?"

"Well you drilled a hole for the DBS, could that have caused this?"

"That was two years ago", countered Chase.

"If you drill any more holes in House's skull, it could used for bowling." Taub threw out sardonically.

"If we do nothing, his brain herniates and then he dies." were Hadley's words as Cuddy approached the conference room door.

She froze with her hand on the glass door, suddenly chilled at the back forth, but then she put her emotions away, she had to use her discipline to help House, not her emotion. She entered the room as if pushed, with brisk impatience and in full boss mode.

The doctors in the room saw her face was the color of a Magnolia, and there were dark stains under her eyes, but they ignored it, as the voice that emerged was the controlled voice of command.

Cuddy saw a few symptoms on the white board that she had not heard about at St. Anne's, including chills and Photophobia. Aneurysm, clots from surgery or infection, CNS Vasculitus were being thrown out around the table.

"They are putting House in isolation, just as a precaution. Don't look for Zebras, this time, think Horses, this is obviously a result of the surgery, either it's an underlying condition that was exacerbated, or it was an injury or infection that happened during the surgery. Do an LP, they were getting ready to do one at St. Annes, the results should eliminate infection or a bleed."

"Who's running the show, Tennant or the team? Foreman asked. "I thought we were just supposed to give him ideas."

"I have signed paperwork, for Tennant, to practice here, but it will take 24 hours to go through, until then you are in charge of House's case and he's a consultant." she said meeting Foreman's eyes with a combination of challenge and trust, that made Foreman suddenly stand taller.

"We can't do an MRI now that he has the pain implant, and the CT they did at St. Annes's didn't show anything. We have to do an Xray. The LP may not be definitive as he's been on antibiotics for 24 hours."

"Probably not effective since he still has a fever. Just stop hedging and do the damn tests, Foreman. Tennant is a phone call away and will be here soon, but it's up to you to get House out of this. Stop waiting for permission, Go! Do !" she said sounding so like their missing leader, that there were three open mouths around the table.

After Cuddy disappeared down the corridor, Taub was the first to close his lips, twisting them to a wry smirk.

"Either House is doing an outta body and has possessed her, or his alien seed is speaking through the mouth of it's Mama!"

Cuddy was rushing so quickly towards House's room that she almost collided with Wilson outside his door. Wilson, put his hands on her shoulders to steady her, as he led her from her headlong dash back to House's side.

"Cuddy, we need to talk."

"Wilson, I know you have plenty of questions, about everything, but it has to wait until House is out of the woods," she snapped impatiently.

"I don't have any questions. I know you want for what's best for House, and will go to the wire to achieve it. House and I did pretty much the same thing to get Amber transferred here after the bus crash, but none of her relatives were close enough to interfere. House on the other hand has a mother who has just landed at Newark, with a medical proxy in her hand. She is already on her high horse about him being moved."

"So what!" Cuddy exclaimed as she threw her hands up in dismissal turning towards House's room, then paused, swinging her head back, "Oh, you think it was just a convenient lie. It wasn't Wilson, House and I really were married. I showed them documentation. They wouldn't have let us out of there otherwise."

"Youuu...what? You mean a marriage certificate?" Wilson gaped at her stupefied, raising his eyebrows in patent disbelief. "You can trust me Cuddy, I know you didn't when you perjured yourself during the drug trial, but you can now, really, "he insisted clearly not believing her.

"I did not forge a Marriage Certificate Wilson, it's real. House and I were married at the court," she insisted calmly.

"How? When? Why? You didn't tell me?" he accused, managing to look beyond indignant and hurt at the same time.

"It was an impulse, we had gotten the license and we just decided to do it. We were going to have a formal ceremony, later after the baby is born, now don't you have to pick up Mama House?"

"Mama House can wait! This is incredible...I mean I knew you were on the path, but I never thought..."

"You didn't think House would go through with it? He really was the one pushing Wilson." Cuddy said with a tight smile.

"You are not off the hook," Wilson said looking at his watch," but I have to go get Mrs. House from the airport. Should I tell her?"

"You be the judge, I'd rather not spread it around until House is conscious. I know he would want to see everyone's reaction, but his mother will have to know."

" Oh, he'll get plenty of reaction" Wilson countered." You may not have the luxury of waiting, Cuddy, apparently, House did talk to her the day before the procedure and wanted her to continue as his proxy. He specifically instructed her on what he wanted if something went wrong." Wilson said, shaking his head as he patted her shoulder.

"That's crazy. Why would he? She knows about the baby for sure, she asked to speak to me when House told her, but we hadn't told anyone we were married."

"I only talked to her for a few minutes, but I got the impression that she does not know about the wedding and she's on a mission to serve out the terms of the proxy" Wilson said looking dubious."

"You think, it's because of his leg?" she asked meeting Wilson's eyes with a stricken look.

"No, I don't, I have never gotten the feeling that House blamed you. You saved his life. He would have done the same thing, in fact if he had been the doc, he would have amputated the leg. I think, he probably thought to save you some worry. How is your relationship with your Mother-in-Law?"

"What relationship?"Cuddy asked with wry, irony. "I'm not scared of Mama House. She has ways of guilting House, but she's not my mother, by any means."

"Look, don't worry, go be with House, get the team running the tests, there's only so many things it could be. We'll work it out. We all want the same thing, for House to wake up and get better. I'll be back in 45 minutes. Call me if anything changes."

Cuddy let Wilson get half way to the elevator before she called him back. "Wilson, did she tell you the instructions? What did he say?"

"She wouldn't say over the phone, she said they were for a specific set of circumstances. That's all she would say."

Wilson went toward the elevator as Cuddy put on a gown and mask to enter House's room. He had already been prepped for the LP Foreman and Chase entered the room behind her, saying they would do it themselves since the recent surgery and leads meant extra care had to be taken.

"It is Meningitis," Cuddy exclaimed, looking at the rash, that had been revealed when they lifted the the bandage covering his surgical scar.

"It's certainly looking like it." but let's wait for the test. He said as Chase opened the LP kit and they got in position.

Cuddy watched with total concentration, biting her lip as Chase carefully found a spot, and inserted the needle in House's spine. Her eyes were focused on the fluid Chase drew.

"Damn, it's both. An infection and a bleed, how did the CT miss the bleed? It must be small? Foreman said turning to show her the spinal fluid, which was not only cloudy but pink.

"What kind of infection, Viral or Bacterial? And where the hell is the bleed? We need to find it right away. If only we could do an an MRI, but we can't because of the implant." Cuddy insisted fearing damage to House's brain.

"Yes, we do, but in the mean time. I'd like to suggest, you be a little careful about your exposure, you do have a child to worry about?"

"Foreman, whatever it is, I've already been exposed and there are not very many infections, that are a danger in utero, so let's not overreact."

"Yes, but what if it's Mumps, Measles or Chicken Pox? Has Rachel been vaccinated?"

"She's had the first shot, most people achieve full immunity with that, and Rachel has had no symptoms. She's not even in nursery school yet and she only has occasional play dates and her swimming class. I would have heard if any other kids had come down with something."

"Until we know, I'm going to strongly suggest, that you take a break. You can wait right outside, and we should have results shortly."

"No way", Cuddy, responded firmly, giving him a narrow eyed look which he met without flinching."

"I'm sure House has had these vaccines, he was a globe-trotting military brat for God's sake, and Infectious Disease is his specialty. He would have had vaccines during his residency, in fact they are required for employment here at PPTH in certain units, including Diagnostic Medicine. Have you checked his records?"

"And House really toes the line as far as compliance about requirements?" Foreman retorted. sarcastically. His records are full of lies and fantasy. He thinks every body lies for a reason, Cuddy. Perhaps his mother will have a real background. As you well know, these vaccines, don't always provide full immunity, and need boosters over time. How would House feel, if he finds out he put you or the baby at risk?"

Cuddy gave a soft gasp, only her wide distressed eyes showing above the mask.

"I'm not leaving" she said firmly, going to grab House's hand, she stared Foreman down. "I've already been exposed Foreman", she insisted, remembering the sleeping beauty kiss she had given House, hoping to wake him from the Coma. She had almost hoped it was Viral, because in a case of inflamed Meninges, it was less serious than Bacterial and would mean a quicker recovery. Cuddy believed Foreman's scenario, was unlikely, but even as her hand squeezed House's, her eyes briefly left his face to focus on the face of the clock and it's creeping hands, as it ticked away the minutes of uncertainty and dread.


	56. Chapter 56

**Ch.56**

Cuddy held tight to House's, hand knowing that even with a rush it would take at least 24 hours to grow a culture to identify the infection. He felt warmer and she asked the nurse to take his temperature, and found out it was 102.3. She impatiently buzzed Foreman to report this fever spike and asked if he had gotten any results. She looked at House, feeling deprived because she had to wear gloves, when for her skin to skin contact was not only wished for but needed. She believed touching his skin was something he would crave as much as she, and she sensed that the connection that was manifest in that almost electrical contact would help bring him back. She rubbed impatiently at the latex glove, she knew the scale of risk of Bacteria contagion from different parts of the body, but she could not risk the baby, so she left the glove on. She heard her name being paged over the hospital's intercom and she left House's isolation room, removed the gown and gloves, washed her hands and picked up the nearest phone, hitting the line indicated. It was her OBGYN, it seemed as if he had heard about her situation. PPTH was such a gossip hole, she thought with oddly misplaced amusement, as she listened to her doctor's warning about getting rest,and being careful. He told he was sending a technician to take her blood for labs, just as a safety precaution. It barely took 10 minutes for the blood draw and she had just returned to House's room when Foreman entered with the results of the LP.

House's Cerebrospinal fluid had high protein and Glucose concentrations, and his white blood cell count was through the roof. We are doing cultures of the blood and the CSF, but you know it will take at least 24 hours to positively identify, what is causing the infection.

"But you don't have to wait for the culture, you can start antibiotics right away."

"Yes, of course, we'll take him off the Amoxicillan, he's been on since the surgery, since it's not routing the infection and start him right away on an antibiotic cocktail which covers most of the bacteria that commonly cause Spinal Meningitis."

Cuddy understood that if it was Viral, antibiotics wouldn't help, but if it was Bacterial they would need the head start."

"What about Ampicillan?

"Not a good idea until we track down the bleed"

"Right, bleeding is a rare side effect of Ampicillin.

"I'm doing a six hour protocol, including Gentamicin as an injection, it's usually used for Listeria and an intravenous third generation Cephalosporin, Cefotaxine is usually used for Streptococcus pneumoniae."

"What are you doing to locate the bleed, it seems small, but it could cause problems."

"We've got the specs from the implant maker, and they are adjusting the MRI, someone will be up to get him as soon as the antibiotic bag is done."

Cuddy watched as the nurse hung the antibiotic drip, never letting go of House's hand. She dozed for a few minutes and suddenly jerked awake sensing that she was not alone. On the other side of the bed holding Houses other hand was his mother, and as she met Blythe's eyes over the mask, she instinctively knew she would have a battle on her hands.

Her mind shied away from the sense of betrayal she felt, that he had left his mother as Proxy. She wondered if it was witnessed and notarized or just a verbal agreement, she was pretty sure it would have to be pretty air tight to trump her as House's wife and even then, she knew she could get it undone. She knew the judges in the state, she knew how the system worked. House was well aware she could overturn this, so what had been his real reason? She knew she had not been exactly 100 percent for the implant, and perhaps he did not trust her to maintain it as the priority. Her hurt washed away from her as she began to think, that this might have just as much to do with what he wanted from his mother, as what he wanted from her.

While House was getting the MRI, Cuddy invited Mrs. House to her office. They made polite chit-chat, House's mother said she was sorry they had to meet under such circumstances and that Wilson had told her about the wedding. She was surprised but not shocked,

"I knew Greg would step up to be a father, people don't realize he is very traditional."

Of course there was something in there that seemed to hint that House had only married her for the sake of the baby, and Cuddy noted it, but did not let her hackles rise. She had to pick her battles and it was early days yet she decided. Once in her office, she had coffee and sandwiches brought in and Wilson joined them. It was at this point that House's mother pulled a manilla envelope out of her purse and handed Cuddy a copy of the proxy.

"You don't mind if I have the hospital' counsel take a look at this, she said picking up the phone to buzz Martin Blake, who had come in early for this very purpose.

"It's legal." The hospital legal's counsel admitted reluctantly, looking down at a copy of the medical proxy. I think you could challenge it pretty easily, you are his wife and a doctor. A judge is going to think you imminently more qualified. Ordinarily Cuddy wouldn't want this discussed in front of Mrs, House, but in this case she wanted the woman to know up front that she did not have much of a leg to stand on.

"Why would he sign that?" she asked on a tired frustrated sigh not really expecting an answer.

"I don't believe it's personal, Lisa." Blythe said.

"My husband doesn't trust me – how exactly is that not personal?"

"My son doesn't trust anyone,Lisa, not completely, not even me. I'm sure after knowing him all these years, you had to know what you were signing on for, but I am sorry."

"You're sorry? Does that mean you feel responsible." Cuddy said trying to keep the tone of accusation from her voice.

"I'm not going to take offense, Blythe said with sickening exaggerated patience. "Greg is very unique, I'm very proud, and the very fact that you have chosen to be with him, means I'm also responsible for many things you like."

"Cuddy, Wilson interrupted the controlled, but simmering battle of wills, "we need to focus on helping House, and finding out what kind of instructions he left?"  
"House doesn't trust me. She reiterated turning towards Wilson. "He is my very new husband and the father of the child I'm carrying, so tell me Wilson, how can you get more personal?"  
"I don't think we are on different sides here. Mrs. House can you tell us what House wanted you to do. What are the circumstances he wanted you to address?"

"Dear James, your heart is in the right place, and you told me all you knew on the drive, but I'm just receiving the latest updates on House's condition, and I'm not ready to discuss this."

"Mrs. House, I know you are caught in the middle but you're talking about your daughter-in-law, she is carrying your grandson. Your Proxy denies Lisa the right to be a part of the decision process, that will kill her, how would you feel if it affected her health and endangered the life of House's son. It's the last thing he would want."

"Of course I care, but Greg is very deliberate in his actions, if he hadn't spoken to me about the surgery and what he wanted I wouldn't be here. My son calculates causes and effects, I think he would not have risked any stress to Lisa, if he didn't think it was important that his view be represented. In fact he most probably thought to spare her stress. I am not here to represent my own desire, I'm representing his. I know what he wanted above anything, was for the pain to end so he would have a chance at a normal life, I think it was the very situation he is in that has made him so adamant about this. You think he is being greedy, that he wants it all, but no that's not it, he just wants a chance. I think he had almost a year of decreased pain, perhaps it was due to his emotional state, but as he realized the pain was coming back, not only did he consider it would be a detriment to his new life, his new family, he was sure that it would destroy it. So whatever risks there were to the surgery, even rare side affects he considered them, and felt them well worth it."

Cuddy remembered again, how hard House had fought for pain solutions in the past, the Ketamine, the Methadone, and now this pain implant. He had been willing to quit the hospital over the Methadone, but then he had thought losing the pain had taken away his edge and he had dumped it. It had to be now that his priorities had changed, other things had become important to him, if not more important than the puzzle, then just as important. She was surprised that she and Blythe were on the same page on that at least. The conversation echoed in her head as if it was yesterday.

"You don't need your pain to be a good doctor."  
"I'm not interested in good."  
"You're afraid to be happy."  
"Why do you care if I'm happy?" He had challenged her. She had not been brave enough to answer him... not then, because she felt he knew, he had to know her feelings she thought. Not knowing that her heartbroken stare, had made him feel even more hopeless making real the great divide between despite their feelings.  
Then she had told him: "You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing."  
"This is the only me you get."he finally flatly told her, with the unheard rider take it or leave it. And she had left it, but that had changed for both of them. House himself had not changed, but his priorities had shifted, if not for her then for the family they had created. The feeling between them now was bigger than the sum of it parts, for it was the child that was growing inside her that would finally and for all time merge their DNA as their souls had merged so long ago. Cuddy believed that this child, their child had brought House's need for sanity to a whole new level. Who was she to tell him how to achieve it.

At that moment their was a brief knock at the door and Foreman rushed in her office.

"Is something wrong? Did you find the bleed?"

"Yes, the bleed was small and has clotted."

"Have you talked to Tennant?" She asked Foreman.

"Yes, he's on his way in, he's really upset about the infection, he said it wasn't even enough swelling to be called a Seroma before House left St. Anne's and now he has a Hemotoma and infection that looks like Meningitis. He's blaming the move, don't let him, this had to happen at St. Anne's to be as far along as it is. He's threatening..."

"Threatening What?" Cuddy asked.

"Removal of the Implant." replied in his flat laconic voice.


	57. Chapter 57

**Ch. 57**

Two hours later Dr. Tennant was in the room and he was reading the riot act in person.

"It's standard procedure to remove an implant once the Seroma becomes infected it's very dangerous, Dr. Cuddy, this is nothing to play with. I put the implant in, do you think I want to undo my own work? No I don't, but I made a vow to do no harm. We are not going to be able to combat the infection with the device still in. That's why it's standard protocol to remove it when an infection is discovered. I should have been informed right away. In order to get pain relief he has to be around to fight another day. So far the antibiotics he's been given aren't significantly impacting the infection. His bacteria, is showing some penicillin resistance, it may be resistant to the Cefoxitine as well."

"His team are running tests to find out the minimal inhibitory concentrations needed." Cuddy responded defensively.

"Running MIC tests, means, it's not working fast enough. If it takes more than 4 micrograms, then I don't have to explain what that means," Tennant countered."Even with the device removed, at best this may take weeks even months to eradicate, at worst he could die."

"You can't remove the implant, that's exactly what he does not want." spoke up Mrs House, and for the first time Cuddy was able to see House's take on his mother. Not that he ever said much, but Cuddy was no idiot and was occasionally able to sneak subtle inquiries past House's radar and glean more information. Mrs House's,pale face, pinched mouth, and clenched hands were evidence thatshe did not like confrontation, but she did not back down, at least not in this case. Why had she when House was a child, self interest?"

"Mrs. House, with all due respect, I know your son was prone to walk on the edge, and it worked for him, with the cases he gets, extremely risky, even unethical methods, may be warranted to give the patient even a chance. Your son is not in that category yet but he could get there. This has gone beyond a minor infection of the implant pocket and leads and if it's resistant there's no other logical choice. As unfortunate as it is, removal of implants due to infection is not as rare as we would like, patients have to get implants removed and replaced over the lifetime of use. Patients with joint implants, cochlear, implants, portacatheters, even implants as life sustaining as pacemakers have a procedure of removal and replace."

"Wait a minute, I still hold the proxy here and I will be heard. I think we can all agree that my son was gifted on analysis of these type situations, so do you think he wouldn't have thought of the worse case scenario? He treats worst case scenarios everyday, so do you think his mind would not go there?"

"Removal of the implant is not the worse thing that could happen to your son by any means. So unless he left detailed instructions on some new or off label therapy to combat resistant infection, the risk you are taking with his life is foolish. I mean no disrespect, Mrs. House," he said, lifting his hand to calm her," but he could possibly get the implant back in at a later date, but he already has Meningitis, that's serious, it's gone beyond a implant pocket and lead infection. If he develops sepsis or further CNS involvement, he could die. There are people who die, even after an infection is cured, because their body has been so taxed by the fight. I don't think he was looking for a permanent end to pain. I can't believe he'd want that, he had too much to live for at this point in his life."

"Dr. Tenant, can we have 12 hours to get a handle on the infection? If it does not show a marked improvement or his team can't come up with a new combo of antibiotics and therapy, then we'll do it."

"Thank you Dr. Cuddy, it really is for the best." He left the office.

"Cuddy, may I call you Lisa, I said I would not fight the you on the proxy, and I won't but I still think you owe it to House to hear what I am saying and take his wishes into account."

"That's why I asked for 12 hours, Mrs, House. My husband, is the most rational man in the world, except when he is reacting emotionally, then he can't be trusted because he is coming from a feeling of not being enough, shame-based, Is latest word for it. He's driven to be as excellent as he is, because he thinks it's his only value. He chose to keep his leg, because he couldn't bear the thought of being less than physically whole. His hole, is not in his thigh, Mrs. House it was in his heart and so he ended up with this pain instead. He regrets the decision about his leg, but on this one, he won't be around for regrets."

"How do you know he regrets his leg?"

"He admitted it. I know he wants to be pain free, for me, for our child, for our family. He thinks he can only be a father if he is pain free and able to be physical. But it's a crock, because my daughter Rachel adores him, just as he is and he needs to know that. This cranky, pain racked, bitter, misshapen man, has a limitless mind, and a beautiful soul and he doesn't know that. He can't see that in himself."

"I have always told Greg, he was special, perfect, always, and I meant it."

"But did you show him that? Did you tell his father? "

Cuddy was trembling with repressed anger, but she stopped herself from going further. Annihilating his mother would not help him.

"Please don't upset yourself Lisa, It's your decision to make," Mrs House capitulated in a defeated voice sinking back down on the cushions of her sofa.

"I'm sorry," Cuddy offered reluctantly, feeling as if she had used a hammer on a fly. She was glad to leave her office to her mother-in-law as she went back to House's room.

Cuddy felt as if she was the flying Dutchman and was back again during the treatment of the thigh infarction, actually reliving that crossroad. This time, the difference was that it was an emotional decision for her, perhaps she should say, more of an emotional decision, because even though she had buried their one night in college, at that time, she couldn't deny that there were remnants of those feelings still there. She had hid behind the white coat of being his doctor, and it was only the first of the layers of of self deception and denial she had used to protect herself. She had also told her self that she cared so much because he was the most incredible medical brain she had ever known. Of course she would still have some feelings she had rationalized, after all he had been the first man she had ever loved, the most incredible man, not just the most incredible brain, and the man who, however briefly, had been the father of her first child.

Now there was a lot more on the line, they had come full circle she had actually gained everything she had been denied, it was like the picture to the negative, everything buried and underground then, things so newly revealed to everyone and declared openly now. Then,that denial of feeling even to herself, had helped her to be able chill her emotions and think of options to offer to Stacy. One option that she had known Stacy in her desperation in coming to her, would be unable to refuse. House had never blamed her, she knew that, because as a doctor, offering all options was what he would have done, in fact, if he had been his own doctor he would have probably bludgeoned until he got agreement for an amputation. Oddly as clearly as he was able to see things, he had never asked her why she had not pushed him harder.

Now here she was again and this time she was in Stacy's shoes. She felt it was true what his mother said. House had to have considered every possibility and even the thought of a resistant staff, did not shake him from his bid to keep the implant. She had to think like House, what did he know? What would he try if he were treating himself? Would he have really tried to keep the implant in the face of an intransigent infection that was attacking his nervous system and brain?

She immediately got House's team on the research front and asked them to pull all the cases where House had dealt with resistant infection, perhaps his methods could inform them. She found out that Foreman had thought ahead of her and had already begin going through past cases the most recent being the chief of staff's daughter. She found she could not stay away from House for long so she soon found herself masked and gowned and in his room. Surprisingly his mother was not on constant vigil as devoted as she was, there was something about seeing House in this state that scared her and kept her away even though Cuddy told her talking to House might help him awake from the coma.

She was happy to have him to herself. She held his hand, and asked him what he could be thinking to want to keep the pain implant, she found herself praying again trying to figure out the right thing to do, she was very much afraid that it was foolish. She was not House, and as much as he wanted to believe otherwise, neither was Foreman. This was not worth the risk of his life, there were other pain options and he could try this again. She was so focused on talking she did not realize her face was wet and so was the mask over her nose. It was at that point that Wilson came in.

"Cuddy" he said softly coming over to put his hand on her shoulder and squeeze it softly, she could see her own heartbreak reflected in his eyes.

"What should I do Wilson?"

"It's too risky to keep the implant Cuddy, House can try again. He's not going to blame you. It only makes sense."

"It only made sense for him to take other measures with his leg, but he blamed Stacy."

"Is that what you are afraid of? That House will blame you? He won't Cuddy, he will see the sense of it. He was fighting for a body part then, now he's fighting for pain relief. He is logical, when all is said and done."

"Why do you think he gave his mother the proxy Wilson? It was deliberate, he knew she would blindly follow his wishes. He wanted someone who would advocate for the pain implant without the experience of knowing what a resistant infection can do and how quickly it can do it. He used his mother's guilt even though he would never confront her about it's cause."

"Yes, but he knows his mother would only take him so far, Cuddy, so I feel he didn't want to keep the implant at all costs, he just didn't want it removed at the first hint of trouble. Tennant put drains in during the initial surgery and that probably delayed the swelling, but at the point the swelling started overwhelming the ability of the drains to keep up then, the problem was bound to get out of control. When Meningitis entered the picture it was time to give it up, in my opinion."

"So you think waiting, is a mistake?"

"I'm not going to play the second guessing game with you Cuddy. Despite what Tennant said, the antibiotics have brought down his fever, so they are working, just not as fast as we would like. Soon we'll get the culture back and know actually what we are dealing with. Then we can jiggle the cocktail a bit. Perhaps add Vancomycin."

"But you think we still need to remove the implant. Please be honest with me Wilson. I want your opinion."

"Yes, he said with a nod. I think it's too big a risk. Do you want me to talk to House's mother. I think I can make her understand."

"She's pretty much on board, with me making the decision", Cuddy admitted, "but do talk to her I was probably a little heavy handed."

"Cuddy, House will not hold this against you. He will not try to drive you away. You are not Stacy. Your relationship is not that relationship. House is not the same person he was then. I really think he has learned from his mistakes and you are carrying his child. He would want you above all to take care of yourself, Cuddy."

"Thank you Wilson," she said accepting the tissue from him before he left to go down the hall.

She pressed the heels of her hands to her eye sockets, trying to stem the tears, trying to avoid being swallowed by fear. The room was quiet except for the beep of machines and monitors. Then she became aware of a different sound, a different feel to the room a different tenor to the other breath sounds in the room, House's breath. She suddenly removed her hands and looked towards House, to meet the brilliant clash of bright blue eyes. he was awake.

"House, I'm here." She said squeezing his hand almost laughing hysterically through her wet mask, in a mixture of relief and joy.

"Cuddy, he murmured, the tip of his tongue moistening, dry lips.

Yes! Oh God, House, I am so glad to see you awake." she said pleased to feel his returning pressure on her hand. "House, the surgery went fine, but you developed an infection and the surgeon wants..."

"Cuddy did you give me the Ketamine?" House asked, interrupting her.

"Ketamine?" Cuddy looked at him in shock, her free hand unconsciously finding the buzzer for the nurse as she examined House's eyes more closely something wasn't right.

"House, you had surgery, to implant a cord stimulation device. Do you remember?"she asked urgently, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.

"What?" he asked a look of confusion on his face. A confusion that she had hoped never to see again. Cuddy felt her legs tremble, and had a feeling that the earth had disappeared from beneath her feet. For this man was not the House that had said he loved her before the surgery. This was the House of four years ago and he was looking at her with a mixture of need, confusion and distrust.

Foreman was suddenly there, gently pushing her aside, shining a light to examine House's pupils as he asked him questions about the what year it was, and who was the president.

"Bush,more's the pity." House responded laconically. "Why?"

"He's having a stroke." Foreman announced urgently. "We have to get him back down for another MRI."


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58

Cuddy sat in the imaging office with Foreman, staring at the scans from House's brain. Foreman had to use a pointer to show her where the clot was; actually it was two clots. They were that tiny. That was a good thing. It meant that neither surgery nor clot busting drugs were indicated.

"This is good news, Cuddy. The clots are almost as far as they can go in that artery and they're too small to cause any severe deficit. It may have just caused a TIA."

"Don't give me the party line Foreman," Cuddy said giving him a skeptical look from narrowed eyes and mouth. " Even clots the size of a pencil point can cause damage if it blocks blood flow to the wrong area. He has already lost his memory of the last four years. Do you call that minimal?"

"No, I don't, but Cuddy, you know that was probably only temporary. The man just woke up from a coma. The next time he wakes up, he could be fine."

"Could, is the operative word. Foreman, you had to sedate him."

"He understood something was wrong, and was getting agitated. That kind of stress isn't good for him. It was making his blood pressure spike. Often the treatment for a stroke is a medically induced coma."

"I know, but those are usually the acute variety. Where did the clots originate? Are they near the small bleed you found? Do you think it's from the bleed clotting off or the infection?"

"No, pretty positive it's from the bleed." he said turning to her with a matter of fact, level-eyed stare of decision. "When he's stabilized the implant needs to come out Cuddy. There's no added value in fighting for it. At this point, it is only putting him at further risk."

"I know Foreman, I just wanted him to wake up and be able to take part..."

"Cuddy, people can remove implants and get them put back in later, but holding on to this implant could create scar tissue and rule him ineligible for another try. Forget what he told his mother. If he had anticipated a resistant infection he would let the implant go. Believe me, as much as House wants to be free of pain, he does not want to damage his brain."

"So you are admitting he could have brain damage?"

"Well yes, a bleed, and a clot, can damage the brain, but whether it's lasting..." he shrugged. "You know it's too soon to tell." Foreman said with a sigh rising from the table. He has bacterial meningitis, Cuddy, even if the clots don't cause damage, the swelling and infection could. It's time to listen to Tennent."

"I lived through fighting back after the brain biopsy, and I was just glad to be alive. Somehow even though he has other priorities now, I don't think House would handle it well. House, needs to be the sharpest knife in the draw. He's one of those people that if he is not excelling at something, he doesn't want to play."

"House found his niche early, he never had to worry about being second, even when he struggles for the answer, he knows, he is probably one of only a handful of people in the world, that could even have a hope getting there. Did you know MIT has contacted him about creating a knowledge base for a diagnostic computer program?"

"That's my point."

"That kind of gift is hard to give up, but I think you underestimate House. If you think, he can't survive without his gift, I think he could adjust, especially now. I know that it would be very hard for him, but he could. House has had to survive some hard things in his life too, Foreman, and yes he depended too much on drugs, for the pain, but none of us can know how bad, and how constant that pain is."

Foreman nodded his head, more as acknowledgment that he heard than that he agreed.

"We did get the culture back from the lab, it's pneumococcal meningitis due to penicillin-resistant pneumococci. It needs minimal inhibitory concentrations (MICs) of 2 micrograms/ml and Cefotaxime MICs of 0.04 microgram/ml. So now we know what we are dealing with. I'm going to add intravenous Vancomycin, Rifampin, and Dexamethosaone to the mix and we'll take another spinal tap tomorrow. The sedation should wear off within the next few hours and we'll do an EEG." Foreman finished.

Cuddy returned to House's room to find Mrs. House there anxiously wringing her hands, looking at House once again seeming asleep in his bed. "He woke up? I was right down the hall, why didn't you call me?"

"There wasn't time, Mrs. House. He was confused when he woke up and I could tell immediately something was wrong. He had to be taken down for an MRI." Cuddy said wearily.

"Now he's back in a coma?" She asked looking up a Cuddy with a vulnerability that she had never seen on House's mother. "What did they find?"

"He's not in a coma, he is heavily sedated. The bleed he had, produced a couple clots when it coagulated and he was stroking." Cuddy said calmly.

"Oh my God, he's had a stroke?" Blythe said clutching her chest and turning gray. "Will he have permanent brain damage?" she asked on a gulp, unable to stop a tear from sliding out of her eye.

"It's too early to know, the clots are very small, so they probably didn't cause much damage if any. It's more along the lines of a transient ischemic attack." Cuddy reassured her, using the same language she had refused to listen to from Foreman, ten minutes earlier.

A second LP revealed pus and the CSF, white and red blood cell counts had increased and House was taken into surgery to remove the pain implant. For a moment Cuddy had thought they could get away with only removing the leads, but Tennant convinced her that the middle ground was not a good option. She stood in observation room for the surgery which took less than two hours. Cuddy looked down on the surgery her face pressed against the glass, so focused that she was startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Wilson, with a concerned look on his face.

"Don't worry, it has to be done. It's the only way the infection will be cured. Even his mother is resigned to it."

"Great," Cuddy said flipping her hair, her voice filled with a facetious fatigue that belied her tone.

"Cuddy, I know you could circumvent her. You could have gone to a judge and had the proxy overturned in an hour. The fact that you didn't means you cared about what House told her, perhaps too much. It's time to let that go and take care of yourself. You are carrying a baby, and you need to get rest and not stress so much. Now that we are getting the implant out, I'm sure we'll be able to get rid of the infection."

"But what about the stroke, Wilson? What about House waking up and thinking it was four years ago and I had given him Ketamine? I'm worried about that more than anything. If you could have seen the confusion in his eyes. It reminded me of the day he went to Mayfield, but in a way it was worse. At least then he had changed events. Now he's erased years. That means he may not remember anything that happened in the last year. He doesn't remember Mayfield, or us getting together, he may not even remember us getting pregnant. When I met his eyes Wilson it was like our bond was erased, like I was erased." she said on a rasp of breath that sounded almost like a sob.

"Cuddy, he was just out of a coma, and stroking. Even if the stroke caused some damage, his amnesia is most likely not completely retrograde. Stroke victims tend to forget chunks of time and it's not always linear. It's more like swiss cheese."

"I didn't mean it would be that full of holes." Wilson quickly amended ,seeing Cuddy's horrified look." It was probably temporary, the clots were very small."

"Do you remember the patient that House had a few months ago, the woman that lost her memory? Perhaps there is a psychological component and House is going back to a time that had a lot less complications. Perhaps he is trying to erase the last year."

"Cuddy, you're over thinking. What has really happened is quite enough, you don't need to add what you think it means psychologically..."

Tennant left the drains in and between him and Foreman, the decision was to keep House sedated for the next twelve hours.

"He looks like such an angel when he's sleeping" said Mrs. House with a smile, rubbing the top of House's head.

"Angel?" Cuddy echoed doubtfully pulling a droll face.

And Mrs. House laughed softly as she continued to stroke House's hair. It reminded her of what House said about his mother. She has a great sense of humor but she hates confrontation. It was the first sign of physical affection Cuddy had ever witnessed by Blythe and something about it touched her. In whatever ways she had failed House in his youth, there was no doubt that she loved him**.**

"Are we to be friends then?" Blythe said registering Cuddy's thawing expression.

Cuddy was not ready to take Mrs. House to her bosom, but they were now connected by blood and would have a permanent relationship. Whatever had happened in the past she seemed ready to go to bat for House in the future.

"Let's just say allies for now." Cuddy responded.

"That could be even better."

"We do have a common interest." Cuddy admitted, grudgingly.

"At least two." Blythe amended, nodding toward Cuddy's swollen belly. "I can't believe you two were able to keep this secret, but perhaps that is what Greg needed. He didn't tell me about the baby until the night before his surgery, but when I found out about the wedding, I was shocked. I just didn't think Greg was ready, but now..."

"Now…" Lisa insisted, surprised to find she actually cared what Blythe thought.

"Now I'll say I'm beginning to think, my son couldn't have picked a better match."

The two very different women shared their first mutual smile. It was an uneasy truce, but for Lisa Cuddy family relationships had never been easy and this was no different.

Both of the women sat a long vigil beside House's bed alternately dozing, but finally the nursing staff's offers of a nearby cot were heard by Blythe. She tried to get Cuddy to take the bed, but Cuddy was pretty comfortable in the recliner they had brought into the room. House had been moved out of ICU isolation now that the last spinal tap had shown the antibiotics were working on the infection. She promised to wake Blythe if there was any change and with that she seemed content.

In the end it was House himself who woke Cuddy. She was in the middle of deep sleep when she felt a light touch on her arm, and a rusty voice calling her name. "Did Tennant do my surgery?"

"Yes, of course. You picked him to put the pain implant in, don't you remember?"

"Yes," House said rubbing his forehead as if he sought to clear the fog from his brain. "It was a simple procedure. How did he screw it up?"

"The surgery itself was fine, but you did pick up a resistant bug that led to menningitis."

"Where's the pain med control," he said fiddling with the tubing running from his IV.

"As a pain medication abuser, you were not given a self-administering drip. If you keep asking for more painkillers, you'll need to go through withdrawal."

"I don't want to up it. I want to reduce it."

"You're not in pain?"

"Not leg pain, not as much as usual anyway."

"Tennant is good. I believe that, despite everything. He says you are on the right track now and with the intravenous antibiotic cocktail, you'll be healed in no time."

"My back is killing me, my hip is throbbing but my thigh feels better."

"That's amazing. It's great, I don't want to rain on your parade, but it's early days yet. You are still medicated and the swelling and nerve damage from surgery could temporarily be interrupting the pain signals."

"It's unbelievable. Since, neither meningitis, stroke, nor having a pain implant ripped out is an FDA-approved treatment for anything. So many things went wrong it's a crap shoot of which one might be improving the pain."

"A crap shoot, is that how you look at this House, winner take all? You could have died at least three different ways. Now you have some pain relief as well as still having your life. Enjoy the mistake."

"I fully intend to enjoy the mistake, but I may need a little assistance. I wish you had time to go get the naughty nurse outfit, but we may just have to improvise." he said with a suggestive wiggle of his brow.

"Don't be ridiculous," Cuddy, actually laughed because it was the first moment of real joy she had felt in the last few days. "You're not strong enough to be thinking about such things." she said.

"Well, I don't mind if you do most of the work." he shot back with devilish gleam she had not seen in a while.

"You just need to focus on getting better and coming home House."

"First I need to find out what happened and why I have no pain."

"Could it be because you are on meds." she gasped facetiously.

"No, Cuddy. I really have hardly any pain at all. Even when I was swimming in Vicodin, at best it was just dulling it down. I was never totally pain free. When I woke up I started moving my body parts one by one just to make sure I wasn't paralyzed. I'd like to look at all my spinal images pre and post-surgery? Where's my chart?"

"So now you have a puzzle." she said looking at him in exasperation.

"Pain relief was not supposed to be a side benefit. It was the reason for going under the knife. Do you think I should be happy just to escape with my life and a new puzzle? The swelling must be pressing on a nerve as you said or Tennant cut a nerve during one of the surgeries. No great mystery, but knowing could tell me how soon the pain may return and if it will end up worse instead of better."

"Why are you looking for the pain to return, House? If you look for it, it will come."

"Perhaps my perceptions are compromised and certainly my judgment is compromised but I'm not looking to give Tennant a medal. At worst, he screwed this up badly and at best, the hospital he chooses to practice in needs to up their war on microbes."

"House, you are acting like Tennant did a bait and switch on you. You were warned of the risks. And not only by Tennant."

"Oh is this where you get to say I told you so? Go right ahead." he growled.

And suddenly his Cuddy, the tough as nails administrator, that ran him and a hospital burst into tears. It was so out of character that he stared at her wordlessly before reaching out to grab her wrists and pull her quickly to the bed. This caused not a minimal amount of pain to himself resulting in at jerk rather than a pull and she ended up practically falling on top of him in his hospital bed.

It was when he went to catch her that he felt her burgeoning baby bump and gasped in shock, going very still. It was then she realized his memory was not fine. As Wilson said there were holes. If House didn't remember that she was pregnant, she had to wonder what else he didn't remember?

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	59. Chapter 59

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Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother. Faith is a knowledge in the heart beyond the reach of proof...

**Chapter 59 **

House felt as if an explosion had gone off inside his head but instead of shying away from its source, he was avidly seeking it, his hand easily finding the separation between her top and skirt. His breathing was rapid and shallow through slightly parted lips. He sounded as if he had been running or having sex. Cuddy looked at him in concern, her tears ceasing, as his fingertips touched the taut rounded curve of her stomach, tentatively at first and then his long sensitive fingers stretched out, palming her tummy as if it was a basketball. There was confusion in his eyes as he looked at her, his eyebrows raised in query.

"I must be more confused than I realized. How long did you say I was in a coma?"

"Less than twenty-four hours, House. You don't remember that we're pregnant?" She asked her eyes wide in panic.

"We?" he demanded, his eyes holding hers like the incisive beam of a laser, his fingertips unconsciously tightened causing her stomach to come alive at his invasion, responding with a swift hard kick.

Cuddy heard his gasp but his eyes were no longer focused on her, but on her baby bump. For House, her rounded belly held the properties of a retrograde crystal ball as he was at once assailed by images of the past that sped through his mind like a slide show of their history, image on top of image. Their one night in the apple orchard, and him going to the glove compartment for a condom the next morning. Him asking her, after the date with Wilson, when he would get a potential Baby Daddy date. Him giving her IVF shots, and telling her that her baby's father should not come from test tube, it should be with someone she liked. And her response, "Someone like you?" Her visit to his office to thank him for the shot and her hesitation. He cringed for a moment when he heard his own voice, deliberately hurtful and punishing her for restricting his Vicodin supply telling her she would suck as a mother and then him taking it back when her first adoption had fallen though. Then he had a flash of her confession during her visit to his psychiatrist. She had finally broken down and told him she had lost his child after he left Michigan. Finally, him asking her to have his child and her hesitation which had almost broken his heart, even though he understood her reasoning.

A new chapter in their life began when he ran into her at the Alternative Health Center and he found out she was taking a fertility Yoga class... Then when he had tried to make up after they had been torn apart by her desperation and independence and his manipulations and emotional unavailability... Standing on either side of a door that could easily have separated them forever, he had the epiphany about her condition. Each time he blinked it was like the change of a picture in a slide show and he felt inundated and overwhelmed by the flood of memories and emotions.

Meanwhile his voice narrated in an ashy croak and Cuddy could tell the few words he spoke were accompanying pictures in his mind. "Not IVF, you chickened out on asking me? After you told me about the miscarriage, you didn't want to try again, but then you changed your mind, and he went silent his eyes boring into hers as his hand possessively palmed her stomach and it came alive to his invasion with a swift hard kick.

"Ha," he exclaimed, catching the flailing member almost through her skin and there was a delight in his eyes that temporarily cleared away the confusion. "That's definitely a boy," he said, with a grin. House was actually curving his mouth in unabashed pleasure and for a moment Cuddy lost her breath. She had never seen a smile like this on the man who was now her husband and the father of her child. Suddenly she had a flash of the intrauterine surgery they had done for the at risk pregnancy of the photographer and House's expression as the small hand had curved around his. He had been mesmerized and it was at that moment that he had stopped calling the child a fetus. It was those glimpses of his caring humanity that had fueled her feelings for many years, it was, in fact the knowledge of the humanity inside the crusted husk of his protective shell that had been the attraction. Her father had always said that she loved a challenge.

"I remember," he said, a warmth in his husky voice like she had never heard before, not even in their most intimate, most emotional moments. House's memories had brought him through the cycles of pain, doubt and faith that had marked their history to the present moment where he felt only one of these, and it was shining from a pair of heavenly blue eyes.

They were suddenly interrupted by Wilson bringing House his file and the scans that he had requested.

"I'm bringing these, but actually you shouldn't start digging into them until Foreman and Tennant have given you a thorough check.

"Fine, I can wait," House said in such a reasonable tone that Cuddy and Wilson both looked at him in shock.

"I'm not complaining, understand, but we have to consider personality change as a symptom at this point," Wilson said carefully.

"My God, Wilson, you are such a worrywart. I'm just opening my eyes taking everything in and enjoying my, ahem, 'wife and child'. Is it a mystery that I am not in rush to dig into my files?"

"Frankly it is a mystery 'because you are all about the mystery."

"Let's just wait for the check-up." Cuddy insisted, giving Wilson a quelling glance.

"So how's everything else?" he asked. "How's the pain?"

"Fine," House said nonchalantly. "Actually, I appreciate the concern, but Cuddy and I were getting ready to get reacquainted when you arrived".

"Okay, I'm leaving," Wilson said, raising spread hands to end the flow of too much information. He turned toward the door, "This isn't a hotel so there's no do not disturb signs and since your mother's just been informed you are awake, she will be here any minute."

"I'm sure Cuddy can post a few look outs," he shot back, staring suggestively into her face.

"Patience," she said laughing saucily at him as she snuggled by his side. House, you had two surgeries and a stroke, you need to take it easy and not get too excited."

"I think having you here and not having my way is way more likely to raise my blood pressure," he said, his fingertips sliding across the silky skin of her arm from wrist to elbow, cupping then sliding under to grasp the tender flesh of her upper arm. "Why do you have on so many clothes? You need to be dressed like me," he said pointing to the PPTH hospital gown.

"At least wait until you've been checked out by Foreman and Tennant," she said breathily, "At least wait until you've been checked out by Foreman and Tennant," she said breathily, trying to control his hands.

"Okay, if you want to calm me, how about a massage or a sponge bath," he whispered in her ear as his hand glided under her blouse and up her back. Cuddy tried to resist his seducing hands so tender, yet a sensual seeking avarice, that was irresistible. It was so blissful just to have him open his eyes and know her that she allowed the naughty hands to stoke the hunger that was beyond physical; it was a soul hunger and nuzzling the side of his stubbled jaw, she breathed in his scent and bit his chin. His ceaseless, gentle stroking eroded her will like the ocean, lapping at the sands carrying away grains in a slow sneaky assault that removed all barriers.

Then his hands began to stroke her stomach dipping down the below the waistband of her yoga pants, glancing her mound and eventually finding moisture there. Her lips quivered emitting a soft keening submission. As his hand slid up her thigh, her uncontrolled trembling was like reentering a familiar land, making him feel he was back home at last. He buried his face in her neck, his lips tracing down to her heart even as his fingers milked her core. Cuddy's moans restrained yet primal, had barely died away when there was brief rap on the door and Foreman entered, stopping abruptly his eyes widening at the sight of his two bosses curled about each other in flagrant delicto-. I'll be back in five. He said backing out of the room.

"Oh my God," he said with a taunting smile as reentered the room ten minutes later. "You, House, do not surprise me but Dr. Cuddy, I'm shocked." Just then, Foreman noticed Cuddy was gone. "In fact I'm going to convince myself that my eyes just deceived me," he finished, rubbing fist into his eyes as if to erase his sight.

"Do want proof?" House asked outrageously, pulling his hand from the cover to hold it out toward Foreman.

"Hell, no. And I'm not smelling your fingers, House."

"Dream on, Foreman. I don't share. Cuddy's in the bathroom, so just keep in mind she can hear everything you say."

"Oh," Foreman stopped, embarrassed. Let's get on with the exam. Tennant will be here in a minute," and he began rattling off the results of his latest blood tests. Then he began to ask questions to test House's memory. He did the usual about year and date and president and then went beyond that to even ask House about patients he had had in the past. He avoided Cuddy's eyes as she came from the bathroom, and turned in relief, as Tennant entered to complete his part of the check-up.

Cuddy expressed concern about House's memory and followed Foreman out asking questions about the inconsistencies she had noticed. One cool look from ice blue eyes had, at once, frozen Foreman's knowing smile and speculations, so he was able to speak naturally.

"I found his memory to be excellent, but it's to be expected that he will have a few memory deficits. Give him some time, but if you find he is suddenly missing a huge gap, or a huge event, let me know."

"Foreman, it's not just his memory, it's his personality," Cuddy said hesitantly.

"What about his personality? He seemed the same over the top House as always."

"He seems, I don't know...happy."

"And you are upset about that, because?" Foreman asked with raised eyebrows.

"It's not House," Cuddy retorted.

"House, has survived an ordeal Cuddy and he came through it. And for the moment at least, he's not feeling pain. That's a really good reason to be happy."

"I'm asking you not just as a doctor, Foreman, but as someone who has gone through this, how long did it take you to get back to normal?"

"You know very well, I can't really answer that Cuddy. Every situation is different. I was euphoric just for surviving because I truly thought I was dead. I don't think House knew about the seriousness of his situation until it was over. Then again, House has every reason to be happy. You are giving him everything he ever wanted. He's luckier than he deserves."

Cuddy gave Foreman a fierce, look even as her checks blazed hot, but as she took in Foreman's serious face, her forehead unwrinkled and she smiled.

"I remember you felt a bit blissful and House shocked you out of it so you could focus on the medicine."

"I wanted the answer for the patient, and to get the answer, I had to be uncomfortable, I had to

be dissatisfied with not having the answer. Believe me House will get there a lot quicker than I did. He'll be back."

At that moment House's mother came down the hall walking at a clip. She stopped and clutched Cuddy's hands. "Thanks for sending the message that he's awake. Is he Okay?"

"He's fine." Cuddy assured her feeling her words hollow echo on the backdraft of her mother-in law's race towards the door of House's room.

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	60. Chapter 60

_Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding._[Soft Break]_Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain._[Soft Break]_And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;_[Soft Break]_And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields._[Soft Break]_And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief._

[Soft Break]Kahlil Gibran

**Chapter 60**

It was almost a week since House had regained consciousness and his mood and his pain was still light. Cuddy wondered if this was a permanent personality change. He had not even fought against his extended hospital stay. This new House felt strange to her. As much as she had always wanted him to be more cooperative, he was not 'her House', not the man she had fallen in love with. His mother had been visiting friends in the area, not seeming to want to leave until she knew House was on the mend.

Cuddy knew it was a bold move but she had called in William Joseph, his psychiatrist, for a consult since he had background on House. He had come by to visit House and even chatted a few minutes with his mother. Even though he seemed satisfied with the session and told her not to worry, his visit was the catalyst that seemed to change everything. Apparently his therapist had given House an assignment, a koan for meditation and discussion with his intimates...

"It's quote from the great child psychiatrist D. W. Winnicott," House offered. "It is joy to be hidden, but disaster not to be found."

"What does that mean to you House?" Cuddy asked. Both she and his mother were in the room and though something like anxiety curled in her stomach, she thought it might be good to have this type of discussion. Cuddy still expected a sarcastic retort from his defense mechanisms to come into play and she would almost have welcomed it. It was what she knew. She was not prepared for his serious ruminations, but it was not out of character for the changeling that had taken House's place over the last week.

"I've spent a lot of my life hiding," he said, picking up the red and gray ball she had brought in from his office. He turned it over in his hands, looking at it as if he had never seen it before. "I hide behind drugs, behind booze, behind pain, behind bitterness, behind my brain. In one way or another, I found some comfort or at least what felt like comfort, but really it was just escape, self-medicating escape."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Greg. You've always been sensitive; it's to be expected of someone with your brilliance," his mother placated.

House's long sensitive fingers froze on the ball and he gave his mother an inscrutable look. To Cuddy, a cloud seemed to pass across his face, a dark cloud with a hint of storm. It should have made her wary, but it just sent her into an expectant slowing of her breath, maybe the real House wasn't too far below the surface.

"Perhaps it was just an excuse to allow me to indulge some of my darker impulses," he continued, ignoring his mother's interjection. "The problem is that those impulses began to feel like disasters and those disasters were calls for help according to my shrink."

"Help, Greg, really? Anyone less in need of help I can't imagine, but you are sober now, and have the potential for a perfect life," his mother beamed, encouragingly.

"Mom, why do you have to negate everything?" he asked, not bitterly, but bluntly.

Cuddy continued to hold her breath, suddenly feeling like a fly on the wall. She had developed some sympathy for the older woman, but this confrontation was long overdue and if it helped House reclaim himself, then she couldn't bring herself to interfere, not yet.

"There are only a couple of people who consistently kept looking for me and would not let me drown and you were not one of them."

"I love you Greg, how can you say that to me, after you've been so sweet for the last week?"

"I know you love me, Mom, but it was with a long spoon wasn't it? I spoke to you on the phone, when I was in Mayfield, but you didn't even request a visit. You've always been in a kind of distant denial. I felt like you never really saw me. Unconditional love, maybe, but it feels like blind love or perhaps it's just your way of hiding?"

Cuddy was surprised, House had never said a word against his mother, and she felt something important was happening and was willing to give them privacy if it would foster this conversation. As if sensing her intention as it formed, House eyes speared her, pinning her to her seat. It was a wordless request to stay put so she did.

Blythe's face crumpled erasing the carefully constructed confection of her appearance. She covered her face with her hands, and Cuddy reached her a box of tissues as wet sniffles emerged. She was a surprised when Blythe impatiently batted the box away and removed her hands to look at her son, her eyes wet but resolute.

"Greg, why did you make me your proxy?" she asked directly, even though she had the answer in her eyes… or at least part of the answer.

House shrugged, averting his eyes, finding a directness in the eyes of his mother that he had never known and it made him feel uncomfortable, as the shoe was suddenly on the other foot in this conversation.

"Were you testing me, Greg?" she continued doggedly. I stood by your wishes as long as I could even when it was probably no longer prudent."

"As much as things change, so they remain the same," House replied, his sudden clinch on the ball giving lie to the Zen tenor of his words. It was as if he was fighting a demon that made him spit out words he did not want to say. His mother gasped as if she had been slapped and another tear fell.

"Are you saying I failed, that standing by you is not what you wanted me to do?"

"Blindly standing by is not what I wanted you to do. I am not John House, but in the end you gave your consent so you didn't fail at all."

"You think I blindly stood by your father?"

"Must we really revisit it at this point?" House objected, regretting opening a can of worms he was not prepared to deal with. He had never believed that opening a vein and talking about the pattern of blood spatter was a solution to anything. Even though the experience at Mayfield and the some of the sessions had helped him re-access priorities, he felt its effectiveness was limited. Seeing his mother's direct gaze coated with tears was as far back in his past as he was prepared to go.

"Look, Mom, I'm happy. I have a wife, a daughter and a son on the way, more than I ever dared hope for. I'm about as close to normal as I'm ever going to get and pulling bones out of a closet isn't going to make me any happier or any more normal." When he looked at his mother he did not see a classically sweet blonde matron wistfully appealing to her son, but a dark eyed mantis bidding him to follow her into the labyrinth. The only question is would he be able to find his way back out to the light. He really didn't think so, and so refused.

Blythe looked at the stubborn set of her son's jaw and was discouraged; she wasn't sure if bringing this up would help or hurt him but she was determined to try. She had been in denial for so long and once she was on the track of opening up it was hard to deny the lump in her stomach that felt like the rise of bile before a needed regurgitation. She felt her own son was now taking on her personality of only wanting to look at the light and not the shadows, and that kind of denial was just as soul destroying as giving in to the darkness. It was like a mirror, and she had never been able to see it in herself, until she saw its beginnings in him.

"Greg," she began, "I think we need to have an honest discussion about this and then it will be behind us."

House closed his eyes and felt something akin to his leg pain, and realized he was holding his breath. Was it coming back? This pain was bigger, it was moving through his whole body, his very core. Was he having a heart attack? No, even though his heart was racing, he was not sweating. All at once, he knew what it was… panic, cold ruinous, gut-wrenching, yellow bellied fear. And then he got mad… at himself. How was he going to head up a family when he couldn't face what had happened in his own family? How was he going to teach his son, when he didn't know how to be a son? How could he successfully be a mate to a woman with the heart of a lion if he couldn't face himself? Through his pain haze, he felt his mother was still talking and finally his ears had stopped buzzing and he could hear her. He turned back to face her, knowing that he would use his family, his family with Cuddy, as bread crumbs back to the light no matter how deep his mother took him into the rabbit hole of his past.

"I know you felt like you were abandoned as a child, that I chose your father over you, but I never did, I was just trying to do the best I could for all of us."

"The best you could for all of us," he bit out, his gazed locked on her. "You are kidding me right? Did you really not know what was going on? I don't believe that. You knew he was locking me out at night, because sometimes you would sneak down and unlock the door."

"It wasn't you. It was me. I was the one who made the mistakes," his mother whispered. "It was different then Greg; I didn't have any skills, I couldn't just up and leave your father. How was I supposed to provide for you?"

"What mistakes? Cuckolding a man you knew would have no mercy in making you pay."

"Greg," she gasped, "I am still your mother, please watch your tongue."

"Are you going to deny it? I tested my DNA against my father's; I have proof."

"No, I can't deny anything, but you don't know the circumstances and you won't let me explain."

"Explain! Explain the damn ice baths, explain being locked in the closet, explain being forced to do laps until I passed out." House's growl sounded low, yet dangerous, forced out between gritted teeth.

"Your father had a boot camp mentality. He wanted to toughen you up; I don't think he was really trying to harm you."

"I wasn't in damn boot camp. I was in my own home. I was eight years old not eighteen. Your husband would have been at home with the soldiers that had good times at Gitmo."

Then House looked over and saw her frozen face and felt the world explode around him.

"He was at home with them, wasn't he? Is that what he was doing on those temporary duty assignments?"

His mother nodded.

"And you set me up to be tortured by a damn government expert," he said coldly.

"It wasn't like that Greg. Your father was a good man, but being in the Marines changed him. I did love him, but I saw him change. Every time he went away it became harder and harder for him to leave the things he had to do behind when he came home. I tried to hold onto the man I knew was inside him."

"Was this before or after, you had me?" he asked in generic terms, but his mother knew what he was asking.

"Your father was captured and tortured at the end of the Korean War. He was a POW and endured terrible interrogation methods. He had been injured and was being transported from a hot zone. The Marine MEDEVAC chopper went down behind enemy lines. He was missing for over a year. I thought he was dead; that is the only reason I had an affair. It wasn't really an affair, we fell in love. And I'm convinced if your father hadn't returned we would have been together forever; but when your father did come back, I couldn't give up on him. He had been through so much, had changed so much, and then there was you. You were legally his child, and even though it wasn't too hard to fudge the dates, John knew. I think he knew from the very beginning."

"So the tortured becomes the torturer… diabolical but risky… wait, a minute. Those dates don't add up? The Korean War ended years before I was conceived."

"Your father didn't come back until after the war and he was in an out of the hospital for a year…"

"You mean, once he came back, you felt sorry for him so you played the dutiful wife while continuing your affair? I guess you think this is supposed to make me feel better?" House retorted, his brow furrowed in disbelief.

"No Greg, you don't understand. It wasn't like that. It wasn't an ongoing affair. After your father got back we didn't see each other for years. Then one time..."

"Spare me," House scoffed. "I understand perfectly. Your pity and guilt kept you tied to John House. No wonder you could never admit he could be a monster. Do you think he didn't know you were pining for another man?"

"Greg, you are okay." his mother insisted. "John, didn't hurt you. Your perception is that he did, but it's not like Tony Jackson, that kid in your 7th grade class? Remember the gym teacher saw the marks on him? Cigarette burns, belt scars, he even had broken limbs that had healed over."

"I guess since my father was smart enough to not leave marks, it doesn't matter at all, right? I just got this messed up all on my own. Defective genes, I guess," he said in a sarcastic tone his mother had never heard from him. She stood there gasping as if someone had thrown cold water on her.

"I'm not denying your feelings Greg, I know your father went too far and I allowed it." She threw her arms around her son in the first embrace Cuddy had ever seen between the two. It was an awkward kind of cuddle therapy, which House allowed, but as Cuddy met his eyes over his mother's shoulder, they were dead fish eyes. The joyously dancing, heavenly blue of just an hour before had frozen over.

At this point Cuddy, who had been plastered against the wall like proverbial fly, decided it was time to interrupt.

"I think there's been enough revelations and confessions for today. As much as this is needed, it's probably not the best timing, for either of you," she said gently, surprised she still had a voice. They both looked shell-shocked and she expected she did too. She patted Blythe on the shoulder, realizing her anger at the woman was a thing of the past. "Would you like to go to the cafeteria with Nurse Giles? She's getting ready to have her break and she said you two had a nice chat yesterday about growing up near Pittsburgh."

Right on cue the nurse came and knocked on the door and led House's mom away. She noticed that House had turned his head toward the wall and was not even trying to look at her. His body was curled in a near fetal position. This was not a good sign. She went to him immediately but carefully sat on the edge of his bed. Holding her breath, she slid a cautious but loving hand over his back, her breath only releasing as he turned toward her.

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	61. Chapter 61

_Much of your pain is self-chosen. _

_It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. _

_Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:_

_For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,_

_And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred_ _tears._

_Kahlil Gibran_

_Chapter 61_

Cuddy went to sit on the edge of the bed. Her hand gently soothing him, she brushed the hair away from his face and he closed his eyes with a sigh.

"What a damn ear load…" he rasped, turning his face toward her hand he kissed it, but when he opened his eyes, they were still emotionless.

"Do you want to talk to Dr. Joseph? I'm sure he would come back."

"Hell no, not even Joseph can talk this away. I kept trying to convince myself that maybe what my father did wasn't so bad, perhaps I was too sensitive, perhaps I was just looking at the bad parts… then hearing mother go through those same rationalizations just made me nauseous. You know what's really fucked up? She probably feels like she bared her soul. She gave me a lot of information I never knew. But in the end she'd rather take the blame herself than say what he did was wrong."

"Yes, you're right. She tried though, House. She made an effort. For her it was huge. Denial is very strong. It's part of the whole…"

"Cycle of abuse. I know. I know. I do give her points for effort, by admitting he was tough on me and went too far. That is probably about as much as I'm ever going to get from her. Far more than I ever expected."

"Well, at least you realize…"

"Yeah, I realize, but why do I still feel so screwed up?"

"You need acknowledgment and validation. You got a hint of it but not enough; she didn't deny the things your father did. I hate to say it, but that was huge for her. Your father did have some issues of his own, House," she said gently, stroking his shoulder and running her finger tips comfortingly down his arm following the tracery of veins.

"Doesn't everyone?" he said sarcastically. "Okay, okay granted, he was tortured, he tortured others, but that doesn't give him a pass. I wouldn't expect that you would give me one. No matter how messed up my childhood was or wasn't. I myself have reacted and made choices as screwed up as my Dad's. If I ever did anything to threaten Rachel or the baby, I fully expect you'd have my ass out the door so quickly my head would spin. Am I wrong?"

"No you are not wrong, but I hope I'd try to get help for you even while I am protecting our kids."

"I hope that will never be necessary. I would take myself out if I ever thought I had harmed them, Cuddy. I don't want to perpetuate this."

"House," Cuddy said, trying to hide her alarm at his even mentioning suicide. "I don't think you could ever hurt the kids, I wouldn't be here if I did," she insisted.

"I know," he said gently touching her stomach, "carrying my child is a testament of your belief in me. No matter what happens in the future, I will never forget your love and your trust in me," he said, cupping her face as she curled into him. In his eyes she saw for a moment a leap of flame as true and blue as a gas flame.

"You asked me House. To have your baby, to be your wife, to be Rachel's father. That is a testament to your belief in yourself," she replied, trying to sound sure instead of anxious.

"Yes," he said, "but belief fluctuates," he admitted, his eyes sliding away from direct connection with hers.

"I have something for you," she said stepping away to reach into her bag. She handed him a huge poster board, which had been folded to make a handmade card. The front was a collage of pictures and drawings. "It's from Rachel. She misses you a lot."

House looked at the pictures that had been cut from magazines. "Penguins, and Pirates," he said with a laugh. Loads of Penguins. Real Penguins, Happy Feet Penguins, Penguins Skiing, and playing instruments and singing. He saw a box of Cheerios, a feed the monkey game, a monster truck. He was amazed that she had pictures of all the things they had done together. She remembered everything. When he opened the card, it said "My family" with an arrow pointing down to drawing of Cuddy and Rachel and him, and laughed out loud at Cuddy's exaggerated baby bump. "Get well soon so we can have some fun!"

"I can't decide if she will be an artist or musician."

Cuddy felt a bit better because she was able to leave him with a smile on his face.

She had barely cleared the door when she immediately called Dr. Joseph, House's psychiatrist and felt better after she got off the phone. Joseph seemed to think House had handled it well and since he had a regular session in two days, it could wait unless she noticed something like he was showing signs of anger, depression or isolation. Then she talked to Foreman and Tennant who told her House was well enough to go home.

When Cuddy got back to House's room, she found him still in a great mood and Rachel's card had been put in a place of pride on his bulletin board.

"Guess what?" she said. "You are being released tomorrow! That should cheer you up!"

"About that. I think I'd like to stay at my place for a couple of days. I've made arrangements for a private nurse."

"You want to go home to your apartment? Why? We're ready for you at home. We've been planning and I can work from home the rest of the week."

"See, that's exactly what I am trying to avoid. I don't want to cause any trouble. You have been practically living here at the hospital. You have to take care of yourself too, Cuddy," he said gently touching the dark circles under her eyes. "I don't want you waiting on me. If I go to my place, I can have a nurse and it's all on one floor," he said being all too reasonable.

"House, we're married now. I know you still occasionally need alone time, but this is not about that. You have been in the hospital for almost two weeks. I want you to come home. You think I will rest better with you somewhere else at night? Do you really?"

"It's just a couple of days Cuddy. When I come home I want to be ready to be the husband and father I want to be…"

"Sad," she said quietly, realizing he was still suffering the effects of the conversation with his mother.

House you don't need to be perfect or happy to be with us. You just need to be you. You think you need to be alone, but you don't."

"Cuddy, please let me be the judge of it," he said quietly but determinedly.

"Okay, House" Cuddy capitulated with raised hands, remembering what Joseph had said about isolation. They would just have to go to him.

The next day, Cuddy was wheeling House down the hall when there was a sudden commotion at the opposite end of the corridor and a pint sized pinball bounded from one side of the corridor to the other dexterously avoiding gurneys, wheelchairs and lunch and linen delivery carts on the way. It was not until they heard the distinct but joyous word "House" that that both, simultaneously said "Rachel" and focused on the speeding figure, her arms spread wide and her small, determined chin leading the way. Rachel raced towards them arms spread in airplane mode, as medical personal melted to the sides of the corridor to avoid being mowed down. The last 10 yards was a mad dash, her dark hair streaming out behind her; she looked like some flying creature, buoyed up by a combination of joy and pain, a product of heaven and hell. Angel's grace with a devil smile, she seemed to be on wing toward him even the though the pounding sound of her Keds encased feet belied the image. To House she looked as eager and aching in her mad dash as she had looked running on the beach towards the ocean. Was he her ocean? Was he her freedom?

He felt a tight ball in his chest, remembering how he had initially resented her presence. But somehow, for some reason, she had chosen him, and wound a tendril around his heart as strong, true and difficult to kill as the kudzu vine. Strangely enough she stopped dead five inches from him as if she was uncertain what to do with all her pent up emotion. Her eyes were huge and they ate his face.

"Rachel, you were supposed to stay in the car with Marina."

"I had to go to the bathroom," she said insistently but never removing her eyes from House. "Mommy says you are not coming home right away," she said her lip pouting, while big blue eyes guilted him shamelessly. "I promise not to bother you."

"It's not you," he said gently, reaching out to affectionately tug her hair, while she leaned into him like a confiding kitten.

"Mommy said ant biotics killed your bugs so I can see you now."

"Bugs," he exclaimed on a laugh.

"I was going to be your nurse, but Marina took me by the gift shop and they had doctor's uniforms too. See," she said pulling out a plastic pack containing what looked like a small white coat and stethoscope."

"That's great! So you wanted to be my doctor not my nurse?" he said, slanting an amused glance towards Cuddy.

"I can still nurse you too, or at least bring meals. Mommy does even though she's a doctor. I know you need vitamins and juice. I have plenty of Flintstones chewables. You can have some Freds even though he is my favorite. I think you might need at least six, so you might have to take a few Barneys and Dinos too" she said looking at his height with studious consideration.

"Juice and vitamins. I need some real food," he teased.

"Oh, I have Beefaroni. That'll be good."

"Why Beefaroni?" Cuddy asked.

"Because you said his 'mune system needed beefing up," she said giving her mother a matter of fact glance.

"You don't have to worry about me at all. I will have a nurse to come home with me."

"Yes! So you are coming home?" she squealed, jumping up and down as she held one of his hands.

"I guess I have to since you've made so many plans," he said sheepishly.

"Goody. Since I'm the doctor, I can give the nurse instructions. Like a boss," she said with a cheeky smile.

"My girl," he teased. "Sounds familiar but distinctly like trouble," he said meeting Cuddy's glance with eyes of devilment and a smile of capitulation.

"No trouble," Rachel insisted, prancing beside the wheel chair as they rolled toward the elevator. "I promise not to be as bossy as Mommy."

House's laugh rang down the corridors, causing the medical personnel to clear the corridor once again. They gathered in whispering groups their eyes following the family's progress. "Then it's true," they whispered. House really had, had a personality change.

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End file.
